Speechless...

[Numb]

I just found out that my husband has set up a secret email account and has placed an ad to meet other males for physical fun....

There is responses and he has replied to them....

Im shattered!

I don't know what i am going to do!

He just says it was a stupid curiosity thing.

I feel like i don't even know him.

[FloatingFairy]

:hugs:

Have you spoken to him about it?

[Aquillah]

Wow that would be very confronting and upsetting:hugs:

I don't have any good advice except take your time and look after yourself whilst you figure out how you want to deal with it.:hugs:

[Jakois]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Numb]

Yeah, he said he never acted on it, it was a stupid curiosity thing and that he regrets it and that because we don't have regular s e x (i have pnd = no libido) that this would be a way to quit bugging me for s e x and we could all be happy...

He says he's not g a y... just stupid.

[Stiflers Mom]

Yeah, he said he never acted on it, it was a stupid curiosity thing and that he regrets it and that because we don't have regular s e x (i have pnd = no libido) that this would be a way to quit bugging me for s e x and we could all be happy...

He says he's not g a y... just stupid.

Totally contradicting himself AND it's all your fault?!

He sounds like a prize. I know what I would do...

[Jurty]

Wow. That's intense. Maybe he honestly is just curious.

Sorry no advice just a big hug

[Numb]

It has been going on since august... thats what hurts the most, the amount of time and i wonder if he hadn't been caught if it would've still been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

[Numb]

I hope you are right Jurty!

[SimplyMum]

Wow. Big big hugs Numb. What a shock. :hugs:

I would wager that he is curious, and perhaps missing you (physically). :hugs:

[Buttoneska]

I'm sorry you are going through this - it sounds like you already having a tough time with things.

((GBH))

It is realyl complicated so I can't really give you an adequate response - there are so many things to consider etc, but I will tell you my thoughts when I read this

how sad it is for both of you
you both sound hurt and confused and like you have alot on your plate
i don't nec believe it when you DH dismisses his action - he sounds embarrased and also confused about his own desires.
i think pretending he didn't have any feelings/attraction/curiosity to this would be really dangerous for you both
i think he needs to talk to someone about how he feels
i think you need to talk to someone about how you feel
i don't think his behavour is a clear result/reaction to your pnd/low libido - i think that is a really sh1tty excuse and diversion - he needs to own it and not minimilise it.
he has gone to considerable effort to explore this - i just don't see how he can dismiss it so quickly and easly - like i said i think if you both ignore it could coem back and bite you in a$$
i think that good relationships are strong and can get through tough times, both ppls should be able to be honest and express their desires and if its something both ppl are comfortable with they should be able to fufil those desires.
i am sure that there are many ppl who s2xual realtionships outside the gneric definition of female + male partners. there is no shame or embarasment in your partner wanting to have s3xual relations with a man per say. the problem is in the lies, deception and not making it an open decision/discussion that you are both party to and decide together IF it work for BOTH of you.
i think he has alot ofwork to do on himself and to work out what he is interested in and why? and then between the two of you work out what is acceptable in your relationshp and what is not? if you both want different things then it won't work, if you can both agree to somehting that you are both comfortable with then it could work?
i have no idea what i would do in that situation. i would be hurt by the lies and decpetion. i would feel sick at the thought of it all. but beyond that i would also feel for my partner that they were very confused and probably afraid of their own feelings and possibly losing me. At the end of the day I love my DH and I would want to work with him incouncelling so we could BOTH be happy. If that meant him working through adn deciding he was gay and leaving, or he was bi and wanted to stay with me but have s3x with men etc etc. At least I know where he is at and I can then work out when I am at and what the future holds.

Just my thoughts xo

[elleandsam]

Huge hugs :hugs: :hugs: what a huge thing for you to deal with. You say you've got PND, are you seeing a counsellor? If you are I'd talk to him/her about this as well.

[Buttoneska]

oh and my other thing i thought was 'dont worry about anyone else outside of your relationship. like family, friends, society expetations. sure it probably not a common scenario that a happily married couple the man is interested in guys - BUT its about what works for you two ONLY. If you can both be honest and create a solution that works for both of you and is safe etc, there it is noone else's business.

