Would you say something (nice advice please)

[NowWhoWantsPie?]

ok ladies i need some advice on what i know will be a touchy subject for my SIL. My brother and SIL have been together for almost 7 years, they got married mid 2009 and i suspect have been trying for a baby since then, so about 2 years, my SIL is a very large girl (approx size 24) but shows long term desier to exercise or eat healthy. At first i didn't know at all until i told them about my pregnancy, my brother was very interested to hear how long it took and what we tried and sounded very disappointed that it only took us the one try, so i asked him if they have been trying but he only said that they arn't trying but haven't been not trying either since the wedding. SIL is a lovely girl, i do feel bad that anyone who meets her would agree that she is a great person but always will say something about her weight. She won't eat fruit, she will eat some veggies but most of her diet would be crumbed lamb shanks, sausages, pasta, potato bake, cakes & slices etc. when she does decide that she will exercise, it doesn't last very long, they got a crosstrainer but it wouldn't of been used for a month before it became a clothes airer.

I feel really bad for them, as she has said something a few times about wanting a child but i don't know what to say without offending her as i do believe that losing some weight will help. i'm not expecting her to become a size 14 but even 20kg may be enough to help her fall pregnant and also pull her back from GD or worse.

[Buttoneska]

hey there, im a bigger person who is also TTC - so will share my opinion.

Honestly - she probably already knows that losing wieght could help and saying that may just make her feel crapper.

I woudl appreciate someone saying to me something along the lines of 'i know you are trying and it can be really tough etc. if you wana talk about TTC and ways/suggestions to improve chances im happy to share what info I have'

then it puts it back onto her to address it as much as she wants to.

you could maybe suggest goign to gp or natural dr?

sorry i can't quite tell from your post are you pregnant now or was that from your first pregnancy? and if not are you TTC agian in november this year?

you could maybe mention to her that you are wanting to make sure you are in shape for when you TTC number 2 and will doing (walking/swimming etc?) and if she ever feels like tagging along she is welcome.

She probably be glad someone wants to know and help her, but it can be harder as a big person to accept that help and not feel like you are being told your too fat. IYKWIM?

[dreadlockfairy]

I wouldn't say ANYTHING about her weight. It's such a sensitive topic for any woman on any day of the week, TTC or not.

I would assume as they may have been trying for a while and not conceiving that your SIL would have read up about issues that could get in the way. Surely she knows her weight *may* be an issue. I know you are trying to help, but it's not up to you to address her weight.

[NowWhoWantsPie?]

Thank you for your post.

I completely agree that saying something head on will cause some friction and make her feel bad.

I'm not pregnant now, it's november this year that we are ttc but i'm not allowed to tell anyone (DP never sees my BH :laughing:) so i know if i tell her then she will tell my brother, my brother will tell my mum and then everyone will know.

I also live on the otherside of town, but i think i could offer the advise you said about asking her if she wants any info on ttc etc. but i couldn't really be her walking buddy, i would really like to and we do plan to move march next year closer to their way so could offer then.

I think i will say the same to my brother, so that he is there to support her.

[The sooper nanny]

I wouldn't be saying anything either, I'm sure she feels self conscious enough.. I would recommend she see her gp for advice, let the personal stuff come from a medical person, and just be there for moral support if she wants it


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[Stumbleine]

hey there, im a bigger person who is also TTC - so will share my opinion.

Honestly - she probably already knows that losing wieght could help and saying that may just make her feel crapper.

I woudl appreciate someone saying to me something along the lines of 'i know you are trying and it can be really tough etc. if you wana talk about TTC and ways/suggestions to improve chances im happy to share what info I have'

then it puts it back onto her to address it as much as she wants to.

you could maybe suggest goign to gp or natural dr?

sorry i can't quite tell from your post are you pregnant now or was that from your first pregnancy? and if not are you TTC agian in november this year?

you could maybe mention to her that you are wanting to make sure you are in shape for when you TTC number 2 and will doing (walking/swimming etc?) and if she ever feels like tagging along she is welcome.

She probably be glad someone wants to know and help her, but it can be harder as a big person to accept that help and not feel like you are being told your too fat. IYKWIM?

I agree with all of this and was doing to post the same response :) Being a bit of a "bigger" girl (size 16 or 18 when pregnant) I think you really need to be tactful about how you broach the subject with people who may be more sensitive about their weight.

I would leave it to her GP or fertility specialist if she ends up seeing one to put it to her that she will most likely need to think about losing weight if she wants to have a baby.

If you are close to your SIL and can bring up the topic of TTC and at the time you feel you could bring up the weight topic without offending or upsetting her then go for it. Its too hard to say on a forum without being in your specific relationship with your SIL the best way to go about it aside from the advice already given :)

[Stumbleine]

I wouldn't be saying anything either, I'm sure she feels self conscious enough.. I would recommend she see her gp for advice, let the personal stuff come from a medical person, and just be there for moral support if she wants it


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:yes: This was what I was just typing :)

[NowWhoWantsPie?]

Thank you ladies, i do understand it is a very touchy subject for most.

I know she is aware of her weight, she actually makes jokes about her weight. one being that she (her words not mine) "was too fat for the wheelchair that the dr gave her when she twisted to ankle that she broke it and had to wait at the shopping centre on the floor until a staff brought their one).

I would never say "oh i think you need to lose weight to fall pregnant" or anything like that.

But by offering her advise like pp said, not only to her but to my brother as well, i do think she would like to know. She is either working or out having dinner, she spends very little time on computers or reading magazine so i don't think she is reading the info that she should be.

