I Wish People Would Mind Their Own Business...

[summastarlet]

I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant with our first baby. DH does FIFO work and has done for the past 2.5 years. We are used to this lifestyle and although we hate the time apart, we deal with it and embrace the extra time we have together when he is home.

Ever since we announced our pregnancy a few weeks ago the most common question I have been asked (after 'when are you due?') is 'Is DH going to find a job closer to home once the baby arrives?'. This is coming from family, friends, work collegues...everyone.....and I am SICK OF IT!!!!

Even when I explain that technically DH only works less than 6 months of the year all up and that when he is home he will most likely get to spend more time with his child then if he worked a 'normal' 9-5 job close to home...some people still don't get it...

Honestly...I am not incapable of looking after a baby!! Ok, yes it's my first and I'm sure there will be learning curves but it doesn't mean I am going to fall into a heap when DH isn't home. I have a VERY strong support system of family and friends. My parents live less than 5 minutes away from us and will be more than willing to help, I have a sister who is dying to play aunty, plus wonderful friends who I know are only a phone call away.

Am I naive in thinking that I will be able to handle this??

I would love to hear some stories from other FIFO mummies, or even some FIFO mummies to be who may be being confronted with the same issues. :)

[TeamAwesome]

'it works for us' is what we told a lot of people and no you aren't naive to think you can do it. In many ways it's easier you can figure out your baby's own routine you don't have to worry about lights or noise etc. It sucks if you get sick and he's away but yours has a decent ratio unlike mine did and you have a good support network.

being a fifo family isn't something people are used to but men have traveled for many generations to help support their family, your DH will spend so much more quality time and I'm sure you'll do great too!

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth :)

[summastarlet]

Thanks so much for your reply. Makes me feel a lot better about it all.

[SuperGranny]

hi summerstarlet, Im not wanting to put words in peoples mouths, but I would think people may be asking because they also know how quickly the 'baby' stage passes, and they feel sad for your hubby to be missing some of that time. I know in my case, my DH was away regularly for three wks at a time, and sometimes for up to 6 wks at a time, while the children were small, and I know that he now misses that time. I dont think people are saying 'how will you cope?? but 'How will you make up the lost time??" :hugs: Marie.

[zombiekitty]

My DH worked FIFO for the first 14 months of our eldest child's life and throughout most of the pregnancy. He had more time with our bub than most dads who work close to home and go home every night.
It was hard as I had no family close by but meh, you cope.

[M0useHunt]

Of course you will cope! It may take some adjusting at first when hubby flys out for the very first time after bubs but every new mummy goes through that with a new baby once all the help of the help from teh first few weeks finishes up...

Im 22 and have a 3yr old & almost 9month old and my partner does 4/1 and i cope fine, all our family are in NSW and we are in WA so have NO help at all!

[SassyMummy]

I guess people who are not in that situation themselves (nor would want to be) cannot fathom how it'd be a perfectly fine situation for others.

I, personally, cannot understand it, and would probably be the one to ask this question - but that doesn't mean I'd be saying it as a criticism... instead, it's me being nosey, but also indirectly asking to be enlightened. :)

[Timestwo]

In all honesty, it will probably be harder than you think and support does tend to wane after the excitement of the new baby wears off. I think they are just well meaning and if someone was to ask me or my husband about doing FIFO with babies/children we would tell them to not bother.
You will cope on your own. I had 3 under 2 plus was pregnant with toddler twins and manage with no support but it is incredibly hard.

My husband has done FIFO for the past 18 months, we lived residential before that. My twins were 7 months old when he started and now we have a 3rd baby. My twins suffer from incredible separation anxiety and wake up several times a night wanting their Dad. They cry as soon as they see the airport. Hubby has done a variety of shifts, 26 and 9, 4 and 1 and now 2 and 1. They dont understand why he is coming and going. They took their first steps when he was away and by the time he got home they were walking.
Hubby comes home and feels left out. He is a very hands on Dad and gets frustrated that he is out of the loop. 2 weeks is a long time in a childs/baby life. This swing our baby girl has started rolling and he has missed this as well.
We have been in a mining for a long, long time, hubby is a Pilbara boy most of his life. We hate FIFO with a passion and are going back to a residential position.
From one FIFO wife to another, I would be one of those people telling you guys to go resi or find something closer to home ;)

[zombiekitty]

We moved closer to my parents when I was just about to give birth to our second child so that I had support.
We are lucky though as my parents live in an area where there is plenty of work in DH's field and his wage is nearly double what it was when he was FIFO.
I love having support (even though its limited) and the kids are thriving having family around.

[mrsd72]

In all honesty, it will probably be harder than you think and support does tend to wane after the excitement of the new baby wears off. I think they are just well meaning and if someone was to ask me or my husband about doing FIFO with babies/children we would tell them to not bother.

I agree with this
my husband was going to do interstate truck driving when I was on maternity leave and I put my foot down
I think if you're used to it, thats a different thing and everyone deals with those types of circumstances differently

[summastarlet]

Zombie, Mouse, Super -Thank you for sharing your stories. Nice to know that other people cope just fine!

Super-The people who have been asking me haven't been doing it in a concerned way asking about DH missing out. :no: Several have actually turned around and told me that I won't be able to cope without my hubby around (way to make me feel good).

Sassy-Yup I understand some people are just curious (lots of people always ask about FIFO and living like this) and I don't mind that but like I said above some are just being rude.

Timestwo-Thank you for your honest opinion and sharing how you have coped. It is also good for me to hear the other end of the spectrum in regards to this.
I do not believe my support will wane (well possibly from friends but never from my family). My DH's rosters are quite stable and at the moment he is working 2 weeks on 2 weeks off so his time away and home should be fairly regular.
Unfortunately the company he works for doesn't offer residential, only FIFO..actually I don't think any company he has worked for has had residential positions. Finding something closer to home isn't really feasible either as there are not many jobs going in the area and stopping FIFO work would mean a huge drop in income which would probably cause more stress then its worth..especially when we have baby things to buy and IVF cycles to pay off.

[IndigoJ]

Im sure you will be fine :) DP went FIFO when DS1was 2mths old. I had a very weak support system. My mum lived 3000km away, and IL werent very helpful when it came to baby. I coped ok. I just slept when he slept and didnt bother about the house until the day before he (DP) came home. He was on a 2wk on 1wk off roster. I think you just have to adjust, like anything to do with babies, you have to learn and figure out what works best for you.

DP has been FIFO for the past 3yrs, and just recently i had another bub so was at home by myself with a 3yo and a newborn, it wasnt east to begin with but we got the hang of it.

Try not to let people get to you, just because someone else doesnt didnt cope and just because others think you wont doesnt mean you cant prove them wrong. Give it a go, if you arnt handling it then you can decide where to go from there.

PS, i think you are a strong person going through what you have already, i think you would cope fine :)

PPS I always find myself trying to tell people that DP gets more time with the kids as FIFO than working at home, nobody seems to understand.

[krystallxx]

Hugs! My dp is FIFO too and I got all the comments too. Tell em to jam it!

[tasha1984]

DP started FIFO when DD was 3 months old. We moved 3500kms away from all family and friends and guess what, I'm still sane and allowed out in public and my DD is 1 year old and the most well adjusted baby I know.

You an do it. It is only as hard as you let it be. Yes there are times you will want DH there. But just like now without baby, it will be lovely to have him home and a break for you as he will want all the time with bubby.

To the person who said it will be harder than you think, hope this doesn't make OP doubt herself as a new mum. Way to go with confidence boosting.

OP, you will do great! Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy. And to the people who tell you, you won't cope... Tell them it's none of their freaking business and you will do just fine. And keep their negative comments to themselves!

[bellalika]

With your family around as a back up, I think you'll be fine. Support is the key. My experience is with my parents though, me as a kid. When Dad took a residential job (not really a choice) we all had to go overseas. Mum had no support and Dad worked 6 day weeks. I know what they would have chosen if given the option.

[Azurial]

Try to see if her can get a few hitches off after the baby is born, that way he will have a really good chance to make a strong bond with the baby and to help you in those first months. DH works international FIFO on a 28/28 and he is finding it harder to go to work, but we just keep reminding ourselves that there is no way he could earn this money and get this much time with his child if he left the rigs. Ds has adjusted really well to his dad leaving... I alway s think this time he will crack it but he hasnt yet, I guess he doesnt know any different now. I do get dh to ring often and we do try to video skype as often as we can bear as its a really bad connection.... I have lots of photos of dadda around the house and mention him all the time and correct ds when he calls some one else or me dadda.

It's so doable, and I'm sure you will be fine. It usually is the fathers who have the hard time of it though and I have heard stories of the father getting home and the children running away scared of this strange man. That would be heartbreaking for anyone so I do my best to stop that from ever happening.

Ont worry about everyone else...... and the whens and hows and whats just get worse from here on in for any new mother, so unfortunately, youmay aswell get used to it......;) Good luck and feel free to pm me if you ever feel the need.

[SassyMummy]

Dude, you can totally cope without him around all the time.

I didn't live with my ex when I had DD. I lived with him for less than a year in the first 3 years of DD's life... I coped just fine.

It's really dumb if people assume you'll be so helpless you'll need him there to make sure you don't screw everything up. :hugs:

[Laksa]

I'm a FIFO wife :)

It was hard when my second was a baby but otherwise fine. I get to sleep in when he's home, he gets so much more quality time with the kids than many dads, he earns enough that I can be home with the boys.

We never really considered him not working away, it's his career and our lifestyle, we've been doing it since 2003!

[summastarlet]

Indi-Thank you! I do feel like I am strong enough to cope. I managed to get through everything else this past year or so with DH working away!

Krystall-:laughing: Thank you! I will be tempted to say that next time someone asks or comments...

Tasha-Thank you for sharing your story and for the confidence boost!!

Bella & Sassy-Thank you!! :hugs:

Azurial-Thank you for the tips. With the way DH's roster is we are hoping he will be able to have about 6 weeks at home with me around the time bub is born. So hopefully that gives him a good chance to bond and to give me some help in the first few weeks while we are still learning!

Laksa-That's how we feel too-it's our lifestyle and DH's career...sure it can be hard but at the moment the pros outweigh the cons!

[M0useHunt]

I think if he has always done FIFO frm teh start of your child life they handle it abit better too as thats all they know so are use to it, i think it would be difficult for DD to adjust if he had of only started doing it now as she would have been use to hiom coming home every night, when we drop daddy off she is fine, gives him kiss & cuddle and doesnt cry on teh way hoem or anything like that, she occasionally will ask fo rhim and i will say he wil be home soon or ask if she woudl liek to call him and have a chat, we also have a special box filled with lots of little knick nacks "from daddy" every night when daddy calls her before bed she is aloud to get one special present from her box from daddy and they talk about her little present and she thinks its from him and will be like wow thankyou daddy and tell him all about teh present LOL i just go to crazy clark once a week and get a few $2-5 items, (books mainly) or little balls,whistle,dvds ( she loves Cailou & arthur and Kmart has the dvds for $4) and pt them in the box when she is in bed to top it up.

we also do alot of drawings and paintings etc for dad when he gets home. so even once your bub gets to an age where she may begin to miss him and get upset/sad/down there are lots of ways to get around that, most the time Mia is just happy with 'daddys at work'

[jadee22]

My dh started fifo work about 9 months ago so that I could be a sahm. We have moved to be closer to him however that means we see him every second week rather than once a month.

We have had 'friends' continually force the point that they "could not do that TO their family" (like fifo is some kind of neglect or abuse). It is heart breaking not to feel supported by people that are supposed to care about you. We have made these decisions as a family... what is best for OUR family (not theirs). It means that my boys can spend 7 full days a fortnight with their father rather than 4.

I have two boys (3 and 12 months). They undoubtedly miss their father while he is at work but he more than makes up for it on his days off. He not only has the time to spend with his boys but also the enthusiasm.

I am happy with our life. It is amazing how good it feels to know that you can do better than survive without your dh. I am in a great routine. My boys have me 24/7 and that is all that I ever wanted.

You will do great! Prove the critics wrong I say... that is my goal anyway!

Sent from my HTC Desire using Bubhub

[louellyn]

My DH was FIFO from when we met up until our son was 6 months old.

I coped okay but my DH didn't. He hated being away from our son as he is a very hands on dad. We eventually moved to a town where we could both work and DH could be residential and home every night.

We may well go back to FIFO down the track but not until DS can understand why DH goes away.

[wannaBamumma]

I just had to reply! Dh started FIFO when DD was 4 months old (now 10months) and if it wasn't for FIFO I would have been back at work long ago! I get all the 'pity' from people saying things like 'awww you poor thing being alone etc etc'... My dh does 7 on7off so its a really good balance. We have previously done 3 weeks on 4 days off and 2on1 off and we just made the decision that 7/7 was right for us! I find the extra time with him is invaluable for DD. We just keep reminding ourselves that if he was in a 'normal' job, he'd be seeing her less Han what he is now. Don't listen to he negativity! I know it is hard sometimes but you just need to get on with it and think about the positive step for your family! When dh is away DD and I go to swimming and a music class which really makes the time go fast!

