Dad in distress

[loveshisprincess]

I could really use some help.

I am new here so please forgive me if i use/dont understand some abbreviations.

My wife has always classed herself as above/out of my league. Which i have always thought was not the case. She is beautiful and has just gone through a large weight lose in the last 6 months.

In the past will agree i have been somewhat of a lazy person and she has had to put up with a lot dealing with me. I am not perfect and have never claimed to be. I also used to play games ALOT, pretty much only FFXI (Final fantasy 11 online).

Ok so that is a little of the background. Now to the issue.

For quite a while now, i would say since maybe DW got pregnant i have been getting belittled, told im useless, told im lazy, sworn at, called names, you name it i get it.

I could understand and tolerate this during the pregnancy as i was not the best husband in the world, i will never claim to be. I also know that what i have done in the past is obviously the cause of what happens now.

During the pregnancy i was still playing the game but would take time out every night to give DW a nice foot massage, back rub, whatever she asked for. We still did plenty together but while she was watching tv i was beside her playing (I didn't see a problem with this).

Since DD was born i have quit playing, i try help around the house as much as possible, i help with DD as much as possible, during my holidays i have taken the monitor and pretty much all looked after DD the entire time but ever since DW lost this weight she has been putting me down more than ever. This includes in front of her family. I have respect for all of her family ad she knows that i would retaliate in front of them.

For the last month or two i have had the feeling (based on her words) that she would rather not be with me and that she would rather be single without a child.

Last night she had a go at me because i was talking to her brother and thought that she would take DD to bed. I snapped when she started having a go at me in front of them this time. This has caused a huge fight.

To top this off she has in the last month started hanging out with her cousin who her entire family think is a bad influence on her. (40 single, "party girl")

I dont know what to do and am looking for advice.

I can not talk to her about my problems because ever time i raise anything she just starts with the name calling and bringing up the past. I am trying to change but she seems to think that everything should change over night.

It has gotten to the stage with my family not being very supportive other than my sister and younger brother, work getting on top of me and my time at home were i feel that i am going into depression.

I am having trouble sleeping, always feel like i have no energy, and other than the time i spend with my beautiful DD feel like crap.

DD is trying to play with my laptop now so i will end this here.

Any advise would be great.

Thank you and sorry its so long

[loveshisprincess]

i forgot to add that on a regular basis i am told by DW how we will get divorced and good luck seeing your daughter. This is the most important factor to me as if i lost my daughter my whole world would crash. She is the reason i get up in the morning and the only thing that keeps me smiling during the day.

[Luna Lovegood]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

What your wife is doing is emotionally abusive. While no one is perfect, there is no reason to swear, and belittle another.

Does she know how she make you feel? Would she attend relationship counselling?

[Uniquey]

Hi there, I am sorry to read your post and I do hope someone will be able to offer you some sound advice. Just a thought, were you only wanting fellow 'Dads' /men to answer? If so, you're obviously in the right section, but I thought if you were open to hearing thoughts/advice from some of the women here you may want to post it in the 'general' section too?

Of course, it's entirely up to you, however I felt for you when I read the post and saw you had no replies yet.

All the best. :hugs:

[Oblena]

I am also sorry to hear what your wie is doing but will wait to hear if you want women's opinions or just men's as this is in the dad's chat. Hope this bumps it up for you and some of the men see it.

[peekaboomummy]

I am also sorry to hear what your wie is doing but will wait to hear if you want women's opinions or just men's as this is in the dad's chat. Hope this bumps it up for you and some of the men see it.

^ this :hugs: :hugs:

[loveshisprincess]

anyone that can offer advice would be greatly appreciated. I have noticed that ladies view this section as well and i am 100% ok with female advice/comments.

RB it is hard to get anything across to DW because as soon as i mention how i am feling i get the how do you think i feel i have gone through this and that.

She sees i am depressed but i feel she thinks she is worse off and that gives her the right to speak to me the way she does.

[Azurial]

Well firstly I think you need to stop feeling like she is 'better' than you. No one is better than anyone else. We are just different. If you believe this 'she married below her standing' rubbish then you will come across as insecure and women want their men to be confident, but not arrogant. Your wife obviously is feeling pretty good about herself for loosing the weight, its a shame she cant see that to be truly beautiful you have to be beautiful on the inside. She has turned her confidence into arrogance and in my opinion the only way to beat that is with confidence in yourself. No body is perfect, so I think you need to give yourself a little more credit and she needs to stop thinking she is all that now. Only advice I can give is, if you truly love her then just sit by in a quietly confident manner and wait untill she realizes that just because she doesnt have a fat bum anymore doesnt mean she can disrespect people. Let her have her little tanties, dont buy into it. Do what is right by you and your dd and hope that she comes to her senses. Or leave her for a bit and shock her into reality.

Good luc with it all. :hugs:

[Sparklydreamer]

:hugs: do you think she would go to counselling with you? Its sounds like you're both in a fair bit of pain. If she thinks you're depressed but she's worse, then do you think you both have depression perhaps?

I'd talk to your GP about treatment for depression and ask your wife to go to counselling with you - to help you both become happier and understand each other.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. :hugs:

[GluttonForPunishment]

Hey mate. She is bullying you because she feels she can. Do not let her hold your daughter to ransom. You can and will get 50% custody if she pushes the point, so tell her to stick it!

Don't tolerate her cr@p mate. Stand up to her!


You'll have to excuse the iPhone auto correct. It sax!

[Lib77]

Call her on it!!! Just say straight out 'we have a problem with our relationship and do you want to fix it??' then suggest the counseling. She needs to admit there is a problem with the relationship and not just with you.


Mother of two teens ttc #3

[equinemagic]

Hi there, sorry to hear all this! Couple of questions, is she going out alot partying? Have u tried writing down how u feel or sharing some ideas of improving the relationship? Some times written word helps as theirs no body language etc etc just pure fact and feeling? Work out some things that would make u feel happier and suggest them, perhaps one at a time and not during a bad moment, perhaps when it's peaceful n an add break lol
Like 'hey Hun I was wondering....' that way ur showing u care and want to fix it and ur prepared to try things, that alone should trigger a softer side
You could find a hobby to do and perhaps it could involve Ur child (how old) my partner just started golf and now we both have something of our own it's helped us.. This might help u have something else to look forward too! And when she goes off DON'T BITE BACK, I'm a loud fighter/lover by nature and thebest thing to defuse me is no retaliation, then I when I stop I reflect and feelbad, I appologise and do my best to not again, my husband worked this out and now it very vert rare! (stems from a past volatile relationship where I was the victim) and when she is done write down that the words hurt and u feel belittled, u wish it could stop etc something short so when she is calm she will read it and feel bad then she may think about her actions! Nothing is worth belittling someone but if u get a hobby and a t busy and important etc it will help! She wont put u down as much if ur not acting weaker and like a door mat! So take charge of ur time make the most of it and keep busy have fun with ur daughter and of she acts like a ***** and a princess it's her loss,

[equinemagic]

Sorry horrid grammar and spelling trying to use the tiny touch pad lol
Counciling is a great idea if u think she would go for it! But imposed urself too and when I mentioned golf it obviously could be anything, I have horses he has golf, my daughter rides with me etc. Do u have a time each week for just u 2? Also S E X is a HUGE factor at fixing relationships! Do whatever u can to ramp that up n spice up and that WILL help too! U don't need to share lol but wanted to make sure I mentioned it! It keeps passion alive and passion helps heal!!

[TheSudgestionator]

Wow I have so many questions.

What exactly has your wife done to suggest she thinks she is 'out of your league'? She did marry you after all so she must love & cherish you somewhat?

