I am pregnant and so is sister in law

[abelka]

Hi everyone

This is my first post. My DH and I recieved the exciting news that we will be first time parents around 22/5/07 and we have been trying for 4 months. We couldn't keep the secret so we had to tell my dad and brothers who live not far from us. Weare planning on going to see DH parents next weekend for a week as they live in the country and thought we would tell them in person. DH sis rang up and said she was coming to stay this week from Sydney and she was 7 weeks pregnant with baby 2 due less than 2 weeks before me! She wasn't even trying.

We didn't tell her I was pregnant. It is going to be so difficult to not say anything this week when I see her. DH doesn't want to tell her until he tells his parents.

I am also feeling a bit angry. I feel I will lose some of the limelight. I was hoping my mother in law would come up for the birth but now she may not cause she will want to help her own daughter with her new baby. My mother passed away 3 yrs ago and I was looking forward to having someone to share it with. Am I just being selfish?

[indigoin0z]

i dont think you are being selfish.... you are human...

i understand your feelings about the limelight issue.... it seems really silly, but i too have had issues with the having to share with another all my pregnancies...
#1 my sister - her first (she too had tried really hard so i actually felt guilty because we werent even trying)
#2 my sis inlaw - decided she wanted to have a 4th after seeing our first (& her youngest being 8?)
#3 my new sis inlaw from russia who is 40?:eek: she didnt even want one, she just went along for the ride cauz her loser husband wanted it to make his life look shiny (long story:devil6: )

it will be really hard for you having to wait to tell....
good luck with it.. dont be too hard on yourself..:rolleyes:

[Hels*Bels]

Welcome to bubhub and congrats on your first pregnancy :smiliedance:

Try not to see your SIL's pregnancy as a threat. It will be really good to have someone to share your pregnancy with who is due around the same time. Look at it as a way to support each other rather than feeling second best. I would also speak to your MIL when the time is right and ask if she is able to offer you some support too, she may be willing to share herself between the 2 of you if she knows how much it means to you.
I wish you all the best and good luck with your pregnancy :)

[Kaileysmum]

I don't think your being selfish at all. Its your first pregnancy and its exciting. As for the limelight thing I know how you feel, the day dd was born was the day my SIL decided to tell everyone she was pregnant. It just felt like she took away our limelight. Congrats on ur pregnancy!!!

[WeloveHarriet]

To be honest I think that you are being a little selfish. Every baby is a blessing whether planned or not. We lost our first baby at 19wk 3d and so when we fell pregnant with our daughter we were overjoyed. My sister phoned us a week later and told us that she had fallen pregnant with her second - BIG SURPRISE (her kids' nicknames are Xmas Party 1 & 2 as they have both been conceived after her husband's work parties!!). I was just as excited for her as I was for us. It meant that I had someone who could understand everything that I was going through and I could ask questions as she had done it all before. My mother was and is as excited at each child's birth as she was when my niece was born 9yrs ago. I am sure that your MIL is thrilled to have 2 babies coming and the other thing to remember is how lovely that your babies will have each other as friends as well as cousins being so close in age. Good luck with your pregnancy.

[indigoin0z]

To be honest I think that you are being a little selfish. Every baby is a blessing whether planned or not..

with all due respect, i dont think anyone is saying we wish bad on others that we have had to share with... but,
it is hard being human sometimes & the feelings it can throw our way because of whatever life/family complications we have had..

i also understand this feeling even moreso when you dont have a mother or supportive family,
its hard not to feel validated excepted by people that are meant to, & bringing a baby into it is really complex & hurts even more when the baby is second best also... it totally suks :thumbsdown:

[Bolli]

Hey Indigo

Firstly - congratuluations on your pregnacy :smiliedance: :smiliedance: its so exciting (scary nervy and wonderful) to be pg for the first time (I'm about a week ahead of you.