[samflavell]

Hi, My DH has been doing FIFO for the past 5 years. We did 2 years of 4 weeks on 1 week off, it then dropped to 3 on 1 off for a year and now we have been doing 2 on 1 off for a year. We have two little girls and I went through both pregnancies without him around much to help but thankfully have an awesome support network and my sister LOVES being an Aunt and went to all appointments that DH couldn't attend and was also there for the births of both of my children. She feels that she has more of a connection with them because of this than if DH had been around more. I generally don't have an issue with people asking what FIFO is like, its the "poor you, you must be so lonely" comments that get me down at times. Its not nice to be reminded that you are alone, as FIFO wives generally try to keep themselves busy enough not to notice. And most people don't mean to get us down, they just don't understand. My Father was in the navy, so I have grown up understanding that daddy was away at work (sometimes up to 9 months of the year) and I admire my mother immensely as she didn't have the support network that I have and she coped just fine! :) (sometimes I feel she coped better than I do at times)
Eventually we would like to stop FIFO work, but at the moment, it works for us and is hopefully setting us up well for the future, and I agree, DH has more quality time at home with the kids as opposed to working at home as before he started FIFO he was working 6 days a week, 6 am - 6/7pm and on call on Sundays so even worked most Sundays and was generally asleep on the couch by 8/9pm. Back then it was just the two of us and we hardly saw each other, imagine adding 2 other people wanting attention to that scenario!
In relation to the kids coping with it, you have to find what works for you as a family. We try to spend the day before he flies out as just our family nucleus. We encourage our DD's to help Daddy pack his bag (altho he does repack it later in the day to tidy it up! hehe) and we simply "hang out" and remind them that Daddy has to go back to work. We do get tears and the tears make mummy teary too, but we all have a snuggle and we plan things to do while daddy is away and even plan things to do with daddy while he is home. Our DD's get to speak to Daddy most days on the phone whilst he is away, and we also do things like leave Daddy messages while he is at work and has no signal, and I also use my phone to take videos to send him, either of milestones or just something they want to show/tell daddy about. Gotta love modern technology!!

[laurea]

Aww honey i feel your pain. I'm not in your situation but i have had mre than my share of negativity regarding my pregnancy. I don't have any real advice, i just wanted to say that i think it's lovely that you're pregnant. Try to ignore the negativity of others. You're having a baby and it's lovely :)

If support is an issue when you have the bubs maybe you could try meeting some other mums in your area?

In any case congratulations :)

[summastarlet]

Thanks so much for all the replies and sharing your stories ladies. Helps so much to hear that so many others are living with a FIFO partner and coping just fine with their kids!

I have taken on the attitude of not caring what others think about our situation. It's our life and this is how we live!!! I'm still getting plenty of questions and comments but I've got plenty of ammunition to serve back!

[Cromo]

DH doesn't do FIFO but he works away 14 days is home 7, but i can understand how you ladies feel.
His company does FIFO but it's mainly the people who live in WA fly in to NSW or QLD.
DH has been doing this for 4+ years (with the exception of a few months of 5 days on 2 off but he was working close to home and coming home every night)

It's hard when the kids were babies and they have to go back to work after having time off for the birth etc.
Actually, it's hard at any age. DD is 2.5 years old and DS is 1 and they are always asking where daddy is. When's daddy coming home.

After DS was born last year, i suffered a bit of PND and it was terrible, especially as we were living back with my mum (who was critising my parenting!), the stress of having a newborn & toddler and my DH was away. We almost got to the stage of breaking up and talking divorce!! That's how depressed I was. Everything's good now. I've realized DH is only doing this to provide us a great life.
If he could work close to home he would but doing his job (Offsider/trainee driller on gas rigs) he has to work away. He was doing it before we met, it's his career. He enjoys it.

And for those that make snide comments about him working away and not seeing his family (my mum for one) I tell them he's providing for his family so we can live comfortably and not have to sit on centrelink. And also make it clear that he doesn't chose to be away from his family!

It's definitely gotten easier over time. I've adjusted to it being the kids and me most of the time. We have our routine. I've found the time goes quickly and before we know it DH is home.

[Farmerwife]

Hi, I just thought I might add something if you don't mind :-)

Firstly you yourself will most definitely be fine, you will cope easily, you are already used to it & now you won't be alone, you will have a bub! Please ignore those people who have no idea about it & are just being rude, let's face it they are jealous your husband/partner has such a great income! Don't ever doubt yourself as a mother, it must be such an exciting time to be pregnant, just look forward to it & ignore all that negativity!

