help change my opinion

[Brightsilverstar]

First off this is not to start an argument, I don't want people to have a go when i express my personal opinions.... I am not very eloquent so if you can look past that please do.

I am a fairly easy going, non racist/sexist/anything ist, tolerant, volunteering human being. Mostly I try my best to give help to whoever needs it BUT here is the thing.... I am quite judgy over teen parents.

I don't say anything to anyone but I just feel so disappointed. I don't know weather its because I don't think I could've raised a baby as a teen, or if i look back now and see how much i managed to accomplish and see but when i look at all the teen parents I just feel sorry for the kids.

Here are the examples I look at:

My brothers ex had 2 kids before 18. As soon as she was 18 she broke up with my brother (she had her licence and was able to drink/club). So she would go out constantly give the kids to whoever would have them and be with multiple guys. She worked 1 day in her whole life (she is now 22) and decided it wasn't for her. My brother thinks when the youngest turns 7 and centrelink drops your payment to make working more attractive she'll get pregnant again. They constantly have nits and when you ask them what their Mum cooks for dinner they say Maccas.

Another girl I know has 2 daughters (1 and 4) and she constantly says how she can't cope, they are always naughty etc. They're just being kids, doing what they've been taught.

I have a few other examples but you get the point. I don't want you to feel like you have to prove to me you are a good parent because that isn't what this post is about. I just wonder especially for the teens who plan to have children what they think parenthood is about.

I am well aware that a bad parent can be any age but i just have found in my own experiences that teens seem to have less patience, less money, less life experience, less adventures, less friends etc.

Ideally i'd love everyone to live a full life. I guess for some people that isn't travelling, or going out with friends, or doing lots of fun things but I just wonder why would you plan to be a parent before you've had a chance to have heaps of experiences yourself.

So I hope i haven't offended anyone, i truly would like to change the way i view teen parents and hope you can help. So thanks in advance.

PS: My mum was a teen parent with me at 19 and we did it tough and she said she never wanted to be anything other than a mum but if she could do it all over she would've waited longer.

[Benji]

I used to think the same thing, but I never thought badly of the parents themselves if that makes sense but I used to think that because *I* wouldn't have been equipped for motherhood in my teens that nobody would. Since meeting some AMAZING mums on bubhub who were teens when they had their babies I've totally changed my way of thinking and don't even think twice when somebody says or I see a teen parent.

[brogeybear]

I think you just need to really acknowlege that there are less than optimal parents across a broad range of ages. You say you acknowlege this, yet you are allowing your personal experience and anecdotal surrounds to prejudice you. Some of the most competent and attentive parents are teen parents, just as some of the most neglectful parents are supposedly accomplished, well set up people in their 30's and 40's.

[Brightsilverstar]

I think you just need to really acknowlege that there are less than optimal parents across a broad range of ages. You say you acknowlege this, yet you are allowing your personal experience and anecdotal surrounds to prejudice you. Some of the most competent and attentive parents are teen parents, just as some of the most neglectful parents are supposedly accomplished, well set up people in their 30's and 40's.

I guess seeing is believing and i am yet to see anything that you mentioned. I mean i know it exists but its still hard to believe. I wasn't saying teens are bad parents i was just asking why they would plan to be teen parents when the world has so much to offer.

I am sure there are amazing mothers on here who had bubs in their teens but unfortunately i haven't met anyone off of here, teen mum or not...

Maybe you are right Benji, maybe i look at myself and project that on all other teens.

[Milktini]

I fell pregnant with my first son at 18, had him at 19(surprise, but very wanted) and then fell pregnant with my second son(planned) at 20 and had him at 21, I was actually pregnant with my 3rd child, but it ended as an ecoptic pregnancy and had to have the baby aswell as my right tube removed via surgery.(that baby was also planned) I also have a stepson the same age as my 3yr old son. My 2 boys are from a previous relationship. 3rd pregnancy was to my now partner whom also has a son. I can honestly say with great confidence that i am a damn good mother! Upon finding out I was pregnant I gave up drinking, smoking, and my "single party life" My motherly instincts kicked in almost instantly, it was such a natural feeling for me, even though I didn't plan on becoming a mother so soon. My boys are very loved, smart and happy children - they are my world and I would never change my life and the things that it has brought for anything. I do understand the bad stigma attached to young parents, and I too find myself judging some younger mothers on decisions they make, but at the end of the day I try not to judge a parent on their age but on their parenting skills, I know alot more great young mothers then bad.