Perhaps I can put another spin on your situation for you . . . I have also lost my mother, and its times like these that you feel it hard. About 3 weeks before I found out I was pg, my sister announced she was pg with number 3 - while being happy for her, I was a little upset because I wasn't and as this would be her last kid I thought we missed our chance to share something. When I found out I was pg, far from feeling second fiddle - this being my first my sister and family have all made a major fuss of me. My dad is over the moon that we are expecting together, as are all my Aunties, and its been amazing to be able to ask her all those little questions you have first time round - I think its making us closer. Actually a little part of me thinks maybe our Mum had something to do with was doing this together - its very special.

And just imagine how you would feel now if you weren't pg? I hope you don't think I'm dismissing your feelings, they are very vaid, just trying to put a brighter spin on it for you, this is such an exciting time for us!
:hugs:

[clucky]

I am also feeling a bit angry. I feel I will lose some of the limelight. Am I just being selfish?

no you are not being selfish, I feel the same. My SIL (from DH side) is preg with #2due in about 6 or so weeks and when i found out she was preg I was happy for her (and still am) as she had 2 mc, but as this is my first i wanted to be the only one and have all the limelight, but the good thing is my bub will have a cousin 2months older than her. I'm the 1st and only on my side though (and my mum is giving me plenty of att)

[Sholmes]

I think the last thing you should be concerned or be thinking about is losing some of the limelight. People don't have kids for attention, do they? My BIL and SIL have a son who is 5 months older than our DD and we think it's great. Think about the positives. You have someone to share pregnancy stories with, someone who will relate to your pregnancy symptoms, someone who knows EXACTLY what you are going through, your bubs will be close in age and have someone to play with on holidays and family gatherings. My inlaws are totally thrilled that they have a grandson and granddaughter so close together and to share Christmas, birthdays and holidays with. I'm sure your MIL will be there for you.

[abelka]

Thanks for your thoughts. To those out there who think I am being selfish. Thanks maybe I am! At least I admitted I was feeling that way. I am extremely happy for my SIL. I do agree if I was not preg and she was that would make me feel worse.

Unfortunately My SIL is not one to discuss her feelings. She is very closed off. She is not one to discuss pregnancy issues, with anyone. Plus she lives in another state. She got married 2 months before DH and I, she made DH mum pay for entire wedding and made her organise everything. MIL had said she would give us some money at the start, but then she had none left from SIL wedding. I didn't really want her money anyway. But it is the selfishness of others in the family that really annoys me. They expect MIL to take time off work and travel hours to them to babysit their DD whenever they want to go anywhere. MIL had taken so much time of work for SIL wedding She had no time to come to our wedding. MIL lives 1000 km away.

I know my birth will be second priorty to her own daughter's. It will be fantastic that our kids are the same age, especially as my bros will not have babies anytime soon.

Thanks for all your thoughts and will try to consider the positives and maybe discuss with MIL how much I would like her there.

[Foxy]

Hi abelka, congratulations! I am also a May mummy to be, due on the 10th. Best wishes for a great pregnancy. :)

PS. you can have my MIL, but you can't ever give her back! :laughing:

[Faeml]

I understand how you feel. I know I would have felt exactly the same way if my BiL's GF had done the same thing. Be it selfish or not, it's only human and I'm sure you wouldn't choose to feel that way if you didn't have to.

My father had a bad stroke just 5 weeks before my baby was born. She's the first grandchild on both sides and everyone was excited about it. But after my Dad got sick everyone's attention was on him (and rightly so) and instead of enjoying my last few weeks of pregnancy I spent it trudging to the hospital every day.

But there still was a tiny little part of me that was almost resentful that the "limelight" was gone - and then I felt guilty about feeling like that because my dad was critically ill in hospital! I knew I was being selfish, but I couldn't help it.

