Is this silly

[shorty_851]

We use to have DSS for the weekend every two weeks and then his mother stopped it for 2 months and started abusing me and then was making stuff up about me and the list goes on i would be here for ever if i was to name them all as she is more the words can describe in a bad way.

Anyways since we have got him back i haven been able to be th same with him.

i know this prolly sounds really silly but i sort of get jealous of him. i'm finding it hard to be there when DSS is there. i have spoken to DSS and he has told me that DSS comes before me and that i have to live with that and then i said what about when we have a child where will that come and he said no matter wat DSS will always be before anyone else.

im starting to resent the child even though he is only 2.

i mean we have him on the only da that i get to spend with DH because DH is always at work and dont see each other only on Sundays when we have DSS.

i dont know wat to do

Please help

Sorry if this sounds crazy and out if order im typing fast trying to get it all out and to make matters worse i only have one hand to type with until friday

[MrsDribbleDrawers]

Hi.

First of all, I don't think you are being silly. Your concerns are real to you.

Start by remembering your step son is only two, so try not to resent him - and never argue in front of him!

Sounds to me like you need to spend more time talking to your DH. He may say his son will always come first now, but when you have your own children living under your roof, his attitude may change.

Also, speaking as a mum who's child spends alternate weekends with her dad, don't mouth off about DSS's mum in front of him, and try to understand that she has his best interests at heart. Unless you have actually talked to her about why they split up, you only have his side of the story. She may act in a way that you feel is crazy, but remember, your DSS will pick up on any attitude you have towards his mum, and karma can be a pain in the ****!

Oh, and if she made stuff up, don't stoop to her level, you know if she is telling the truth or not, just ignore it!

Good luck!

Cate

[pegasus]

Hi Mandi - I've been a step mum for 7years (9years if you count the two years I was with my hubby before we married).

My two stepchildren are 13 and 11 and we have been (and still go) through a lot of cr@p with access and their mother. I won't go into details here, just needless to say she is woman with issues. Consider the first time I met her I placed an assault charge on her. I understand how riled up it can get you as this was in front of the children (they were 2 and 4) and they were no stranger to this type of behaviour.

I have had many things made up about myself and my husband and gone through legal papers to refute things.

My main advice is that you keep a diary. I don't believe my stepchildren know I keep one, and I'm unsure what they are still told about us. For example, I was talking to DSD on MSN last night and she said that she may not come this weekend (as planned), and so hopes we aren't angry with her and don't hate her. The manipulations have been going on for as long as I've been involved, and there was a year between my husband and his ex splitting and my appearance on the scene.

Now, back to your DSS. Studentmum is right, no matter how angry, upset, frustrated you get you cannot show this to your DSS. It isn't wrong or silly to feel resentment towards your DSS, however, as you'll be told by many people, he is a child and has no say in his situation. If he is in a situation like my stepchildren, he may say hateful/hurtful things in the future not realising the impact it can have on you.

In all likelihood if your DP had to choose between you or his son, he would choose his son, and this is the way it should be. I couldn't contemplate having children with a man who wouldn't put them first.

A lot of people expect to (and are expected to) love their partner's children as their own, however, while this may be possible in the future, I don't know of anyone who could do it straight away. I remember in my naiveity (9years ago) thinking this man only has these children every second weekend and during school holidays - that won't impact too much on us - boy was I wrong. Our lives are still very much intertwined with the two other children's lives.

I know I've rambled on a lot here, and am happy to talk more via pm or in this thread. I just wanted you to know your feelings are normal. The main advice I give myself these days is that the best thing for my two children healthy is to keep my relationship with their father healthy. When there looks like being a confrontation we walk away (with their mother), but try to relay to the step kids that we are there for them whenever they need. We put in a lot of hard yards when the stepkids were a lot younger and although we had a lot of difficult times (over issues with the kids) we've now become a stronger couple. The first few years are certainly very hard and I still resent the time sometimes when the other two are there as it does take away from our 'us' time, but I never say no to them visiting - when I married their father, I agreed to the whole package.

I am just a bit more active at defending against some of the destructive behaviour that comes from the other side now to protect my children - they will always come first for me - I am and always will be their only mother. If my hubby now chooses to put them first in his priorities - that's his choice, they are no more his children than the two others.

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

I dont think you silly...in fact after 10 days with my DH's children this time round I am left with very strange feelings...it was a hectic week due to DSD birthday treat, the royal show and basically I think we spoilt them a bit too much...My DSD who is normally really quite sweet was a horror this week...being argumentative, giving me sooooo much back chat...and caused me to raise my voice on several occasions...it was horrid...first time I have ever been pleased to see them leave...I know it is because they hear awful things about me and probably think they dont have to be polite or do anything I tell them...but they actually do to their dad too...it was really tiring having to cope with it every conversation...my DSS was just his normal very whingy self which is a handful normally but I usually cope cos DSD so good...I just find it especially hard when I have a 15 week old baby too...who luckily is as good as gold...
I know we in for the duration and although it is tryicky now I am sure it will all pan out...I hope for you! and to be fair I knew when I married DH that it was him and the children - it is just so hard when the ex poisons the relationship...