Do your men feel differently to you?

[electra68]

I would like to reiterate that I only want to hear from:
Women who have no children
Women who have finished IVF and ICA and everything else.

Don't post here if you are not in the same boat as me.

Thanks. Please respect my wishes as I would prefer to only hear from women who are in are exactly in the same position as me.

Are your husbands feeling differently to you regarding the end of the line? Do they react differently around friends falling pg? Is it different for women in a relationship? I answer yes to all of the above and I wonder if it is just us as a couple?

[Juno]

Hi Electra,

I guess it depends on the guy. My guy is Ok with it. He visits our friends who have had kids( I dont ) & it does not seem to effect him. He was never really sold on having kids...he loves them in short burst but loves to hand them back -he thinks they are exhausting. That's just him. I would like to throw in , that in spite of that he was the most supportive & loving partner whilst we were trying...& is even more so now, during the fallout.

Any hoo - We had lunch with some friends last week & 6 bottles of champers later there was an outburst from my girlfriend over yet another text message anouncing another pregnancy. Her & her husband are done with IVF but are on some health kick new age agenda ( I hope I can mention that electra ). We got talking & it was the first time I had spoken to a guy apart from mine. He was just as F'd up as me. Every single word that came out of his mouth had come out of mine at 1 time or another.

so maybe it is not a chick/guy thing..maybe it just depends on the guy.

[fefe76]

Hi Electra,

I guess it depends on the guy. My guy is Ok with it. He visits our friends who have had kids & it does not seem to effect him. He was never really sold on having kids...he loves them in short burst but loves to hand them back -he thinks they are exhausting.

My husband is pretty much the same. He would be thrilled if we got pregnant but if we don't he is not bothered if we dont have kids or pursue AC/Adoption etc
He is quite happy playing with kids but then handing them back to their parents and is happy to have a life where we are not bound by having kids

[electra68]

Thanks girls. I wonder sometimes, if blokes bottle it up, is what I am concerned about. After all, you don't see them on a forum like this, do you? I have seen him 'cope' after failed cycles and then have a breakdown a few months later. The thing that killed him was the ICA thing- because essentially they knocked us back because of him. And he always stated that he wanted to adopt more than have a baby. I think it is hard for women like us when they see big fat bellies and women all going baby crazy. That is a loss maybe guys don't get. The feeling of never knowing what it will be like to be pg. Fefe- do you mind me commenting on your low reserve? Mine was less than 1%. I took the gold medal for low reserves for the over 35s on the AC thread. That killed me when I saw that- it was all over then. It was so odd because I look about 15 years younger than I really am and quite fit. It really did not fit with my perception of myself.
I thought I was doing fine until I started to get a whole lot of baby crazy women around me lately. After my last failed cycle I got a cat and resolved to start Uni, which has taken all my mental energy. But there is a danger in not allowing myself to think of my own loss.
One thing that me and my DH agree on is that people around us don't understand AT ALL unless they have been through this.
Thanks for your comments.

[fefe76]

Fefe- do you mind me commenting on your low reserve? Mine was less than 1%. I took the gold medal for low reserves for the over 35s on the AC thread. That killed me when I saw that- it was all over then. It was so odd because I look about 15 years younger than I really am and quite fit. It really did not fit with my perception of myself.
I thought I was doing fine until I started to get a whole lot of baby crazy women around me lately. After my last failed cycle I got a cat and resolved to start Uni, which has taken all my mental energy. But there is a danger in not allowing myself to think of my own loss.
One thing that me and my DH agree on is that people around us don't understand AT ALL unless they have been through this.
Thanks for your comments.

My AMH was 1.8 and I was 33 when I had it done so pretty low for my age ...I cannot believe they have medals for something like low reserves :eek: thats just horrid and wrong.
I understand about the baby crazy ladies, its harder when you are surrounded by pregnant bellies and mums and kids... I work in childcare and spend each day of my life looking after other peoples children and watching them grow and their parents have more children while all along I can never be them and wish I was.
I too have delved back into my studies and am starting Uni next month, guess I need something in my life to get my mind off the fact I will never be a parent. Just today I got an email from my childhood bf who has had son #2 ... it just darn well hurts, she is the same age as me, friends older than me have no issues having kids and I am stuck with wanting something I will never have. Yep NO ONE gets it unless they have been there

[electra68]

Yeah, child care. I worked in Out of School Hours during my IVF cycle. I almost had a breakdown. It was also during the time we got knocked back by ICA. I have gone back to Uni and there is no mature age student with kids there. The academics, if they have kids, they certainly don't talk about them. It is all about the work. For me much better than child care. I hated raising other people's kids and having to talk about them all the time.
The woman who ran my centre before me got pg during her 4th time of IVF. Her DH actually shacked up with another woman during her IVF cycles in secret (of course), and she justified it as just his way of coping with not having kids. Well, I don't know about that, but I sure am glad that my DH always told me he never loved me for my ovaries- and just as well, mind you!
I do find stuff people say around me difficult. I understand how gutted you must feel with your friend having her second. The same thing happened to me a few weeks ago with one of my friends announcing to me her pg. I think what got me is the way she did it- with absolutely no idea of what I would be feeling. Do you think your friend was sympathetic to you, or clueless?

