Mother-in-law problems

[Nikki_B]

Has anyone else had problems with their mother-in-laws? I know I'm not the only one bbut I'm started to get exhausted trying to deal with her.

Firstly she didn't like the names my partner and I had picked. As we didn't know the sex we had John Anthony after my grandfather and brother, Jacelyn Ann for a girl. She said John was too common and Jacelyn was too hard for her to learn.

Secondly she decided that my partner and I were getting married even though we didn't feel ready. We do love each other but my partner has already had a failed marriage which has kept him away from his son.

When my MIL comes to visit she wants me to wake my daughter up so she can spend time with her.

I have tried telling her that Jacelyn is my daughter and I have set ideas on how I want her to be. My MIL is a nurse and makes me feel inferior and I don't know what I'm doing. How do I convince her she has nothing to worry about?

Any idea would be greatly appreciated

[fran]

I can totally relate to having a somewhat overbearing MIL. In the main they are trying to be helpful, but they often forget that their experience is 20-40 years out of date.

Before I had Jed my MIL criticised the food I avoided 'oh I ate pate and camembert, I'm sure it's fine', also didn't like that I read so many books on childbirth and childcare 'why read a book, it's the most natural thing in the world'. Well, yes a lot is natural, but I think knowledge is power! I wouldn't start a new massively responsible job with no training.

Strange thing is that now all she does is praise me for being a fantastic Mum. I think I've kind of proved that I can do it, and yes with a little help from her. I found the easiest way to cope with her was to ask her trivial questions, say how helpful she was and what a wonderful Mum she was to bring two fabulous boys into the world. Well my husband is a total star, and if I have a little twinkle in my eye for the rest of it...well never mind!!

Good luck XX

[Miss_Vicki]

When i was with jazzlynn's sperm dad his mum would allways interfrear even before i feel prego , i rember once her son an i went out on a big niteon the town as we would on fridays an or sats, anyways we Both we workin 40 hrs or so a week at the time so we got a bit behinfe in the house work i was sound asleep lol Pretty hung over an sick Anyways she knocked on door , well she recon she did i never herd her an so they they ended up braking into the house when she found me in bed she ripped of the blankets an pulled me outa bed , I controld not to hit her.. she started screamin at me callin me some of th most derogertry names, it ****ted me i almot called the cops,,

Milds think the rule u when they date their sons GRR ..around that time we broke up I was sick of her tellin him i wasnt good enougf an so on an his mental **** .. was upart for a week or so less mabie , anyway i feel prego few weeks later Any way she started tellin jhim it wasnt his kid an not to help me azn Dont let her get money for it , it drove me batty plus the stuff he did , anyways Of months an months or her not sayin it was he she paif the mo for a lawer an got a dna test , As soon as she was born u could tell she wqs His daughter , But still he went ahead, i laugfed so hard when it was, He still belives u can get prego for sharein a bed with a man (thats why he thoght i wasnt his LOL)

sorry jsut wanted to bable mil sick Id never get married Or date a guy that was to close to him mum after that
im used to not havin much family suport so no biggy ,

i think u need to set her straight , They nuffin wrong with sujestion things as she is was a mum
but she gota rember She is the gran mother YOU the parents

[noniandlilysmum]

Hi there Nikki, My husband and I are having problems at the moment because of my MIL... Friday nights she has our girls for a couple of hours as my husband and I have music lessons... So when I go to pick them up she will have not listened to a word I have said about what the girls can or cannot do, eat, drink etc etc. My younger one will come home with an attitude at 4 years of age... And only thanks to my mother in law... For instance, she has a swimming pool and as I have fair skin and so do my girls I will ask her to put sunscreen on them if I'm not there, does it get put on, No! do the hats get put on their heads, No! does she give them softdrink all day, when I have asked her not too give it to them, Yes! She will say" theres nothing wrong with my kids"... My husband drinks litres of coke each day, actually he has cut back over the last couple of weeks. But, look theres no problem if she wants to give her kids softdrink, in fact I don't mind any lollies, chocs, chips etc, in moderation, But it is just getting rediculous, I don't know how many times I have to tell her not to do something, without sounding fanatical. I know she means well, or at least I assume so, But I think I am just about fed up, and I am going to have to put her in her place, it doesn't help she has teenage daughters who will get my girls and pamper them when I am disciplining them, and when my husband just sits there and doesn't say a thing to avoid confrontation... So This is my situation, and I think it is about to change dramatically, after all, who is the parent anyway??? :confused: I hope you work out your MIL problems, I just want to let you know your not alone... :)

[rebecca]

It is so comforting to know that we are all experiencing similar issues with the MIL.
Just the other day my MIL reminded me that the baby (yet to born) is everyone's baby...I kindly reminded her that he is "MY SON" ( Our baby mine and my husbands). She has also gone on to advise me that I am to bring all of the clothes to her a few weeks prior to peanut being born so that she can prepare them for him...Like I do not know how to wash and dry and iron!
She also reminds me daily that she will be there all of the time to hold the baby and feed the baby if I have a C Section or after I have given birth...( I hope that she can breastfeed him!) I let her know that her son ( the father) will be there when I come out of the hospital and he will helping me our little one.
She too hates the names that we have picked as she wants a name that is easily pronounced...we like Ethan...how hard is that to pronounce!
My husband just says to ignore her and nod my head agreeingly...although if I let her think that all of this is OK now, I am worried that when Peanut is born that she will hold me to it! So I would rather let her know now that I will do things my way, and if I need any advice or assistance I will be sure to ask.

Thank goodness for the Forum....we can all breathe a little easiser...maybe we should let our MIL view the forum some time, so that they realise how much added stress they are causing us.....(only joking mums)

[bubhub]

Hiya - I've just been updating the server and may have lost some posts from the last couple of days. These are the only ones that I could find for this thread. Particular apologies to Rebecca who seems to have entered lots of posts recently!!

rebecca
***************
Morning All,

I read through this again today and I just wanted to clarify that I am grateful that we have family and that they are able to provide us with advice and support...it is just that some times it can be a little too much for us to cope with....so I hope that I have not seemed ungrateful or not family orientated by my comments yesterday....

