Feeling so alone

[Mum of a Monkey]

Why cant people just mind their own business? Why do people feel the need to try to 'correct' my parenting style? I have just had another woman in my mothers group email me and tell me that she thinks I need to leave my baby to cry and not to rock him to sleep. And for gods sake dont pick him up when he is crying, otherwise he will expect to get picked up all the time. Where do people get these ideas from anyway? I have NEVER commented on the fact that these women put their babies in the capsule or rocker and leave them in the hallway to cry themselves to sleep even though I think it is so cruel that it is bordering on neglect. So stop giving me dirty looks when I sit in the corner and rock Ryan to sleep. And if I hear one more time about how wonderful that bloody Becoming Babywise book is I am going to shove it down your thoat. I can tell you why your daughter isnt putting on weight - because you are probably starving her following that stupid book.

I know I should just stop going but these are the only other mums I know and I am so shy and awkward that it just seems easier to put up with this than have very little adult contact at all. After today I am considering never going back. We are moving over to Browns Plains or even further east from here due to DH's work I am going to be on my own again soon anyway.

We have also had to cut off all contact with DH's brother and his wife because they were so disgusted by the fact that we cosleep. She called me the nastiest names and informed me that when I kill Ry by smothering him they are going to go to the police and have me charged with murder :confused: . What kind of ****ing bull**** is that? They also said that Ry would never learn how to crawl because I carried him in the sling too much and that babies who walk before they crawl are backwards.

I am not even hardcore AP for gods sake. I stopped breastfeeding at 3 months because PND completely screwed with my head and I can no longer carry Ry all the time becasue I have a prolapse and cystocele, caused by the long and difficult birth, which absolutley kills me when I carry him for too long. :crying:

I am sorry to have spewed all this out like this. I just feel so alone. I dont know any other parents who are doing anything remotely similar to us. I hoped I would feel better after getting all this out but I think its made me feel worse.

Alesha.

[Cheekychops]

I did Becoming Babywise and it worked well for me, but I never shoved it onto other people......if they asked how I did stuff with DS's obviously I would tell them, and if they asked to borrow the book (which many did) I would let them because it worked so well for US........

I don't however judge co'sleepers etc, because that is the way they choose to parent......just like I chose not to and would hope they didn't judge me iykwim.....

Sounds like you need to change Mothers groups - even before you move...... you need to feel supported and befriended not ostrasized (sp?)...... PM me if you want to chat!!! (I won't force babywise on you, i promise!!!)

[Mum of a Monkey]

Thanks for replying Cheekychops. I dont normally judge people on how they do things because I hate it so much when people do it to me. Same goes for all the other people here who use Babywise so please dont think I am having a go at you.

I have just got myself into such a twist about always being told that I am doing things wrong when I am quite happy to do things like this. I guess I am a little naive to believe that people should respect my choices.

[Rainbowbrite]

:hugs: I know exactly where you are coming from. I got all same comments & still do about MJ.

We're so bad for responding to our babies needs, they need to cry, sleeping with them will cause problems :ecomcity: Sorry if this offends but stuff them. Your bub, your way :D

MJ is almost 17months old, still has more bf than solids, was carried everywhere in a sling & we co-sleep too :shame: But you know what. She is healthy & happy & so are we. There is no way we would push MJ out of our bed. She will let us know when she is ready to leave, just like she'll tell me when she's had enough bf.

We've all been there, your not alone.

[chezbear]

Im here to say each to their own seriously what works for some dont always work for another, I'm single with a 8 month old and i co sleep and pick him up when he crys and rock him to sleep when needed other times he falls asleep by himself but sometimes kids just want some affection and comfort I dont carry him around anymore not because i dont want to but because i'm pregnant and my boy is pretty big and kills my back lol

[nut]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
It can be just so isolating, can't it?

Try not to let the opionions of others get to you. You are doing what you feel is best for your baby and they can all keep their opinions to themselves IMO.

