attachment parenting and FDC

[frostymum]

How do you combine day care with attachment parenting successfully?
My 5.5 mo DD is fully breastfed and co-sleeps or sleeps in a cot next to my bed. She is kind of a high needs bub, plus has reflux, so she is used to being worn or carried most of the day, and has never been away from me for more than 1 hour. I never leave her to cry either.
Unfortunately I have to go back to work for money reasons, and yesterday was DD's first day at FDC. DD was happy to stay there yesterday, but when I went to pick her up she was screaming, and I think had been for a while. The carer said she would calm when picked up, but that "she couldn't get into that habit with her". She did have two sleeps, but only drank 100ml EBM all day. This morning DD was happy to stay again and I left my sling with her, but the carer said the same thing again. I realise with 4 other kids my DD can't constantly be in the carers arms, but I hate the thought of her screaming for ages. We only have 2 FDC in this town and there are no other options for day care unfortunately.
How have other people coped?

[bumMum]

Basically attachment or not I don't think your family day care lady knows what she is doing. I have worked in regular long day cares and never would we leave a little baby to cry. Sometimes we would literally carry a baby all day if they wouldn't settle. Any baby under 6 months particularly. I practice my own kind of parenting lol but it is kind of attachment style I would say. I also am returning to work soon, leaving my 4 and a half month old. I did ask about combining work and attachment parenting on here a while ago. A few people said it can't be done but the majority agreed it works if the carer practices your style of parenting and your child has a good bond with them. Fortunately my kids just stay with daddy while I work. If I were you I would look at any other child care facility. Don't automatically dismiss long day care either.sometimes those ladies are actually more trained and experienced.

[brogeybear]

Um, she can wear your DD. Can you look into hiring a mummy nanny or something instead?

[frostymum]

I'm not sure if what I am doing is attachment parenting, I just do what feels right for me, but probably the nearest thing to describe it is AP :).

On a positive note DD wasn't crying when I picked her up, they had her outside watching the dogs, but as soon as she saw me she started crying. I asked if she cried much during the day and they said she was good in the morning, until they tried to give her milk in a sippy cup, then she started screaming. She only drank 50 ml all day :( and had a couple of short naps - 30-40 mins. We had quite a traumatic start to feeding DD and as a result she is averse to anything being put in her mouth, but we have got her to happily take a sippy cup over the last month. I am planning on feeding her each lunch time myself, so at least she will get one feed.

I think she is held when she's really upset, but left if she is grizzling. Only problem is DD goes from a little grizzle to full blown screaming very quickly, even when she is being held. Up until about 6 weeks ago DD was very unsettled and would scream for about half an hour a couple of times a day. I've been concentrating on making sure she is getting good naps in and we are doing the NCSS and she has improved. The carer has made it clear she won't wear her or carry her constantly though. She does have some experience with childcare - she was a mothercraft nurse, but I think she is very much from the 4 hourly feeds and cry it out school.

Reading all this back, DD probably isn't ready for daycare, but unfortunately there isn't any other option unless we let our house get repossessed. A nanny sounds expensive, and I'm not sure if we could find one in the country, the nearest long day care is in the next town and is a 50 minute round trip from us and when my working hours are 8.30 am-5.30, it makes it into a very long day for DD, but it is an option.

Once she has a feed, so far DD has been happy after her days in day care. I'll give it a few more weeks and see how she goes I guess before we make a decision.

Thanks for your suggestions :)

[Majestic Hiss]

Hey frostymum

That must be stressful for you - I also consider myself an APer, and I am already concerned about my DS when I go back to work.

It does sound like the family daycarer doesn't have the same attitude towards parenting as you do. I think, you could try talking to her, and just explain how important it is to you that your DD isn't left to cry on the floor. Perhaps you could ask that she gets carried/worn at least in the interim while she is settling in? Although my guess is it wouldn't make much difference. Maybe you do need to look into other options such as long daycare. Even if it's a long drive there and back, it's worth it if she is happier.

Or, maybe give it time and your DD might settle in a bit more? I honestly don't know what I would do.

It totally sucks that you, and I both have to go back to work, doesn't it?