[Pajamarama]

Yep, I would say nothing at all about her weight. Trust me - she will already know!

And also, never assume someone's weight issues are solely due to diet/exercise or lack thereof. What she eats/does may not be helping her, but there may be other underlying medical or psychological issues contributing to weight gain.

Maybe just find some info on charting and TTC (PM me if you'd like a link to a good website or some app names) so that if they're ready then they can start trying properly rather than just not not-trying IYKWIM. Or if they want to go to a Dr, offer to ask around & research to help them find a good one.


***How's my spelling? Call 1800 iPhone***

[SassyMummy]

She will absolutely know that she's bigger than average, and she will also likely be well aware that her weight may be hindering her ability to conceive.

I think saying something will do nothing productive. Fat people usually know they're fat, and being told so by others just hurts them IMO.

[Lucy in the Sky]

tbh, are you sure she would take any advice about ttc without offence? I know your brother wanted info from you, but i wouldnt presume their knowledge on the subject is equal. she might be very well read on the subject. people keep these topics very close to their heart. you say she doesnt spend much time on the internet or reading, but that is only as far as you know! you dont know what she surfs on the net when she is on, or what books she might have secretly bought and keep beside her bed.

And as someone who fell pregnant first try, you don't have any personal knowledge/experience to pass on about ttc, just the same second hand info that she has access to through internet, books, her gp.

I would be very wary of giving ANY advice about ttc unless she specifically asked you for it. I know you mean well, and want your brother and SIL to be happy, but you are in danger of offending her if she's had trouble ttc and you didn't!

I personally would give NO advice unless directly asked. Just be a supportive shoulder to lean on!

[Boobycino]

^^^ yeah I agree I wouldn't be giving any advice on a subject like TTC unless specifically asked 'what do you think I should do?'

I wouldn't even take the mention of TTC as an opportunity to offer advice.

TTC is hard enough without 'well meaning advice'.

Just my opinion :)

[saltygirl]

She will absolutely know that she's bigger than average, and she will also likely be well aware that her weight may be hindering her ability to conceive.

I think saying something will do nothing productive. Fat people usually know they're fat, and being told so by others just hurts them IMO.

This

Just don't say anything IMO.

[Benji]

I agree with stumbline - leave the advice to her doctor. We have no idea what is causing their problems with conceiving, that's why people are referred to as "fertility specialists" and they most certainly do not include people like you and I.

[Atlantic Puffin]

hey there, im a bigger person who is also TTC - so will share my opinion.

Honestly - she probably already knows that losing wieght could help and saying that may just make her feel crapper.

I woudl appreciate someone saying to me something along the lines of 'i know you are trying and it can be really tough etc. if you wana talk about TTC and ways/suggestions to improve chances im happy to share what info I have'

then it puts it back onto her to address it as much as she wants to.

you could maybe suggest goign to gp or natural dr?

sorry i can't quite tell from your post are you pregnant now or was that from your first pregnancy? and if not are you TTC agian in november this year?

you could maybe mention to her that you are wanting to make sure you are in shape for when you TTC number 2 and will doing (walking/swimming etc?) and if she ever feels like tagging along she is welcome.

She probably be glad someone wants to know and help her, but it can be harder as a big person to accept that help and not feel like you are being told your too fat. IYKWIM?


I have to agree...........

Also... I wasn't HUGE, but was def bigger before falling pg... I think if you really, REALLY want it, you make the change....

Its easy to say, if you loose weight and do this and that and what ever.... BUT unless its something your reallllllllyyyyy want, you're not going to put in the time and effort and persist.

It remains unsaid but is a huge thing, being healthy BEFORE getting pg is so important....... I would do what Buttons suggested.... Perhaps invite her along for a walk in the park or at the beach or what ever..... Just anything to make that start with her... I think starting is the hardest part.

I found that when I wasn't completely committed I would just exercise willy nilly, but when I decided it was a priority in my life I made changes and was preg within 2 months of doing daily exercise, changing my diet, and seeing a natropath.

[lilypily]

Fertility is so much more than weight. It would be nice to pin point it as the inhibiting factor but in reality there could be a whole lot more going on so maybe suggest a trip to a fertility specialist.

[dancingbutterfly]

I agree, as a long term TTCer advice is a frustrating thing at times. You sound like you really want to support them which is beautiful.

I recommend just being there for them. Let them talk about what they want. X

[VicPark]

I wouldn't say anything. She's a grown adult if she is having trouble conceiving she would know to go to a doctor. If she wants to talk shell say something to you.

[LifeInShadesOfGrey]

I agree that she already knows and there isn't the need to tell her. I am that size (due to my own body issues) however I ended up falling pregnant. I did have a rough pregnancy and would like to be lighter for the next one. I would say maybe ask her if she would like to go walking with you one time, try and encourage it more then tell her what she needs to do.

[OJandMe]

I disagree. It's your brother, and if he's wanting to have a baby then maybe saying to HIM, that if he could put some support in place for SIL to lose weight it might help them conceive. He might not know that stuff. And she might not either. But make it discreet and don't say anything to her, but I would talk to him. He's your brother and you should be able to. it effects him to, this is his family he's wanting to start, and honestly, your SIL should be taking losing the weight seriously if she wants a baby. Maybe your brother can say something to her, or they can join a gym together.... or start doing walking together.....

What is his shape like? It's about setting up a healthy family attitude to food and exercise before a baby comes along. I'd say something to my brother about it.

My MIL is really blunt and would just say "If you want to get pregnant, lose weight. You won't fall pregnant being that big"..... but she's just like that.

[Californication]

I thought I has read this before! Old thread.