Problems with maternal parents!

[jaydensmum]

I'm having a big problem at the moment with my parents. They have been funny with me for a long time and I didnt talk to my dad for 6 years under his roof. Then everything was all fine and happy. My mum came to my son's birth and she treated me and my partner with alot of respect. Then all of a sudden things changed for the worse. Two days after Jayden was born, in the hospital my mum decided she'd start a fight with my partner. It hurt so much that she could do that when it was supposed to be the time of my life. Everything settled down again and a couple of months later when Jayden got sick things started up again. Jayden had broncolitis and was in hospital for 4 days and they didnt even make the effort to come and see him. When we got out of hospital they expected me to take Jayden (who was still unwell) down to sydney to see them. Not just that they told me that my partner couldnt come down! :confused: I couldnt believe it, by this stage they had been saying things about my partner for ages and I had enough. I told them that they have to accept that he wasnt going anywhere and he was going to be my life partner. I also told them that I was not going down there until my partner can come with me. They then decided to write a nasty email to me which offended my partner and myself. I have asked them for an appology and they refuse. :mad:
It hurts me so much that they can cut me off from the family because I have made the decision to be with my partner. It also hurts me that they refuse to appologise for saying things that was not true and hurtful. They dont realise that they are missing out on my son growing up. He is now 6 months old and the last time that they saw him was when he was 4 months. They have only seen their grandson 4 times since he was born. All my life my parents have put me down as a failure and the black sheep of the family. Im so sick and tired of their c*#p why cant they love me for who I am. Why cant they love my partner and accept that he's part of the family and why do they have to abandon my son who has done nothing wrong. :(
Has anyone else got a family like mine? I would love to hear your story so I know that Im not the only one on earth with a stuffed up family.

jaydensmum. :(

[Miss_Vicki]

im not in your pos But just read this an SOO wanted to send u Cyber HUGS!!

[jaydensmum]

Thanks Jaz'smum. I just wish sometimes I would have that happy family you see on TV. I know no one's family is perfect and I know everyone has probs but why do i have to go through this all the time! :(

[Rainbowbrite]

I'm so sorry that your family are treating you like that. I can't really know how your feeling though we are having a problem with my dad and his wife. My mum's great, helps out when she can, calls everyday etc.

BUT my dad lives 20minutes away from me & never saw MJ till she was 8weeks old. THere was no reason other than they didn't have time???? Neither of them work :mad: As it is they've only seen MJ 4 times since she was born. They were always great when i was pregnant, but now its different. Always trying to tell me that my mum hates my husband - which is bull. They don't even seak to my mum so how they'd get this info is beyond me.

But anyway, I hope that your partners parents are more supportive. Big hugs from myself and MJ :)

RB

[Angelmist♥]

Naomi, first of all I really feel sorry for you that your parents are acting like this. I have been through this mess although not with my first son it was with my second. When we were growing up my younger sister was always the favourite (in Dad's eyes) and he never had any drama showing it.My brother and I would basically just get in his way. Anyway when I had our second son he basically just ignored the fact that he was even around tending to favour our oldest son much to my and hubby's disgust.To the point where he wouldn't even come up for his birthdays or anything (they live 3 hours away)and would only buy pressies for my oldest son.My father bags my husband every chance he gets (always behind his back) and it came to the point that I just didn't even want to speak to my father anymore.I was that upset and worried about it all the time only because of Mum because I knew that if I voided Dad, Mum would also miss out.Anyway I ended up sitting both of them down and telling them that Dylan (youngest) was telling me how Grandad doesn't love him only Grandma does and that Kurt(hubby) and I had been through some rough times but we have stuck together through them all.So if they(meaning Dad) wanted to be included in MY family he had better cut out the crap and treat firstly both boys as equals and treat my husband with some respect.

Wow sorry I rambled for a while there :rolleyes: Anyway it did get alot easier for me when I realised that this is my family(meaning hubby and kids) and as long as we are happy and healthy that's all that matters.It feels so terrible when parents act like this especially when they should be over the moon with the birth of their grandchild but really you just have to weigh up if it's worth your heartache or not trying to get them involved.

Anyway I send you heaps of hugs and best wishes
Love Nara 26

DH Kurt 28
ds Cody 5
ds Dylan 4
it's a girl woohoo edd 8/11/05

ps- they've always wanted a grand-daughter so I can see me going through all of this again!!

[Artemis]

Family stuff is so hard.. is sounds like a very tough situation for you.

Perhaps the only thing to do is to tell your family how you feel honestly, maybe in a letter so you can frame the words just the right way. Let them know what they are missing and that your family will be waiting until they are ready to accept you all.

I hope things improve.... ((((hugs))))

[jaydensmum]

Thanks. They know how i feel ive told them that they are hurting my partner and myself. They are the type of people that never thinks they are in the wrong and if you have an opinon then it makes you in the wrong. Not once in my life have i heard them say "im sorry" to anyone! It's so funny because when i was growing up they taught us kids to appologise if we are in the wrong! They are funny people and obviously they dont care if they had me or lost me. There was one time when i left home and when i decided to come back they didnt even consider me as their daughter. One of my sister's said that i was no longer her older sister that my other sister had taken the role. I cant understand them and i probably never will!

jaydensmum. :(

[j&k'smum]

