Anyone have one child, but not by choice?

[share a book]

I only have one child, but wanted more. My plan was to have 2 children close in age, then maybe another 2 a few years later. My reality is that I have an only child and the only way to have more is to adopt or hook up with someone with a child, both very unlikely situations.

Anyone else in that situation? How do you feel about it?

[jez]

We only have 1 child and I desperately want another. However after over 18 months TTC and many failed fertility treatments I am trying to accept that it's just not going to happen. We could keep trying with fertility treatment and hope we eventually get lucky bug the cost is killing us and I'm extremely *****y and irrational when in the hormones and it was doing damage ti our relationship. I don't Wang to end up with no baby and no DH. But it hurts like hell and I get very emotional about not getting to experience the baby stage again and feel guilty for not giving DD a sibling. I went back to work full time when DD was just 12 weeks as we were building a house and the plan was I would stay at home with both children when we had a second baby. I have just finished work 2 weeks ago and we are about to sell our house as I feel like I have missed too much time with DD . Had I known she was going to be the only one I would not have gone back to work and would have stayed at home and joined mums groups and all those things and not built a house .


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[shelle65]

:wave: You know, I was going to start this thread myself yesterday...

I have one child, I am single and yesterday I found out that even if I do find a partner I most likely cannot conceive another child anyway.

Have been trying very hard to think of all the positives - all the things I can do with DD, all the things I can do for myself, never having to go through pregnancy, sleepless nights etc again... On the other hand I am very anxious about becoming an overprotective single mum, if something happened to DD then I just wouldn't have any reason to exist any more...

[share a book]

I think it really hit when I had a moment today. I put a couple of things into a small box for if my nephew ever visits, but am in the process of selling or donating everything she has outgrown. It hit me that she turns 9 this year so it really is time to accept this.

[KatiesMum]

Hi girls

I have been there ... for such a long time. I promise you that eventually it does get a bit better. Its still hard, but the pain gets less over time.

I have to go .. but will come back later and post my story.
:hugs:

[share a book]

Hi girls

I have been there ... for such a long time. I promise you that eventually it does get a bit better. Its still hard, but the pain gets less over time.

I have to go .. but will come back later and post my story.
:hugs:

Yeah I have felt this way for the better part of my 8yo's life, but it seems more "set" I guess after today's cleanout.

[Confusedmum12]

Yes we do.

Both dp and i dreamed of having 2 children but when ds was born with all his complications we then knew he would be our only child i still feel for another and get clucky so often it's not funny but i just have to remember why we are only have ds.

[share a book]

I took in a dog, thinking that would fill a void. Then 2.5 years later I bought a kitten. I love my furry friends, but the void is not filled.

[bugalugsmel]

DH & I are the parents of a beautiful 7 week old DD but unfortunately I can't give her a sibling. I am already clucky for more babies (wanted 3-4) but my pregnancy and birth were so complicated that we have been advised that I shouldn't fall pregnant again.
I would rather DD have no siblings rather than no mother but it is sooo hard :(

[shelle65]

:hugs::hugs: to everyone.

Secondary infertility (whether medical or social) is so hard because you are faced with constant reminders. You have to live in the world of kids and families and pregnant people.

You have to put up with comments like "you should really give your child a sibling, only children are lonely sociopaths". Or when people know that you can't have another "well you are so lucky to have the one you have, you should just be grateful".

[share a book]

:hugs::hugs: to everyone.

Secondary infertility (whether medical or social) is so hard because you are faced with constant reminders. You have to live in the world of kids and families and pregnant people.

You have to put up with comments like "you should really give your child a sibling, only children are lonely sociopaths". Or when people know that you can't have another "well you are so lucky to have the one you have, you should just be grateful".

Yep, the comments about selfishness are tiring.

[bugalugsmel]

:hugs::hugs: to everyone.

Secondary infertility (whether medical or social) is so hard because you are faced with constant reminders. You have to live in the world of kids and families and pregnant people.

You have to put up with comments like "you should really give your child a sibling, only children are lonely sociopaths". Or when people know that you can't have another "well you are so lucky to have the one you have, you should just be grateful".

Yep!! I get so many comments about how I'll soon forget how traumatic my pregnancy was and how can I even THINK about doing that to DD (no sibling).
I sustained permanent damage to 3 major organs and temporary damage to 2 more. Yeah, don't think I'll forget that. The needles & tablets that I have to take everyday for the rest of my life will help me remember :/
Grrrr...