Feeling a little guilty today
Bec and Peanut



noniandlilysmum
***************
I just laughed when I read the "added stress part" they(MIL) put on us... It's like they are put on this earth to make our lives hell... And when I have tried to explain to her my problems with her, she just doesn't see what all the fuss is about... When I tell her I am only having one more(baby that is), she says "No your not, you can't have an odd number, and besides they need a play mate, and 3 is a crowd"... Blah Blah Blah... Three is perfect for me, I am happy that she had 4 children, 2 of each, but I don't want four, and that's my personal choice... I am happy for anyone who has a lot of kids and whatever works for the individual, I have a friend who has 9 kids, and she is so warm and loving, but thats her and this is me... I completely understand you all and your situation, and Bec she is just like your MIL, its not my baby its everyones baby, like hell :mad: , I am so protective of my girls and when I had Lily, I made it known and still do, I gave birth to her, I am !
there when she is sick, sad, happy etc etc... She is the Grandmother and nothing more, I know she probably means well, but if the shoe was on the other foot I am sure things would be different... Take care guys, and keep happy :)

[BJelly]

Wow, you all are very patient - I suppose you don't have much choice!

I hope your partners and husbands are backing you up. You and your partners are all the heads of your own families. It's great to have Grandparents who want to have an active role with their grandkids, but it's beyond a joke if they aren't protecting them from the sun - that's a legacy I'm sure the kids won't thank them for - when it comes to safety - you can't pussy foot around.

If I was to put in my 2 cents, it would to be firm but fair with your MIL's. You need to set the rules - and you and your partners need to agree what your limits are and stick to them - be a team. If you and your partner like a name, don't let anyone else put you off - you can't please everyone.

These women sound like they are used to calling the shots ... now it's your turn. Be nice,(so no shouting or anything) but be firm. If they continue to not listen to you, then maybe you need to stop visiting so often. If they do the right thing, then increase the visits back to normal.

I've learnt from long experience from having a controlling mother, that it does no good to give into people like that - you'll never get it right in their eyes. It takes time to train people to treat you with respect, but it's worth it in the end.

I wish you all the best and that it all works out for everybody. :)

[noniandlilysmum]

It's funny you know, because I actually have been that upset with my MIL lately that I have stopped going over there a bit... She rang this morning, and I have this terrible head cold, where I just felt awful, I couldn't even take my 7 year old to school, I felt that bad... And when she rang I thought I could really do with the help, but for some reason, I just said no when she offered... She just does things to frustrate me... One day I was on the net and she rang me on my mobile phone, and was like " are you hooked up to the internet" and I was like yeah!!! She said well I better let you go then, and hung up, within seconds, my husband got a phone call from his mother saying " Haana is on the internet" He was like, " I know I am with her "... Like what was that??? It is so hard to really like her, when she is making my life so difficult... Another time, her 12 year old daughter needed a hat as she had lost hers(for school) and I was like I only have one other but it has banana on it( I have a typical 7 yr old), It needed a wash I told her, she was like it will be fine... So sure enough I packed it to give to her at school, and as I was running late (one of the cons of owning your own business) She had given me a call where are you, I was like I will be there shortly, on my way to school I noticed she had drove straight past me so I pulled over, and so did she, her comment " Thought I better come and get Raoni myself, she might actually get to school :mad: ..." My friend had actually told me she had said the same to her when she passed her at the school... Sorry about the ranting and raving, but is this really normal, Is there anything I can do to stand my ground, A way that will make her finally see I am not a child, but a 26 year old mother who is doing the best job she can for both her grandkids and Son... Haana :confused:

[BJelly]

Hi Noniandlily's Mum,

I think the main thing you need to do is get your husband's support in this so you have a united front - so it's not just you versus your MIL. That way she can't undermine your efforts to "retrain" her.

I agree with what fran said, you need to give her praise for what she does right, and the help she has given, so she doesn't get all defensive.

Will your husband agree to cutting back the visits? It's going to be pretty tricky to change her ways if he doesn't see things the way you do, and she could cause more trouble if she forces him to take her side in this power struggle.

I personally like to limit visits, because I find if I spend too much time with my Mum, she goes back to her old ways - and gets controlling again. Also, when you are in the middle of a power struggle, it is exhausting dealing with it all the time - it's good to have a break - it can be an emotional black hole - it sucks the life out of you.

I hope this is of some help. Best of luck!

[Nikki_B]

I know a lot of people who have problems with their MIL's. I thought my was truly over stepping the line when I found out she was planning for me to get married and wasn't even going to tell me. she had sworn my partner to secrecy but as soon as we got time alone we talked about us. my partner and I have both committed to each other and at this stage don't feel like we have to get married. she got upset that we are going to elope anyway that on mother's day (I cooked a huge meal for 25 people 4 days before my due date) she started a campaign with my family to pressure us into getting married.

My partner is very supportive of me when it comes to jacelyn. i am her mother and i know whats best. My MIL and I have similiar ideas about the way jacelyn should be raised although I'll expect a little more respect than what she's taught my stepson. I was raised to have manners, to say please and thankyou and respect my elders I can't see why it would be a problem for Jacelyn. I never needed to be smackedas a child although I spent a lot of time sitting in the corner.

the main issue is money. She looks down on us because we don't have a big flash house. We have everything we need and so does Jacelyn. That's all that counts. My MIL forgets when she first got married and had her son she was living in department of housing. I was the some but before Jacelyn was born I worked very hard to get what I have and my partner and I don't need to rely on anyone.

I don;t want to seem like I'm complaining about her because I do appreciate her help when she's around and I tell her so. She just upsets me with snide comments about my abilities. I thought when Jac was 4 months old that I was a bad mother and she deserved better. I rang my best friend in tears all she could say to me was "Look at her, she is the most beautiful girl in the world." Right then Jac smiled (of course I burst into tears again) and as my best friend said, if I was a bad mum I wouldn't have such a happy, healthy daughter. I've started standing up for myself again.

[BJelly]

Hi Nikki,

It sounds like you've got it/getting it under control. I'm glad to hear your partner told you of your MIL's plans to get you married off, and he supports you in raising your children your way.

None of us are perfect, so someone will always find fault if they look hard enough. But as long as your family is healthy and happy, you can't ask for more.

I'm glad you've got some good friends to give you feedback about your abilities as a Mum. It's sad your MIL feels it necessary to bring you down to make her feel better about herself. However, I know it's one thing to "know" that as a fact, it doesn't stop the hurt when it happens.

If you've got a good support group of friends and your partner, I think you are half way there. It will always hurt when your MIL criticises you unfairly, but if you've got some support it will be easier to put it in perspective.

