first time dad's were you like this??? i need your help to understand

[mummyandbubby]

hey fellas,

now i know im not a man and i know im intruding on your section but i need your help.

dh and i got into an arguament last night (and other nights) my main reason for being mad at him is because i think he dosnt want to have anything to do with our bub now or when she is born, any way after alot of yelling and crying he finally said to me that he is scared of having a baby he wants to have her but is scared that he will stuff it up. he has also said that baby's ruin your life (hate you when they are teens)
so i have gone through the whole pregnancy thinking that he wont love the baby and she wont have a daddy that she can go to when she needs.

were you like this?. how did you feel during pregnancy and after?

did you love the baby when he/she came?

i just want to know that its not always going to be like this and that my lil girl gets the daddy i never had.

[FullTimeDada]

Hi mummyandbubby, :wave:

mmmmm a bit going on here??
In some earlier posts I made mention of the fact that some men just don't get it.. and further they put up road blocks (in their own minds) and say things like "they hate you when their in their teens" ...that's looking a little far ahead!! ..and I think that kind of response is a bit lame as both parents have got to start taking responsibility for what they have created ..and it doesn't seem fair that Mums under full on pressure and Dads making throw away remarks like that..

Making him come around to meet your expectations is another thing and you sound as if your carrying a bit of life's baggage from your own childhood with your final para that..
"just want to know that its not always going to be like this and that my lil girl gets the daddy i never had"

Maybe its this pressure from your memories that is blurring your own expectations of him ..and he's finding it (naturally) hard to transposing himself into his "father to be" shoes

Personally, I remember having had all sorts of pre birth thoughts going on, and aggravation with DW.. but the moment DD was born I was consumed (like the song goes "Nothing else Matters")

We can only hope that somewhere in all that your going through now..is that your expectations are met and that he will wilt at the beauty of your new creation..all the best FTD

[bigbadbrad]

I have to say that I agree that the worse thing you can do is pick at the problem. You never know what sort of parent you will be and worrying about it definitely will not help.

As long as he does his best that is all anyone can ask. Just keep reassuring him and do not pressure him and then wait for the Bub to wrap his heart around their pinky, because that is what generally happens

All the best
BBB

[Lovemyfam]

I am not a guy but my hubby was the same way in regards to being worried he would not be a good dad. He wanted to make m proud and not stuff up. I just kept telling him that he will be fine, just love her and evey thing else will come along. He loves he so much, he is a great dad he took a bit to change diapers he was worried about the umbilical cord but I could not ask for a better dad. This is his first baby he has been around since he was 16 and his sister had kids. He will come around just reassure him that he will do fine and wont stuff up.

Now when baby is here do not hover, give him a change dont critique what he does. Hubby tried to put a diaper on for the first time and he had it backwards, i simply said the tabs go in the back I didnt laugh, or say it in a snobby way. I let him shower with her and I whole heartly trust him or I would not of had a baby with him. Will he make mistakes? prob but that is how we all learn. Let him do what he feels comfortable when he wants to.

[curlyhead21]

I'm not a guy but my husband is very similar and I thought I could give you some advice.

My husband doesn't have big fluctuations in emotion, he has a very calm and steady personality, doesn't experience (or show) great ups and downs. During my pregnancy I got really worried about where his head was at. I'm not saying he was disappointed that I was pregnant, but it didn't seem like he was particularly excited about it. We would discuss names and he came along to appointments, but wouldn't get all excited and start a sentence with "I can't wait until the baby is born...", which is what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear him independently say these type of things, more to reassure me than anything.

Even now our baby is born he still isn't completely 'there' with her, but he's getting better. He concentrates on the things he can't do, like breastfeeding, and the few times he's tried to settle her but couldn't. So it's up to you to get him to see the things he CAN do.

I think it just takes a while for some people. Some people (both mothers and fathers) just don't feel that special bond straight away.

My advice is to not bring too much attention to it. Just ask him in general conversation how he's going and how he's feeling about it, let him get off his chest what's on his mind, and offer help if you can. When the baby is born give him opportunities to do things with the baby, like changing and bathing, but let him do these things by himself in his own way, try not to hover. If he doesn't immediately run to see baby when he gets home from work like you want him to, bring baby to him to say hello (not neccessarily for a hold, just for a kiss and chat) and talk to baby saying something like "Look, Daddy's home!", like you're both really excited to see him.