I also wanted to add that I worked up until 6months with my first pregnancy and I had since I was 15, I have my certificate 3 in Beauty Services and going on to finish my cer 4 and diploma next year, my partner, who is also my age (23) has just been accepted into the police acadmey, we are finacially stable and my children have everything the need in life, love, happiness, stability.

I hope I have helped you have a more open mind about young parents, we aren't all bad, just trying to do the best we can with what we have :)

[~Danni~]

I had my first at 18, second at 19 and my third 5 months ago at 24. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, he is a year older than me exactly to the day.

We have bought our own home (mortgaged but certainly not to the eyeballs) have 2 nice new cars owned out right, our family brings in over 100k a year, we have dirtbikes, a horse float, a trailer, our daughter has a pony, our son a dirtbike, our son needs eye surgery which we are happily paying a few k for out of pocket in a few months time, the list goes on.... hopefully that shoots down some of your pre-conceived money notions.

Our daughter (our eldest) turns 6 tomorrow, in those 6 years our children have only ever been left with someone other than my husband or myself a handfull of times, in fact I can count on my fingers and of that one was for a funeral and one to move house. Never have we left them longer than 4 hours (except now my daughter who is in prep so she is obviously at school most days, my son is in kindy but only for 4 hours three days a week) We strongly believe our children are our responsibility and are incredibly proud of how they have turned out so far. We have zero family support on either side but love that we can see exactly what we have accomplished all on our own.

We are quite strict with our children, manners are a must in this house but we also have all the time in the world to play and enjoy our kids. My husband and I do everything together with our children as a family. In 8 years I have never done the shopping alone and hubby has only gone out with a friend once in that time and was home by 10.30 after sending about 15 texts asking how the kids and I were. Neither of us smoke, I never drink and hubby maybe once every few months will have a quiet scotch at home.

We are constantly complimented on how well behaved, happy and delightful our kids are, of course this is not always the case, but kids are kids.

The only problem we have ever had from being young parents is the judgment from complete strangers. It has not happened for a couple of years now but in the early days the amount of times I was yelled at with babe in arms for being young was disgusting. Having strangers ask if I knew who fathered my children or if hubby took the kids out he would be "congratulated" for sticking about was disgusting.

We do a damn fine job, our kids are involved in two of the most expensive bl00dy activities about (horses and bikes) but we want to give them every opertunity to do things that they enjoy. My son needs expensive glasses every few months and we happily pay. We take them to museums and on day trips, we want them to experience everything we can offer them. I would kill for my kids and I would die for my kids.

The one thing I won't allow to happen is to be made to feel like a **** parent just because we had them young.

My mother and her boyfriend also have an eight year old. They live off centerlink, each leaving 6 figuer jobs to do so, smoke, drink and leave my half brother with any one and every one so as they can go out and do their thing. She is almost 50... says it all really. Funnily enough she had me at around 20 and for the first 13 years of my life was the most amazing parent ever, she is doing a far ****-ier job as she ages :rolleyes:

[Milktini]

[QUOTE=Brightsilverstar;6110666]I guess seeing is believing and i am yet to see anything that you mentioned. I mean i know it exists but its still hard to believe. I wasn't saying teens are bad parents i was just asking why they would plan to be teen parents when the world has so much to offer.QUOTE]

Most of us don't "plan" on becoming teen mothers, some do, but not all. I certainely didn't plan it, but when my only other option is abortion, then no thanks, I choose motherhood anyday :goodvibes:

[~Danni~]

I guess seeing is believing and i am yet to see anything that you mentioned. I mean i know it exists but its still hard to believe. I wasn't saying teens are bad parents i was just asking why they would plan to be teen parents when the world has so much to offer.

I am sure there are amazing mothers on here who had bubs in their teens but unfortunately i haven't met anyone off of here, teen mum or not...

Maybe you are right Benji, maybe i look at myself and project that on all other teens.