I had a hard time when I first moved back to Australia as I thought I was the only AP Mamma out there, but there are more of us than you might think- it is just that we often keep quiet so that we don't get abused for doing what we see (and have researched) to be the absolute best.

Hugs to you! When you move you may well find some like minded people.:thumbsup:

[Nickster]

It sounds like you need to join another Mother's group! Seriously, where do they get off trying to "convert" you to their methods - okay fine, it might work for them, but every child is different, and every parent is different, and as long as your baby is happy and healthy what does it matter?

We have rocked DD to sleep basically since birth and happily began co-sleeping with her when she was 12 months old (why oh why did it take us so long?) - we tried CC briefly and it didn't work for us - I know it works for other parents and other babies, but if this is the method you choose, and you are happy with it, they need to respect your parenting style.

Don't worry, mate, you're not alone - you just keep doing what works for you, and ignore the critics. The most important thing you can do as a mother - especially with PND - is to follow your instinct.

[faery]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
it can be really tough to be AP when everyone under the sun is giving out advice that if you just left your baby they will sleep. that babywise man is an idiot and i agree with you totally on how awful cc is.
we ap ds, cosleep, feed to sleep, feed all the time, carry in a sling, don't let him cry it out, the whole bit. and sure it gets hard sometimes, but i keep reminding myself that he will be a baby for a really short amount of time and i am committed to raising a son who is secure and is attached to his parents, not some plastic toy, and doesn't grow up with issues of abandonment.....
hmmmm now i am ranting!!:laughing:
seriously, you are one amazing mama to stick with your beliefs amidst (sorry to say this but...) nasty people around you.
pm if you like. it's tough being the only ap in a world of cc but there are other's out there.

[misskittyfantastico]

You are not alone! I too let my child tell me what she needs and I give it to her. It took me far to long to trust myself and my instincts.

Try not to let other people get you down:hugs:

[MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea]

Hi, before I never realised how hard it is when people criticise your parenting, but we are just starting to get a few comments too. Nothing too bad yet but it's starting, and it's really throwing me. So just wanted to send some:hugs: . If you know what you are doing is making your DC happy, that's all that counts,

Mel

[shed]

I get told to let my baby cry "its good for their lungs".

There's nothing wrong with his lungs, they work perfectly, he is breathing with them right now in fact LOL.

My favourite aunty even said this to me. It must have been what they were told in the olden days, along with scheduled feeding. Other people have said it as well including my SIL. I said to her that I read in a book that ignoring a baby's distress calls can cause anxiety disorders in adults and increases their propensity to depression.

My baby is nine weeks old and I don't even know what his full-blown cry sounds like!! I always go to him before he gets too wound up.

Whatever is wrong, mummy fixes it. That's how it is now and that's how it always will be as long as there is breath in my body. Anyone who doesn't like it can ram it.

There are plenty of us that think the same way you do.

[Karizma]

Where do some people get off?????? :confused:
I would e-mail her back and ask her where her respect and common courtesy are! What gives her the right to tell you how to bring up your child. For me personally, that would be to far, a cross of the invisable line, and I would cut all contact. Lifes to short to surround yourself with people who dont respect your way and life. Not nice.
Sorry got a little carried away. Hope you are feeling better, like everyone else said trust YOUR instincts, cause YOUR his mother not anyone else.

[bekkyboo]

Pm sent hun :)

[sopolicha]

What a spineless bunch of cows. Talking about YOUR parenting methods behind your back and then not even having the guts to tell you to your face. Gutless cows sending an email.

I agree with Nickster, you need a new playgroup. Get in touch with the ABA, they have regular meetings all around town. You are more likely to find someone there who can connect with a playgroup with like minded people, or at least one where the woman aren't so nasty.

If you need a scathing email sent back, I am more than happy to help :) .

[Mum of a Monkey]

:hugs: Thankyou to everyone who has responded here. I really appreciate hearing from other mums who get this **** as well, though I am sorry that you have to put up with it too. Thankyou to the ladies who sent me such supportive PM's too, I will reply soon.



