How to show love

[channy]

Hi all. I have a 6mth old little boy and though my dh and I both adore him we have been having some problems and fighting heaps. He left for work this morning without saying good bye after another fight and he says he does not feel appreciated. Does anyone have any ideas on something I can do to make him feel appreciated and loved? Obviously I need something that isn't going to cost anything (material things dont really mean a great deal as far as I am concerned) and also something that doesn't take all day to organise!! Thanks all in advance.

[Chickadee]

Sounds very familiar. When DH and I aren't connecting I try to think back to pre-baby and honeymoon days to things we used to enjoy doing together or for each other. Spontaneous slow dancing usually works for us.

[red crayon]

Interesting question and an important one too. Off the top of my head, you could try:

giving him a massage
cooking him his favourite meal
writing him a poem
writing him lots of little love notes and hiding them in various places

just a couple of ideas - actually I might do some of them myself.

Hope all does well for you and your DH, Channy.

[Briannabear]

Maybe you could cook his favourite dinner and have it ready for him when he gets home. :) Give him a big hug and ask how his day was.....
Good Luck!

[TwoBlue]

hi Channy
This is such a hard thing to go through and i hope you two can work through it.

Perhaps you can make his favourite meal and have it all ready to go when he gets home, with a really scrummy dessert too :)

Can you get Malakai looked after for an evening and go somewhere special?

Perhaps just a really warm greeting when he gets home, lots of kisses and cuddles and a few positive words... (guys crave positive words.... "what would we do without you" "you work so hard" "your the best" etc etc....) that should help him to feel loved and appreciated...

[drewid]

Hi

Been there too!

Once after we'd been fighting, I left a paper trail through the house with notes on walls and doors, all leading from the garage, for him to follow when he got home. He used to work shift work, so by the time he made it to the bedroom where I was asleep, he was all gushy and ready to make up.

I found a really good back or foot rub is really appreciated. Most men are a sucker for some one-on-one attention that is purely focused on them :)

Cooking dinner is a good one, but I find that just gets me hot and bothered sometimes after slaving in the kitchen! Once we had a candlelight takeaway dinner that was just as good!

Also, snuggling up together in front of a good movie under a doona with a bowl of popcorn is always nice :) A throwback to the lovey-dovey days before babies and responsibilty rolled in...

I hope things look up for you guys soon :)

[Moorish]

I'm with all of you here! I've done all those things even when we're not fighting just to show DH how much I appreciate the time he puts into work to support us.

Also, without getting too personal, a nice massage and a bit of somethin somethin before bed?! ;)

[draught]

Sometimes it is easy to forget our DH's with the focus on our little people.

One of my solutions is not for tonight as it takes a bit of organisation - every few months DH and I have a meal out on our own, leaving the kids with a babysitter. We always go to the same restaurant that we love, and we find that a couple of hours of sitting and talking quietly reminds us of why we got married in the first place and that we really do like each other!!

But for tonight and the short term - a big hug really does wonders - just the physical contact is a reminder of the person you have the connection with!
The other suggestions of meals, poems etc are good. I am not terribly poetic - that is DH's field, but in the past on several occasions I have written him a letter setting out all the good things about him and left it where he will find it (like on his pillow or in the bathroom) and can read it on his own. It has never failed yet to bring us closer and start talking together instead of at each other.

Good luck!
PS - I am going to try the spontaneous slow dance myself Martha - I like it!

[maybe1more]

Channy- I would recommend a night out for you both to spend some quality time together, and maybe then you could tell him what a wonderfull father he is and how much you love and adore him, or even if your are unable to go out to dinner, maybe you could get your son looked after for a little while so you can cook your man he`s favorite meal, while you had chat with him.
My dp and i love our son dearly but sometimes i get the vibes from him sometimes that he feels like his left out because all the attention is always on our son, when he comes home from work he loves it when i ask him how his day was, then i feed our son his dinner while my dp gets a shower, so when he`s shower is over our son is content and not long out of bed so we have 'our' time together.
Hope this helps :)

[Nickster]

Hi Channy,
When I want to spoil DH, I cook him his favourite dessert - bread and butter pudding. He doesn't mind what's for dinner then! Oh, and I have a decent bottle of red to go with dinner. Then if I want to bliss him out, I give him a foot massage and he is in heaven.
Sometimes though, it's just the little things that help you to feel appreciated. Things money can't buy, like a big hug and kiss for no particular reason, or to just spend time together where your partner is totally focussed on you, just to listen to your tales of the day with no interruption ( which includes gazing towards the piles of unfolded washing or glances at the baby monitor ). Just taking time out to really talk together can help keep that connection alive. It's not easy with a baby around, but it has to be done!
Good luck with your "making up" plans, whatever they end up being!

[Chickadee]

I really like the notes idea, I think a few people have suggested it.

I remember walking into my parents bathroom once when I was a teen and seeing a big heart and "I love you" written in lipstick on the bathroom mirror. It sounds so corny, but it stayed there quite some time. My mom also once told me that she used to write notes to put in his lunch bag, of how she loved him, loved having a family with him, etc. They celebrated their 41st anniversary this year. :D

Sometimes the littlest things, done regularly but unexpected, mean the most and create beautiful memories. Oh damn. I've made myself teary. :o Time to get up and go find a lipstick I don't like too much.

[channy]

Thanks all for your replies. We don't have any family here and don't really know anyone well enough to be able to leave Kai with them but I will definately think about some of the other ideas.

[Ky]

Hey Channy ...

Does he have a mobile phone?

We recently went to an evening at our church that was entitled "Sheet Music" and was for married couples only ... iykwim! One tip that was given that impacted the most on everyone was the fact that after you are married and babies have come along, don't let the focus be them entirely! Send a "sexy or lovey dovey" sms when your dh least expectes it. Put a message in thier lunch box, draw a funny face on a hard boiled egg and write a message on it, pick some flowers from the garden on your way in from the car, bring out the best china, wine glasses and a good bottle and sit down to a candlelit dinner after the babies are alseep, read a book to each other while snuggled under a doona on the couch ... just basically, romance each other and things will be ok! As a couple, paying attention to each other, spending time talking and more importantly listening and acknowledging that although you have to give constantly to your baby during the course of the day ... that your dh's touch is a giving rather than taking touch .... bask in it and enjoy the feeling of closeness that being attentive to each other gives.

I have talked to many of my friends who went to this evening and they have all said that thier dh's took notice and they have been receiving flowers, notes, cards from "secret admirers" etc. I know that I have taken the sms hint on board, as we too don't have money to spend on gifts and a kind and loving word means much more to us than anything material.

Anyway, if you read all that you did well!

Don't worry, it is hard when you have such a little one and your time really is taken up and you feel drained at the end of the day. Try some simple acknowledgments of you dh and you will find that he will feel less ignored!

Take care ...

[ThomasMum]

My advice is really simple and easy and all FREE. We always say “I love You” to each other, because without these we wouldn’t be able to start our day. My DH is a very passionate person, all his colleague knows how much he adores his family, after many years of marriage he still sending me flowers from Roses Only to my office (and no he ordered it himself not thru his PA!), he says sweet things like, “gosh you look so hot I’m so lucky” even though at that time I was wearing a pair of old daggy pants with unmatching socks!
And talking about how you two first met might helps. We both have a special memory in the back of our mind which will be there till the day we die, the day we met. And this memory will keep the flame keep on going!

And now with the lil one, even tho you cant do stuff together much anymore, but all you have to do is look at your lil one. Your lil one is the product of your love to each other. Now thats sweet!
Thats how we see Thomas. He makes our love grows stronger :)

So if you can practice saying to each other I love yous, hugs, and kisses and appreciate each others in the morning when you get up and the night before you fall asleep, I can guarantee there will be no fighting and life’s wonderful!
It works like magic for us! :p

Good luck!