I just think supressing your desires in life leads to depression and trouble for all invovled. Better to upfront and honest about how you feel and take it from there

[Sparklydreamer]

Omg, what a shock that must be. I'd be most upset at the deception and can totally understand you not feeling like you know him. You said he had replied to the messages - was he organising meetings? Because I'm not sure I'd believe the 'didn't act on it' depending on what was in those emails, especially since its been going on since August.

I'd be insisting on counselling. That's a tough thing to have to deal with.

Massive hugs. :hugs:

[hopefully2]

Numb- you must insist on marital counseling. This is a big issue. I am the product of a closet gay man and it is no good for anyone involved if it is not dealt with. If your husband was seeking out women would that sit easier with you? Can u continue in your marriage knowing he wants to experience sexual pleasure from men? Oh I feel for you. Please take time to work out what you think is tolerable. Also you need to work out if things can be fine again after knowing this. Oh dear. Good luck and massive hugs.


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[chocorama]

Have you slept with him since he bagan his communications via the site? If so, I would be going to the GP quick smart for a comprehensive STD test. Anyone should do that, if they discover or suspect their partner has had affairs, whether it be with male or female partners. STDs can lead to infertility and even death if left untreated.

I take this really seriously, and would be seperating from him, living in seperate homes for now. If you both agree you really want to make the relationshop work, you can attend therapy or decent counselling together, but I think you also need your space to think and reflect. This should be a slow process where he shows his commitment, not a quick fix ''let's forget it all ever happened'' type deal.

Him fobbing the blame off onto you is completely wrong, I hope you know that. Your lack of libido does not give him an excuse to seek sex elsewhere. Instead he could have supported you better to manage your PND. Slinking off to use the computer to hook up with others is hardly supportive! Has he been more active/involved in the parenting? Has he attended therapy/counselling with you?

Also, trying to downplay the seriousness of his actions is wrong. ''Stupid'' etc implies it was a momentary lapse of judgement. Ummm no... he's been engaging in this for months, ongoing. He should be taking full responsibility for this, like a mature adult! He has had PLENTY of time to cancel his account and speak to you honestly about his feelings, but it's only now he got busted that he's talking.

Good luck in whatever you decide, but please know you deserve much much better.

[Stiflers Mom]

Have you slept with him since he bagan his communications via the site? If so, I would be going to the GP quick smart for a comprehensive STD test. Anyone should do that, if they discover or suspect their partner has had affairs, whether it be with male or female partners. STDs can lead to infertility and even death if left untreated.

I take this really seriously, and would be seperating from him, living in seperate homes for now. If you both agree you really want to make the relationshop work, you can attend therapy or decent counselling together, but I think you also need your space to think and reflect. This should be a slow process where he shows his commitment, not a quick fix ''let's forget it all ever happened'' type deal.

Him fobbing the blame off onto you is completely wrong, I hope you know that. Your lack of libido does not give him an excuse to seek sex elsewhere. Instead he could have supported you better to manage your PND. Slinking off to use the computer to hook up with others is hardly supportive! Has he been more active/involved in the parenting? Has he attended therapy/counselling with you?

Also, trying to downplay the seriousness of his actions is wrong. ''Stupid'' etc implies it was a momentary lapse of judgement. Ummm no... he's been engaging in this for months, ongoing. He should be taking full responsibility for this, like a mature adult! He has had PLENTY of time to cancel his account and speak to you honestly about his feelings, but it's only now he got busted that he's talking.

Good luck in whatever you decide, but please know you deserve much much better.

Thank you! Perfect advice.

[Numb]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

Ive read through all of your posts, i don't have the energy to reply at this moment, i found out last night so have been awake most of the night...

I will come back and respond later when i am feeling up to it.

thank you all for your replies, i didn't know what else to do and i can't talk to anyone irl about this.

all i know at this time is that i am utterly devastated and shattered & its not the fact that it was what he was wanting its the lies and deceit....

[GluttonForPunishment]

Oh Numb, you poor thing. If you decide that this marriage is one you want to save, I really don't see any other alternative than going to marriage counselling. Either which way, it is an absolutley horrible situation to find yourself in and my heart goes out to you.

:hugs:

[Guest1234]

Ok, I think your DH needs to address his curiosity. Clearly there is a legitimate curiosity there, you just wouldn't do something like that. He is trying to excuse his behaviour by down playing it, by making it some sort of joke. He needs to come to terms with it first, before you and him can sort anything out. He needs to be honest with you, and to do that he needs to be honest with himself.
Then once he has sorted that out for himself, he needs to talk to you about it, honestly and openly.
Then you need to take time to process it all, and figure out where you want to go next. This would hugely depend on what his curiosity really means.

I highly suggest you both see a counsellor through this all, as a couple and individually.

[delirium]

that this would be a way to quit bugging me for s e x and we could all be happy...



This stood out to me. How does communicating via email fulfill his lack of sex? what was the nature of the replies? was it s@x talk or just general chit chat?

[Californication]

I agree with Buttoneska and Bell and Bug.

It sounds like he is struggling with his feelings and desires, but that doesn't mean it is OK to turn it back on you. If he was just missing s*x, he would be trying to hook up with girls. But he's not. He's possibly feeling very confused and embarrassed about it all. I'm not gay, but I imagine having these feeling when you are married with kids would be very difficult for him.

It's a really difficult situation and I think counseling will help you both. He needs help to confront his feelings and you need support as I can only imagine how you would be feeling.

:hugs:

[Numb]

I'm sorry i can't answer your questions at the moment...

I am just so shattered... I don't even feel sad or angry anymore I'm just numb...
I can't even cry anymore...

I don't know what i am going to do... I have nowhere to go because i don't want to stay with family because i am not ready for the constant questions... All i keep doing is reading the emails because it doesn't seem real... I can't believe this is happening....i keep pinching myself just so i know its actually real and not just a nightmare i am going to wake up from...

All he keeps saying is that he is not g a y and that it was stupid... i can't even believe a word he says.... i just want the world to open up and swallow me whole.

[Numb]

I just can't believe this is happening to me... Can't believe he'd do this.....

[Guest1234]

:hugs: I'm sorry. I can only imagine how hard it must be.

You know, he may not be g a y, he may just be curious. He still needs to be honest with himself and with you, neither of you will get anywhere otherwise.

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[Atropos]

I just can't believe this is happening to me... Can't believe he'd do this.....

(((hugs)))

You poor thing, you must feel so confused and alone. A similar thing happened with the love of my teenage life. I was devastated when he came out to me. In my case we still had a lot of love for each other, among all the anger and grief. 13 years on we are still friends, but god that was hard won. I can't imagine it now as an adult, a wife and mum. My heart goes out to you both, he must be confused and lonely too.
My only advice is to ride out the grief and pain you are in but don't let it fester too long. You both need to communicate. Even if it's not going to work out. A mediator or counselor might help. He sounds like he may be embarrassed or ashamed too, which is likely to make him defensive, and an impartial third party might help with that.
I have no other advice, other than to realise, whether or not he is g ay, it is not your fault xxx

[MamaC]

:( how devastating :(
:hugs: good luck with everything Numb xo

[mummykitty]

:hugs: :hugs: no words but plenty of these :hugs:

[singa06]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. :hugs:
Hopefully you both get some help soon to sort out your problems.

[MuminMind]

i don't nec believe it when you DH dismisses his action - he sounds embarrased and also confused about his own desires.
i think pretending he didn't have any feelings/attraction/curiosity to this would be really dangerous for you both
i think he needs to talk to someone about how he feels
i think you need to talk to someone about how you feel
i don't think his behavour is a clear result/reaction to your pnd/low libido - i think that is a really sh1tty excuse and diversion - he needs to own it and not minimilise it.
he has gone to considerable effort to explore this - i just don't see how he can dismiss it so quickly and easly - like i said i think if you both ignore it could coem back and bite you in a$$
i think that good relationships are strong and can get through tough times, both ppls should be able to be honest and express their desires and if its something both ppl are comfortable with they should be able to fufil those desires.

:iagree:


It was absolutely heartbreaking to read your post; I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. There are probably a lot of aspects to your situation that you are not even able to fully comprehend at the moment. Your DH is probably dealting with a lot of guilt, embarrassment and confusion at the moment (amongst a myriad of other emotions), and although he might be reluctant to discuss these issues further with you or a third party, it would be almost impossible to carry on with your relationship without addressing it. It would always be at the back of your minds. No matter how hurtful the truth *may* be, you deserve honesty, so that you know where to go from here.

I also want to invite you to the private PND/AND discussion area for further support. The area is password protected, so I'll send you a PM with the information.

Please look after yourself as best as you can.

:hugs:

[HarvestMoon]

My ex did the exact same thing. He left his email account open on the computer and i read the emails. It was quite sickening and with it all came the realisation that i didn't even know the guy.

[Numb]

Sorry for the lack of responses lately, i've just taken some time to get me thoughts together.

DH & i have spoken...

He has promised he never met up with any of the people that responded to his ad & i pretty much believe that as he is either at work or here so really wouldn't have the opportunity to do anything.

He has said that he is not g a y & he was just curious but when it came down to the crunch he couldn't go through with it.

He has begged me to stay and promised to be a better person for me and the children... I have decided i will stay if we attend counselling... I somewhat feel like i have cheated myself for staying but i need to try.

I will try to fix what he has done but if it doesn't work out in the end then so be it...

I can't talk to anyone irl, he has asked me not to tell anyone but its eating me up inside, i don't know how to feel.

I know this is going to be a hard and bumpy road, i don't have any expectations of what will come out of it...

I know i cannot trust him and probably never will 100%.

He has changed our lives and can't go back..

[Sparklydreamer]

:hugs: i had a similar discovery of betrayal a few years ago and felt exactly the same as you stated above. He was so ashamed he asked me not to tell anyone and it was horrible - I understood him wanting it kept secret from our friends, of course, but it meant I felt terribly alone and felt I had to carry this huge burden on my own with no one to help me work it out. It felt so unfair.

I chose to stay as well and I'm glad I did, but i still do not trust him, and our relationship will never have that innocence again. It changes. I do, however, feel that I finally know him warts and all and that has led to a greater intimacy.

Good luck with the counselling. It helped us enormously, I hope it helps you too.
:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Wickedly Happy]

I stayed for a long time after I discovered my husband's infidelity. His actions stemmed from a lack of self esteem that I could never help him with. I thought I could deal with it all, until he turned to drugs (steroids) in a way to change his body into what he thought would be the "perfect" body. These made him aggressive and that was when I left him - violence I WILL NOT stand.

I wish you and your husband all the best of success in getting through this. As a psychologist I can only recommend counseling, but find someone you really feel you can talk to. Share the burden if you can.

[melandstan]

i hope that you and your DH are able to work through this.
As some others have said, they have and it is working - although it is a little 'different' than before.
Having not been in your situation - it is difficult for me to know how i'd react etc. but there is rarely a right or wrong.
If you're feeling comfortable with your decision - and it appears that your DH has been very open with you, then i wish you all the happiness in the world.

[Intrigue]

It is entirely possible that the fantasy is arousing but the reality is not.

I think it common for people to be aroused by the thought of say (for example) group sex situations, and may even like to tease people involved getting a sense of being desirable and exciting yer would never actually partake in the activity.

While I dont know if this is the case, I think it a possibility that could be considered thus reinforcing that he has not cheated and he is not gay. I suggest talking it through (allbeit very embarrasing for him)

[Jurty]

It is entirely possible that the fantasy is arousing but the reality is not.

I think it common for people to be aroused by the thought of say (for example) group sex situations, and may even like to tease people involved getting a sense of being desirable and exciting yer would never actually partake in the activity.

While I dont know if this is the case, I think it a possibility that could be considered thus reinforcing that he has not cheated and he is not gay. I suggest talking it through (allbeit very embarrasing for him)

I agree with this

[mysticme]

Your DH sound like he is a very confused person!
I would be getting the counseling and trying to figure out where this inquisitive part of him has come from.
I have to wonder why he said the he started this email account because he wasn't getting s3x at home!
If it was all just about s3x, would he not have been chatting with other women?
I really think he needs to address the fact that he is married to you, but also attracted to men!
I have known a couple of men who were married but in s3xual relationship with other men also. It became a very big mess with a lot of people hurt!

I hope you get some answers soon.



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