We're so bad for responding to our babies needs, they need to cry

Rainbowbrite, I hate this as well, why do babies need to cry? When I am upset I love it when DH give me a big cuddle, why are babies different?



it is just that we often keep quiet so that we don't get abused for doing what we see (and have researched) to be the absolute best


Nut, Sometimes I think that may be the problem, that AP'ers tend to have researched the subject a little more thoroughly than others. Maybe they feel as though we think we are superior and try to knock us down a peg :confused:

Nikster, we tried controlled comforting, as suggested by the ancient MCHN at the local clinic, and I think that is what led me towards PND. Ry doesnt respond to being patted, well he does, he responds by screaming :p



and sure it gets hard sometimes, but i keep reminding myself that he will be a baby for a really short amount of time and i am committed to raising a son who is secure and is attached to his parents, not some plastic toy, and doesn't grow up with issues of abandonment


faery, you're not ranting! This is totally what I believe. My BIL and SIL just cant understand why their 2 yr old is headbanging and being violent towards them, my opinion is that it might have something to do with the fact that they left him to cry it out from birth.

JaidevsMum, I hope that you dont get criticised as much as me! Good luck and stay strong!

Shed, I HATE getting told that crying is good for baby's lungs, what a load of ****. I am going to remember what you say and the next time someone tells me its good for the lungs Watch Out lol!


Whatever is wrong, mummy fixes it. That's how it is now and that's how it always will be as long as there is breath in my body. Anyone who doesn't like it can ram it.



I am going to steal this as my new motto!

Karizma, unfortunatly it is my turn to host the Mothers group this week, I think I will make it the last week I attend as well. I agree that it has crossed the invisable line, I just have to have the confidence that I am doing the right thing.

Sopolicha, thanks for letting me know about the ABA. I will ring them once we move to where ever we are going. Thanks for the offer to write an email, I wont do it just now, but if I get one more email from them you will get a PM from me!

I am glad now I wrote this thread, I know it was a bit whingy but you all have made me feel so much better.

[our little treasures]

Hi I was wondering how you went with the mums in question!!I would tell them that you don't really want to give your child feelings of abandoment when they are helpless little humans. This is so annoying when you as an AP have made your decisions..

Maybe it's because people who know me and don't agree with the way I parent would cop such an earful,.. that they wouldn't want to mention another thing to me!! I hardly come across comments I get stares from some I wont mention but no way would they say stop rocking the child or what your doing is spoiling the child!!!:mad:

I hope they have backed of and you have got a new playgroup!! :hugs:

[Tannie]

Did you find a new mums group? they sound like a bunch of interferring, non-supportive twits anyway!! How dare they email you to tell you what to do with your child?
I don't say I practice AP ( my attitude towards all this labelling of styles is controversial at best...LOL) BUT...........I don't let my children "cry it out" or neglect their needs. I've never had to do CC with them........I have a few different slings / carriers and use them when bubs small -but find both too heavy now & I dont' ahve great back......having said that - if they want to be picked up (like my 20 month old today was really clingy ALL day!!) they get picked up as much as I can......
We don't co-sleep......have nothign really against it, but neither of my bubs like it anyway. Having said that - last week when little one had a cold, she came in with me for part of the night for several nights and was okay with it - wanted it - but not since -so clearly, she likes her own space normally, but when not feeling great wants "mummy close" - so that's fine! she's never been off colour before -so I didn't know she'd like it before - dear little thing :hugs:

I too gave up b/f - disaster ++ each time.........but having said that - we have plenty of close time bottle feeding - I kiss and cuddle and always hold them up to my face whilst feeding.......each to their own - if you can b/f and you like it - go for it.