[mumof2girls]

My hubby and I don't argue and never have, but I think it is because we still do the same things we did when we first met, leave the dishes and give him a massage, or just sit on the couch and cuddle. Little things like this seem to always fade away but also seem to be the most important as well, just remember all the little things you guys did and go back to doing them and hopefully things will improve very soon good luck :)

[poshBecks]

Hi Channy!

When Dh & I got married, we were given a book called " The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I highly recomend it for EVERY couple!
Basically there are 5 love languages; Words of affirmation, Physical touch, gift giving, quality time & Acts of service.
We all speak a different language, so for example. My main language is Gifts (I can't help it!!) then quality time. Dh is Physical touch then acts of service. So if I really want dh to feel loved by me, buying him a gift is nice, but he'd prefer me to give him a cuddle & kiss as soon as he walks in or make him a nice dinner or something. Same goes for me, cuddles & kisses are nice, but sometimes for me too smothering. But for me a note on the mirror before he leaves for work or a bunch of flowers from the garden speak way more " I love you"!

Try figuring out what makes him feel really special! Not just something that you'd like.
Although once I sent dh on a treasure hunt when he got home from work. At each hiding place I put a note & it had a line from our wedding vows on it, then a clue where to find the next one. It was really fun & he thought it was special!
Although he said he got a bit worried at first coz all the first clue said was " From this day forward I promise to be faithful to you..." He wasn't sure what I was about to tell him! LOL!!

Any way, sorry so long! Good luck :p
Becky

[Moorish]

Oh I can vouch for this book, it's brilliant! It's written by a Christian counsellor however the basis of the book is aimed at anyone in a relationship.
I've learned that after nearly 6 years of marriage (and several re-reads of the book) that the way we "speak" love changes over time. So how we showed or received love while dating or engaged may be totally different to how it's displayed after having kids.

Definately recommended reading for all!

[rainbow]

Hey Channy, I hope things are looking up.

If it were me and my hubby this is how I would approach it (everyone is different)...

I would listen/watch for his car to pull up in the driveway. I would rush outside and give him a big hug and a big grin to match, tell him I'm glad he's home, and hand him a cold beer. We would walk inside to a house that had been straightened up a bit (it wouldn't be immaculate, just a basic tidy-up). There would be soft music on and maybe candles and I would ask him about his day. I would be looking a bit more gorgeous than usual with brushed hair, maybe a little lip gloss, and having recently changed out of the tracksuit I'd been wearing all day into something he'd complimented me on once before. Maybe I would go all out and spray a bit of perfume. For dinner we would have one of those easy dinners that are yum, for us it would be frozen fish and chips, we both like that dinner, then we could spend more time with each other instead of over the stove and washing up. I would see what he felt like doing, maybe a massage, maybe looking through a photo album of a holiday we had when we were really happy and in love, maybe watching a dvd where I would actually sit close to him and hold his hand. We are crazy cookies who like to turn some music up and sing like no one is listening. I would thank him for working so hard for us and tell him that I'm so glad we're together. I would refrain from picking on him for whatever reason and just leave it to the next day, reminding myself that this particular night's aim is to make him feel good. I would try to not talk too much about depressing topics like money and make lighter conversation (even if I had to plan a few things to say in advance). Another thing I would do is take some time out for myself earlier in the day so that when he comes home, I am relaxed and feeling good and in a good mood. For me it might be a long bath or some chocolate with the junk mail or whatever. I would also pray for God's help to make it a great night.

I'm sure you'll do a fantastic job of whatever you decide on, Channy. Don't worry if some things don't seem like they'll work out - he won't know that you were planning them. Just go with the flow on the night and try to stay in a positive mood.

He's blessed to have a lady who cares about him so much and wants to make him feel loved. I'm sure he will be able to see how much you appreciate him.

Good on you!

Here's to better times.

[TwoBlue]

Another thing I would do is take some time out for myself earlier in the day so that when he comes home, I am relaxed and feeling good and in a good mood. For me it might be a long bath or some chocolate with the junk mail or whatever.