My heart goes out to you. I understand where you are coming from, it hurts sooo much hey? I have battled for years and years to be accepted and loved by my parents. Sometimes I think they have finally "Got it" and then that is soon wiped away the next time we talk. I have constantly had a fear and anxiety of doing "right by them". Sometimes I think that I have become so self critical and judgmental and unsure of myself because it was drummed into my head that I was "not good enough". And still feel that way sometimes with them. Not so much my mum now, but my dad can still be very mean. It really crushes me . I feel like a little girl everytime he says something that makes me feel like crap about my life and what I am doing or not doing.
Like you, I have also tried to tell him how he makes me feel and it just goes in one ear out the other. How black and white do we have to make it???
My father didn't even send his first grandson a birthday card or ring (my brothers birthday is the same day, so its hard to forget!)He said he thought about him! Then after me telling him how that made me and more so my son feel, a month later he does exactly the same thing with his grand-daughter??? What tha?? When fathers day came around I tried soo hard not to ring him, so he would know how it feels but just couldn't do it. I had to! Yet he compains when he doesn't get a card from us kids or a phone call??? Very hypercritical.(?sp)
Sorry, this has really turned into a rant!!
You are right in saying that " I don't understand them and probably never will!"
Just as long as we aren't like that with our kids, thats all we have to worry about. They are the one's missing out hey.
Sometimes its hard to accept the reality, and that reality for us is that our parents aren't the parents we need them to be.
We can't change them. We can only be strong enough to stay true to ourselves and not let them take from us. Its easier said than done, for sure.
All the best to you with it... I really hope that things change for the better for you, and your parents wake up and smell the roses to how short and precious life is. :)

[jaydensmum]

Thanks everyone for replying to my post. It makes me feel better knowing that there is other people out there that are having similar prob's. The other night i went to check my emails and there was one from my Dad and i thought well that's strange since i havent talked to him in ages. It said that he has a computer that he is building for me (he build me the one im using now). I was shocked because he hasnt even said boo to me in the last couple of months and now he is building a computer! :confused: I have talked to other people and they recommend not to take it. What do you think i should do? Everyone's telling me not to take it because he hasnt appologised for the nasty things he has said. I dont know what to do at the moment. I know that they only do things for others if there is something in it for them. I really want them to appologise but i know that they wont. The other thing that i found so strange was he said at the end of the email, "thanks for all you've done for the kingdom". :eek: I burst out laughing because that is the most soppiest thing i have ever heard especially from my Dad! The most Dad has ever said to me is "thanks for stuffing up". :( What should i do, im so confused and i need some advice from you lovely girls.

jaydensmum.

[Angelmist♥]

Hmmmm, maybe that's his way of apologising??? I don't really know. My father has never apologised for a thing in his life but will come up and fix something on my car or offer to paint my house??What the?? :confused: Maybe it is a similiar thing for your dad.
Although I would prefer to get an apology, I think maybe sometimes it is difficult for them to actually acknowledge what they did/said was wrong.Trust me there has been a hell of alot that my father should be apologising for and it does annoy me that he ALWAYS seems to get away with it.
Really only you can decide if you want to accept his "olive branch" as they say.

Sorry I probably haven't been much help, just thought I would let you know my opinion.
All the best

[rynosmum]

I agree with Nara - it sounds like this is his way of apologising - as strange as it may be.

Good luck - I hope that this is a big positive step forward !

[SixtiesChild]

Hi Jaydensmum,

I speak with similar experiences from 20 years ago.
Unfortunately some parents have poor communication skills with their children and can appear rude and tactless even though they can't see clearly what they're saying.

I would try to separate the behavior from the person. What I mean by this is love your parents but don't love the bad behavior. It takes practise but I don't think they're going to change suddenly and you need to cope without letting them disrupt your life too much.
Do let them know calmly what you find unacceptable and why and then just move on. Don't be consumed by their words for the sake of your child and partner.

If you're dad has a computer to give to you, accept it graciously as it sounds like a nice gesture. By accepting it you are encouraging his good behavior-generosity.

[Jadesmum]

From my 'in law' experience, I'm weary of accepting what seems to be the 'olive branch' as it could be used down the track to excuse further bad behaviour (after everything i've done for you ........etc etc) Sorry to be pessamistic as I could very well be wrong. I just prefer the direct approach 'Dad, I appreciate you putting together a computer for me, but what I really need, or would really love is ...........'. Best of luck, I hope your relationship is repaired and it brings you all peace xx If you need to talk feel free to PM me

[jaydensmum]

That's exactly what both my partner and i are worried about. As i said before my parents never do anything for a favour, they always want something out of it. From my past experiences with my parents they always use what they have done against you. Im in a no win situation with my parents. If i accept the computer its saying that everythings ok and that they can do and say what they like. If i dont take the computer im going to offend them.

jaydensmum.

[Jadesmum]

Yeah, I really do understand the position your'e in . If you say no to the computer it will cause a big drama and you will be made to look like the one with the problem! And if you accept the computer it's sending the message that you can treat me/us how you want and get away with it. It's bloody hard isn't it. I'll just PM you if that's ok and tell you a little more xxxx

[SweetSerenity]

Hi Naomi,
We have had pretty much the smae problems as you, except it's coming from my partners mum, not my side.
Reading your story felt like i was reading a diary entry of mine!
Although it may not be exact circumstances, but the way your parents have acted is nearly exactly the same way my fiances mum has been acting.
I hadn't seen her since January this year, due to a HUGE blow out, until last Monday, we unexpectedly went over...was not happy! :mad:
I wrote what happened in the "HUGE MIL PROBLEM" if you want be filled in on that.
I can COMPLETELY sympathise with what you are going through!
Feel free to PM me or email me natalie_sabo@hotmail.com as it's great to talk to someone about it all who's in the same situation!
Take care of yourself, your partner and son :)
Natalie