You also said that in the past you have been 'lazy and she has had to put up with a lot', I would be suprised if a wife didn't feel comfortble pulling her husband up on this.

While I don't think name calling&belittling are healthy ways for adults to communicate, i myself have resorted to such displays when i am not being heard/spoken over the top of/or am at my wits end trying to get my point across. It doesnt excuse name calling and swearing but these acts are displays/emotional outburst are not uncommon in people who struggle to express their feelings.

You also said you understand 'what i have done in the past is obviously the cause of what happens now', so you must (to some extent) understand her hostility towards you? Why is she being so hostile?

What does she say to put you down infront of her family?
Do you think her weightloss has caused her to be a b!t(h? Or is it possible she has lost weight because she is so unhappy?

If you want to fix the relationship, I'd be asking her why she's so unhappy. What have you done to contribute (if anything) & what does she expect you to do now. Ask her why she puts you down and why she thinks it's okay to call you names etc.

I dont know what to do and am looking for advice.

You say everytime you speak to her she starts 'bringing up the past'. What has happened in the past?

I am not suprised you are feeling depressed and out of energy living in such a hostile environment. You need to ask her what the problem is and let her know you are not happy either and you want to fix it.

[Shackles]

Has she been out a lot more than usual? Has she found a new bunch of friends, or going out a lot more these days? I am only speaking from experience - my best friend lost a lot of weight then started going out a lot more and spending more and more time at the gym. She would speak nastily to her husband - and it was like she wanted him to be the one to say 'lets call it quits' because she didnt want to be the one to end it. I say - if you love her - start fighting for her in every way you can. Tell her how much you love her and how her behaviour is really unacceptable and what kind of example is she setting for your child? Even try exercising with her as much as you can and tell her how great she is looking now that she has lost weight. Put the pants back on for your relationship and take charge!! Find things that you can enjoy doing together. Sending lots of positive vibes your way that you are able to get happy again. Oh, and yes definitely go to counselling - even if its not together to start off with. Go by yourself so you are positive if what you want. Hugs!!!

[loveshisprincess]

I would firstly like to thank everybody for taking the time to reply and offer advice.

There are a lot of great ideas in here. I will respond to as much as i can.

Equinemagic - Thank yo i will try the dont bite back method this seems like something i can do.

Shackles - she has not started going out yet but is planning on it. (with the cousin mentioned). She does spend everyday usually about 4-5 hours talking to this cousin. I cant say anything about it yet really but we will see were that goes. I get the same feeling of her wanting me to be the one that says lets call it quits because i have the most to lose.

Thesugestionator - I have not and still dont think she is 'out of my league'. By in the past im talking about playing games and being lazy. Im not the best now but i am a damn site better with working and have quit the games that took all my time. To put me down in front of her family she just treats me like crap. I noticed in OP i made a mistake it was ment to say she knows i wouldn't retaliate in front of them.

I dont know how to see more of the replies so im going to go off what i can remember

Golf -omg i love it. However i dont get to play because we have recently built and all our money is being pumped into that right now.

And this is the big one. Someone mentioned how i know she thinks she is out of my league. She has told me this. All the time i am told by her everyone says why is she with me and that im lucky to have her. She is on this site so i feel i have to tread carefully and this is why i am sort of being very vague.

I love her with all my heart but i cant take the put downs. I want to do everything in my powers before turning to counseling.

[something]

So she was prepared to "settle for less" when she was overweight. Now she's lost the weight she thinks she can "do better" than you. Sounds like a classic case of "Post Weightloss Syndrome".

She treats you like ****, doesn't even appear to LIKE you much less love you. But ask yourself.. if you are so damned awful, why doesn't she just break up with you? The answer is because you serve SOME purpose (usually paying the bills) and she hasn't found anyone else yet to replace you yet.

I'm sorry to be harsh but she is a user of the worst kind. I would not put up with that kind of treatment, and neither should you. Stand up for yourself! Get her to commit to your relationship and its repair, or get the hell out of there.