Eventually, in time, he will develop an attachment to your baby and get enjoyment out of it.

[duncan_bayne]

he is scared of having a baby he wants to have her but is scared that he will stuff it up

I can certainly identify with this bit.

[TinyLittleTootsies]

yes, my husband had those thoughts. I also some times had thoughts of it all being so overwhelming and wondering if it was the right thing and what kind of a Mum I would be.

I think it can be harder when you aren't actually growing the baby, feeling the love hormones running through your body etc like a pregnant woman is. My DH didn't grow up picturing himself as a father, he just sort of thought it would happen one day... so when it was happening he said it was so surreal, as though it wasn't really happening to him at times.

He is a great Dad now :D very hands on with our two toddlers.

Other things that might be relevent though, are that a lot of men think of the practical side of things and don't let emotions rule their thoughts. My DH would get stressed about money, the house, the car, all things that I worried about, but didn't dwell on. He really took it hard as his responsibilty and felt stressed at work even though he didn't have to be.

DH said when our babies would smile at him, or be able to be settled by him and no one else, or other quiet moments he would have with them one on one, he remembers how much of his heart is with our girls and how he is a good Dad. This makes all his practical worries go away. He also likens his feelings to a chorus in a song :laughing: Heaven (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_nImUzRv0w)

For him, he finds it hard to connect when I am pregnant, and I am fine with that but I was really mean about it when pregnant with our first, because I was insecure and had crazy pregnancy hormones that made me need to hear it was all going to be ok 1million times a day. I think biologically we are programmed to need to feel like our "mate" is wanting our baby as much as we are. And they do... just in a different way:).

[Mattus]

I have had a girl, she's now 2, and the fear of failure is certainly massive. But, I think (hope) we all get over it, with passing time.I had a time adjusting to having a little girl in the house, and the worry of having a somewhat breakable baby in the house. I was a little soothed about the dad/baby girl thing after we had our boy, and my wife had the same misgivings. I understand the fear of breakability of the baby, and the fragility of the dad in that respect.

Failure - leaving early is an even worse failure. Not being around by choice for your child is an even bigger failure, I think.

[mummyandbubby]

thanks for all your replies it certainly gives me alot to think about. last night i had a somewhat brief conversation (no yelling yay haha) where i told him he will be a good dad and wouldnt stuff it up (as long as you are there you cant stuff it up) so dont worry. then he tells me that, that is not the problem .... what... but you said that to me?:confused: so now im confused. so i asked him what he was scared about. he said that he was scared he would be miserable and that once the baby comes along he will be forgotten and *fun time* will go out the door and that all he will be a man sleeping in the same bed with no connection to me.

i tried my hardest to tell him that its not going to be like that. sure the baby will get my attention but that dosnt mean that he will loose it. i love him to bits and im nothing with out him. baby or not i want him around and that wont change.


i will keep having civil conversations with him about this stuff and giving him some encouragement (but i wont push ill let him do it in his own time)

sorry for the long post.

[kmetius]

Not a guy but my husband was the same. He was so scared during our first pregnancy that he would fail at being a father and mess up our child. He had a Dad that was never there and never had a good male role model so he was like ' I have no idea what I am doing I can't do this' I think this fear is good and it's normal we all fear we will mess up our kids. He also had that worry about being able to love...but one night he confessed to me (using his exact words) 'I was so worried I wouldn't have enough love but the moment I saw her I was completely in love I never knew you could love someone or something so much'
During the first couple of months with both girls he didn't like to hold them much or be very hands on he would if I asked him to but he preferred to stand back and 'look' at them when I asked him why he explained that he was scared he would 'break' them because they are so small and look fragile. But he is the best Dad ever and has never let his fears stop him from doing the best he can once they started crawling I couldn't separate him from the kids :laughing:

[duncan_bayne]

*fun time* will go out the door and that all he will be a man sleeping in the same bed with no connection to me.

You should remind him that second children exist in some families, and third, and fourth ... :yes: