View Full Version : Is my child simply just, dumb?
mysweetboy
15-01-2012, 20:43
Hello all....
This is going to sound very silly, so I hope to make myself as clear as possible.
I have a beautiful DS who is 2 in just a few weeks. I love him so much and he is my world, but he is just soooo much slower than other kids and he just does not "get" things.
He is very much in his own world. I don't actually think he is "dumb", but he just cannot focus on anything other than what he is looking at at the time. He still is not talking, not even attempting to talk. I was not so worried, I know boys can be slower. My health centre nurse just said to say things slowly, and to name things while I am doing things. I have been doing that for a long time, it makes no difference.
If I am trying to show him something, I can talk till my face is blue, he wont take any notice, just keeps on doing his thing. If I grab him and make him look at me, he briefly looks, still has no idea what I'm on about and moves his attention to what he was doing at the time. This is very frustrating. I see toddlers younger than him ant playgroup responding to their mum, pointing at things and even if they can not talk they try to communicate. My Son doesn't. He just wants to climb things, throw balls and push toy cars. Which is fine, but he just can not focus on what I am saying, nor does he attempt to even pronounce any words after I repeat them.
I feel it is not his fault. Unfortunately, he is just like his mum. I do not profess to be the smartest person, in fact I am far from it. I think most times I'm a dumb dumb too. I was slow at school, a daydreamer. DS is a daydreamer too, I catch him all the time looking at a stare spot, just daydreaming.
My mum used to say when helping me with homework, "its like its so simple you cant believe its that easy" she would say this when helping me solve a problem. Sometimes, I would solve the problem quickly, but it seemed too easy, that there must be a trick, a hidden agenda to the problem, then I would start looking at it in a different light thinking there must be more to it, then I'd get the answer completely wrong!!! Sometimes I surprize myself and get things quick, other times I just cant get it. I remind myself that somethings are just too complex for me to get, I'm just too stupid to do it. My older brother is very smart, and from a young age he would trick me with when helping me with homework. If I knew how to spell something, I would just check with him to make sure I was right. Even if I had it right, he'd tell me I was wrong, so I'd try another way, change it, after all my brother wouldn't be wrong. When I'd hand my work into the teacher and get a bad report on it, I'd think of how hard I tried and I still couldn't get it. It shattered my confidence and I'd stop trying. Is my "dumbness" a result of my brothers humorous ways to confuse me, or am I just naturally dumb and passed it on to my DS? Some say I'm too hard on myself, I say, I'm realistic.
So who knows how this has come about. I guess I'm just looking for an excuse. But I think I know the answer. My Son just isn't that bright, and he gets it from me. It makes me so sad for him. I only want the best for him. Anyone out there with any advise? I am so lost about this.
OffwiththePixies
15-01-2012, 20:49
I'm definitely not an expert AT ALL, and I really don't mean to alarm you or worry you and its obviously something you would speak to a professional about, but do you think there is a possibility your son could be on the Autism spectrum?
Just what you say about him not at all attempting to talk, not making eye contact, not look at you, fixated on one particular thing etc... just sounds like it could be a possibility? Might be something worth looking into?
Good luck
Zombie_eyes
15-01-2012, 20:51
Has his hearing been checked???
Personally id go speak to your gp about it.
I dont think your child is dumb, but i think there might be something going on.
Goodluck.
AH his not even two yet, give the boy a break I wouldn't call him dumb. Go get him looked at
If your son is 2 and not saying any words, I think your concerns are valid. I would also recommend a hearing test. Good luck.
WorkingClassMum
15-01-2012, 20:57
Firstly, what your brother did is not *smart* or "humourous", it was nasty and spiteful and should have been stopped by your mother.
Secondly, I would see your GP or MHN about your son. Mainly because we can't see him and we are not Dr's or specialists. There are things in your posts that would concern me of it were my son, but may well be simply that he is who he is.
Good.uck and please let us know how he goes, and stop beating yourself up.
Lil Flower
15-01-2012, 20:57
Does he respond to sudden sounds ie keys being dropped, a loud bang?