Anyway - back to original topic - I have a few mums groups and none of us interfer with each others parenting styles........the mums I get on best with tend to be similar to me - very loving, very attentive & intuitive to their bubs......they don't call themselves anything particular (as in style of parenting) but IMO, we're all bordering on it. The ONLY time any of us has said anything is when we noticed that one mum tended to over "discipline" her toddler and started smacking him in front of us.......after a few weeks we discussed how to bring up that we didn't like her doing this as a result of what we all felt was normal age appropriate toddler behaviours.....we knew she was having problems working out what to do etc anyway - so one of us was "chosen" by the others to quietly and tactfully bring it up with her in a non-judgemental, non-threatening way. As it turns out - she WANTED help and WANTED to know what to do etc - so now it's out in the open and we're all trying to help her learn how to "discipline" gently, without any form of "put downs" or physical punishment................good outcome all round & she is actually happy she's able to discuss with us etc.......that's what "supportive" mums groups are for! :kiss:

Haven't read the Babywise book - haven't needed to! never done CC either - haven't needed to.......am not totally opposed to anything (except for abuse of course) we all do what we have to do......as long as our kids are healthy, happy, secure & well cared for - "whatever"???!!!

Good luck - hope you find more like minded parents in your new area.
T

[mamabare]

Mum of a Monkey, I feel for you having to go through this :hugs: . What a shocking bunch of women! What right do they have to email you to tell you that what you are doing with YOUR child is the wrong thing to do.

If the situation was reversed & you started emailing these women details of research showing the detrimental effects of practices such as CC they would all be appalled that you were attacking them. People following the crowd feel like they have the right to do this because they have the majority on their side. But that does not mean they are right.

I have been lucky with my mothers group. They listen and respect my opinions and approach to parenting, but I have many friends who have left their mothers group because they have not been so lucky.

There are some lovely online parenting forums dedicated to natural and attachment parenting that I can pm you with if you like. It is wonderful to have a place where what you do is seen as normal, and you are supported and can get lots of valuable information and resources.

There are also attachment parenting support groups in most states. I am in Sydney, but I know there is a Melbourne group (just google Melbourne Attachment parenting). They usually have regular meetups, and I have formed some wonderful friendships and feel very at home with these women. And like you, I am shy!

There are also playgroups and schools where people will have similar philosophy to you - the Melbourne attachment parenting people will be able to point you in that direction I'm sure.

You need support as a parent - there are people out there who aren't as appalling as the women in your mothers group!

[Shanaynay]

Hi Mum of a Monkey,

I hope things are improving a little for you :hugs:

I wouldn't say I am an AP'er as I dont know enough about it, but I do think I follow many AP techniques.... anyway I am sick to death of the criticism as well :banghead:

I get told that my DD will develop a complex from being held all the time!?
I also get asked if I think I might roll over and squash her in bed one night.
I can't stand it anymore, I feel I'm doing everything right, I'm happy, my DD is happy, yet people tell me I'm stuffing her up for life?

I'm don't really like confontation so I just don't know what to say to these people when they insist on making me feel like bad about what I believe is the best way to parent my two daughters :(

[our little treasures]

Nothing like getting a bed rail from someone who was worried DD would fall out of our bed.:laughing: We just smiled and said oh thank you.... Never used it and was very upset that they wouldn't drop the issue even though we did say we didn't want one!!:banghead:

[Gruzzlebub]

Why cant people just mind their own business? Why do people feel the need to try to 'correct' my parenting style? I have just had another woman in my mothers group email me and tell me that she thinks I need to leave my baby to cry and not to rock him to sleep. And for gods sake dont pick him up when he is crying, otherwise he will expect to get picked up all the time.

We got this all the time too. Our oldest (3) stopped being rocked to sleep by about 7 mths - he didn't want to - we just lay down next to him and cuddle or pat him. We tried control crying (a lot of peer pressure - should have ignored it!) - and after having him vomit in his cot (after 4 mins of cc) we never tried it again. How can something that traumatic be good for our baby?


I know I should just stop going but these are the only other mums I know and I am so shy and awkward that it just seems easier to put up with this than have very little adult contact at all. After today I am considering never going back. We are moving over to Browns Plains or even further east from here due to DH's work I am going to be on my own again soon anyway.

It must be very hard for you - but I think no mums in real life are better than these mums who judge you and make you doubt your parenting decision. Come on line here, there are lovely people here (I have been lurking for a while - but joined up because the people here seem so nice).


We have also had to cut off all contact with DH's brother and his wife because they were so disgusted by the fact that we cosleep. She called me the nastiest names and informed me that when I kill Ry by smothering him they are going to go to the police and have me charged with murder :confused: . What kind of ****ing bull**** is that? They also said that Ry would never learn how to crawl because I carried him in the sling too much and that babies who walk before they crawl are backwards.

She sounds absolutely AWFUL. Cosleeping is very common for non-anglo families. Lots of asian families cosleep. Many non-anglo families also carry their babies around - everywhere.

We cosleep with our baby.

We carried our son around a lot. He crawled. He can walk. He is certainly not backward.


I am sorry to have spewed all this out like this. I just feel so alone. I dont know any other parents who are doing anything remotely similar to us. I hoped I would feel better after getting all this out but I think its made me feel worse.

Alesha.

I'm sorry it has made you feel worse - hugs to you. Don't question yourself - if it is working for you (that is, you have a happy baby, and when you are with him, you are happy too) - then you need to filter out all that other ****e.

You're doing a great job.

[susiehomemaker]

Hi Mum of a Monkey,
You are right to be annoyed with all those "well meaning" people- It doesnt matter what your style of parenting, being a mum seems to leave you open criticism! There is always someone there willing to tell you you are doing the wrong thing. I know it is hard, but just try to ignore these people and do what you think is right! There is no right and wrong with parenting, just do what you think is best. Your dc knows they are loved and wanted- that is all that matters in the grand scheme of things. DD refused to be rocked or cuddled to sleep from a very early age, so cc was our only option (she was struggling like a bat out of hell to get out of my arms, and still does! She is v miss independant) but if that didnt happen, I would still be rocking her to sleep. DH still hasnt a clue, asks what time her bed time is, or what time she has her nap or what time she has her meals. Just doesnt get that we dont have that sort of a routine and that I can tell by her body language when DD needs something. Just follow your intuition & only take on what advice you like :-D Oh, and dont hang out with that icky crowd anymore if they make you upset! Life is too short for that! Good luck, and peace to you and yours.

[pickles]

Someone emailing a comment like that is just plain rude. My sister and I parent completely differently despite having been bought up by the same parents. We acknowledge that we have different beliefs and that this is alright. It can make for some interesting times when we go on extended family holidays .
Goodluck
Pickles
DD 02/03
DS 03/05

[nitty]

mum of a monkey, if u move to browns plains let me know as im not far from there. i had the same trouble with a playgroup in townsville but they didnt email me. why cant people understand we all do things differently. i want my children to grow up feeling loved and secure and will do what i need to do achive that. theres a reason a babies crying makes u ache, and no one can tell me its so u suffer too. only thing i have had so far is a neighbour tell me using cloth nappies was wrong becuase of water shortages and the enviroment !!!!! i simply told her to mind her own business. i do occasional use a disposal if i am out but feel putting plastic on a childs bottom all day cannot be a good idea.

[Mum of a Monkey]

I just wanted to apologise for not responding to this thread in so long. I got a bit paranoid that I had given away too many identifying details and that one of the women from the group could be a member here and figure out it was me :o . Pathetic I know, but I am very non-confrontational and I didnt want to have to deal with a scene.

I also wanted to thank everyone who responded and sent me PM's. You all helped to make me feel so much better and to keep up the confidence in the decisions that I had made. :hugs: :hugs:

I am happy to report that we have moved 40 minutes away from the area so its doubtful that I will have any contact with them again :smiliedance: ! I did end up going to 2 more groups, the next week it was being held at my house and the one after. After that Ry suddenly had alot of 'appointments' that he couldnt miss. I'm a chicken I know! No one said anything more to me about it, but I definitely felt very uncomfortable as I patted away at Ry's bum while I was rocking him off to sleep.

So, thankyou all again soooo much. You have no idea how much you helped me to feel better. Now I just have to find a nice, accepting mother's group in my new area! (Anyone here who lives near Cornubia and wants to meet up let me know!)

Alesha.