Good luck! :)

[Nikki_B]

My MIL is definitely coming around to my way of thinking and starting to be more civil. I value her input and I might not always agree but I always take her opinion into consideration. Although my MIL is not happy with me this week for 3 simple reasons 1) we were supposed to be there for dinner last Wednesday night but Jacelyn had gastro 2) because of the gastro she missed her swimming lesson and 3) she dropped in to see us on Sunday and we weren't home. She had known for over a month we were going to be at a family bbq with my family. I didn't know she was going away either hence why she was so upset she didn't see Jac. I can't always sit around the house incase she calls in. I did that a few weeks ago and I didn't see her and missed seeing my new baby cousin.

There is hope though, things are definitely improving. I've taken your advices and been more sure of myself and stood up for myself, so thanks for your help.

[BJelly]

Hi Nikki,

Glad to hear things are improving! It makes life so much easier.

[xkwzit]

Hi
Its great that your MIL situation is improving. Just one thing I'd like to say: it's not a bad thing that she missed seeing you when she dropped by - MAYBE NEXT TIME SHE'LL CALL. I'd wouldn't just drop by to see someone without phoning first to see if they're there (but hey, maybe I just like to know that I'm not wasting my time... :) ) Hope she's a quick learner!!

Cheers

[Nikki_B]

My MIL and I had a very enjoyable visit last week and we've had dinner twice this week. It's been good. I actually asked her opinion today about my daughters naming ceremony. She didn't offer alternatives or say that she wanted a proper christening or anything. It was great. We have actually been able to have decent conversations where we have a laugh. Tonight we were both playing on the floor with Jac, it was great.

My MIL still drops in without calling but she knows our routine and when Jacs asleep or awake and I don't mind. Saturday or Sunday is the day I try to get the bulk of the housework out of the way so now I leave my MIL to play and get a lot of stuff done.

[Izzys'mum]

Hi ladies,

I know exactly how you all feel about your M.I.L.

When my partner and i first told his mum we were having a baby the first thing she said was "Congratulations, we'll set a date for the wedding. ( we're not even engaged) and my sister will make the wedding cake and the reception will be held at my house and bla bla bla bla bla". You can imagine how it went down with her after we said we werent ready to get married yet. Now we live 5mins away from her. Shes over every day, picks up our child when she's trying to sleep, tells us how to raise her, and this is just the begining. I have arguments with her about giving my 7mth old daughter yoghurt, Cracked pepper biscuits and wipped cream.
Not only does she do theese things on purpose but she tells our daughter in front of us that we dont look after her and that when shes older she can come and live with her. My parnter has gone of his nut at her as well as myself and still she doesn't listen.

Can some one out there HELP with a way to get her to back off! ( without hireing a hitman)

[WeThree]

I know MIL's can sometimes be a pain, but my husband thinks the same of my mum! someone else mentioned giving them little things to do and asking their opinions on things etc can help, and it is true, getting them on side and making them feel part of your lives can make a big difference, someties mils can just feel insecure that you may not let them be a part of their son and grandchildrens lives(although from what i have read it sounds like their are some real horrors out there!) making the effort to grit your teeth and keep trying to make a relationship with them can end up being so beneficial(even though it can sometimes take awhile) sometimes they can be your greatest allies if you give them the chance, its taken awhile with mine, but it was worth it, she supports me and is now always nagging nathan to help more etc! (although mine lives 3hrs away so we dont see them heaps :) anyway go easy on them guys, just think they love your husband and children like you and only want what is best for them (i reckon there are a few of us here who will end up being interfering mil's ourselves :p )

[Narelle]

Hi Izzy'smum!
Do you watch Everybody Loves Raymond? It sounds like your life is like the show!
I actually have 2 mil's and I don't really see either of them that much so there's not really a problem there, I probably get more annoyed with my own mother! (I know! I shouldn't!) I don't really have any good advice for you unless moving far away is an option, Sorry!

[mumof2girls]

Wow, I think you should count yourself luck to have in-laws. My husband is from America so I never met my in-laws (they passed before we got married) and my dad live on the other side of Australia from us so that just leaves my mum and she has 5 kids, 19 grandkids & 10 greatgrandkids with 2 more due this year so she is kept real busy. I think no matter how big a pain they can be you should be thankful that they take an interest and can be there.

Maybe you should set some ground rules and tell them what they are. Remember your house your rules and it's your baby! One day we are going to be a MIL and I wonder what we will be like?

[Lucybelle]

My MCHN reckons this is the second biggest stress her new mums have.

My MIL is the same, always telling us what we MUST do. I just nod and smile. BUT, the crap she comes out with - only feed him water in a bottle if he wakes through the night, that way he will learn to sleep through. WTF?? 8 week old baby??? Oh yeah hows this - core and peel and apple, thread it with string and tie it around babys neck (9 months old now) so he can chew on it thro the day!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I do like Fran, ask her trivial questions, make her feel needed. It may annoy you but let her take the child to school or whatever and thank her warmly "your'e a great help". Then go into your room and scream into a pillow.

This worked with my MIL (bless her cotton socks), and she can be forceful. I always get a lecture on what I SHOULD be doing ( although I still can't get over the apple thing!) but once she has gone me and DP laugh our heads off at what she says and go on with life.

[WeThree]

lol @ the apple around the babies neck (im going to be chuckling about that all night now!)

[Elfin]

Lucybelle I love your MIL's tip about the apple. It is the best 'worst' tip I have ever heard ROFL :D Your poor DH having to put up with that!!! It beggars belief that she could be serious.

[samecutie222]

the way i figure it the less i see the in laws the better they are plain annoying i dont hate them but id rather not see them
a basic pain............
the one thing i have noticed is if you have your partners support with it all then your ok you will get through

i dont have my partners support he is a mummys boy it drives me nuts

we walk in the front door there and the first thing she does is hand my partner a huge plate of food........to bad if we have already had lunch hey.

they pressured me with names of the baby etc.......i was not going to call my son ralph!

i really am past caring at this point my partner takes aden there himself

they always have well "want you want to do is blah blah blah" blah--- cos i tune out then lol

uuuugggggghhhhhhh i dont even want to think about it hey

[Lucybelle]

Oh man, there were plenty more but I think I blocked them out.

[veronica]

Marriage vows say 'forsaking all others' !! I like to remind DH of this when we come home from a particularly painful MIL visit - don't get me even started on Easter - ugh!