[KatiesMum]

ah yeah - gotta love the comments about what a selfish horrible person you are for denying your child a sibling

I ended up TTC'ing for 4 yrs to conceive DD ... was absolutely awful. Had a lap, did all kinds of things and then the month before starting IVF I conceived naturally :smiliedance: was my miracle baby.

Because of the difficulties involved in conceiving, I always treated her as if she might be the only bubs, so kinda did things with the "no regrets" in mind. After 18 months of TTC no 2, DH and I went down the IVF route once again. This time I got to the start of my first cycle, when I was diagnosed with Luekaemia.

I am fine - there is great drug treatments available which luckily for me I seem to be responding to .... but these drugs cannot be taken in pregnancy, and I have to stay on the drugs forever. So - no more babies for me :( :gloomy: I was actually ok about the Luekaemia .. my Dr is awesome and didnt let me freak out about it until I understood pretty well what was going on - and by then I was responding ok so was all good. Dealing with no IVF, and no chance of ever having another baby - that was a totally different story :frown: I was completely devastated. DH and I had always put a timeline on IVF ... and I had said 'if we havent conceived in 12 months, we will stop and I will be fine with that' ... but having been there - I can tell you I totally would not have been.

Still - being no choice, no hope, no chance of it ever happening ... means that its very final. And its no ones fault (well, the universe ... fate ... whatever - its not DH's, its not mine so there isnt any blame or resentment for a decision I couldnt have made IYKWIM)

I cried for a week before cleaning out all DD's baby things. Sold her cot, pram etc, gave away her clothes, I just couldnt have them in the house knowing I couldnt use them again. Watching all of my friends have 2nd and 3rd children has been incredibly hard. So much harder than I ever thought. But - over time it has got easier. I still have moments ... still cry at times over the fact that DD will never have a sister or brother. Still get upset over not having another baby to love.

But I have the worlds most amazing child, and I love her more than anything in the world. And I stop and think of the many, many people who cant have any ... and know that I am still lucky. :hugs:

[share a book]

Thank you for sharing. I took on 4 children, and had my own at the time, so I had 5 aged 7 and under. It felt so good, so right, but they were only here until child safety said their mother could have them back. Even though the 7 yo had anxiety, my then 5yo had adhd (later diagnosed with asd), and the 3yo also had adhd, speech delay and poor hearing (with a toddler and another 5yo thrown in) it still felt so natural and I was able to keep up with housework far better than I can now with only my dd. I took the oldest to school, the others to daycare, worked an 8 hour day, fed them all home cooked meals, packed a nice lunch for the school kid, praised them often, spent lots of time with each one, took them to activities, had them all in my bed through storms, loved every minute of it. I toilet trained the 2 youngest, too. Then felt empty again, and felt awful for dd. It's hard because she isn't technically an only child, with her father having created another 5+ kids, but she will never meet them so it's irrelevant.

[lambjam]

I'm so sorry you're in that position :(

I identify with this thread because, while I was physically able to have more children, the world seemed to conspire against me. We made the decision not to have any more (which is why there's over 5 years between #1 and #2) but my heart was screaming against that decision.

It may sound funny coming from someone with four children, but DS1 was incredibly close to being an only child, and no I didn't feel I had any control or choice in that.

My heartfelt empathy to those who would like more children but can't, no matter what the reason :hugs:.

[Little-Pink-Hen]

I couldn't read this thread without giving you all hugs!

For those struggling with infertility after their first. Big hugs. I feel this type of infertility is less understood than couples who struggle TTC with their first. I had a friend who was doing IFV TTC her 2nd child the same time I was doing iui TTC my first. I watched her going through so much pain and one day was telling my best friend about it. She told me how selfish she was be whose at least she had one child :eek:
Katiesmum. I relate so much to your story, we TTC dd for over five years and was due to start our 6th iui cycle when we found out I had lymphoma. Im very blessed but I struggle still with the control of my fertility being taken out of my hands and my health playing a major part in that :hugs:

[happykat]

:hugs:to everyone! Whilst I still hold on to a small amount of hope that my circumstances may change, I have spent more than 5 years now ttc #2. For a long time I had become resigned to the fact it would never happen as we could not afford IVF but after a surgery in November my fs said it may now be possible. The emotional highs and lows of the last few months having so many tests and medications almost makes me wish he had never said there was hope because I think I would have been ok with just having my ds :confused: Problem is that it took me years to get to that point and I don't want to go through it all again if it doesn't work.

[Kitty10]

It's great that there are other people to talk to about this issue, although I really wish no-one had to go through this. As you can see from my siggy we are still doing IVF, but not really sure if it will work and I have been trying to come to terms with it for a while.