My DS as recently been diagnosed on the autism spectrum and didn't speak until about 3.5y. The first tests that were done, were hearing to rule out deafness.
BTW you are not dumb and neither is your son, you actually sound very smart and well written. :)
Does he respond to sudden sounds ie keys being dropped, a loud bang?
My DS as recently been diagnosed on the autism spectrum and didn't speak until about 3.5y. The first tests that were done, were hearing to rule out deafness.
BTW you are not dumb and neither is your son, you actually sound very smart and well written. :)
perfect post - I agree with everything above!!!
get his hearing checked - if there isn't anything obvious in those results, ask for a referral to a paediatrician.... to rule out other things (such as autism)
tbh .. the lack of eye contact, and the interest in climbing and cars - all can simply be a developmental thing, but all can also be very common in children with asd ...
ask questions of the GP / specialists hon - if your son does need support - the earlier he gets it .. the better!
xx
Jen
BlissedOut
15-01-2012, 21:14
You've pretty much described MY son and he most likely has ASD (same age).
Take him to your GP and ask him to do a CHAT questionnaire and to refer you to hearing tests and a pediatrician.
It's scary to think about, but it's best to get onto it early so he can have early intervention.
If he is in the same boat as my DS then he's most likely not dumb, but exceptional, just in more subtle ways.
All the best.
SassyMummy
15-01-2012, 21:22
I thought hearing too - has his hearing been checked recently and does he respond to sounds (rather than words)?
I'd see a GP - it can take AGES to see someone, so the sooner you get in the better.
I would have him checked, just for peace of mind.
My niece is now three, but until about 2 1/2 she only said a few basic words consisting of mum, dad and dog. That was it. She's quite the little chatterbox now. It's like she was wasn't interested in talking but now that she can she's caught up.
Wickedly Happy
15-01-2012, 21:42
I agree with what many people have responded here OP - but perhaps I can offer some extra information from the point of view of a psychologist who works in the school system?
Firstly, definately get his hearing checked. Your MHN or GP should be able to provide you with a referral and it is bulk billed through medicare.
If this comes back "fine", you may be able to look at a CHAT assessment. This is a language assessment. It can only be done by a speech therapist. Normally, the parents and the GP or psychologist or another professional who has seen your son would make the referral. In NSW, these can be done through Community Health (often at your local hospital).
There are numerous assessments for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). A referral to a paediatrician or a paediatric psychologist will help you follow this path of investigation. The referrals can be made to a large Children's Hospital (bulk billed assessments and reports), or privately, if you can afford it.
You sound very articulate and clearly adore your son. Early diagnoses are generally agreed to lead to better long-term outcomes for almost all paediatric conditions - including deafness, autism and many others.
If this is all quite overwhelming (and it IS - for EVERYONE who has to go down the path of "what could be wrong with my child?"), services such as Intereach (in NSW) run by the Department of Community and Family Services are great at helping you navigate through the system and providing information on the support that will be available to you and your family.
I hope you find some answers and wish you and your darling boy and the best.
Kimberleygal1
15-01-2012, 21:47
I'm definitely not an expert AT ALL, and I really don't mean to alarm you or worry you and its obviously something you would speak to a professional about, but do you think there is a possibility your son could be on the Autism spectrum?
Just what you say about him not at all attempting to talk, not making eye contact, not look at you, fixated on one particular thing etc... just sounds like it could be a possibility? Might be something worth looking into?
Good luck
My thoughts too.
How is he with other kids? Does he do any repetive behaviour? Does he have to do things a particular way?
Make an appointment with a paed and go from there.
babynomad
15-01-2012, 23:42
My son at two sounds just like yours , he is now three and been diagnosed autistic. Get his hearing checked properly at an audiology centre, speak to your gp about a pediatric appointment.
What ever it is he and you are not dumb. If he is autistic it's going to be ok, it's seems to be that there is alot of support our there. My son is improving all the time and at 2 would not look me in the eye at all but at 3 he is . If you can afford it start a speech therapy session once a week as I found this helped my son a bit to begin to speak.