Secondly if I can offer any advice it is to listen to some of these wonderful posts from other mothers. My father isn't in mining but is an earthmoving contractor with his own business. This meant he worked away from home. Alot. When I was small he did work at home but because it was for his own business he was gone before we were up and home after we were in bed and usually worked 7 days a week, only having Sunday morning off so we could go to church as a family. I don't really feel like he was never home, we were lucky (because dad worked so hard) to have lots of lovely family holidays. However when my youngest sister came along (11 years younger than me) and dad was starting to work away all the time developing a new branch of his business. He was away for 3-4 weeks at a time, only home for a day or two and was exhausted when he was home. The hardest part was my little sister didn't know him, it would take the entire two days for her to warm to him then he would have to leave. She was fine but it broke his heart. Dad only handled two years of this then we all moved to be with him. This was better than when I was young as dads business was doing well so he was home so much more, always gone early but home for lunch sometimes, always home for tea and we could all go to work with him too. However mum hated it, she did her best but she hated the isolation living (I loved it).

Anyway what I am trying to say is: children will be fine! We all have a fabulous relationship with our dad (there's 5 of us kids) whether he was away alot or not. Plus we are so grateful that dad worked so hard so we could go to private boarding schools as teenagers, had lovely holidays, a beautiful home and also learnt the value of hard work.

You have to do what is right for your family and no one can judge you on any of that. My mother was crucified for my father always being away but it was the best thing for our family & I wouldn't have it any other way.

Back to the advice, the hardest part will be for your hubby who has to go away and he will miss you and bub so much, technology is great so you will be fine to be able to stay in touch and I love all the suggestions on here of ways to keep the dad in your Childs thoughts, they are beautiful ideas and things may have been easier if my mum had known some of these.

Good luck with your pregnancy, enjoy this special time & look forward to your bright & lovely future. Remember all that matters is that a child has love & it's clear you and hubby will both adore this child.

[Pippy the Hippo]

I haven't read all the replies, but can honestly say I understand where you are coming from, in a weird way... lol

With it being your first (and I am in the same boat) I think everyone wants to hear that you are both going to go through this experience together, day in and day out, when in reality, it should be what works for you both.

I *do* think that perhaps you should arrange for your DP to have a week or two off when bubs first gets here, just for that special family bonding time, but then I would just go back to life as usual.

Like I said, just be firm with everyone and let them know its what works for you, and honestly, down the line, who can say what will happen. You might want him to come and live closer, you might be happy with the same arrangement... Don't let anyone make you feel bad for being happy with the way things are!!!!!!

[SpottySocks]

Have only just quickly scanned over the replies but just wanted to give child's perspective. My dad worked in shipping and from when I was 2 years old he did 3 months on 3 months off. Initially he worked on coastal ships and would call into our home town a couple of times during this period. When I was about 7 he started working for an international shipping company and was overseas for months at a time, sometimes he would be due back but because the ship wasn't in a port that he couldn't fly out of he would have to stay on board for another month. It must have been really tough on my mum, I was the oldest of 3 and when my sister was just 3 weeks old he had to leave for 3 months. She screamed and was scared stiff when he came home! Didn't take long for her to get used to him.

When Dad was home it was great, felt like we were on holiday. He was a lot of fun and always had time for us and would play and mess around with us for hours, he could come to school activities, parent help and sports games etc. Most of the other kids never had their dad's come to school because the worked, all the other kids loved him too!

We now all have a fantastic relationship with our Dad. He took a redundancy when I was about 20 and my mum was really worried about he she would cope having him around 24/7! Mum was quite tough on us as kids, but she worked part-time and looked after 3 kids so she had to be, 1/2 the time she was a single parent. She always encouraged us to write letters to dad and send him drawings and paintings etc. In return we got postcards and letters back, it was exciting checking the letterbox to see if we had a letter from dad - usually got one once a week.

My mum now acknowledges it was hard for her, but she says she wouldn't have it any other way. Dad was on good money and it enabled them to own their own home & car and take us on holidays - they had to work hard to make it work. But for us kids we never felt like we were missing out and Dad always more than made up for it when he was home.

Am sure you will be fine, every family is different and we all do what works best for us.

Goodluck!

[summastarlet]

Thanks Spotty. Great to hear a Childs perspective of what it's like. :yes:

[lulu21]

DH works on an 8 and 6 roster has done since DD was 8 months old.

In all honesty, its tough and lonely but I cope and its getting easier as the kids are getting older.

I have a good support network, my Mum, sister, MIL and FIL are less than 10 mins away.

Before this job DH was working 7am till sometimes 7 at night including some weekends. At least I know know when he's home he's "mine" so to speak. Those 7 days off are such quality time with the kids, he is very hands on and they get lots of Daddy time.

The kids also cope very well with him coming and going, they count down the sleeps and I know he misses us terribly but it works well for us at the moment.

Good luck :)