Terrified of the idea of a second bub?

[Kooglekat]

Hi Ladies,

I was after some advice from all of the mums who tend toward natural parenting.

My DS is now 9 months and DH is starting to talk about TTC in the next couple of months. I thought that I would be ok with this time frame but the idea of another baby makes me feel a bit sick!

I feel like DS takes up almost all of my time and energy due to the way we have chosen to parent. He still needs help with getting to sleep most of the time, sometimes we have day naps together in our bed. He still feeds a couple of time overnight and comes into our bed at some stage most nights. We never leave him to cry and he still breastfeeds on demand. I am more than happy to do all this but I can't imagine how I would be able to meet his needs with a newborn? I struggle with the house as it is and feel stretched to capacity. I feel like I would have to neglect either DS or the newborn and it is stressing me out!!

When I imagine a new baby I almost feel resentful towards it for taking me away from DS, which is totally crazy I know :(

Is this abnormal, did anyone else feel like this? How did you cope with number two?

[wrena]

My DD is the same age and I've just started getting clucky, although I'm not even fertile yet! Of course you would have at least 9 months until the newborn came along and by then your DS would be walking and down to one nap but would also still be such a little baby in so many ways. I think it would be tough but doable but it really doesn't sound like you're ready or keen. The reason I want a minimum two year age gap is so that DD doesn't have to wean too young if my milk dries up when pregnant. I don't know if this is a concern for you? Also, a longer age gap is physically better for you and the next baby. Of course, a small age gap can be good for helping siblings bond and play together.
Sorry for the ramble and my lack of relevant experience.
I hope someone has some words of wisdom to help you out.
It sounds like you're an amazing mama and your DS and babes to be are very lucky :)

[BabushkaMumma]

I feel like DS takes up almost all of my time and energy due to the way we have chosen to parent. He still needs help with getting to sleep most of the time, sometimes we have day naps together in our bed. He still feeds a couple of time overnight and comes into our bed at some stage most nights. We never leave him to cry and he still breastfeeds on demand. I am more than happy to do all this but I can't imagine how I would be able to meet his needs with a newborn? I struggle with the house as it is and feel stretched to capacity. I feel like I would have to neglect either DS or the newborn and it is stressing me out!!

When I imagine a new baby I almost feel resentful towards it for taking me away from DS, which is totally crazy I know :(

Is this abnormal, did anyone else feel like this? How did you cope with number two?

Hello!

I couldve written that when DD was that age (it was when the sleep / teething took a major turn for the worse).

I was in fear, genuine fear of falling pregnant, I could not imagine devoting my attention and love to anything else at the time other than my high needs yet delightful child.

Thankfully I didn't have to worry as my body naturally spaced our children, I didn't get AF till 19 months and I didn't fall pregnant until DD was 22 months.

Even then, I was happy but I cried because I was heartbroken that DD wasn't my only one now, I had to share my time with another and that made me upset, I cried about it for some weeks. I know that I'll cry about it leading up to this ones birth too, because I know her time as a single child will be coming to an end.

I think because I gave so much energy (as all new mums do, but certainly more energy at night) I didn't know where I could find more for the belly babe...but I know I will..

For now, DD is still my baby who is fed to sleep, cuddled at night and sleeps in my bed and I'm so grateful we parent this way as soon enough, she'll be out of our bed and in with her sister and I'll miss them both.

Yes, how you feel is perfectly normal! If you would rather wait, then don't feel rushed.I am sooo glad for my gap as I have spent nearly 3 years of one on one time with DD when belly babe comes..

But, If it happened soon, I'm sure id get over the shock and still feel / act the same way..

[heeeeerekittykitty]

Hi kooglekat :waves:

Well you know me well enough to know how I parent and as you know , I also have two babies 14 Months apart . I wanted that age gap and began ttc straight after DS was born , but wanting to conceive again so soon didn't make me any less scared of taking time away from DS He's a crap sleeper as you know , I still spend alot of my days and nights trying to put him to sleep or feeding him he's bottle etc ( our bonding time ) and I wasn't willing to compromise on that and have DS suffer just because another baby came along .

It really has all worked out though , and you just manage ! I know the whole " you just manage " line is a hollow statement with no consolation to someone when they have fears so I'll explain how it all works out for me .

DS at 14 months was still a baby himself when DD was born but there's really no way I could have predicted how much more independent he would come in regards to independent play , enjoying tv more etc so that gave some free time to" fit" the other baby in . Now that DS is only on one nap a day that's only one time during the day that I had to devote to putting him to sleep . So I make sure the baby is fed and not tired and put her at my feet in the bouncer playing with her making faces , singing to her etc while I cuddle DS to sleep or feed him he's bottle while he watches cartoons . When I need to put DD to sleep I keep DS entertained with something he loves , or food , a treat/lolly or a " naughty " item that he normally isn't allowed to play with ( like something dear to me lol !!) so it keeps him riveted :-) . Then I push her back and forth to sleep in the pram near him so he's still got my company .

Bed times I find aren't the same time at this age , DD's is about 6 pm and DS's is later so I can help each of them off to bed with my DH's help but I can also do it on my own no problem if he isn't here , I walk DD around the house to put her to sleep by rocking her in my arms, DS plays around me or I take him to my room let him jump all over the bed and rock DD while playing with him . If DD is very overtired and needs dark / quiet DH will take over or look after DS . They get bathed together , I jump in to hold DD and DS splashes around us. Later in the evening my nights are free to cuddle DS to sleep on the couch or in my bed .

DS still wakes for feeds as does DD . I'm just like a yo yo all night in-between them both . If they clash though I will put DD in the bouncer and lean down to feed her the bottle while DS lays across my legs drinking he's bottle or I'll just fit DS onto the couch with us and cuddle him back to sleep with one arm i know this sounds chaotic but it's really not that bad once your used to it ! DS now has taken to co sleeping thank god, the first year he seemed to want and like he's own space but now likes it , so I'll often have him in the bed with me too . Sometimes he'll wake and cry because I'm out in the lounge with DD but that's when DH has to wake up and help god forbid ( he's a great help bar night times ) . Or I'll come back in the room and finish feeding DD on the bed so DS knows I'm close .

I guess the point I'm trying to make with this ramble is that I won't have DS suffering and not getting the cuddles, nurturing and responsiveness I've always given him because DD is now here nor will I not give that same attention to DD because I now have two kids not one, I just try my hardest :-) it's not always easy but in all honestly , besides from some tough days it's really not all that hard either , especially not as hard as people made out it would be seeing as they knew DS was alot of work and said the whole " you'll see, you won't cuddle him to sleep anymore , you won't have the time , you'll let him cry blah Blah " rubbish .

During the days between sleep times they are both just included together in everything no matter how simple, DD watches me feed DS , watches me playing with DS or watches him being silly and the times he's doing he's own thing I get extra special one on one time with DD .

Your an amazing mum , so loving and devoted .....have a baby only when you feel ready and have faith in yourself that when you do , you'll make it work . And if you struggle to cope there are many avenues of support like friends , your partner , family , your doctor, bubhub, mothers groups etc .

As both the kiddies routines change I'm sure I'll have more challenges but I'll just try to adapt as best I can ! When DD is abit older if she wants to co sleep I'll buy a bigger bed , and I'll still just try to give them as much love as I can ! DS still loves cuddles . Is a mummy's boy and clingy at times but he's also becoming an independent little man more and more everyday .

I can't comment on the breast-feeding as I've formula fed both my kids but I'm sure you'll get some good advice re- that part :-)

Housework / cooking etc - DEAD LAST on my priorities list ! I'm nor going to let these precious years pass me by in order to have a sparking house or give DH a gourmet meal every night . I do what I have to do to get by , I'd much rather be on
the floor playing with my kids as when they are off to school * sob* I'll be wishing these years back :-) hopefully by then I'll have a third hehe

All the best KK . Love kitty xo

Love kitty xoxo
Me <3 Dh

DS - 19 months
DD - 5 months
2 darling kitty cats

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Me <3 Dh

DS - 19 months
DD - 5 months
2 darling kitty cats

[MrsBeee]