And it is so difficult to watch everyone around you fall pregnant (I am a fertility good luck charm I think!) but you still can't. Some days I am okay with it, and other days I am definitely not okay with it.

When we first started TTC#2 it was because I wanted another baby, but as DD gets older, it is now all about giving her a sibling. I am over my need to have another baby, but feel I can't give up on giving her a sibling. Which is silly in some ways because there is no guarantee that having a sibling is a good thing, but still the way I feel. I dread the day when she asks me why she doesn't have a brother or sister. Anyone have any tips with that one? At the moment I am just thinking I will tell her that all families are different - some little, some big, some 2 parents, some 1 parents etc.

But I adore my DD and trying to think of the positives of having one which mainly involves more travel in my life :yes:

[Kitty10]

Also just wondered, those of you with older kids, how do your kids feel about being an only child? Are they okay with it?

[mumtochris]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Sorry to hear what you all have been going through. I too have an only child not by choice, DS was conceived naturally after 3 months TTC so of course I thought I was going to be fine for future pregnancies, gee how wrong I was :confused:. It's now been just over 4 years since TTC no. 2 and 3 failed IVF attempts. We started TTC when DS was 2.5 years. I never heard about secondary infertility and it was a big shock when I started to find out about it and how many couples go through it.

Why, why, why aren't couples warned about this? If I knew this was a possibility I would have started TTC when DS was much younger. Even if we do have another baby I will never ever get over this period in my life. I feel like the choice of having an only child was taken out of our control, and that's so hard to accept. We're just about to start our 4th IVF cycle, but with poor egg quality and DH's sperm not the best, I'm not too hopeful but will still give it a go. I know I should give up soon, DS will be 7 this year and I know we can't keep trying forever but I'm just not ready to stop trying yet.

[shelle65]

:hugs: to everyone. Kitty10, DD regularly asks me when she's going to have a baby sister. Not if - when. I usually just say "I don't know if you will have a sister, but you have J and S [her cousins] and you can play with them just like they are your brother and sister..." This doesn't completely satisfy her but I don't know what else to say.

I guess there is a strong chance she will have a half sibling one day, as her dad is very likely to have more kids. Which is simultaneously a happy and painful thought for me - DD having siblings that have nothing to do with me. Although I'll be glad she has siblings, I worry a lot that when she has a happy family with lots of siblings at her dad's, she will prefer to live with him, and visiting "lonely, boring old mum" will be a bit of a chore :( Especially as I've put in all the hard work over the early years and he's gotten to be "disneyland dad"...

[KatiesMum]

DD used to ask constantly if she could have a sister. It made me cry every single time.

Especially as her best friend from school has a new baby sister .... so for the entire pregnancy all I got was "but A gets a sister. Why cant I have a sister too? Its not fair Mummy!!!" (complete with feet stamping, tears and yelling)

She has come to accept that I wont have any more .... though she is only 5, so we will probably go through the same phase a few more times yet - oh joy :rolleyes:.

[share a book]

My dd hasn't mentioned it for a while, but often tells people she has siblings who don't live with us. That really stings. I remember when she was 4 I took her to a park and this other kid her age was there too. The father came over to push her on th swing, and I had dd in the other swing. The other kid said she was a big sister now, and dd asked the father if he could help me have a baby so she could have one too. I have never seen a guy take off so fast in my life but again, it really hurt. She stopped asking about it after that.

[happykat]

I don't think a week goes by when ds doesn't ask when he might get a baby brother or sister. I do family day care and 3 of the children I look after have pregnant mothers so that has set him off again. It is hard enough to see them every week without his constant questions too! He even dreams about it sometimes and wakes up saying 'when you have a baby in your tummy' or 'when the baby is born' ..... that is the hardest because he talks about it like it is a realitly!! :heywhat:

[SassyMummy]

I don't have any sort of infertility (that I'm aware of), but life has gotten in the way of me being able to offer my child a sibling.

I had wanted to TTC with her father, but he wanted no part of it... and then we broke up. So obviously, nothing happened there. Then when I got into my relationship with DP, it wasn't a good idea to just go, "Hi, I'm Stacey, let's make babies," so we had to wait a while before we'd even talk about that... and now we've been together nearly 4 years but he's still 2 years younger than I am... he'll be 24 soon, but he's far from ready for offspring... and wants to buy a house, be set up financially, basically, before we even consider babies.

I just keep watching that age-gap DD will have with her siblings getting bigger and bigger and it really does upset me at times... even when she finally gets a brother or sister, the age gap will be large and I'm not sure she'll spend that much time with her brother or sister. I also feel really guilty because she wants a sibling... so desperately.