After living out of home from 15 and working full time from 15 by the time I got to 18 I was happy to settle down and make home. Although with #1 we didn't necissarily plan on bub right that second we made a concious decision to stop using protection, we fell very quickly. Same with our second and #3 was almost 12 hard months in the making. I don't feel I have missed out on a thing :goodvibes:

[Benji]

OP how old were you when you had your baby? I was 22 years old and I feel that was "too young" for me (wasn't planned but very much loved and wanted) and I'm sure a lot of others do, too. Everybody has their own ideal age for having babies, in fact, I'm certain there are probably some out there who feel that having babies in your 20s at all it "too young", my ideal would be to start having children in the 30s but that doesn't mean that anyone younger is a "bad parent" iykwim.

I believe there's a lot of idiots in this world lol (cynical much?) of all ages and yes, young people have a lot of growing to do, but heck, don't we all? I'm considered the "baby" at my workplace and I'm nearing my 30s, I swear they all think I'm a bimbo simply because I'm younger. It's all relative. And it used to be very, very normal to have children around 16-18 in Australia.

[Pinkzy]

I had my daughter when I was 18. I love her to death and worship the ground she walks on, however, I had no idea what I was in for. It was not a responsible thing to do.

I don't regret her at all for one second but I can honestly say that if I had my time again, I would of waited much, much longer. I was a baby myself when I had her :no:.

[~Danni~]

just thought I would add OP, my post is not "having a go" at any one in specific, It's just emotive for my IYKWIM. Also hrping on about the money, only because that seems to be"one of the biggest "problems" people have with us being young IRL.

Recently one of the school mums made a comment about not inviting us to something incase it put a strain on our finances, funny thing being from previous convos I know her hubby literally makes half of what mine does.

scuse bad typing babe in arms...

[dreadlockfairy]

Ideally i'd love everyone to live a full life. I guess for some people that isn't travelling, or going out with friends, or doing lots of fun things but I just wonder why would you plan to be a parent before you've had a chance to have heaps of experiences yourself.



Honestly, every single one of my 30-40 year old childless friends truly believe they still haven't lived a full life/experienced enough to settle down to have kids. For some people I don't think a life time of their own experiences is enough to satisfy.

I'm a young mum (not a teen) but I started my family young as I wanted to be a young parent. I don't think you stop having fun or experience life when you have kids.

Anyway I'm sorry OP that you know of some examples of bad teen parenting. I can't convince you teen parents are better any more than I can convince you that 20 yers olds, or 30 year olds, or 40 year olds are good parents. Because it comes down to the individual. Some people make selfish choices. It's not an age thing.

[Bell & Bug]

I was 18 when I fell pregnant to DD1, I had our second a couple of days after my 21st. Both were completely planned, I didn't feel the need to study and work on a career, I didn't NEED to work or start working on a career. I've always wanted to be a mum first and foremost and when I met DH we both just knew we were ready.
We own our house (outright) and we own everything else too. We have no debts and no money owing to anyone, not even a credit card. What ever money we earn is ours and can be used for whatever we want (once bills are paid). There is no need for me to work, and I am very happy to stay home with the kids until they are at school.
At 22 I feel as though I have accomplished my biggest goals, now its just a matter of enjoying my life for the rest of it :D

ETA: Please don't quote as I'll probably come back at a later date to remove specific details as I don't like to leave details of our financial situation out there for a long time, so I post it just for the purpose of this thread but remove when the thread dies. Thanks :)

[~Danni~]

I was 18 when I fell pregnant to DD1, I had our second a couple of days after my 21st. Both were completely planned, I didn't feel the need to study and work on a career, I didn't NEED to work or start working on a career. I've always wanted to be a mum first and foremost and when I met DH we both just knew we were ready.
We own our house (outright) and we own everything else too. We have no debts and no money owing to anyone, not even a credit card. What ever money we earn is ours and can be used for whatever we want (once bills are paid). There is no need for me to work, and I am very happy to stay home with the kids until they are at school.
At 22 I feel as though I have accomplished my biggest goals, now its just a matter of enjoying my life for the rest of it :D

ETA: Please don't quote as I'll probably come back at a later date to remove specific details as I don't like to leave details of our financial situation out there for a long time, so I post it just for the purpose of this thread but remove when the thread dies. Thanks :)

I feel the same as you :)

[The Girls Only Club]

I am a teen mum (well not anymore) I had DD1 at 16 and DD1 17 months later.
I've spent my whole life with people judging me and it no longer bothers me. I'm a damn good mother and I'm proud of it.

I've never been clubbing. It doesn't appeal to me.
I've never left the country. It doesn't appeal to me.
I don't drink. It doesn't appeal to me.
Before DD3 I worked in the school canteen and went on every excursion, helped in class.
We go on holidays yearly and have a nice tidy sum in the bank.
We don't own our own house but we move every 2-3 years so renting is easier.

DH and I have lived on our own since we were 15. His boss let us rent his house. It was damn hard at times. We were so poor that DH and I often went without food, but our kids never did. They use to have everything they ever wanted. Then we realized we were turning them into spoilt brats, now they have everything they need.
Even at the height of DH gambling problem the kids always had what they needed.
When both girls were at school I got a job and worked my way up to Manager. I returned to Tafe and now am a qualified in 2 fields, neither which appeal to me at the moment. After the birth of DD3 I still worked. I have recently quit as we moved and am taking a year off to spend with the kids. Help them settle into school and new sports. I'll return to school in the new year and work by June.

If I didn't have my children when I did my life would be 100% worse. I come from a long life of welfare recipients who have no plan to ever work. Without my kids I probably would be a junkie with 5/6 kids to as many fathers.

My life is fulfilled, I'm doing exactly what I want to do. And by the time my kids grow up and leave home I still have plenty of time to do whatever I feel like


Damn auto correct changing my spelling!!!

[Brightsilverstar]

Thanks for all your replies.

You all sound like fantastic parents and very stable. Your kids are lukcy to have you as parents!

To answer Benjis question i was 25 when i feel pregnant and 26 when i had him. I always planned to have 2 before 30 as i wanted to be old enough to have the experience but young enough to enjoy them. He was definately planned and we are planning on our 2nd at the moment.

Meggy and Danni i know financially your fine but saying by age 22 that you have accomplished your biggest goals and now your going to sit back and enjoy it for the rest of it. Do you not think life has more to offer than a family?

Benji again going back to what you said about this being a reflection of myself im thinking this is more and more true reading through these. I absolutely ADORE my son, he is the best thing ever, and yet i am still not satisfied and so maybe because of the way i was bought up i project these feelings onto teen parents. I mean if im not content and i want more, surely someone who had a baby so young has missed out on so many opportunities.

So much to ponder. I am glad you guys have replied, now i can reflect on my own thoughts and situation about why i am not satisifed with just being a parent.

x

[Bell & Bug]

Meggy and Danni i know financially your fine but saying by age 22 that you have accomplished your biggest goals and now your going to sit back and enjoy it for the rest of it. Do you not think life has more to offer than a family?
It does, just because I've accomplished the things I set out to accomplish in life doesn't mean I won't take other life opportunities, its just now I can take it as it comes without feeling like I have to continue along a certain road to accomplishments.

[~Danni~]

Meggy and Danni i know financially your fine but saying by age 22 that you have accomplished your biggest goals and now your going to sit back and enjoy it for the rest of it. Do you not think life has more to offer than a family?


x

At this point in time I have zero want to do anything else. That may very well change over time but I don't see what options would close up soley based on having children IYKWIM?

ETA - I also can't see anything that would be bigger or better than having my children, they are my hugest source of joy and I could never accomplish anything more amazing than them :) I also realise my feelings about this may all change as I grow ;)

[Brightsilverstar]

It does, just because I've accomplished the things I set out to accomplish in life doesn't mean I won't take other life opportunities, its just now I can take it as it comes without feeling like I have to continue along a certain road to accomplishments.

Good point :) There are probably millions of people wishing they were in your position.

My hubby and i are stable, we're in our late 20's, we have our son who has just turned 1. We both work in high paying jobs and yet we still have debt (mortgage). So Dan you are better off than us :)

[Brightsilverstar]

Sitting here and trying to be honest with myself and i am going to try really hard not to judge any teen mums. I am not going to lie to you and say yep im cured because im sure if i saw a young teen with a baby and smoking/dressed really provocatively/talking about how she never wants to work etc then im sure my initial reaction will be to judge her harshly. If that happens i hope my 2nd reaction could be thinking she is doing her very best and you never know what happens behind closed doors.

You guys are all doing so fabulously and i wish i knew some teens mums just like you guys. :highfive:

[Brightsilverstar]

I had my daughter when I was 18. I love her to death and worship the ground she walks on, however, I had no idea what I was in for. It was not a responsible thing to do.

I don't regret her at all for one second but I can honestly say that if I had my time again, I would of waited much, much longer. I was a baby myself when I had her :no:.

Sorry i missed this initially, but thank you so much for your honesty. I guess this is how i would feel and so i thought maybe other teen mums might've felt the same in which instead of judging the teen mums who plan bubs harshly (they never want to work, they're going to end up with heaps of kids to different fathers) maybe i can think that some didn't know and probably would've waited given the chance

x

[Elijahs Mum]

I'm by no means a young mum but just in regards to the accomplishing goals topic, I have travelled the world a few times, have had a successful career and have owned my own business for the last 5 years, own my own home etc but the day I had my son was absolutely by far the best accomplishment and highlight of my life, none of the other stuff matters, family is everything, i admire both Meggy and Danni for being so in control if their life and emotions at what I think is a young age :)

[Brightsilverstar]

I'm by no means a young mum but just in regards to the accomplishing goals topic, I have travelled the world a few times, have had a successful career and have owned my own business for the last 5 years, own my own home etc but the day I had my son was absolutely by far the best accomplishment and highlight of my life, none of the other stuff matters, family is everything, i admire both Meggy and Danni for being so in control if their life and emotions at what I think is a young age :)

Do you think you would've been able to appreciate you family with the same gusto you do now if you didn't have as many experiences/achievements/adventures???

[MunchiesMummy]

Hmmm Im not really going to try to convince you of anything as I am not a teen mum.

I think you just need to realise that not everyone that is young is the same - they are all individual.

Not everyone sees 'success' and 'wanting more' in the same way, for some people a family IS success and thats enough - what is wrong with that :confused:

I had my first at 31 and the last well I will be 34 when pickle is born, I havent 'achieved' anything of vital significance in my life tbh, never wanted a career, never wanted to work my @ss off for loads of money - I am just happy being happy.

The best thing I have ever done in my life is having these children and being a mum - and thats enough for me.

I dont know if I am making sense but just because some people think they NEED all these goals met before they have kids - well not everyone sees it the same way - and why should they????

[Elijahs Mum]

I think I would - I never really was one of those girls that dreamt of having babies, I believe I was working and traveling so much to try and fill a void- nothing ever satisfied me, then I met DH at 36 and life became clear, then getting pregnant first try at 39 and having DS my life made sense ( if that makes any sense!)

[Brightsilverstar]

Hmmm Im not really going to try to convince you of anything as I am not a teen mum.

I think you just need to realise that not everyone that is young is the same - they are all individual.

Not everyone sees 'success' and 'wanting more' in the same way, for some people a family IS success and thats enough - what is wrong with that :confused:

I had my first at 31 and the last well I will be 34 when pickle is born, I havent 'achieved' anything of vital significance in my life tbh, never wanted a career, never wanted to work my @ss off for loads of money - I am just happy being happy.

The best thing I have ever done in my life is having these children and being a mum - and thats enough for me.

I dont know if I am making sense but just because some people think they NEED all these goals met before they have kids - well not everyone sees it the same way - and why should they????

I am not here to be convinced rather to hear stories that change my perception.

I never said anything was wrong with just wanting a family. There isn't anything wrong with that, but in my personal opinion being young how can you already be so sure that a family is all you would ever want. You can't and almost no one ever can.

I understand everyone is an individual but i was just stereotyping from my experience that teen mums seem the most, well for lack of a better work - stable and how can that be good for children.

You defiantly made sense and i hope i have made sense in my reply.

[Nazgul]

I am NOT a teen mum, I'm 24 and pregnant with my first...

