View Full Version : Help me help my friend
My friend found out last week that she is pregnant. She had a one night stand and the condom broke. She has asked me to drive with her/for her the 6hr journey to the abortion clinic (we live isolated).
Of course I agreed, she has no family even in this state, and I am her only true friend, other then acquaintances she has.
I don't disagree with her decision, I'd support her no matter what. My problem is that I would do ANYTHING to be 7 weeks pregnant right now!
She has no idea that me and my husband have been trying for almost a year, I have not told anyone Because I knew I'd have troubles falling pregnant.
My question is, how do I help/console my friend through this time when I have no idea what she would be going through, I couldn't even hypothetically consider what it would be like.
Anyone have any suggestions?
Tam-I-Am
31-01-2012, 13:12
Just be there for her. She'll need some support physically after the procedure, she'll be in a bit of pain and she'll need to stay at your house (or you at hers) for at least 24 hours after the termination.
Just listen, try to be as non-judgemental as you can, give her loads of hugs and let her know you're there for her. She'll probably be very exhausted after the procedure, sore, and emotionally vulnerable. It's totally okay to say "I don't know what to say - but I'm here for you" and give her a hug when you just have no words.
Good on you for being such a good friend xx
ComeBackKid
31-01-2012, 13:15
Wow what a great friend you are. :hugs: I cant imagine how hard it must be for you.
What you are doing is great - and I would suggest you do the same after the procedure, just be there for her and help her in the ways you can.
Even though she is confident in her decision, she may still be emotional after the procedure so just be there for her talk if she needs. Or she may be fine so it might be enough to let her know that you are always there and she can talk to you about things if feelings about it come up down the track.
Physically she might have a bit of pain or be tired after so maybe just see if she wants you to hang around to make sure she is ok while she rests or to organise dinner or something?
Im not sure as i have never been in the position to help a friend - but i have had a termination. I think just being there is the best thing you can do. And i really am amazed at your strength and kindness and compassion. You really are a great friend and your friend is lucky to have such a special person if her life :hugs:
Unfortunately you have to push any thoughts of your own issues conceiving and be 100% supportive of your friend. I know it can be very disheartening to see other people giving up their unborn babies when you would give anything to have one but sadly she isn't in a relationship and bringing a child into the world isn't realistic from her point of view.
The procedure will take a very long time, I know when I went through this it took ages because you have to go through the counselling side first to make sure that this is definitely something she wants. You have to go through the reasons for not wanting the baby and explaining the risks associated with terminating the baby.
Once it is over, depending on what method she had done... she will no doubt still be drowsy and will need you to support her weight and remind her of any steps or obstacles to be safe. She will no doubt be in a bit of discomfort / pain... so try be as understanding of the pain as you can be.
She will no doubt have some emotional difficulty coming to terms with the loss of her child. The important thing to do is to remind her of all the reasons why she didn't go ahead with the baby and do so in a positive manner. eg. You weren't able to provide the financial and emotional stability that the baby would have needed and you made the right decision. Even if you think it's wrong, it's important that she thinks that she made the right decision.
duckduckgoose
31-01-2012, 20:40
I don't really have any advice but you sound like an amazing friend. She is lucky to have you.
Purple Lily
31-01-2012, 22:43
I'm sorry I don't have any advice either I just wanted to say you seem like an amazing Kind friend :hugs:
Thankyou so much for your responses. Ok so now I'm wondering, if the appt is mid morning what time will we expect to be out of there? And now I'm thinking driving home that day won't be on the cards?
She really doesn't know what's involved, and to be honest I don't think she wants too... I just want to be organized so the last thing she is worried about is a bed for the night etc
Tam-I-Am
01-02-2012, 08:13
She shouldn't drive for at least 24 hours after an anaesthetic and probably shouldn't be alone for that time either. The actual procedure is actually fairly quick, but it's impossible to say what time you'll be out of there as it's impossible to say how long she'll wait before going in. They'll also need to keep her in recovery until she wakes up from the anaesthetic completely and has passed a couple of basic neurological tests.
She'd probably be more comfortable in her own space so can you talk to her about you needing a bed at her house for the night? And stick around until at least the middle of the following afternoon?
:hugs:
The thing is we will be six hours from home, so it will be a matter of whether she will be up for the passenger ride home?
If not I will organize accommodation for that night as well.
Tam-I-Am
01-02-2012, 08:52
I don't think it would be very pleasant for her - but she would be able to do it, if that makes sense...
Yeh it does thanks, I'll leave that up to her but explain it may be uncomfortable.
Does anyone know if there will be protesters there? Sorry for all the questions! There isn't much info online for me...
ComeBackKid
01-02-2012, 10:21
It varies from clinic to clinic.
What state are you in?
I know in Melbourne - the east melbourne clinic always has protesters outside it but some of the other clinics don't (i went to the one in carlton and there were none). I think the one in croydon does sometimes. Of course none of this is helpful if you arent in victoria. It wouldnt hurt to call the clinic and ask them.
Will be at Sydney, not sure of the clinic but might ring them and ask thanks for that.
Thankyou all for your advice, it means a lot to me that you would help me out. Thanks so much, I'll be back if I think of anything else!!!
If you call the clinic ahead of time, sometime they can organise security to escort you in. But it is something that you should perhaps mention to your friend - that there may be people outside waving their grisly placards and shouting their callous remarks. Dark glasses and an ipod will help with that. As will being prepared.
I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you both.
Like PP's have suggested make sure you call the clinic to discuss protesters, hopefully the clinic she is going to won't have any (or many) protesters there.
:hugs::hugs: you sound like an amazing friend.
Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou all! The clinic is at westmead. I will have some earphones ready that is a great idea (and prepare myself so I don't deck one of them lol)
I don't know how to bring it up with her... Like "have you asked if there will be protesters?" kinda sounds like "you have no idea what your getting yourself in for do you?"
I have to tread carefully because she says she knows she is doing the right thing but of course she is having a tough time with it...
Hokey Pokey
02-02-2012, 07:47
Your an amazing friend!!
Ok so I just called them and was told "no no very rarely" so that's a bit of a relief. But will still be prepared!
If it were me, and I obviously don't know your friend or her disposition, I would just be kindly upfront. I'd say, "I called the clinic and they told me that there isn't usually any protesters out the front but it does happen occasionally so be aware of that and that. I'll have some earphones ready for you and I'll be right there for you if you need anything at all."
She may not have thought of it at all, being (understandably) wrapped up in her mental and emotional state.
Yeh I don't think she has thought about it. I'll have a chat to her :)
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