Luckily enough he is starting to understand this and I've found that if I can control my temper and reaction to MIL it shows her attitude in more stark contrast and I have DH more on my side!!

(I don't know if the vow is meant to mean what I use it as meaning, but I have found that you do need to stay united together as a couple even if you don't always agree it isn't good for in'laws on either side to see that they can divide and conquer! ;) - like kids really! - or did I hear that on Dr Phil?! :D )

[willsmum]

Guys, I wish I had the same problems!! My MIL is 84 and bedridden in a nursing home - most days we visit she doesn't even know her son's name, let alone me or the kids. My FIL died 3 years ago. My DH has no other rellies in our state. So my kids only have one set of grandparents.

I wish my MIL was a bit younger, or a bit more lucid cos she can't remember anything about my DH as a kid - what he liked to do, eat, play, or how he behaved etc. I feel as though half my kids "heritage" is missing.

So next time you have a horrible time with your MIL, try to imagine what it would be like if you had no contact with your DH's childhood at all.

Sorry - I don't mean to belittle anyone's experience, but at least you have extended families to share your beautiful little people with.

[veronica]

I understand your point willsmum and I think its sad that your children and partner miss out on so much of what extended family can bring. On my side of the family there is not many left compared to my husbands and I can certainly see the wonder and joy nana's and pop's bring to DD's life and what she brings to theirs. I think its just human nature though to only see the scope of our own problem especially when they can be so picky - we probably ark up so much more too because having bubs is stressful as we are not always sure of what we are doing and so get defensive. It's probably better the mums can get it out of their systems here!

[willsmum]

Hi again,

sorry if I sounded negative before. We do have heaps of close friends with little ones, so they are sort-of aunties and uncles and cousins. I just wish we had "real" family closer - all the cousins are interstate.

[veronica]

Don't worry willsmum! Sometimes it helps be a little negative to get it out of our systems! I know it can be hard - we moved to be closer to family - so now we are only 4 hours away ;) We were 13 hours! It can really help to have that closeness. I stayed with a friend once with a bub also and it was so good! It was like the whole 'it takes a village to raise a child' concept and somehow I can't help but think we all wouldn't be anywhere near as tired and depressed if we had support close at hand when we needed it!? :D

[willsmum]

I definitely wouldn't cope without my mum being 5 mins away, and my "mum's group" are just magnificent. I guess these days we make substitute families where we can find them.

[Grace3]

Hi All,

I have never had a problem with my MIL only my mother.

But my mother has said some awful things;

* He is just as much our baby as he is yours

* This is something my mother said to me, only a few months ago. "I'm sure your Aunts and Uncles loved you more than your father and I did". (As if this is something you would say to your child) If you have said something like this to your child, you need a kick up the bottom !!

* As my son was a premmie baby and stayed in hospital whilst I went home, but went in 4 times a day to breastfeed. My mother would say, How are you suppose to bond with him whilst he is hospital!! It's the last thing you need to hear when you are separated from your newborn baby.

* He wouldn't need you, if you weren't breatfeeding him

* When he grows up he is going to want to live with his Grandma & Grandad

* AND is constantly mentioning to my son, Do you want to come and stay with Grandma and Grandad. I am just lucky that he still too young to understand


I could just go on and on and on.

But the other day my mum was in the car with me and she said "How are you feeling within yourself? any of this postnatal stuff?" (as if I would say anything any way) I replied no. My mother then replies. That's good, I can't relate to women that have that!!!!!

Sometimes I could just slap her.

As I mentioned, this just went on and on and on. And I couldn't take anymore verbal abuse so I went and spoke to a family psychologist, who gave me pointers on how to deal with my mother and respond without getting frustrated and bitter. My husband was fantastic. After my mother would say something I would ring him and he would say the most beautiful things back to me. AS my husband studied I little bit of psychology at UNI, the psychologist said everything my husband was telling me was correct.

BUT I still get frustrated and soon forget the tips.

The new thing that is happening at the moment is (since I am due in 3 months). They wanted my son to stay with them for a couple of months, whilst my husband and I bonded with our second child. They live over 6 hours away. The little voice in my head was saying OVER MY ###&&%% DEAD BODY!!! I told both my parents that he is NOT going anywhere and he belongs with his new brother or sister and his daddy and mummy. (Could you imagine how this would affect a child!). When my parents last came to visit they were saying good bye, and my mother and father said to my son, Grandma's going to come up and stay for a while when your mum has the baby. I just ignored the comment as I thought I would just snap back(they hadn't mentioned any of this to me mind you). BUT later that week, my husband got a call from my father who suggested that my mother come stay with us to look after our first son. My husband replied "That's a nice offer but I'm taking 3 weeks off work but Chontel and I will have everything under control."

Thank goodness for my husband. He is truly the best.

ANY ONE ELSE OUT THERE, that has bad experiences with there mums let me know. I'm surly not the only one.

I might start a new thread on "MOTHERS".

Thanks for listening.

Chontel

[onabreak]

I have to say that my mother in law is one of the nicest people. She lives down in Sydney while my family and I are in Brissie. She phones all the time asking about our DD. Every couple of weeks theres another parcel in the mail full of clothes.

Every now and then she will fly up and stay with us for a week to spend some valuable time with her granddaughter. She will take us out shopping and buy anything and everything for her granddaugher.

But I have been married before and know what it is like to have a nasty mother in law. My ex left me for my bestfriend of 12 years and all she could say was "sorry I have to stick with my own blood". that was the last thing she said to me. So that shows that blood is definately thicker than water. Never seen or heard from her again, thank god.

[our little treasures]

Where does one begin with mil, although mine has got alot better she has still got that sly comment here and there. Milly my mil was similar to yours by her remarks on b/f, although hers was from no experience. She didn't breast feed and her two daughters havent either, but she would often tell me what I should and shouldn't eat, that I should feed both sides, oh my and she was forever telling me that my daughter was still hungry. I however managed to b/f beautifully until my dd was 13mnths. Even my sil would ring my mil and tell her things about the way I was feeding, even though she gave up after 2days.

At first I would get distressed I never said anything to them but then I got blunt and when I would find mags with chocolate not harmful while b/f and some women feed from only one breast etc i would take them over and show them. It made all the difference :)
Oh well it just gives us all something to chat with our friends about. :rolleyes:

[nemosmum]

I dont really have a MIL as my partners mum past away of cancer 3 years ago, but my FIL does have a girlfriend who is trying to become my sons Nana. My partner has accepted the fact that his father has moved on with this women (he moved in with her about 8 months after his mum past away). But he doesnt want our son calling her nana, he thinks its disrespectful to his own mum and i have to agree. When I was growing up I didnt find out that my nana Gwen wasnt my dads mother until I was 16 yrs old. My dad never told us about his mum and it was really hurtful to find out after such along time. Im having real trouble coz my FIL always puts me in the middle and tries to get me to side with him. I would never be rude to my FIL so I end up saying nothing. He always takes me aside and tells me how much his girlfriend loves our son and wants him to call her nana. Whenever we go to their house he always says "give nana a kiss" and my partner gets really upset-he still really misses his mum(as would be expected) but cant bring himself to correct his father infront of his girlfriend.
I dont know what to do?

[our little treasures]

I have a similar issue with my mother, my mum and dad seperated a year before dd was born and had new partners by the time I had dd. My brothers treat the partner of my mums with more respect than my dad and my eldest brother gets his two kids to call him pop etc and make a huge fuss of him and they hardly see their real pop.
My mum after my dd was a few months dropped hints on what to call her partner I ignored them until I had the chance to talk to dh. I didn't want or think that it was appropriate. So when my mum finally asked I said well I don't know what she will call him as she doesn't talk yet, but it will not be pop. Mum was shocked and hurt but it has never been a problem since, I explained that out of respect she would call him uncle.
I think if you explain your and your husbands feelings to them both in a calm way they will respect you, they may not like it but it's your child. Also it's best to do it before your ds gets confused. ;)
I hope it helps

[nemosmum]

Thats just it my dh has issues with telling his dad no about anything, although he has said he would like our son to call his gf "Aunty". But fil just doesnt get it as his gf's grandkids call him pop, he wants to return the favour.

Its really hard but Im determined next time they bring it up to do just like you said- be honest and up front, if they dont like it thats ok but they are going to have to abide by our decision.

Like you said Angelbaby his our son after all!

[tys'mum]

I have endless trouble with my mother-in-law. It begin as soon as I met my husband. She couldn't stand me and now that I have a 15 month old son with her eldest baby( the father), the whole world has ended.

She doesn't offer to help out at all. She doesn't show any sort of interest in Tylers life and expects me to be the one to make all the effort. ie., she doesn't come round to the house to visit Tyler, as she expects me to always bring Tyler to see her.

She has always criticised everything I do, even though everything I do is in Tylers best interests (like any mother!!!). I take him to Gymbaroo (she complains), I tell her not to give him peanut butter and chocolate when he was like 4 months ( she complains), I use disposable nappies on him ( she complains), I feel most comfortable with my sister baby sitting Tyler (she complains of course!!), I picked my sister as Godparents (she complained!!!!!!). I have really had enough of her and I feel soo sorry for my partner as he has to hear it all the time. It must take a toll on him.Cause in the end it is his mother.

Didn't turn up at Tylers 1st birthday. Left early at his christening as she didn't like who the Godparents were and doesn't get on with my Mum.

When I fell pregnant (as it wasn't planned), she told me that 'she finds it very hard to love me now that I am pregnant.' She told me that she is jealous of me because I took her son away from her. These are things that you remember 4eva.

I really could go on and on and on about her. I just wish there was a simple way to fix the problem but I don't think I ever will. I've tried and tried and a person can only try so much.

I don't go round there much as I can only take so much. Is there any advice that anyone can give me at alll??????????????????????????????

[mumofethan]

my MIL actually sounds ok compared to others...

she is annoying because everyone has to go to her, they have just left after coming over here for 3 days, however whilst they were here they didnt not see their other grandson (my stepson), this really upsets my stepson's mum because my MIL gives her crap about him not know who they are... we keep asking ourselves how is he supposed to know them if they dont see him.

Whilst they were here they were trying to give my 9mth old icecream for breakfast because we were having icecream on pancakes, they couldnt understand why i said no!

They constantly critisise me to my DP, and also to my stepson's mum... but them they critsise her to me!

they were not happy because our DP didnt like sleeping in a hammock so we got rid of it...

:(

I guess thats just the joys of inlaws.

:D

Michelle

[TwoBlue]

My Mil is not nosey or opinionated like many others are

She is annoying, stupid, selfish... i could go on....

she hates that i took her precious first born son from her....

she loves to tell me about how bad being a mother was for her and that she hopes i have as much trouble with my kids (even though her "horror" storys sound like normal child behaviour to me...)

She hates that i want more than 2 kids (she thinks its rediculous)

She loves to ask me what Samuel likes to play with or needs and then buys them to keep at her house !!!!

she always wants to feed him weird things and hates it when i say No, perfect example raw carrot sticks at 6 months and with no teeth !!! What the...?

She never comes to visit and expects us to go there all the time.

She never takes pictures and always asks for copies of mine (and has a brand new digital camera!)

She is so wealthy and NEVER helps us out

For Samuels first birthday party she asked if she could bring something (i nearly fell over) so i asked her to bring a dessert and she bought a sara-lee cheesecake from the supermarket !!!!!!!!!!!! (we had 80+ people at the party and she knew that too)

Man i could go on all day.... thanks goodness my parents are 100% unreal !!

oh and by the way Fil is just as bad.....

hmmmm feels good to get it off my chest :rolleyes:

[mumof2girls]

I'm not sure to feel sad or glad that I don't have inlaws :rolleyes:

I have never had the pleasure of meeting them as they passed away many years ago it would have been nice to meet them I think :D maybe not from these stories!!