[Boobycino]

I'd personally be looking at a different FDC or looking at possibly like a mummy nanny or nanny share arrangement if that's at all affordable to you.

She sounds very 'old school' not wanting to start a habit by offering a very young baby physical comfort when she's settling in.

I'd be talking to her about it. But if she has no interest in meeting your and your babies needs I'd be looking at a different carer.

[MsMummy]

I went through exactly the same issue when I put my son in fdc at 3 months. It's pretty awful. Hugs.

I honestly don't know what else you can do if you can't find another carer.

sorry, not helpful but just wanted to empathise.

[frostymum]

Thanks every one for the replies! Majestic Hiss and MsMummy - it is soo hard isn't it? MsMummy what did you end up doing?

Boobycino what is a mummy nanny - another mum who is willing to look after another bub?

We live in a small conservative country town, so the way I parent is quite different from the norm. No one can understand why I don't just put DD in her cot and close the door til she goes to sleep :eek:. I know the other FDC in town is the same, a friend went to pick her baby up and she said there were a couple of babies crying, the carer said to her ""öh they'll be right, they've got to learn". My friend thought that was really good!

I'll see how dd goes over the next couple of weeks, hopefully she will settle in a bit more. HAving her in FDC so close to home means I can see her at lunch to feed her which is important to me, but if travelling to another centre is going to be best, we'll have to see what we can do.

The only positive thing I'm taking from this at the moment is that so far she is her normal self once she is home and fed - if she was upset when she got home I hate to think how much more of a wreck I would be. Hopefully I can get to my ABA grp next week and have a talk to them, they are cool :)

[Boobycino]

Yep - exactly. So usually a mum with one child at home. Depends on where you live or I guess what the mummy nanny expects. They are usually a little to a lot less than a regular nanny (so like between $12-$20 an hour) and then they can register with family assistance office as a 'registered childcare provider' - give you receipts and you can claim back the child care benefit (so a couple of hours per hour back) not the rebate unfortunately.

But it could be ideal if you find an AP mummy - or at least a mum who doesn't believe bubs need to break the habit of crying when they are upset.

It's still an expensive option compared to regular childcare/FDC though.

Are there other FDCers in the area?

Sounds like you're area though may not be great for it :(

[twotrunks]

Is putting your house on the market an option? Perhaps if you sold you could rent, then might not have to work so much? Cause otherwise it sounds like ya re stuck with Fdc, which means your bub is not going to be cared for as you what her to be.
We are selling and have found it a better optn than getting repossessed, plus we end up with more money from rent assistance from govt and cheaper rent.

[frostymum]

We actually thought about putting our house on the market, we had it revalued, and it was valued at the same price we bought it for 2 years ago (and we'd negotiated the price we paid down a fair bit). Houses round here are taking years to shift :(. We bought right b4 we found out we both needed surgery and then IVF to conceive - if we'd known, we probably wouldn't have bought. Also thought about us renting a little old cottage and renting our house out, but the real estate guy wasn't very encouraging about that.
I've been thinking more about long day care in the next town, at least all the babies are together and so have similar requirements. I did have a place in one and I liked the carers there (was really lucky as waiting lists for any sort of care are really long), but I gave it up when I got the FDC spot. We'll stick it out a few more weeks and see, but I might ring the LDC and see if our spot is still there in case

[frostymum]

Just a quick update:
I had a phonecall out of the blue yesterday from a LDC the next town up the highway offerring DD a place. I hadn't bothered chasing them up coz they had a 10 month waiting list and I got offered other places in the meantime. I went in to see them yesterday and they seem very nice. They are happy to rock DD to sleep and if they have an unsettled baby they will carry them all day if need be. They are also happy to do BLW, although they don't know much about it. They also have very long opening hours, so DH can drop DD off and pick up rather than me having to drive an extra 90 plus mins a day. on the negative side it is a very long day for DD (11 hours away from home) and I won't be able to BF her at lunch time if she goes there.

My friend has leant me a baby swing to take to FDC tomorrow, and I'll have a big talk to the carer, and make a decision after seeing how dd goes

[twotrunks]

That's great news that you have another option! And it sounds Like they are much more flexible. As always for us working nuns there are pros and cons to both, it's so difficult.