Oh rainbow what a great idea..... but one things for sure.... you DEFINANTLY dont have kids yet :p

[carls]

My man came home from work (at the end of a 70 hour week and no thanks), all grumpy and tired. He got into bed at 5pm and I took him in some pepperoni pizza and garlic bread. Then he wanted juice so I went out and bought him some juice and a dvd (Birth with Nicole Kidman - IMO the worst movie shes ever done by the way), then have him a back and foot rub, and topped it off with an ice cream and a little bit of lovin'.

So I pretty muched covered all his favourites, but in a nutshell, his favourite dinner followed by sex will generally work. Men are so shallow! :p

[pregasaurus]

My husband and I have been together for nearly 8 years now, and these are the little things either he has done or I have done that left an impact.

We hacked into each others mobile phones, so that when we turn it on his says "Pip loves Andrew" and mine says "Hi! I love you!". Either of us occaisionally send emails to the other one at work. Sometimes all it says is "xxx ;-)" or can be "can you pick up milk on the way home, the cat needs to go to the vet. P.S. I love you more than anyone in the world."

We have over 30 rose bushes in our garden that we both adore. Every year for the past 8 years it's been a race to see who can pick the first rose of the year and leave it on the other persons pillow.

About once a month when I do the food shopping I'll buy him a white chocolate Freddo frog (costs $1), because he is crazy about white chocolate. I leave the shopping for him to unpack so he finds it.

When he does the dishes I go up behind him, slip my hands under his shirt and lightly scratch his back with my nails. He loves it!

If you have access to a CD burner, burn him a CD of all his favourite songs. We have very different taste in music, so the fact I know his favourite Soundgarden songs lets him know that I listen when he talks.

I bought a cheap frame and put in photos of me and the kids for him to take to work, which sits on his desk. It just reminds him that we don't disappear when he leaves the house!

Buy a nice card. They're only about $4, and sometimes they can say the words in a much better way that you can, especially if you're not particularly poetic. Once I bought him one that just had a big sparkly heart on the front and all I wrote on the inside was "always...."

I try and make him a coffee when he gets home. I only manage it about 3 times a week, but I try to make the effort.

"incedental" touching. As you pass eachother in the kitchen, brush your hand down his arm, when driving touch his hair, put your hand on his back while waiting to cross the lights. Basically just try and find any excuse to be in physical contact that is non sexual.

MY NUMBER ONE TIP:
NEVER under estimate the word 'thankyou'. We got to a rough patch when our first was 6 months old as well, both of us feeling under appreciated. We made a pact to always thank eachother for whatever the other person did, even if you expect them to do it. Thanks for a beautiful dinner, bathing the kids, giving me some time out, doing the dishes, making me a coffee, putting the kids to bed, vacuuming, feeding the cats, cleaning the stove etc, basically anything. Imagine doing something you do every day (like the dishes) and someone coming up and GENUINELY saying "hey, thanks so much for doing that". You'd feel great! Now, not only do we realise that other person NOTICES what we've done, but bothers to THANK us for it as well. It's a very powerful tool.

Good luck! :)

[Moorish]

WOW!!

Can I just say that Pregasaurus, something you just wrote hit me like a tonne of bricks & has reduce me to a blubbering mess.


We got to a rough patch when our first was 6 months old as well, both of us feeling under appreciated

Hubby and I have a relatively good relationship, we know we love each other dearly & that we both have the same love, dreams & desires for our kids to be happy & healthy. BUT! Just those two words "UNDER APPRECIATED" is exactly where we're at right now. We both rely on each other to keep the house running, which usually has a basic, boring routine every day that holds little or no time for quality time with each other. I take for granted that he takes out the smelly rubbish & gets the kids ready for bed & he takes for granted that I take care of the general household domestics & that I've cooked about 95% of all meals from the day we married even though he promised this would be a 50/50.

How did we get from husband/wife, friends, lovers, to just mum & dad? There are some great tips you've provided that I might put into practice (my hubby likes the nails on the back too!) If anyone else has any suggestions or has found themselves in this position, how have you dealt with it to better your relationship & get back on track again?