[pregasaurus]

Wow, I could post an entire thread on the horrible things my MIL has said and done over the years. DH (he was then my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant 7 years ago. Not quite sure on what to do and where to go, we kept it very quiet. Then he found out he was being posted to the North of the state, so we thought, 'what a wonderful way to ease her into it'. His mother was thrilled that he was moving (and assumed I wasn't going with him), but when he broke it to her that I was coming too, she stormed around the house swearing about the jezebel who had corrupted her son (HUH? I taught the guy to cook and clean! HOW is that corrupting?). When we told her I was pregnant, she sat in the corner and cried (how do you think THAT felt as a 4 month pregnant woman?).
The most recent has been when DH, myself and the kids were sick. DS brought home croup from daycare, DD brought home tonsillitis from school. I got both and a sinus infection to boot (I was 4 months pregnant). I was flat in bed for 2 days, and my temp on Panandol was 38.3, minimum. I got a sinus infection that was so severe it went through to my teeth. I lost 7kg in 2 weeks and went back to my pre-pregnancy weight. All four of us were on our second course of antibiotics, neither of us could look after the children properly, so we finally called on reluctant MIL and FIL to drive 2 hours to help us out for one day.
As soon as they stepped through the door it was 'DH, can we get you ANYTHING?? Can we fluff your pillows? Do you need to go to hospital? Here, have this soup I made JUST FOR YOU. We brought you some medicine, we bought you magazines, we got cold and flu tablets etc, etc, etc.'
And I'm thinking 'I'm MORE sick than he is, I've been sick for LONGER, I have NO family, I'm PREGNANT, I'm still expected to look after the SICK KIDS, and CLEAN THE HOUSE!'. It was just so blatantly obvious that they were only here to look after their son, and couldn't care less about his wife and 2.5 kids.
I think the thing that hurt me the most was that he sat there and took it, and didn't at any stage pull them up. The best things they could have done were to clean the dishes, hang out some clothes and maybe cook us a meal/ buy us take away. But instead they sat on their bums next to DH's 'death bed' while I brought them tea and bikkies and they treated me like the nanny/chef/maid/doctor.
'Have you been making sure he's taking his medicine? (for God's sake, he's 32 years old, he can remember himself) 'Have you made sure he's got enough sleep?' (Yep, because 32 minutes a day is all a pregnant woman needs, apparently) 'Have you made him lots of soup? (Yep, in between dying, and, um, dying, I've been completely chained to the stove so your son meets his daily nutritional needs)'Make sure the kids don't disturb him'(I'll just tell them to restrict their hacking coughs and laboured breathing to the other end of the house, shall I?)'No, no, you mustn't come outside, you'll catch your death' (so it's ok for the pregnant woman to walk out in 2 degrees temprature to help you into the car?)

I swear to God, no matter how much I hate my son's choice in wife, I will never, EVER, leave her sick and pregant in charge of 2 kids while I fawn over DS like he's the messiah incarnate.

[Natmay]

I have In-law issues and I'm wondering if I should stay with my partner.
His Mother gave me a managers job and after 5 days gave me a story that Head office couldnt afford me. My partner has just told me that she told Head office that I couldnt work anymore and gave my job to her daughter. I never could have imagined that she would cut my throat like that.
My partner brought a new car and he dicussed all his money issues with his Mother and I didnt even know he was getting a car till she called to tell me she brought his car so he could buy the new one we cant even afford to run.
She will phone him several times a day while he is at work. I feel like I have no say and that he will let his family do these things to me. Any relationship issues are sorted with his Mother and I feel why am I here. Should I be?:banghead:

[melbourneprincess]

OMG Pregasaurus, YOU POOR THING!!! :eek:

I thought my MIL was bad (and she IS bad), but I feel well done by in comparison!!!

If anyone used to watch 'Everybody Loves Raymond', Marie is my MIL to a T. The show was actually on once as we were all eating dinner, and my FIL turned around to my MIL and went, "that's you!" She just kept eating!!! LOLROF!!!!!!!! :D

[Lollie]

To be honest, I have a few thoughts on the subject of medding MIL's.
I am quite lucky, my DH's mother keeps her opinions to herself and she doesn't judge the way I raise our child.

But seeing as I know i'll be one one day these are my thoughts on being one.
I believe that the statement about girls staying close to their parents after getting married/r'ship but once the boys are married/r'ship they don't stay as close to their mum as much anymore is correct.

So maybe with that theory in mind, I feel that maybe I will be a little jealous when my sons grow up and finds a life long partner to share his thoughts and feelings with. I guess when I am a MIL I will try and make myself apart of his life still by helping out my DIL (upon theory) with my knowledge and advice. I will do my best to stay out of my sons lives but in reality it will be hard to accept my baby doesn't need me completely anymore. :crying:

This is probably all off topic and all but heck I just wanted to get that off my chest. So in the future when I am a grandma (and a MIL) and this site has a grandmothers section, remember this post of mine cause I am letting all know now! :D

I may not have MIL issues but I definitely have FIL and SFIL issues.

[Lollie]

NOTE: The above post from me is my thoughts, not to start a war at all. I just statiing I know I am going to be a MIL and that's what I will probably be like :D

[*Chels*]

:hugs: hugs to all of u with crappy MILs!!
i dont like mine either and my DF knows it.i just cant help but ***** about them!!My MIL makes a song and dance about everything!!last time she came round she kept going on about seeing riley more so i suggested she could have him once a week.well now i gotta see her on the day and put up with her bleating on!!She did a course on colours,where everyone suits a certain colour eg my DF is a "winter man" so should wear purple and pink ROFLMAO!!!so she tried to set up her business-2 years later shes had like 2 clients.she just doesnt get that noone wants their ****** colours done and it will never take off.so she sits at home all day!i suggested she could get a job and asked what she used to do."oh i have never worked in 32 years!!" shes so proud of it-lazy ******!!
so shes always going on about people wearing the wrong colours and telling me my hairs orange(im blonde) and now that we are planning the wedding,shes going on bout the colour the bridesmaids should wear.she told my SIL that i was stupid for wanting 3 bridesmaids,we could spend our money on better things and we should get married at the registery office!!!!last time i saw us she we going on about how we could get married in someones backyard!!and shes trying to get my DF to invite all these people from her family!!no way!im soooo putting my foot down bout the wedding stuff!!
apart from that,shes always bossing me round in regards to riley,asking me how long i will BF for.when i said i was gonna do it for at least a year she said"thats too long!!" shes always going on about how i need to give him water/put him on bottle etc.she hardly buys him anything,if she does its crappy **** like a singing reindeer for xmas,doesnt have any toys for him at her house and goes"his mother should bring round his toys" in a b****y tone.and she brought nappies that were so cheap and ****.
oh i told her i was doing weightwatchers so now every 5 mins shes like"hows the diet going?"
she treats her boys like they are babies and they are 30 and 28.me and my sister in law hate her and always have a great b****ing session bout her.well i could go on but i would be here forever!!!:laughing:
girls,stand up to them,tell them to back off and if they cant respect your decisions re: raising YOUR kids then they can go jump

[chillifly]

What is it with the boiled water?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? My mother won't get off it!!!!!

I love my MIL at the moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've just had gallbladder surgery and she is doting on me and bub like nothing else. She mopped my floors today and tomorrow she has offered to clean the TOILETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :eek: :eek: :eek:

[SilverStarfish]

The worst MIL story I ever heard was a on the radio a few months ago. The caller said that after 4 children she and her husband had decided that their family was complete and that he would get a vasectomy.

His mother said "But what happens when you re-marry and want to have more children?"

[Jackson84]

heya,

just thought i'd join in the rant. :)

in the begining, everything was fine. soon-to-be-MIL and I got along really well. we were mates.

we discovered that bubs is wheat intollerant when he was 1 week old. fast-forward to eight months later, i am doing two weeks full time work and the MIL is looking after the bubs. so what does she do? she feeds him wheat! and not just once! and then, she tells DH that she did, and tells him not to tell me. well, he did tell me, and i got REALLY upset about it. so instead of apologising, what does she do? she ignores me for 3 MONTHS! as if i had been the one to upset her! she even came to our house for lunch and ignored me! in my own house!

anyways, it's getting nearer to christmas, and to our wedding, and i dont things to be crappy between us, cause they were so good before. so slowly we start biulding up some trust again, and on christmas eve she apologises...4 months later. so all is cool.

fast-forward a little more - three weeks before the wedding. MIL calls and asks "why aren't (Dh's stepfather)s family invited to the wedding?"

uh, maybe because they aren't our family? maybe because we can't invite everybody we have ever met? maybe because they were never invited? maybe because it would be inappropriate considering DHs real dad's family would be there...

she goes spastic, and says all this stuff about me inviting 300 people from my family, and nobody from hers (try 41 from my family, and 39 from DHs). then she tried to make us feel guilty cause she had given us money based on the number i told her and the cost (god forbid a wedding blows its budget!), then she tried to give us extra money to invite them; then she threatened to diswon DH...

it really went stupid.

things were civil at the wedding, but she didnt speak to me until DHs birthday (a week later), and since then, all i have heard from her is 1 email saying
"can we have joe on friday night? i can pick him up after work, and drop him off on saturday morning. we would really like to see him."

WTF? no 'hello', no 'how are you'. just 'we would like to see the grandchild and ignore you, if you dont mind'.

havent heard from her since then (about three weeks ago).

i try to keep her up to date, send photos of funny things the boy has done etc but never get a response.

DH got a phone call from her the other day - her computer was broken and she wanted him to fix it. she was really short with him, and sounded like she didnt want to say any more than was necessary.

anyways, i must stop. really, i must...

[chillifly]

bummer jackson! :( :hugs:

You really wonder why you bother with them don't you? They can be so hit and miss. I only posted not so long ago how I thought my MIL had improved and was helping out after my surgery, only to have her do an about face and it all changed.

I was recovering from gallbladder surgery through a 7inch incision, 7 week old baby, with the MIL and FIL sitting back after I'd been home a couple of days and letting me wait on them hand and foot. I would feed DD, prepare dinner and do prep dishes, feed DD her top up, plate up dinner and serve it, eat dinner whilst settling DD, do everyone's dishes and then get tea and dessert. :banghead: And they want me to take a photo of DD every week and email it to them because they live so far away and don't get the chance to see her. Hmmmmm.....

Why do we bother? Cos we're too damn nice!

[jessgray]

my MIL is alright. she comes over and will start cleaning up stuff without me asking or anything:laughing: once she came here when i was sick and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and lounge room and i was like you dont have to do that. she is a pretty bad driver. lol but apart from that she only annoys me a little bit over little things like giving DS chocie without asking me first while i am seeing the dr

[jessgray]

i'd like to think im going ot be a non-meddling MIL one day and be the sort that doesnt annoy the **** out of DIL :laughing:

[only1mica]

i'd like to think im going ot be a non-meddling MIL one day and be the sort that doesnt annoy the **** out of DIL :laughing:

Totally with you there...:fingerscrossed:
:D

[babylachie]

Jackson84 I so understand your situation.
I did a search tonight on in-law hassles and I found you all screaming from the same kind of craziness that I've been living. I thought I was the only one who was incapable of forging a good relationship with MIL. Mmmmm off my chest here we come. Keep in mind those of you with no in laws its like when your single girlfriends comment on how they'd raise a baby (no clue of the frustration we live in).
The wedding - tried every way to ruin the experience. From engagement - bawling her eyes out because I nicely said not to worry about a present 'I can't even buy a present for my son'. Woah. Folded her arms and peered over the top of her glasses at the wedding reception tour. AT the wedding asked for a 'just the family photo' ie without the bride. On the wedding video when asked if theres anything she'd like to say, says 'he's a lovely boy'.
From when baby was born was on my back about using a dummy. I didnt even have an opinion on the topic until it was rammed down my throat so I dug my heels in and didnt go near one. Then the sister in law gets in the act (no kids, not married) 'oh aren't dummies great!' Uh not using one! leave me alone! Got into my girlfriends ear Oh I just don't understand why she wont' use a dummy. Not to mention the 'a baby will sleep when they're tired. not my baby! agonised about going to sleep school. went@ 4mths. call her to say its horrible and she says 'well its important you get him to sleep when your out'! I wasnt there for sleeping when he's out I was more worried about every other day. The other night went into bubba's bedroom with her girlfriend 11pm when sleeping 17mths old now when I specifically said not to go in. He woke up and screamed for 15 minutes. (I would too if I found her at the foot of my bed).
Bfeeding. Well! What is it with mothers. When are you going to stop?Cant wait for you to stop so he can sleep overnight at our place. wishful. Well I did stop at 14 mths. and she asks repetitively if he missed it. I finally said the other night when asked AGAIN that you've asked me this before and no he didnt miss it but I said all along after 12 mths that I wasnt ready to give it up, was working full time for a bit and would know when the time was right. He wasnt that interested at 13.5 mths I stopped at 14. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Pobblebonk]

Hi. Here's my MIL story:

Partner and I were engaged to be married. Found out I was pregnant. MIL wanted us to move the wedding to 1 year earlier. Decided then to take over the entire wedding to changing the photographer and cake people behind our backs because she didn't like their work, to wanting to write our guest list so she could invite from her family who she wanted and exclude who she wanted, to telling me that I wouldn't be married in a pink dress!