I don't know if I really "fit in" this thread or not, considering other's have bigger hurdles to have more kids than I do... still, I thought I'd respond anyway.

[mysticme]

Another here who has secondary infertility.
DH and I have a dd who is 7 and have been TTC #2 for 6 years now.
I have had 2 mc in that time.
I don't know if I will ever be blessed with another child. But I will never stop wanting another one.
It has been a very hard 6 years.


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[share a book]

:hugs:

[Kitty10]

Wow it's interesting how your children react to being only children. My DD hasn't mentioned a sibling at all, but I have been expecting it any moment for years now...the closest she has gotten is saying "you only have one child but xxx family has 2 kids". It gave me goosebumps just waiting for her to ask the next question....but she is very lucky to have some great cousins and friends in her life. I actually think she has the best social life of any 3 year old I know - I am just desperate for her not to feel like a "lonely-only".

Shareabook - I am not sure weather to laugh at your story or not!! Were you horrified?? I would probably be soooo embarrassed!!

Sassy's mum - of course you are welcome here! Not just about fertility, just life circumstances in general get in the way sometimes. I know the age-gap thing is on my mind constantly, so I completely understand that frustration.

Mysticme :hugs:6 years is a long time to be TTC. Sometimes it is really difficult to balance the hope of wanting another child with the reality that it might not happen :hugs:

[MaybeBabyNo2]

I was in your shoes for a long time. DS is 11 and I was single until he was 6 and once I met DP he wasn't ready for kids of his own. It's really hard, and I struggled with it for a long time. Along the way I've learned something though -- as much as *I* wanted another, I shouldn't have felt any guilt for not giving a brother or sister to DS. At this point (while I'm ironically now TTC) he has absolutely no interest in having a sibling. Even if he'd gotten one when he wanted one he would have likely lost interest quickly when faced with the reality. I was an only child until I was 6 and apparently desperate for a sibling -- now I have 2 I never liked much and hardly speak to. they're 2 years apart and no closer.

Bottom line: all families are different and having more than one child doesn't guarantee a better childhood. Sure DS gets lonely, but hes had a lot of perks and advantages as well.

Me on the other hand...I'm still just as sad I don't have another one.

[Saz71]

Another one with secondary infertility although we have conceived twice in the 3 years we've been TTC number 2 but had first tri miscarriages both times. All tests are ok apart from slightly diminishing egg reserve but we're both 40 so time isn't on our side any more. I've been prescribed clomid now and no success yet but we've only done 1 cycle so far.

The hardest bit for me is seeing friends having had baby number 3 and my poor DS still doesn't have a full sibling (he has two half sisters in NZ though thankfully)

Hugs to all xx

[babybabycakes]

It looks like DS wont get a sibling and im gutted. I dream about it nightly , and my depression which was well under control is harder to deal with.

We have everything in place to have another- due to a very high risk of a not compatible with life chromosomal issue we are approved for gender selection, we have the room. Money would be tighter- but thats not insurmountable.

What is insurmountable id DH deciding he doent want more kids :no:. We decided before marriage that barring fertility issues we would have 2.i wanted 3-4, he wanted 1-2(or so he said). We decided on 2. Now ds will never have a little sister.

I love my husband and son- but if one more person tells me to be greatful for the child i have- or tells me to just have an accident and dh will get over it. It doesnt help. :(

[bugalugsmel]

How are we all doing?
I had a positive week last week - DH & I decided to go on a holiday to QLD when DD is 2;6 which I'm excited about. We will go to NZ the year after as well!!
But then I had a bad day yesterday. My dad had a go at me for wreaking DD - "I've never met a single child I liked - they all have issues!". Gee, thanks Dad. I was in tears when I left. I'm so sick of being judged for something I have no control over :(

[Kitty10]

Hi Girls

Bugalugsmel - Congrats on your holiday! That does sound exciting. I find travel is one of the few things that makes me feel happy about only having one child! It is definitely tiring to travel with kids, but I love sharing that experience with my DD. Awful comment that your Dad made. How hurtful :hugs: I honestly think some people just have no clue how to even superficially put themselves in someone else's shoes :hugs:

Well the day came yesterday when my beautiful DD asked me why she couldn't have a brother. I felt sick to my stomach when she asked :no: She says "mum I would be a good sister, I want to be a sister" and I just felt so sad.....

[waterlily]

Yes and no.