I'm not much help as I don't have a small gap, but my advice would be if you're not ready, wait. I definitely wasn't ready when DD was 9 months, like you I had no idea how I would be able to split my time between two, breastfeed two etc etc. so we waited. When DD started sleeping overnight and decided to stop feeding quite so much, and started playing a lot more independently, then I decided I was ready to start trying again. I'm glad we waited as we pretty much fell PG straight away. We'll have a 25 month gap between our two bubs, and I'm happy with that, I feel like I'll have more time to devote to the new babe, as DD doe entertain herself more now.
Good luck with whatever you decide, I'm sure you will be fine either way!

[missie_mack]

I absolutely felt like this- hence I have almost 5 years between my bubbas and it suits me to a tee. Everyone is different, follow your instincts. Adding to a family really (for us at least) had to consider everyones needs...

[heeeeerekittykitty]

.....

Sorry , error


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Me

[Kooglekat]

Thank you so much everyone, that makes me feel much more normal!

Wrena - thanks for your post :hugs: that's another good point, I don't know if I would be happy to force weaning to conceive again. And no AF on the scene yet.

Babushka - thanks for sharing that, I can imagine I'll feel the same when the time comes

Kitty you are amazing!! Thank you for taking the time to reply when you are so busy :hugs: Your post made me tired just reading it lol! I really don't think I am good enough at this to be able to do the juggling act and stay sane! I am terrible for fretting about the housework and getting meals for DH as well.

MrsBeee and missie I think you are both right on the money really, just not ready to think about it.

The other thing weighing on my mind is the fact that we lost our first DS later in the pregnancy. What if the same happened and it took years and years to have a second, would I then regret waiting? Anyway lots to think about, thanks again for your advice

xxx

[decemberbubba]

Hi Kooglekat,

I have no advice, but am in a similar position and was going to start a similar thread so will be keeping an eye on this thread! DH keeps asking when we're having the next one - I keep telling him when DS (8 months) starts sleeping more than 2 hours in a row! I really wanted my kids close together - we were going to start trying for number 2 in a couple of months, but I don't think I can handle the needs of a baby that doesn't sleep at night and a newborn. I'm scared I won't be able to give both of them what they need. Then part of me thinks why not - I'm up half the night anyway with DS, might as well get the sleepless nights over and done with all at once!

Kitty - you sound like an amazing mum, an inspiration for sure!

[Kooglekat]

Hi Kooglekat,

I have no advice, but am in a similar position and was going to start a similar thread so will be keeping an eye on this thread! DH keeps asking when we're having the next one - I keep telling him when DS (8 months) starts sleeping more than 2 hours in a row! I really wanted my kids close together - we were going to start trying for number 2 in a couple of months, but I don't think I can handle the needs of a baby that doesn't sleep at night and a newborn. I'm scared I won't be able to give both of them what they need. Then part of me thinks why not - I'm up half the night anyway with DS, might as well get the sleepless nights over and done with all at once!

Kitty - you sound like an amazing mum, an inspiration for sure!

It's a tricky one isn't it? Having two close in age is a nice idea in theory, but the logistics of it are a bit overwhelming!

It's funny how it's DH, who goes to work and sleeps all night, that is keen on having another one!!

[proud-mum]

I just want to say that I totally feel you and I really don't think you should have another baby until *you* are ready!!! Some babies are more demanding than others and if you genuinely feel that your baby still needs all of your attention whilst he is still a baby then wait! :) I honestly have seen that some parents are having babies closer together than they are ready for and I honestly don't think that is not fair on the baby or Mum and it just creates a lot of stress for all. I say enjoy the precious time you have with your little darling whilst they are so needing you still and once you think they have found some more independancy and you're ready for a child that is when I say you should go for it :) I know myself with my little man I feel like I am nooo where near ready for another and am so excited to spend much more time (I think I'll be going for about a 3 - 4 year gap) with just my little man one on one as I know how much he still needs me 100% through this time in his life (he breastfeeds every 2 hours, needs help settling, co-sleeps, takes up ALL my time - I think you get it now hehe ;))

Good luck with your decision!


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