[Moorish]

Oh BTW, One more thing for Channy.
As part of my Fathers Day present to hubby, I made a photo slide show on NERO program on my computer & put it on a DVD for hubby. It simply faded in and out with photos of our girls from the time they were born til now & included lots of photos of them with their daddy. I chose two pieces of music to attach to the project ("Daughters" by John Mayer & "Little Ray of Sunshine" Axiom) and it was just like a professional dvd but of our family. The only thing it cost me was a dvd to burn it to (about 80c) and my time (I did it over about 2-3 weeks during the kids nap times). He was so stunned that he cried & had watched it 3 times before we left the house that day! He's so proud of it that he's burned a copy for his parents & showed everyone at his work as he's so proud of his girls!

If anyone wants to know how to do this, send me a msg or msn & I'll help - it's so easy & the best gift my hubby has ever received (his words!)

[Miaow]

I was just cleaning up my HD a bit and found this file which I thought would suit this post so I uploaded it onto my ISP for people to check out if they want - completely forgot had this when this post was originally done. Some of the ideas seem to be more for men to do for women but I'm sure they could be changed around to suit?

Its a PDF file of 101 Romantic Ideas that i downloaded ages ago (you'll need Acrobat Reader installed) - theres some good ideas in there its about 427kb so not too big :)

http://www.hotkey.net.au/~cathyn/101_Romantic_Ideas.pdf

[Chickadee]

**Bump**

There seem to be quite a few threads in the last few months about relationships coming apart and how to tell when it's over. DH and I still go through rough times and need to continually work at telling and showing each other our love, and also our respect and appreciation for each other. So I thought I'd revive this wonderful thread for anyone in search of ideas like me.

On saturday I bought a card for DH, for no special reason, and wrote in it that I loved him and need to tell him more often. I left it in his backpack to discover on his own. A few hours later I noticed he'd found it and read it, but he hadn't said anything to me. He went out that afternoon to do some shopping for himself, and brought me back a little present. Still no word about the card, but I know the present was his way of returning the thought. :) Sometimes it only takes a little effort to start making a difference.

[ThomasMum]

**Bump**
Still no word about the card, but I know the present was his way of returning the thought. :).

Aww Martha, thats so sweet of him, wonderful even!! :thumbsup:

[baby]

My fiance and I have been having a rough time as well over the last 4 months or so basically since i found out i was pregnant, probably my fault more often then not cause of mood swings. In saying that we do still set time aside and have special nights together at least once a week (these include take away or a nice home cooked meal that we have both helped with and watch tv or ........... play the playstation or xbox (yes i know) and then have an early night).

But even when we do have a really bad night and we fight and fight and fight we still make sure that we say "i love you" when we each go to bed (never at the same time) and give each other a kiss. we both just hate going to bed with out letting the other know that even thought we fight and argue and disagree and say mean things doesnt mean that there is any love lost and 99% of the time the next morning i wake up to find his arms wrapped around me.

We just cant go to bed being angry with each other.

we dont really get the chance to spend alot of time together due to his football and work commitments so when we are together we try hard to make the most of it but sometimes we just cant help but get under each others nose.

I dont know if it will be the same after little one is born or not but we will just have to wait and see.

also i love the idea of leaving little notes all over the house only bad thing is he always has his mate from work come home with him and i dont want his mate seeing the notes aswell, i might just have to tell his mate to bugger off one day hehe

[SweetSerenity]

Hi There

I know you've had HEAPS of replies but i just wanted to share with you what i do to make my DH feel appreciated:

I always write notes for him late at night (he goes to bed before me) and then he has that to wake up to every morning...:)

I'll send him a text out of the blue, a real mushy one!

I know this is only for girls, but why not buy him flowers??? Something different!

I also buy my hubby lovey dovey cards and write beautiful messages in them.


These are just some of the things i do :)

[KiLLaKaZ]

when my husband & i were still together we used to use the fridge as a whiteboard. a couple of times he drew pictures for me & wrote "i love you". i can't draw, so i'd just write him a note back...

we still use the fridge as a whiteboard, but it's become a 'message centre' because we're never home at the same time now...