We have had 5 m/c since DD. Now I can't think of anything worse then a baby!! But I don't know if I have built up this wall because deep down I don't think I can have anymore :(

The heart ache really crippled me with the first 3 then the next 2 I just went cold and uncaring :(

But anyway...

[share a book]

Oh yes, they all have issues. Children in families with more than 3 children all have issues too. Children in families with 2 or 3, they never have issues. They are always perfectly well adjusted.

Some have issues, some don't. It really has nothing to do with whether theyhave no siblings, a couple of siblings, or a lot of siblings.

To the person who said accidentally have one, well, that's really dangerous given the genetic problems described. What happens if you accidentally have a boy?

[Saz71]

Yes and no.

We have had 5 m/c since DD. Now I can't think of anything worse then a baby!! But I don't know if I have built up this wall because deep down I don't think I can have anymore :(

The heart ache really crippled me with the first 3 then the next 2 I just went cold and uncaring :(

But anyway...

I can relate, the wall is there for me after only 2 mc so I'm now on the verge of stopping taking the clomid. Like you, I think it's mainly self preservation as deep down I think we'll never have another child.

So sorry you've had to go through 5 losses.

Hugs xx

[waterlily]

I can relate, the wall is there for me after only 2 mc so I'm now on the verge of stopping taking the clomid. Like you, I think it's mainly self preservation as deep down I think we'll never have another child.

So sorry you've had to go through 5 losses.

Hugs xx

Thank you so much, it's good to know I'm not the only one. I've actually had 7, 2 before DD.

But 2 is still huge! I think the pain on one m/c takes an enormous hit to you emotionally! But for me the pain didn't get worse, I got colder :( I just couldn't let myself lose control, DD needed me.

:hugs: to you. x x

[babybabycakes]

Oh yes, they all have issues. Children in families with more than 3 children all have issues too. Children in families with 2 or 3, they never have issues. They are always perfectly well adjusted.

Some have issues, some don't. It really has nothing to do with whether theyhave no siblings, a couple of siblings, or a lot of siblings.

To the person who said accidentally have one, well, that's really dangerous given the genetic problems described. What happens if you accidentally have a boy?

I would never have an accident with this genetic condition. :banghead:
Its what family, friends and a bunch of nosey idiots have said when they ask why we arent having another and i tell them to talk to DH. :hair:

[SimplyMum]

Well, I'm not entirely sure I fall into this catagory or not. I mean, I guess I have a choice but it's not a great one.

You see, I'm a single parent. I have one child and would LOVE to give him a sibling but I'd have to do it through IVF or go down the local pub and get knocked up by a 40yr old alcho. IVF costs money and lots of time. So not a great choice right now.

ATM, there are 5 people pregnant in my area at work and another 3 that will probably become pregnant in the next 12months or so. Each time someone announces their pregnany, I'm confused between feelings of jealousy and happiness for them. I'm even jealous of the girl who is pregnant and in the middle of a seperation from her partner!

Most of the day- I try and convince myself of all the good things about only having 1. More money, more attention, closer relationship, more freedom, etc etc etc

So, not sure if I "qualify" but......

[share a book]

I would never have an accident with this genetic condition. :banghead:
Its what family, friends and a bunch of nosey idiots have said when they ask why we arent having another and i tell them to talk to DH. :hair:

Oh I realise that, I meant to the person who said it to you, it was a horrible thing to say and very dangerous. That wasn't at you.

[babybabycakes]

Oh I realise that, I meant to the person who said it to you, it was a horrible thing to say and very dangerous. That wasn't at you.

:hugs: sorry. Hit a nerve. Thanks for clarifying

[Hays]

So I found out yesterday that I can't have anymore children due to medical/genetic risks associated with a genetic condition I was born with my little boy does not have this condition thankfully but the pregnancy nearly killed me physically mentally and emotionally I know the drs are right and what they are saying to me makes sense but where too from here ? Please help ? How do I accept this and move on? And I think if anyone tells me that I'm lucky to have one some people don't even have that I will scream !

[Myztiks#1Fan]

So I found out yesterday that I can't have anymore children due to medical/genetic risks associated with a genetic condition I was born with my little boy does not have this condition thankfully but the pregnancy nearly killed me physically mentally and emotionally I know the drs are right and what they are saying to me makes sense but where too from here ? Please help ? How do I accept this and move on? And I think if anyone tells me that I'm lucky to have one some people don't even have that I will scream !

Hugs. I have no advice what so ever as i most likely could have another child but its highly unlikely it will happen so only the one for me.

Have you thought about other avenues like perhaps fostering? Doing the big brother/sister/aunties/uncle programs?

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