It may not be autism , he may have a hearing prob or just be taking his time and will catch up. Whatever it ends up being good luck, and he is a unique little guy who may well end up smarter than most ! He is only two. Be kind to yourself and as one dr said to me" don't compare and don't dispare" . The next 12 months will let you know what's happening.:hugs:
P.s I know how fustrating it is, he will be listening but may not understand . Not his fault at all . But keep talking to him all the time.
babynomad
15-01-2012, 23:50
P.s I'm finding a daily dose of fish oil has helped him come out of himself a bit too.
I also meant " don't compare and don't despair " that's good advice when your worrying when your around other kids. He is your beautiful little guy and you sound like a perfect , wonderful mum who is doing a great job xxxxx
Seacretsquirrel
15-01-2012, 23:52
My DS was slow to talk too but once he had his tonsils and adenoids out the speech has come on in leaps and bounds - may have been a coincidence the timing but 6 months on he is using sentences and parrots heaps
I would get him looked at as others have suggested firstly to get early intervention if required but secondly if they don't find any issues that might help set your mind at ease.
A tip my mum suggested though - do you have the tv or radio on a lot - sometimes kids don't realise you are talking to them when there is that background noise - might be worth a try if you do have it on. Made a huge difference to a friends DD turning off the radio and tv.
Also with my DS it seems he doesn't like to do anything until he can do it well, talking and walking are 2 prime examples of this he refused to walk on his own and cruised furniture from 6 to 14 months when he decided that he was ready and off he went no wobbles and just about running it was like he waited until he could do it properly before trying.
Good luck hope you get some answers/reassurance.
mysweetboy
16-01-2012, 10:58
Thanks to all who have responded.
I actually did think he may be on the lines of having autism, but that has been checked and he isn't. His hearing seems fine. He could be busy playing, and if I sneak out the back door to feed the dogs or something, he hears it, no matter how quite I am, and he's there like a shot demanding to come with me. See, if its something he is interested in, he pays attention very quick.
For example, at bath time he has a bucket of bath toys which I let him put into the bath, one at a time. I name each one clearly as he picks it up. I encourage him to put it in the bath, which he does, but I think its more because thats what he wants to do anyway, not because I asked him too. When bath time is over, I pull the plug and pick up the bucket and tell him its time to put the toys in the bucket, again, I name each one as he picks it up. This was ok, but now he will pick up his duck for example, and I ask him clearly and simply to put it in the bucket, something which he normally loves to do. But then he will get distracted with the small puddle of water left in the bottom of the bath and he wants to play in it. So I ask him again, he doesn't even look at me, just keeps stomping in the puddle. I wait, and give him time, then calmly ask again. I could be there all night. While his attention is on something much more fun, forget it. I end up giving up. He is so much like me its ridiculous. I remember how hard it was for me in school (I changed 7 schools as my family moved a lot) and every time I got to a new one, they had already learnt what I hadn't. I ended up getting to grade6 without even knowing how to tell the time. Anyway, thats aside the point, but it makes it much harder when you have difficulty focusing on the task at hand and your mind wonders. Its even hard to make friends sometimes. I just wish I could spare him the same childhood I had. I guess I cannot change his genetics, but I can change his up bringing. And I am determined he does not have the one I had, however, how do I compare as a mum to others? I fear my up-bringing has damaged my personality that much, I don't know if I can offer my boy what I want him to have.
I find it difficult to deal with people similar to myself. I curse myself often about how dumb I am, I don't want to one day wind up saying the same to him because I cant handle something he's done, or hasn't.
Oh dear, what do you think?
Bubbles10
16-01-2012, 11:29
This was ok, but now he will pick up his duck for example, and I ask him clearly and simply to put it in the bucket, something which he normally loves to do. But then he will get distracted with the small puddle of water left in the bottom of the bath and he wants to play in it. So I ask him again, he doesn't even look at me, just keeps stomping in the puddle. I wait, and give him time, then calmly ask again. I could be there all night. While his attention is on something much more fun, forget it.
That sounds like normal toddler behaviour to me.
Arusaamatus
16-01-2012, 11:32
Big :hugs:mysweetboy. I think you're doing a fantastic job from what I've read. It's not easy raising a child. To me, you seem really well-read, the language in your posts is brilliant compared to other mothers I know. I don't think you need a great education to raise a child. I did great at school but as soon as I had DS everything went out the window anyway!
