Suicide and your children..

[shawniesmiss]

OK so I have been debating in my own head wether to write this thread or not as its so personal... but I do REALLY need help!

Back in June 2009 I was 8 months with my now 2yr old daughter and we (my ex and I) had another daughter my now 3.5yr old. He also had 2 daughters from his previous relationship. So all up he had 4 beautiful daughters who needed thier daddy.. But after having a massive argument I left to stay at my mums house with my DD and get some rest and to stress less.
11.30 the next morning the police came to my mums door to inform me that my partner had taken his own life the night before. And he left a note. Apart from feeling like I had been booted so hard in the stomach and being beyond belife and confusion I read this note and he said "I do this to give you, meika and bubby a better life" <------- I wish he understood his girls need HIM in thier lives!? I was devistated and beside myself for a long time.. But could not seem to cry about it? I felt cold and we has such a toxic realtionship that I cried so many tears while he was alive I could not bring myself to cry when he had gone. I was in denial to for a while until I had to identify his body.. Now THAT was and is an image that will live with me forever! Seeing him like that was awful.. But on the other hand he looked so happy, happier than he ever had alive.

Anyways really what I want to know is has anyone else lost thier partner or childs father or mother to suicide?
Its a different ball game to loosing them to natural causes or a freak accident but to have them take thier OWN life is soooo different.
I am left with so many unanswered questions and Im dreading my girls growing up. They are going to have even more questions than I do! I am worried they will blame me, or themselves.. Especially Aaliyah as she is going to wonder why her dad could not live long enough to meet her.
Im all tears now but need to know im not alone!
Please anyone?!


Sent from my iPhone :)

[Atlantic Puffin]

:hugs:

Your daughters have no reason to ever consider blaming you. Your DP must have been in a particularly dark place to go through with what he did....... You have to know that it wasn't because of you or any silly little fight.

:hugs: xoxoxo

[the girls mum]

I am so sorry you and your daughters have to go through this. :(

I definitely can NOT even begin to think what its like, and I dont think I can help you but I wanted to give you massive hugs.

xxxxxxxxx

[~Danni~]

Hi there, I am so sorry for what you have gone through, and will continue to go through as your girls grow.

I have no experience with loosing a partner to suicide but my Dad comitted suicide when I was 13, my uncle a few years before that and just three years ago my cousin also comitted suicide. Perhaps my words will be completly irrelivent but I do not blame my mum (though I could easily) and I have never ever questioned my fathers love for me.

I loved my Dad more than anything, in oct 2000 he found out my mum was having an affair, wanted a divorce and was leaving us (him and I) to be with the other man. Three days later my Dad commited suicide. I never think "he would have stayed around if he loved me" I truely feel that he loved my mother so much he could not live without her. There is a sweetness in that, I take comfort in it even though I have almost next to no relationship with my mother (all becasue of what came after my dad died, I could have lived and let go with just the initial problems)

The other thing as your girls grow that I feel is important is they do not need to get caught up in the debate of is it selfish and all the rest. Someone who tkes their own life is not well. It is not a rational decision, and whilst the act may be very methodical or planned (for example my cousin, he sold of his belongings tied up loose ends many weeks before) it is an illness. It is so very common for people to feel their loved ones will be better off without them. We in our right minds can see thats not the case but mental illness and depression are tricky, especially with smart people who cover things well, it's all part of the disease.

Let your girls know how loved and wanted they were, talk about their dad with them. I have a really accepting way about me when it comes to suicide, I might not like the decision, I might not feel they were the ones who knew best but I can respect the decesion in the end.

I still love my Dad dearly, think of him dailey and wish more than anything I could have shared my children with him, but I am ok and at peace with what has happened as Iam sure is possible for your girls :hugs:

[SuperGranny]

hugs and more hugs, I am sure there are support people for anyone who has been affected by suicide, is Beyond Blue" or even lifeline, the salvos, someone will be able to direct you to others who have been through what you are having to deal with, and they can give you better support and comfort. Im sure there is nothing that is your fault, not the arguement or any thing you said, I hope you find help. hugs, Marie.

[Lateralus]

:hugs::hugs: I cannot begin to even start to understand what you are going through. I would love to leave you some sagely advice that would help with your healing, but don't know what to say other than you are NOT alone! Your girls have no reason to blame you and in time they will understand that it was not that their daddy left them, but that a mental illness (depression) stole him away. I am sure some hubbers out there would be able to point you in the right direction for some great resources for helping you to help your daughters through this in the future, but in the meantime, be kind to yourself and remember the resources (such as lifeline 13 11 14 and beyondblue 1300 22 4636) that are there to support you! :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[MsTruth]

I also do not have any experience of what you have and are going through but one thing I thought of when I read your post was an idea of making up a memory box for the children of their dad. You could put things like photos, his favourite album, his favourite book, his favourite movie, you could write them a long letter of what you remember of him and how he spent time with your eldest daughter and any comments/emotions he expressed when you were pregnant etc. You could give the girls a memory box each or a shared one. This will not explain the sucide to them but it will give them tangible ways to connect with their father.

[~Danni~]

I also do not have any experience of what you have and are going through but one thing I thought of when I read your post was an idea of making up a memory box for the children of their dad. You could put things like photos, his favourite album, his favourite book, his favourite movie, you could write them a long letter of what you remember of him and how he spent time with your eldest daughter and any comments/emotions he expressed when you were pregnant etc. You could give the girls a memory box each or a shared one. This will not explain the sucide to them but it will give them tangible ways to connect with their father.

This :yes:

The day before my dad comitted suicide he gave me somthing similar, it is a tin witmans chocolate box filled with pictures, his old school reports, his spare keys, football membership, monogrammed pen from what was our family business, fathers day cards I had made him in years past etc. I still lovingly look through it now, carefully taking each peice out and then moving onto the next. I have been with hubby near on 8 years and he has never seen whats inside, it's almost too personal IYKWIM.

[cashahn]

My DF identical twin brother took his life last year leaving behind a wonderful wife and three awesome kids. His wife is a GP and he was in the finance business and lost money, he felt so ashamed and could no longer deal with living with bi-polar. The morning he did it started off as any normal day, joking with his kids whilst getting them ready for school. He had written a 3 page suicide note and sent DF a msg to tell his wife to organize someone to pick the kids up and at the end of the text he wrote "sorry I can't go on". His body was found after a 12 hour search by police, I'll never forget that call. It was 3 weeks before they were to turn 50 and that was a hard day for my DF. My DF also lost his mum to suicide many years before as well. This last year has been so hard and I've fought very hard to keep my DF from doing the same and I would imagine it will be an on going battle. I myself am so angry with him as I just can't understand why someone who had so much to live for just ended it, my DF seems at peace with it and says he understands not wanting to live with bi-polar anymore. I have no real advice but know we are here to talk and I can understand what you are going through!

[babyspice]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[chameleon]

:hugs: to you. My Dad committed suicide when I was a child and I can honestly say that I never feel like it was my fault or that he didn't love me enough- I know he did. And I don't feel any anger towards him either. I know it was a lot of things and issues with him, not us. I also kept a lot of his things in a box and really liked that, and sometimes used to wear his shirts around (which were huge on me!) it was nice hearing stories of him too and how protective he was of us:goodvibes:

[Cat13]

Hi, I have no personal experience with this but just in the last week or two read an article/reader story that dealt with exactly this. The only problem is I can't remember where - whether it was a parenting mag or maybe Sunday magazine from the weekend paper. Maybe another hubber will have read it and be able to point you in the right direction.

The very loose outline of this article was that although extremely difficult honesty (age appropriate) with the kids is the best way to go and builds trust and shared experience between you rather than learning the truth as a complete shock when they are perhaps a young adult. Unanswered questions are likely to leave them confused and anxious and imagining all sorts of things. Be as open as you can about mental illness and reinforce that it was an illness that made their daddy do what he did and not anything that anyone else was responsible for. That he loved them very much but the illness made him confused and not see things clearly. Reflect on all the positive memories.

I'm sorry if I've not explained it very well and big hugs to you all.

[Borealis]

I'm sorry you had to go thru that. My cousin committed suicide in 05, not long after I had moved here (from canada). We were very close growing up and she did suffer bad mental illness with many many attempts on her life. She left a much younger sister who has struggled badly with it. I think the memory is important but seeing how my youngest cousin is dealing with it 6yrs after the fact is worrying as shes obsessive... Doesnt have her own opinions, only likes if her sister used to like and is now developing the same issues (altho it seems to be a family issue thats passing down from their gramma too) but nonetheless I still think balance is important. Remember the person but be cautious in remembering what they did at the end, more on the type of person they were. Thats just me tho, I'm sorry you've gone through that. *hugs*


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[Casey88]

Couldn't read this and not send many hugs your way.
I don't have any experience like this myself but a PP mentioned something like preparing a memory box for the girls of everything that can be associated with him and I agree with this. :)
:hugs: