Advise on MIL and Smoking

[Kelle]

I know this is a very contraversial subject but I need some advise. DH and I have had a continuing disagreement with his mother about taking our DD over to her house as she is a very heavy smoker. We have tried to explain to her we do not want to expose her to cigarette smoke but she just cant get it through her thick head. We live about 800km away and usually visit at particular times of the year eg. christmas. The last 2 christmas 's have been terrible with continued fighting about this situation. She wants us to take DD over to her house and spend all day but we both wont agree to this. She carries on like a pork chop drinking etc because she cant get her own way (i think to make us feel bad).
Can anyone give us some advise on ways to deal with this matter as it has made us not want to visit at all, which is sad as this is our home town where we have other friends and family.
She cant understand that while what she does in her own home is completely up to her and frankly i dont give a S***, I will not expose my children to cigarette smoke as she did to her children (who got belted if they went outside to get fresh air as this is being disrespectful to your mother). We cant even get her to come to compromise, like spending time at BIL place.

Any advise would be great

[Sholmes]

She is being completely unreasonable and seems to forget that she should be a responsible adult and not act like a child! I think you should tell her that until she is willing to care about the welfare of her granddaughter, that you will not be visiting.

I'm sorry that you are faced with this terrible situation and hope that you can resolve it. I know taking a "my way or the highway" approach may be full on, but it will then be left to your MIL whether she WANTS to see her granddaughter or not, not you guys stopping her from seeing your DD.

:hugs:

[InSaneOne]

i would just say if you want to see your granchild at your house - respect our wishes and don't smoke around them. otherwise you are welcome to visit us or meet us at another location.

[jessgray]

what a silly woman! thats my opinion lol

we ask that nobody smokes near or around ds and have doen so since he was a newborn and now that he is asthmatic our family and friends are lot more mindful of ds's whereabouts when they deicide to pop outside for a smoke.

if i were you i would get some pamphlets on asthma and smoking and show them to MIL. and get a few on Sids. if that doesnt change her mind nothing will.

i am grateful my family doesnt have many smokers but the smokers do understand ds's asthma as there are lots of asthmatics in my family:)

[BlueGin]

What a sad situation! She sounds like she is being downright silly about it all, it's not like your telling her to quit or anything, and I think it is totally reasonable to expect that people not smoke around a child (especially when it is their precious grandchild!).
With Christmas, would it be too hot to spend the day outside? Maybe that would be a compromise she would accept, to sit out in the garden, and then you have the freedom of movement to take your DD to another part of the garden when she lights up?

Growing up, my Mum always used to stand under her kitchen exhaust fan to smoke, as a compromise, and just wouldn't smoke if we wanted a hold, is this something you'd consider? Or would that still be uncomfortable for you?

I hope you can make her see some sense, it is wrong that you should feel pushed away from your own home town for such a reason :hugs:

[mum2bubba]

I think you should lay down the law and tell her that if she continues to smoke around your child then you won't be visiting. She sounds like a spoilt child. :shame: :thumbsdown:

[pookiesossige]

I think you should lay down the law and tell her that if she continues to smoke around your child then you won't be visiting. She sounds like a spoilt child. :shame: :thumbsdown:

My 2 year old son is much more mature then many adults I know! I'm not bragging about my son, and saying that some adults never grow up and continue to put their own wants before the needs of others. Pfft. It's sad that she's going to miss out on time with her grandchild. But she made that choice. Don't let her make her feel like it's you that's seperating them *shakes head*.

[Me]

apart from the issue of exposing your dd to the smoke is exposing you to the smoke whilst pregnant. You really should point out to her that being exposed to smoke when pregnant and for young babies can increase the risk of sids. qld health have a great brochure with great diagrams on the risks. if i can find a copy i'll PM you. it recommends that ppl who have been smoking who want to hold a newborn have a shower and clean their teeth first to get rid of the smoke. it also says that at the least they should change their shirt or something like that. as i said, i'll look for the brochure and pm you - would be good to pass along to your mil to help her understand that you have these concerns you serious reasons.

[~mia&ryan~]

My dad had always smoked, but when I got pregnant I told him that if he wanted to spend time with me and eventually my baby there is no way he will be smoking. He quit that day..:thumbsup: and hasn't smoked a cigarette since. Luckily for me he understood my feelings and him seeing us was more important to him than smoking:yelclap:

[Areca]

I think she's being totally unreasonable. My MIL is a seriously heavy smoker and both DP and I did not want her smoking around DD. DP took some pamphlets to her that explained what second hand smoke can do to babies (they were his back up incase there was an arguement) and told her that it's her choice to smoke and we aren't asking her to stop but if she chooses to smoke before or during a visit from us then she is not allowed to touch or hold DD. My MIL, who is the most non considerate smoker I have ever come across agreed to it without a battle. 9 times out of 10 she chooses to smoke and while that irks me she doesn't go against our wishes so we don't mention her smoking (she always smokes well away from DD too).

If my MIL can agree to it it's really not that big an ask! I would just get your DP to tell his mum that that's the way it is and if she doesn't respect how you want to raise your children then she misses out. If she is seriously going to choose smoking over seeing her grandkids do you want her in their life?

[neeky]

ok well i have to agree with everyone else. I cant believe she would act so childish!

What i would probably do if it cant be worked out over the phone: Get DP to go and talk to her, face to face, (next time you're there). Send him by himself, armed with photos of your child and information on the harm that smoking does to children. Get him to sit down and explain calmly and rationally why it is that you dont want your precious child, HER precious GRANDCHILD, going into a house that is constantly smoked in, or have them being smoked around, etc. Use the information in the pamphlets to emphasis your point, and any statistics you can find on anything related to smoking around children. If she see's sense then thats great, but if she refuses to, then im afraid to say its time for the foot to be put down!

I personally wouldnt stop going to the town, after all you do have other family and friends there that you want to see. But if she is not willing to even compromise (which im not so sure id even do, but then im a bit of a nasty one!:laughing:) then tell her you WILL NOT be seeing her unless she bumps into you on the street. Your childs health and wellbeing is you first priority, and if she cannot or will not understand that then she may have to learn the hard way.