In regards to your son not speaking. That does seem odd, but I was exactly the same. When I was his age the doctors told my mum I had autism (Only spoke a couple of words, and had an obsession with puzzles and organisation). They were uhm... not exactly accurate on that diagnosis! Either way I went into speach therapy and by the time I was in first grade I was reading ahead of the other kids, had friends; was still shy, but I spoke and I played.
Speach therapy may not be what your son needs, though I have vague memories of being very interested in what the therapist was doing, so it may help. It's hard to know when he just doesn't seem interested.
Have you worked out a next course of action? Maybe a psychologist, or a speach therapist could help work things out? I think you're doing a great job at home, just try to hold onto the thought that he's so young now, chances are he'll come good when he's ready (just like I did), in the meantime, just arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible :)
All the best :fingerscrossed:
its ok, my brother is 16 almost 17 and still never clicked like me and my sister. Not being self obsessed or anything but I got all the smart genes i think, Im good at school, can draw really well, can do any sport activity as well as any boy could in school if not better, learnt piano etc when i was younger, picked up any job given qucikly, got the ability to "be a mum" from so young when i was 16, was kicked out of home and managed to survive with little struggle, you name it i am capable
my sister got the smarts of school work, that was about it.
but my brother... he likes fishing and surfing. can not focus on any sort of home work. seems like he got what ever was left over haha not sure if its because he's a boy but he got the same pressure to do homework and pushed in school as much as us so not sure whats happened there. :freakingout:
I know someone else who has a 2-3yo who still doesnt talk by choice and has no discipline at all because he just doesnt listen or focus, i think maybe its somthing you have to accept for now and see what happens ??
OP - *please* do not pay attention to labels at the moment.
I say this because I could of written your first post myself. My son will be 2 in a matter of weeks and is identical to what you've described. He's been in daycare for 3 months and while he has/is making progress, he is delayed in every way and has massive sensory issues.
We've been to several places. At the moment we're waiting on a hearing test (his hearing is fine, I'm 100% sure of it, we just need to have it 'officially' ruled out), then we need to see a paediatrician in order for government funded help at Daycare to start (ie special needs aide, Occupational therapist, speech therapist etc).
I'm aware that my boy could just be a little slow, I'm also aware it could be more serious than that and it has been suggested he shows many (in fact, every) trait of Autism by a doctor and Daycare staff member but until EVERYTHING ELSE is ruled out, I will not entertain that idea.
My advice is take him to your local child health clinic and go from there, if you want to chat PM me :) I know how frustrating and worrying this is :hugs:.
babynomad
16-01-2012, 15:33
My son has been labeled autistic, but it does give him assistance in the form of a grant for therapy , it does give me peace of mind that I was not doing anything wrong and it does give me hope for his future because l
I'm seeing improvements daily . A label is nothing to worry about. I treat him like every other kid and as I do my other child. He has talents emerging every day that amaze me. I just wanted to say don't be afraid to source another opinion when he is three. Maybe he will grow out of it , I'm sure he will be ok xxx
My youngest has only really started saying words properly and stringing them together in the last 3 months, and he is 3yrs old in early Feb. He's on time with all other milestones.
So your sons delayed speech may be an indicator of something, or it may be completely normal.
Zombie_eyes
16-01-2012, 20:22
Id get him seen by a developmental paeditirician, which will want a speech asessment..
Well worth it. My two sons are flourishing now we are getting them the help they need.
Thats all any of it is about, getting your child help to make their life easier.
Get his hearing checked. You can't self assess as sometimes there can be very subtle problems which can affect speech.
I think that you have some self esteem issues that are clouding your judgment. You can't make a conclusive assessment on his intelligence now. I was slow developmentally as a toddler, but ended up pretty much a straight a student in school. And even if he's not that bright, it doesn't really matter. There's a place for everybody in life.
Consider seeing a developmental paed, for peace of mind, if nothing else.
At your son"s age, my son was saying fewer than 5 words, no babble, didn't really try. I had him assessed by a sp with some language delay. She said he may grow out of it,.or may need therapy. I took him fortnightly for a year. At 3, his speech is fine. Tbh, I think it came good of its own accord but I erred on the side of caution as I didn't want to regret it later.
Clarabelle
16-01-2012, 21:41
Well, you are certainly articulate, give yourself some credit. Articulate=intelligent, in my experience anyway! if your gut instinct tells you that something is wrong, it probably is. It does sound a little odd that he doesn't seem to communicate naturally. Even without language, babies will communicate and interact. For example, my 2 year old knows when I'm not happy with her behaviour, and she will react to my mood. However, it is pefectly normal for a 2 year old to be easily and often distracted. Your description of his behaviour with the bath toys sounded pretty normal to me.
All the best, and trust your own judgement. What does your son's Dad say? Does he agree?
mysweetboy
17-01-2012, 08:20
I'm starting to think I've got a pretty normal little boy, the problem probably lies with me.
MsMummy- I think you are right, I think perhaps it is my self esteem issues. I had considered before if I had been a confident person within myself, like so many mums I know, maybe this would not even be an issue. Maybe I'm just paranoid. And you are right, there is room for everybody in life. We need diversity, if we were all the same, I don't think the human race would be where it is today, I don't think we could have survived. Thats another story, but I think we really do need all types to make the world go round.
Clarabelle- About the situation with the bath toys, thats pretty much the problem. I guess it is no problem, but thats what happens when I "call" it a problem.
It has been very interesting reading everyone else's experiences. When I first voiced my concerns to my Health Centre Nurse, she did say (being in a small country town) that there is not enough children to see the variety of different behaviours and developmental stages. I guess she is right. Now that I have taken more notice in the last day or so, I realise my Son does look at me. He looks at me all the time actually. I just hadn't paid much attention as I was only focusing on the "bath time" situation, and it was distressing me when I couldn't get him to focus on me when there was a puddle of water that apparently needed stomping in.
Although I couldn't seem to get him to understand what I wanted then, even though we have done it before, he understands a lot of what I say. He understands when he is and is not allowed to do something. He understands "get your shoes" "we're going outside" "lets get into the car" just stuff like that. The other thing is, even when he is busy, I can say something to him and he pays little if no attention at all. But as soon as I say "would you like...." He knows I'm about to offer him something to eat, so he looks up to see what I have.
I still think there are some things to investigate, but I am pretty sure, as is my doctor and health centre nurse, that he is not autistic. He is also very loving, and will come up and give me cuddles all the time. Something I was told autistic children do not do, or do little.
So I thank all of you for your input and advice. If anything at all, you have helped me to realise I have a very special little boy, whether he is slow or not. Right now, he is pushing the buttons on the printer. I have told him not to, and he stopped, but as soon as I take my attention away, I can see in the corner of my eye he is looking at me, and a little finger is creeping ever so close to the printer buttons......:) I once heard on a documentary by an american psychologist, that a smart child will keep trying and attempting to get away with things. They will do things they are not supposed to when your back is turned. There were lots of theories as to why this is, and it was very interesting, but I will not go into that now, I have babbled enough, I am just happy my child is showing signs that he is not dumb after all, just unique!!! Thankyou all so much.
mysweetboy
02-02-2012, 09:01
Oh dear, so here I am again.........
Well after my last post I was sure I was just paranoid and really had a "normal" little boy. In most cases he is fine, but now I see he is showing symptoms of autism. So here we go, off to a hearing test, speech therapist and paed'..... Things are not looking so good after all. Anyone out there with a child being diagnosed with autism? I would love to hear from you....
onkybear
02-02-2012, 11:43
:hugs::hugs:Autism is not a scary as we tend to think it is. And the earlier you can get onto diagnosing it the better. I do agree that the hearing test is the first port. For us it was the ent that sent us on for testing for autism. If you have any specific questions please ask away. Did you know that Bill Gates is Autistic? Alot of the brightest minds in the world have autism. Look up the raising children website they have some amazing information on there.. Goodluck :hugs::hugs:
Chew the Mintie
02-02-2012, 11:58
First of all, I can tell from your post that you aren't dumb, but you do have low self esteem.
You may have ADD, which makes it harder for you to concentrate on things you aren't interested in, but can also make you think deeply about things you are interested in.
Now - I have to admit something. I once thought my eldest was a bit.. dumb. But she isn't. She's really smart. Her brain just developed later.
I think your son might benefit from some intervention in terms of speech therapy - some children speak later, but intervening (I think) never hurts. My little brother did not speak until he was 3 and he has a Masters in Philosophy of Quantum Mechanics - he is smart. He was exactly the same asyou describe your son being - a little bit off with the fairies, couldn't sit still or focus. he has been diagnosed with ADD but he is *not dumb* - far from it.
You have lots of wonderful qualities to pass on to your son, compassion, empathy, and intelligence too.
Don't write him off. He's his own person, doing things at his own speed.
Hello all....
This is going to sound very silly, so I hope to make myself as clear as possible.
I have a beautiful DS who is 2 in just a few weeks. I love him so much and he is my world, but he is just soooo much slower than other kids and he just does not "get" things.
He is very much in his own world. I don't actually think he is "dumb", but he just cannot focus on anything other than what he is looking at at the time. He still is not talking, not even attempting to talk. I was not so worried, I know boys can be slower. My health centre nurse just said to say things slowly, and to name things while I am doing things. I have been doing that for a long time, it makes no difference.
If I am trying to show him something, I can talk till my face is blue, he wont take any notice, just keeps on doing his thing. If I grab him and make him look at me, he briefly looks, still has no idea what I'm on about and moves his attention to what he was doing at the time. This is very frustrating. I see toddlers younger than him ant playgroup responding to their mum, pointing at things and even if they can not talk they try to communicate. My Son doesn't. He just wants to climb things, throw balls and push toy cars. Which is fine, but he just can not focus on what I am saying, nor does he attempt to even pronounce any words after I repeat them.
I feel it is not his fault. Unfortunately, he is just like his mum. I do not profess to be the smartest person, in fact I am far from it. I think most times I'm a dumb dumb too. I was slow at school, a daydreamer. DS is a daydreamer too, I catch him all the time looking at a stare spot, just daydreaming.
My mum used to say when helping me with homework, "its like its so simple you cant believe its that easy" she would say this when helping me solve a problem. Sometimes, I would solve the problem quickly, but it seemed too easy, that there must be a trick, a hidden agenda to the problem, then I would start looking at it in a different light thinking there must be more to it, then I'd get the answer completely wrong!!! Sometimes I surprize myself and get things quick, other times I just cant get it. I remind myself that somethings are just too complex for me to get, I'm just too stupid to do it. My older brother is very smart, and from a young age he would trick me with when helping me with homework. If I knew how to spell something, I would just check with him to make sure I was right. Even if I had it right, he'd tell me I was wrong, so I'd try another way, change it, after all my brother wouldn't be wrong. When I'd hand my work into the teacher and get a bad report on it, I'd think of how hard I tried and I still couldn't get it. It shattered my confidence and I'd stop trying. Is my "dumbness" a result of my brothers humorous ways to confuse me, or am I just naturally dumb and passed it on to my DS? Some say I'm too hard on myself, I say, I'm realistic.
So who knows how this has come about. I guess I'm just looking for an excuse. But I think I know the answer. My Son just isn't that bright, and he gets it from me. It makes me so sad for him. I only want the best for him. Anyone out there with any advise? I am so lost about this.
Zombie_eyes
02-02-2012, 12:11
:hugs:both of my sons have autism.
anything u want to ask just shoot a pm my way and i'll be glad to chat/help
your child (and mine) are not defined by their diagnosis. they are amazing wonderful happy boys. life is just harder for them. but thats why they have us. to help.
early intervention is the key. good on you for getting the ball rolling.
delirium
02-02-2012, 12:14
Do YOU think there's something wrong? I really believe in mother's intutiton.
He does has some facets of autism, but some of the stuff you listed can be normal. My DD is very bright. Spoke in clear sentences by 12 months old. Well above milestones. When DS hit 18 months he wasn't talking said mum dad and pa and that was about it. I was really worried. Then about a week before he turned 2 it was like a light switch was turned on and he just started talking.