The now ex-partner would not stand up to her for us, and couldn't understand why I wouldn't let her have her own way with our wedding (!!!) - so two months into my pregnancy and dealing with the stress she was putting me under (all the while she was whinging to the rest of the family about how I was 'trying to kill her' by upsetting her because I wouldn't let her have her way with the wedding), I promptly asked him to give me some space - and ended up not wanting him back because him not being there meant I didn't have to deal with any stress at all - and I believed I had the right to enjoy my pregnancy. MIL was livid I had broken up with her son. He ended up living back with her.

She also harrassed me for months about moving out of my own place and into her place so that she could 'help' me with the baby. And couldn't understand why I wanted to stay in my own place.

She also tried to get me to have my baby at a hospital that was 10 mins from her place but 1 hour from mine - because if I had my baby at the hospital of my choice that was 1 min away from my place, it meant that she would have to drive all the way there. In the end, because I chose to have the baby at the hospital that was 1 min away from my place, she refused to come and visit us in hospital.

When my baby was born, and I went to spend the night at her place (where kids father lives), and he was crying hysterically in father's arms, she took baby off his father. I went to get baby to try to calm him down, and she refused to hand him to me, telling me he had colic and that nothing I was going to do would help him. I ended up screaming at her to give me my son back and within 2 mins he was calm and asleep.

At the last minute, she banned everyone on the fathers side of the family (including my son's father!) from attending our son's Naming Day because she had found out that baby's father was going halves with me in the ceremony, and she thought that was ludicrous because 'that's what child support is for'. She even rang me up to abuse me for 'trying to wheedle more money out of her son'.

Although she's was a big contributing factor to why I'm no longer with my son's father, it's also his fault for not being man enough to put her in her place, and allow her to treat me the way she did.

[Pixie]

Honestly I am going to be sent down one day:banghead:
bloody MIL she won't stop buying friggen boys clothes from garage sales and giving them to us for our 5 week old DAUGHTER WTF I am so over her I have bagged them all up and she can take them back and if we ever have a boy then maybe we'll take them.
+ we live in a really small unit we just don't have room even the bagged clothes are in our lounge:rolleyes:

[Elfin]

Miss Alitz what a terrible story, I think you have done the right thing for you and your son. I just can't believe some people, I just hope I never turn out like that as a MIL.

[bec 1]

I am having trouble with my mil. She is controlling my life. The house we are living in is her house, she buys all the girls clothes, pays for all their activities and their private education and even takes the eldest on trips overseas to fiji, and china and even to the gold coast. She even washes the school uniform every weekend. But things started turning sour when she found out im pregnant with the third child. She will take my 6 year old on weekend but leave her 3 year old sister crying. And my husband is okay with this. when my 6 year old gets home lately all i hear from her is that she doesn't want to share a room with the baby and doesnt want to share her stuff with the baby because nanny told her. Mil even told me she doesn't want to know this baby and her son doesnt want it either but she is feeding him all her opinions as well. And he's going to keep on listening to her because she is dangling an inheritance over his head. Lately I have been avoiding her which is very hard to do to the extreme that I sat in the car while the family visited with her and hubby said i was being ignorant by not saying hello. I told him she could have said hello as well. And she also has told me I m selfish and need to live in the real world because she has been taking hubby to work in her car so that i could take the children to school and preschool in our car ( apparently I should be catching buses around. ) And she has convinced my husband that being 5 months is a perfect time to find a fulltime job. If anyone has any advice it would much appreciated as I respect my elders and my family and I am not the sort of person to hurt those i care about but her continual interference has got to stop.

[kate7]

you have the only beginnig of a wicked mother in law mine is crazy, she is 42 and has a 5 month old baby, {10 days older than my boy} and a 3 year old girl, she carnt handle noise or crying so the girls have no chance in this life she does not hug kiss or play with her children as she si not interested she says the novelty has worn off.
she dumps her children on me with out asking goes away for 8,9 hours before picking them up. leaves her washing at my front door intending for me to wash fold and put it away. has only jus started her little one on solids she is so skinny, says she doesnt want a fat adult child, and tells everyone that i over feed my and force feed my son when that is clearly not the case, i bath my baby everynight, and she gets up me saying they dont need a bath evrynight only every 2 to 3 days. she goes through our house when we arent home, and gained access to bank details and takes money out of my hubbys pay to apparently save in a different account. we have spoken to her about it and she just starts crying to make us feel bad. So what can i do?:banghead:

[MumOfTwoBoys]

she goes through our house when we arent home, and gained access to bank details and takes money out of my hubbys pay to apparently save in a different account. we have spoken to her about it and she just starts crying to make us feel bad. So what can i do?:banghead:

Darling, are you serious? You really don't know what to do with this...woman?

1. Open a new bank account, transfer everything there, close the old one and NEVER tell anyone account details except your employer.

2. Leave the washing where she put it. At her slightest attempt to say anything about it, say:"I am not your laundry woman! Is this clear?"

3. Never pay attention to what she says about your parenting. Out of all people on this planet her opinion wil be the last that matters.

C'mon! She is using you! I just hope your DP understands this as well and is fed up with her as well. Good luck.

[goodmummy]

Hi guy's,i know this post was from a year ago. But i have the minlaw from hell. I can't call her mum, because a mum wouldn't treat a daughter like this. But i blame my husband, you can't even talk to him about this witch. He sticks up for her all the time. At the moment i live with my parents. She made my husband kick me out of the house when i was 3 months pregant. He wanted to stay, but she poisened him, told him she would die if he stayed with me, if only! I blame him to for not being a man, he is so scared of her, it's sick! She wanted him to find a nice girl, who will be his slave, cook & clean and not give an opion. I hate her! My husband wants to now make it work, we have been trying, but any thing to do with his mother is off limits. He nows lives with her and his house is empty. He wants me to move back in, but without our dog, because he said the dog ruined his house, ok he wrecked the back door. his mum is the kind of person, you take shoes off in her house, she is not normal. But sometimes i think he is not.
My son adores our dog, i could leave it with my mum & dad. But i promised my dog i would never give him up , because he was the only one that was with me, when my husband was out with his mates getting ****ed. I do want to make my marriage work, i want my son to have a dad. Has anyone any idea's. please help, i have known my husband for 18yrs. And when we were young, we had to secretly see each other, because she wanted an italian girl. please help.