Good luck.

[FloatingFairy]

:hugs:

Want to write more but am finishing up at work so will respond more later.

[Jurty]

Oh. I'm so sorry, this is a horrible situation.


You have acknowledged that playing the games was not constructive to the relationship, and not only that, you have stopped! Well done.

I'm sorry to hurt you, but is it possible that she is with you because she feels better about herself by comparison?
Did she have self-esteem issues when you first met?
Perhaps she has confused the way you make her feel about herself with feelings of love?? If there is a chance this is the case, then things will only get worse if it's not addressed.


Sorry to be cruel, but this was my first thought.

This constant belittling is verbal abuse and you deserve better. Counselling for her and you, together and alone would be beneficial I'd say.
.....If she'll go.

I really hope everything works out for you.

[kb90]

I know I may be young, not married, but I have been through a sort of similar situation I was with my ex for 4 years, by the time i got bored of him and knew i no longer wanted to be with him, everything was a fight, i got into depression and always crying i admit i was blaming him for a lot and I knew i loved him but was not in love with him and what scared me to leave him was we had a house and my dog (not a child but my life dream come tru owning a malamute) and it was so hard for me to leave, although i did not say he was out of my league because i chose to be with him, i wanted out. seems to me she is "bored" of the situation she is in and feels the need to bully you but maybe feels she cant escape because you now have a child.
I really dont know what else to say because this is the last option anyone wants because of fights, money etc but i feel for your sakes you need to get away from her. for her to use ur daughter as blackmale is not fair either because you have realise what you have done to be wrong and changed but she is in a state of mind where it seems she will never get out of and uses her power against you because you wont stand up to her, trying to do the right thing by her. it sucks but i feel very sorry for you haveing to deal with that. my parents even have a loveless marriage and my dad blames my mum for everything, and she stays. because it is so hard to leave. but i made the decision to leave and now ive never been so happy in my life. a bub on the way when im 21 wiht my 20 (soon to be 21) partner and so happy to spend my future with him.
early on in the pregnancy i went crazy like you wouldnt believe but because of how he was taking the whole situation, because he thought keeping the baby was the worst idea ever for our money situation and future and killed me and nothin i would say would change how he was. it wassnt until he saw the first scan and saw the baby that he changed but never looked back. i changed my attitude and since have never had a fight.
she hasnt realised you have changed so i doubt she even will acknowledge that

sorry for rambling, but good luck :hugs:

[equinemagic]

Twilight golf is $14.. if u are keen look around for good deals, this will help you feel better about urself and lift ur spirits, I like bits of what everyone says, and yes my relationship which was similar didnt last and my daughter to him is 6yre, i actually did love him just wasnt in love or satisfied so i was always angry! try rekindle the passion as thats the only saviour i can see cos i couldnt and its a downward spiral that took 4 yrs to end for me and now i know this i learnt many lessons and found someone who is just right for me.. split family is hard VERY hard but better then living depressed for all of you and your child.. but i think there are many things u can try first! i wanted to do counciling he didnt, dont think it would of helped us anyway!
We are now very civil and i made an effort from first day of split to not fight over her etc and think of her etc..
Im told i wear the pants in my marriage but we have respect for each other and he can still very easily put me back in my box lol its good for us both, he needs a leader and i need a fair kick up the backside at times BALANCE is the key to a happy partnership.
good luck

[loveshisprincess]

thank you everyone for the great advice. I have talked to DW about counseling and we are looking into it now. I will keep everyone informed about how it goes.

Again thank you everyone for your time and patience.

[delirium]

What stood out to me reading your OP was that she still harbors a huge amount of resentment from the past and losing the weight has given her the confidence to possibly end the relationship.