From about 12 months he threw shocking tantrums and was just into EVERYTHING. He had a limited attention span and up until about 2 months ago (he's now 4.5) I was ready to make a paed appointment to look at ADHD. But in the last 2 months his behaviour has improved 100%. He knows all his numbers, alphabet,colours, his attention span has markedly improved.
I guess in my long winded response I'm saying that some of the stuff you list is within normal behaviour of a 2 yo boy. Despite people think it's not PC I firmly believe boys *usually* develop different to girls and until maybe 7-8 are behind girls.
But you are worried and I think you should def get that appointment and have him assessed. Better to know he is on the spectrum then to know 2-3 years down the track
mysweetboy
02-02-2012, 16:42
delirium- Yes I do think there is something wrong. But then again, I have been paranoid since before he was born!! Even when he was just months old, I kept comparing him to others, despite my MCN telling me is perfectly normal. He reached his milestone a little later than most, but still within the average range.
DiamondEyes- Thankyou, I will keep that in mind and i just may PM you. Thanks.
Chew the Mintie- I thought a lot about your response. You probably are right, perhaps I'm not so much "dumb" but I think there is something there. I "appear" "normal", I completed school, had successful jobs, but sometimes I just feel stupid. Perhaps it was my brothers early attempts to sabotage anything I did and ruin my confidence. Perhaps he did it because I really was dumb and an easy target, or perhaps it was jealousy. He is nearly 4 years older than me, and before I came along it was just him and mum, and he was mum's special little boy, I guess I came along and ruined it.:p
I went to my dr a few days ago to get DS referrals for a hearing test and to see a paed, and I asked my doc if there was a chance I could have autism. He smiled and told me I definitely did not have autism. But just maybe I do have ADD..... something to look into, so thankyou, I had never given that a thought.
Also, when you said about my boy, not to write him off, I nearly cried. I hadn't admitted it to myself, but I nearly had written him off. The sad thing is, because I am a highly strung person, I was wondering if it really was in my son's best interests to stay with me. I was considering alternatives, adoption for one.. I thought he'd be better off. But now, after reading so many responses, I'm looking at things in a different light, perhaps things are not as bad as I first thought...
The other thing is, I know some of the worlds brightest people (Einstein for one) have a type of autism. But it is not just how he will cope with school, finding work later on and just everyday life, its how he will find life in the social circle that bothered me. I am worried he will get picked on, (I am in a small country town, I don't know of any locals with and developmental problems) what about later in life, what about girlfriends? What about having good friends? I hope he can be socially accepted.
Also Mintie, my brother could barely talk till he went to school. Now he is a pharmacist. But a part from not talking, he did everything else normally. I also have 2 cousins who have autistic sons. One is relatively "normal" the other is quite a handful.
I thank everyone for their responses. I am sure I will be back again, it is good to get these things off your chest. I have no one to talk to about it here. Thanks for letting me see its not the end of the world. Thanks for letting me see things can be ok. I am now quite optimistic about it all. I have an appointment for my DS for speech therapy, a paed appointment and a hearing test, and now, I am quite keen to get things moving and do what I can for my DS. Before you all wrote, I was in tears and thought the world had come crashing down, so thankyou.
MissMuppet
02-02-2012, 16:56
Dear Mysweetboy, my heart hurts for how you were treated by your brothers. You sound like a lovely, caring, intelligent woman and your son is absolutely better off in your care. Its so easy to doubt yourself when your children don't seem to follow the usual path, especially so when you've been taught to doubt yourself and mistrust your instincts from childhood. But you are the best mother for your child. And I can guarantee you he loves you with all his heart and you are his hero, even if he is yet to say it.
Good luck with all the appointments. :hugs::hugs:
I cant comment on what is going on but i wanted to tell you about a friend of mine. what you said about how you used to be the same reminded me of her. She has a dd 4yo, who is painfully shy and 'slow' to warm to things, new things, kids activities etc. My friend says she was the very same when she was little, and so she understands how her dd is, and feels that she is a very good position to support and encourage her, precisely because she understands how her daughter approaches and handles things.