[fefe76]

Most of the people i went to school with have had kids, one friend has 4 one has 3 and this one just had her 2nd, luckily i am kind of disociated from it since none of them are in Australia so I don't really have to deal with it.
The friend who just had #2 really didnt know the issues I was having ... or she did but didnt know the scale of it but i never really told her either ...anyway
I would never consider another career as childcare is my thing, however i may move in to running a center so less contact with the children, though the contact doesnt bother me as at work i am in professional mode so usually i dont think about my own childlessness etc on the job
sadly no one thinks of us when they get pg and share it ... i think ppl just think we have no children and have dealt with it so its ok for them to share their pgs with us without a thought to our feelings.. perhaps they think we have none anymore :(

[jackie7]

From my perspective it also depends how long ago things ended. As it's been years for me and in some ways you kinda of detach from it. I'm actually able to be genuinely glad for friends and others now.

I also think it depends on the reason for not being able to have children - i.e. if an individual person in the relationship can't have children (for example that would be me in our relationship or in Electra's case her DH may feel his medical condition is the cause). It makes this person's coping mechanisms different.


The things that get under my skin these days are:



explaining to people why no kids (depending on who they are my answer is very short and not disclose much - if I get to know them better and they disclose something I may disclose)
the fact that some social links come with having children and I feel my DH has missed out on this in particular and that it would have benefitted him as a person



I will never forgive one person because she used my inability to have children as a weapon against me - sorry but what she said can never be forgiven.


As for my DH he never really did very well with young babies anyway - he always looked terribly uncomfortable, but that was more lack of familiarity and skill. If we had children we both would have had to comprise a lot over our parenting approaches. Particularly as he would have been the stay home parent and I the working parent. The thing is my DH is an unusual person and we are a fairly unique couple - well so our SW told us back in ICA days.

I do think men cope a little differently about it - I think in some ways they are relived to stop because they are dis-stressed by seeing us (women) in emotional pain and stopping often means that the constant re-going through the grief cycle is less. Though I don't think they know that stopping for women often means that the stages of grief cycle are now different and working through these may now take a longer period of time because there is no going back through them. I think the poor old men aren't aware of this, they think it will be a quick thing like the other times. Does this make sense?

My advice is to be aware that men do process grief and stuff differently to women and less likely to acknowledge depression. So just keep an eye on each other.

Another thing we have in common - is the work in the early childhood setting. I actually never really had any difficulty back in the day separating myself from this and work. Just trouble with one staff member that was a bit slow on the up-take that no I didn't want to rub the stomach of a parent who was pg with their 3rd child. :impatient: The staff member wasn't real clever and missed social cues A LOT :eek::laughing:

I've been back to uni and earned one Degree in early childhood - and now completing a 4th year (this year and next year). This has enabled me to work in a supporting role to early childhood rather than directly in it. Though I never had a problem with the families, children and pg's. However I get paid more in a supporting role - so you can see why I don't work directly on the floor.

Actually undertaking ICA most likely allowed me to have the role that I am in. If you want to know more about this feel free to PM for my email address. I just can't disclose here!


Anyway does any of this help?

Talking about Uni I must go as I have an assessment item I have to finish this weekend.

Uni has not only kept me busy but I have no life! Actually Uni was most likely really helpful in the early years of things being at an end and now I most likely have the skills to deal with whatever comes with friends and family in terms of kids. So I think it's actually a good strategy!

:dog::doofdoof::dog::bookworm: :geek: Off to superglue my head to the computer all weekend! :wave:

[electra68]

How funny that half the women here work or worked in childcare!
For us, it only ended last October, so I think you are right in that it really depends on time. I had POF, so that stopped me falling pg, and my DH has a major illness that put the kybosh on ICA. So in some respects both of us have shared personal disappointments.
What I am finding really difficult is social situations where people say the wrong things. I am going to start a new thread, because some of the stuff bugs me and I don't know how to handle it. I cannot believe how tactless people are. :no:
I have of course finised for the year with my uni, so good luck and hope you get it all done. I think for me uni is an escape and I love it, but occasionally the real world creeps in, which is unfortunate!