I do want to make it clear I'm not condoning what she is doing and she is emotionally abusing you. She either needs to make a decision she wants to move past the resentment thru counselling, or leave. Belittling you in front of her family is nasty and uncalled for. I'm just really making an observation from your post.

Sometimes when people lose a lot of weight, it's a wonderful thing for them both physically and emotionally. But I have known a few where it goes to their head and they become shallow and nasty. I remember seeing a show (maybe dr phil?) where a guy had a wife go on the Swan (a show where they give women loads of plastic surgery then put them in this pagent type thing). He was also overwight and said after the show she completely changed, said he was revolting and didn't deserve a woman as beautiful as her. They divorced. So weight loss can sometimes change people for the worse.

I think you need to acknowledge you weren't a good husband in the past, but that you have made an effort of late and that you don't deserved to be demeaned.

[Lovemyfam]

:hugs: hope things are getting better

[Jay87]

I saw this and I know how you somewhat feel with what happened in your past since it was the all doing falling apart with me and an ex however we never had children or in a marriage so I can see its much harder then what I experienced.

But I admire at you kicking the video game addiction. I don't know how much you played Final Fantasy but I was absorbed into World of Warcraft for two years soild and it was my second job. Ive been over a year clear and it's just as hard to quit when you commit yourself to guilds and so fourth.

I hope councilling goes well for you and she can see that the changes you've made to better yourself are huge. GL



Sent from my iPhone using Bub Hub app

[Lucy in the Sky]

Just a woman's perspective:
DO NOT GO OUT AND PLAY GOLF!
I guarantee she is still harbouring resentment about how much time you used to spend on the computer. Golf is such a long game and you have a kid now that you need to be home for - if you take up golf, it will be seen as a repeat of the past, for sure. By all means get out of the house and give yourself a break and some timeout when you need it, but do it after you've helped put your DD to bed, or if on the weekends, only for a couple of hours and not regularly!
Your DW is treating you badly and I'm very sorry she is hurting you, but I get the feeling you might have been a pretty slack DH in the past and although you feel you have changed completely, this might not have filtered through to her yet.

And as for the weightloss, I sincerely hope it hasn't turned her into a shallow b8tch. Presuming (:fingerscrossed:) it hasn't, if she was overweight in the past, she probably has massive self-esteem issues that she has to get over. I'm guessing she now needs to feel on the inside as beautiful as she she is on the outside, so make sure you are the one to make her feel beautiful or she will seek it out elsewhere. She probably has spent years craving that feeling and now she has the opportunity to feel it, I'm guessing she's going to be looking for it! Doesn't justify the way she has been treating you at all, but if it were me in the situation, that is what I'd be looking for.

I am really glad you are going to get counselling! I hope it helps you both. Good luck.

[Lovemyfam]

:eek: why does it seem that men cant enjoy themselves once they have kids? Do not give up video games all together, if you want to golf go golf you have a right to enjoy the things you use to before wife and kids, and if not then that is not a healthy relationship. If she enjoyed bubble baths before you met and laying in a nice hot bubble bath for an hour a day would you make her stop that? of course not so why would you have to stop the things you enjoy all together? My hubby plays games and now he doesnt play as much as he use to (by his choice) he still enjoys them when he has time and wants to play I think it is crazy to ask a person not to do something they like because they have a kid, so long as the kid is getting the attention and care they need.

[Lib77]

I would say find some balance. If you do take up any hobby set aside a regular time for it so it's not a surprise or last minute dash from the house. Also make sure you let your partner have the same opportunity to get some her time to. That way you can both work it around bubs routine and both have recharge time to yourself. If you wife/partner decides to spend that time at home that's ok just make sure your the one tending to bub so she has her unwind time too.


Mother of two teens ttc #3

[Kiplusthree]

I would say find some balance. If you do take up any hobby set aside a regular time for it so it's not a surprise or last minute dash from the house. Also make sure you let your partner have the same opportunity to get some her time to. That way you can both work it around bubs routine and both have recharge time to yourself. If you wife/partner decides to spend that time at home that's ok just make sure your the one tending to bub so she has her unwind time too.