HTH, :hugs:
mysweetboy
02-02-2012, 18:16
MissMuppet- Its funny how things turn out. I came on here because of my concerns for my child. But I felt my concerns may go hand in hand with my personality, and what I was like as a child. It has made me bring out things about myself, not to get pity or sympathy, but so readers could best understand what my concerns/fears for my Son really were, is it just him being slow, a personality trait, or is much more than that. But in bringing up some of my childhood influences and memories, I actually feel for the first time, that I've been "heard".
Its funny how you can feel un-validated when speaking to someone face to face, yet, here, sitting behind a computer screen, I feel that my voice has been heard, and I feel that there is someone out there who understands.
mysweetboy
02-02-2012, 18:37
MrsTiggyWinkle- Thankyou for your story about your friend's DD. I guess you were telling me that, because I say my DS is so much like myself, I should be able to understand him better and help him through it? You would think so.
The problem is, I suffered so much from low self-esteem for most of my life ( I was diagnosed with depression for 10 years, though I am only 27) and because I feel that I "failed" at so much, I'm scared of watching him "fail" too. I write "fail" like that, because I do know that if you don't get something right the first time or if you don't do something as good as someone else, its not necessarily a failure, but thats just how it feels. If my Son indeed is the same as me, I don't know how to coach him out of it. No one could help me, I had to do it on my own, but I left a trail of destruction wherever I went. I want better for my Son. The thing is, its like I had tunnel vision. No matter how somebody tried to get me to see the positive side of things, or tried to straighten me out, I just couldn't see it. And so, if the same happens with my Son, and I re-live all of it again, I really am not the one to help him through it, I feel I just am not strong enough mentally. But who knows, perhaps with a few more "straightened" years under my belt, and maybe being a little older and a little wiser, perhaps I will surprise myself and maybe I can do it after all. I guess time will tell..
Yes you very well may surprise yourself. I can understand your worries if you have been through similar, but there are a lot of choices still ahead of you, a lot of paths to choose and a lot of people you will meet along the way who will help you, starting with these appointments you have lined up. Pick those peoples brains and ask everywhere for support, for information to read and organisations that might be able to help, websites you can read etc. The two of you can learn a lot and grow together. Have you talked to anyone about your fears of not being able to take care of him? Do you have a counsellor or a psych that has helped you in the past?
I'm glad that you feel heard, I'm sorry you have been feeling so alone:hugs:
You're definitely not dumb! You can write! have you seen the poor English of some posters???? I also think you are placing your experience of feeling dumb onto your son. You don't want him to be, so subconsciously any little sign of him being dumb and you jump on it.
Try to get his attention with things he enjoys. he's obviously very busy discovering things on his own. Maybe if mummy is doing something interesting he'll come over and have a look!
mysweetboy
04-02-2012, 10:46
fludo- You know what, I think your right! Perhaps I'm so paranoid about it I am picking up on every little thing he does. Maybe I am giving him a hard time...? Not that I am making my thoughts and feelings come through to my parenting or the way I treat him. Although, I do feel something is not quite right, I think maybe I should just not try to analyse every little detail. But thats me. I feel this way today, and tomorrow I'll be back to being concerned and worried. Oh dear!
I have a very similar experience with my DS. He's now 4.5 and I've just got a referral from the GP to get a second opinion from a pead for autism.
I got his hearing tested when was about 2 and it was fine. He's been having speech therapy for the last 18 (or so) months and his speech has improved enormously but he is still behind. I used to get upset because I would read about people's 2 year olds saying this and that and mine couldn't even say "Mumma". :( I think having such a speech delay has affected his comprehension of the world so he just doesn't get things that a standard 4.5 year old does.
He still has terrible attention span, DF and I joke that he has the attention span of a brain damaged gnat. (Not in front of him or course)
Before they turn 4 you can get Medicare rebated speech therapy but you have to jump through some big hoops first. The first step is to find a sympathetic GP - I had to change my GP because our old one wasn't helpful at all. PM me if you would like any more information on how the medicare funded speech therapy works (we can also get occ therapy as well).
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