IMO I think it helps with how you have been raised, my mother and sisters all had their first child ranging from 17-20 and I decided I was never to have children that young, not because they were bad parents.. Quite the opposite.. But because I know how hard they had it, even with their partners help.
When growing up you either stay the same or change for a reason.
Watching shows like 16 and pregnant you see a lot of girls who see their child as the latest "accessory" and their parents end up taking majority care of the child, but then You see the girls who grow up and do what needs to be done, work hard and do everything to make their Childs life the best to their ability.

I think saying that "teen mums are horrible" or something to that extent is a horrible stereotype and one that should be changed, same with every stereotype, just because there are a few bad eggs in the world, doesnt make everyone else in it just like them.

I know I'd be so proud of myself if I could be half or even a quarter the mother my own mother and sisters are.

[Hokey Pokey]

I think you just need to really acknowlege that there are less than optimal parents across a broad range of ages. You say you acknowlege this, yet you are allowing your personal experience and anecdotal surrounds to prejudice you. Some of the most competent and attentive parents are teen parents, just as some of the most neglectful parents are supposedly accomplished, well set up people in their 30's and 40's.

Well said!!

[MunchiesMummy]

I am not here to be convinced rather to hear stories that change my perception.

I never said anything was wrong with just wanting a family. There isn't anything wrong with that, but in my personal opinion being young how can you already be so sure that a family is all you would ever want. You can't and almost no one ever can.

I understand everyone is an individual but i was just stereotyping from my experience that teen mums seem the most, well for lack of a better work - stable and how can that be good for children.

You defiantly made sense and i hope i have made sense in my reply.

I think maybe you just need to look past some stereotypes tbh - I know some awesome teen mums / young mums.

And I honestly do believe for some people (even young people) they CAN and DO know that family is the main thing for them.

Of course there are bad teen mums, just like there are crappy older mums, you just have to believe that just because you see the 'bad' it doesnt necessarily mean there arent any success stories out there.

And sometimes I think you have a certain idea of something in your head for so long it gets hard to see positives of a certain situation because the only thing you see are the negatives.

Not having a go, I just think if I was a teen mum reading this thread I would extremely hurt and probably p1ssed off that is all.

[Brightsilverstar]

I think saying that "teen mums are horrible" or something to that extent is a horrible stereotype and one that should be changed, same with every stereotype, just because there are a few bad eggs in the world, doesnt make everyone else in it just like them.

It sounds like we have similar upbringings.

I don't think teen mums are horrible, and i knew my thinking needed to be changed. Hence this thread.

I do think stereotyping exists for a reason though. Due to basic survival. You see something you perceive as dangerous (why because you have stereotyped something) and so your flight or fight kicks in. You can't just eliminate all stereotyping. Maybe you are super human and can, but i think dealing with one issue a day for me is plenty.

[Brightsilverstar]

Not having a go, I just think if I was a teen mum reading this thread I would extremely hurt and probably p1ssed off that is all.

Actually i do think this was having a bit of a go especially since i have said my original thinking has changed.

So mods if possible can we please shut this thread down before it takes a turn for the worst. Cheers

[Hokey Pokey]

I had my first at 15, my second at 19, third at 23 and fourth at 24. We are not even 30 and will be TTC our 5th later this year.

My first was not planned but very much loved. We planned our second and third.

We struggled big time but if you could see us now you would not believe us if we told you just how tough we have done it in the past.

We have soo much life ahead of us, we won't miss out on anything. If we want to travel and see the world, we will do it later in life. Who says you have to have all the fun when your a teenager? ;)

Our children never go without. They are well dressed, well educated, their health is great and they are happy and loved :D

DH and I are very much in love, he is my soul mate :cloud9:

[Brightsilverstar]

thanks to all the helpful and sharing posters :)

[MunchiesMummy]

Actually i do think this was having a bit of a go especially since i have said my original thinking has changed.

So mods if possible can we please shut this thread down before it takes a turn for the worst. Cheers

Wow so because I say I imagine you might upset teen mums by the stuff you write I am having a go? I am bowing out here now - if you knew me at all you would know I dont go around looking for fights. BUT some of what you wrote WAS offensive. Sorry for calling you on it.

I did not mean to start the thread going downhill.

[biscotti]

I'm going to close this one, thanks to all who posted in a friendly manner :)
Cheers