Mother of two teens ttc #3

^^ This.. both DO NOT GOLF! and GOLF, YOU DESERVE IT! Is extreem, lol

If you want a hobby fine, if its golf fine, just make sure you arenot hogging ALL the free time. Encourage her to get out maybe once a week too and share that "hobby time" also dont ever put it before free time together, you both need that too :)

I'm not going to put any hugely sided advice here as a post on bub hub just isnt enough to know the full story for either you or her..

But in hopes for your daughter I would say that this needs to be seen as partly both victims, and partly both responsible, and only as a team to be fixed! Worth fixing (because your daughter loves you both and staying togehter means you love each other too)

Relationships are so so tough.. It's never ending negotiation, happiness and saddness, hurt, and attack, compromise and working as hard as you both can against your impulsive feelings (of anger or reaction)

If you came together for a decent reason, love each other and can both be mature enough to do whatever it takes to get back there again then you will be ok.. Best of luck! I really hope you can both pinpoint what each of you do that upsets the other, realise it yourselves, work on it, and get further towards healthy happy loving behaviour and ensurance of a future family picture :hugs:

[Benji]

I see this is a couple of months old so I hope it is sorted out now. Personally, my DP is on the computer right now. It doesn't bother me at all, but he does take a lot of time out for myself and DS and does his fair share around the house. I don't think it's fair that someone changes for the better but you are still being punished for it.

Please din't pkay games with her like some PPs have mentioned, threatening to take joint custody and leaving to play golf while you're struggling financially - that will help NOBODY!!

To me, it really sounds like she's already checked out of the relationship :( I'm really sorry to say that but it's exacyly how I felt with my ex, I kept telling him I didn't want to be in the relationship but he wouldn't take no for an answer so, of course, I became hostile and upset and could barely look at him without feeling such hate.

Let her go. Tell her if she wants to leave she has your blessing and you want to raise your baby together but let her have her freedom. Some relationships just can't be saved and there is no point in being miserable together when you could both be much happier apart.

If you both do want to salvage the relationship, I don't know how you will do it without outside help.

:hugs::hugs:

[kirra]

Hey ya,

I hope things are working for the best for everyone :)

Everyone has given you plenty of great advice but there is one thing that sticks out to me. The fact that you started trying hard to change yourself when bubs was born. This is wonderful and good on you for doing so but your wife may be jealous or put out that you can do this for your DD but not for her. She could be wondering why she wasn't important enough for you to change for, this could even be the reason why she started to lose the weight and kinda explains her attitude towards you. Sounds silly but I can almost relate.

Congrats on changing and I hope things are becoming happier in your household

[dadad]

I'd suggest you leave her. You don't want your kids growing up with that as a role model and it's no good for you either. Hard call but seriously is anything short of this going to resolve the situation?

[jakesmom]

Hi,

I have read your post and have to admit some of the things ie SOME I have done too to my husband so if you were in similiar situation that I was I can see where she is coming from. She sounds very angry..therefore lashing out trying to make you feel crap, thats just how she deals with the anger. Were you addicted to games like my husband was? I mean when you have a 2 year old and a newborn you need help, my husband (42 yrs old) was playing games for hours staying up till early hrs of morning therefore couldn't wake up at all hrs of the night to help out so I was very very tired and angry, threatening to divorce as well. So I beleive there are 2 sides of the story, even though you say you have quit its may be hard to get over the hurt. I was very close to smashing the monitor and throwing out the computer out the window so your wife sounds calmer than me :) My husband has quit the games also now (still plays now and then which is fine) and things are much better...so not sure if this was a computer game addiction..husband would say im exagerating but i don't think I did at all. Guys on here may think I'm physcho but they should try getting 3-4 hrs sleep every night and see what mood they get in. Good luck