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I'm not new to severe depression and anxiety. I've suffered since I could remember, it's a long story but my childhood wasn't great to put it bluntly. But I think I'm experiencing pre natal depression.
I guess I've always associated sadness with pregnancy, there are days I love my belly bump. But other days I just feel like I don't deserve being pregnant. I've had 4 miscarriages one of those at 18 weeks. I just got over that week and since I've been feeling like I'm waiting to just miscarry and not wanting it to happen just like expecting it and it's making me hard to bond some days, but then I'm in awe of this wonder and feel ok.
It's an on and off feeling maybe it's just my general depression oozing back. I guess I just need to talk to others about this feeling, I have no idea if I'm alone in this. But I don't feel angry or sad just waiting for that bad thing to happen, like it always does.
I just wanted to point out this pregnancy was planned, it's loved and wanted but this feeling it's just something I feel and I don't want to lose this baby.
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Hi Jay GBH darl, I couldn't read and not reply.
I think what you are experiencing is not without justification, you've been through so much with your m/c's and being on bed rest can do your head in too!
Even though I haven't lost a child at that gestation, I did lose two early pregnancies before DD and when I fell pregnant with DD those first 14 weeks were the hardest.
I just want to encourage you and say that worrying about your little bub is totally normal and it means you're a good mummy already! I hate to tell you that even once they are born you still worry! DD is 2 and I worry about her all the time! I'm sure I will have that feeling for the rest of my life, because I love her dearly, as you love your little bub.
If you need to, please approach your doctor/ob about the possibility of depression so that they can help you through it.
Lots of love and hugs,
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Hi there, Jay87.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing certain symptoms of AND. I would urge you to talk to your GP and get some help now; the sooner your mental health needs are addressed, the better the outcome is likely to be, and treatment and support now is more likely to prevent you from developing PND.
I can really recommend contacting PANDA. (Post and Antenatal Depression Association - Call 1300 726 306) PANDA's telephone information, support and referral service is staffed by trained volunteers, professional counsellors and supervising staff. Most of these volunteers on the helpline have experienced perinatal depression and anxiety. PANDA also has a large database with a lots of information about perinatal support services in the community. I really recommend that you give them a call and ask what exists in your area.
I would also really like to invite you to the private PND/AND discussion area. It is a really supportive space full of intelligent, funny, understanding and supportive bubhubbers who have experiences with PND and/or AND. We agree that talking privately with others in a similar situation has been really therapeutic and positive for us, and I would love to see you in there, for some extra support. If you are interested, I'll send you a PM with the password.
Here is the link to the area: http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/forumdisplay.php?773-Private-discussion-areas
I want to finish by sharing my personal experience with AND.
I had a wonderful pregnancy and birth with my firstborn, but got severe PND straight after she was born, and am pretty much a textbook example of a PND sufferer. I considered myself recovered around five months later (due to early intervention) and weaned myself off the antidepressants that I was on.
Then, 8 months after my DD was born, I found out that I was pregnant again. By then my DP and I were going through a really rough time (and we still are), as well as having little family support, financial stress, etc. So the though of bringing another child into this world (especially considering how unwell I was with my DD), made me extremely depressed and anxious, to the point where I was fantasisising about both my unborn child and myself dying during labour, etc. I am so sorry if I offend or distress anyone by writing this; I want to stress that this was my illness speaking. That is how powerful this illness can be.
I never felt any joy during the pregnancy; I wanted to punch everyone who kept "gooing and gaahing" over my pregnancy, and telling me "how happy I must feel". I regretted going through with the pregnancy, and I was well aware of how unwell I was at this point. I did not go back on ADs during my pregnancy, which I truly regret now. If I did, I might have been able to feel more level headed and rational, and perhaps even enjoy the pregnancy. I don't know.
I got a lot of support from the hospital and family after my DS's birth (including an extended stay at the maternity ward), and started on Zoloft again 2 days after my DS was born. I actually felt better immediately after his birth, and am truly going so well! It is a whole different experience this time. I've got my bad days, but I recognise my love for my children, and also signs of negative emotions coming up; so that I am able to monitor them.
I am so surprised that things is going better this time around, and I hope that I can bring some hope for others.
Please look after yourself, Jay87. :hugs:
Thanks guys. I might talk to my councilor again a book a few sessions. :) I feels a little human to know I'm not alone with these feelings.
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How are you going, Jay87?
Would you like access to the Private PND/AND Discussion Area? I can promise you incredible support (And NO judgement!) from the amazing people in there!
I'm going better. I got some help and feel alot better now. I'm not on BH as much as I was so though I might take on that invitation so I can talk to others. Thanks. :)
MIM's right Jay87, come join us in the private support area, as nutty as we are, no-one ever feels alone.
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