You know though, it all worked out in the end. Turns out that Sarah was just as important for his rehab as the speech and OT. Getting to see your grandaughter is great motivation to get up and moving :thumbsup:

[mysonroger]

i've never thought of pregnancy in terms of having all the limelight. that whole idea seems really strange to me. then again. when i found out tht my MIL was going to announce my pregnancy to her tiny little village in the very north of northern ireland- I did a runner:eek: because i sooooooo didn't want the limelight. but different strokes for different blokes i guess.

personally i'd be really happy for me to have someone to share the journey with. and you don't know what your MIL is going to do at the time. you might be wasting valuable energy by worrying about something that hasn't happened. you might even be glad your MIL gets occupied with your SIL if you discovers you have different ideas about how to best care for a baby.

[mysonroger]

PS. you can have my MIL, but you can't ever give her back!

:laughing: :laughing:

love it.

[indigoin0z]

Hey Indigo

Firstly - congratuluations on your pregnacy :smiliedance: :smiliedance: its so exciting (scary nervy and wonderful) to be pg for the first time (I'm about a week ahead of you......
.....And just imagine how you would feel now if you weren't pg? I hope you don't think I'm dismissing your feelings, they are very vaid, just trying to put a brighter spin on it for you, this is such an exciting time for us!
:hugs:


sorry, just wanted to advise,
i think you meant your message for 'abelka'... the thread starter...:)

[Bolli]

I did - must be baby brain :D !

[indigoin0z]

i just wanted to clarify in my support & understanding of 'ablekas' situation..

i think the 'limelight' word is causing great offence... its more wanting to be equal & just as important as others... nothing more:yes:

yes we 'may' be being selfish, in some peoples eyes.. but we are human... & its not like we chose to initially feel that way, just as us mothers dont choose to have bad feelings toward our new-born bubs, but sometimes we do...

i was just being honest.... & it would take 3years to explain my dribble behind my [x] families situation/experience,
but i think people who have good family situations - stable family etc may be a little naive in forgetting that not everybodys family is ideal... & its not all smily rose gardens...
i came from a rejected/neglectful/abusive childhood & family situation, only escaped the insanity with the help of my DH...
unfortunately to be thrown into 'his' family which is insane in a whole different way...
not a happy situation bringing children up around... which is partly what instigated our interstate move!

thanx for listening
just keep your minds open people, & try not to judge what you havent lived!:(

[SammiJane]

Congratulations on your pregnancy abelka!!
My SIL is pregnant as well as i am and due the month before me, we actually annouced our pregnancy before them, they knew we had been trying but i didnt know they had been trying for just as long as us. Yes i am happy for them, i do have a great SIL but i did kinda feel hurt at first.But its also great because we get to discuss things and feelings etc. They are also in another state but we keep in contact via phone and emails. I was worried that my my MIL and FIN wouldnt worry too much about me but they have been great always asking how i am and saying how proud they are. I have been blessed with great inlaws. I guess what i want to say is that feeling will probably go away.. Please enjoy your pregnancy.

Sam
PS i dont think you are selfish and i pat you on the back for admitting it;)

[Mia]

Abelka, I have some of the same feelings as you so I empathise. I am due right now with my first baby. My older sister is having her second c-section baby in 10 days. The more overdue I get, the closer her c-section gets and the more happy she seems to be that our babies will be nearly the same birthdate.

She announced her pregnancy a couple of weeks after we announced ours. I was kind of crushed. I was happy for them because they had been trying for a while and we had got pregnant pretty much straight away. But I was excited about being the unexpectedly pregnant one and suddenly there were two of us.

My situation is complicated a bit by the fact that she and my mother live relatively close to each other, 1000kms away from me (like your SIL and MIL). So she leans on my parents a lot more and they have a very close relationship with their first grandchild. Also I'm not super close to her as we are quite different etc. So for me the distance is actually a positive, I think. Also she has some pregnancy health issues that make her pregnancy more attention seeking while I have had smooth sailing. Not complaining about that, but she enjoys the drama I think.

Anyway there's nothing you can do about it, so just enjoy and focus on your own family. That's what I'm doing! Sorry if this sounds bitter, I am happy for both of us...

[OopsieDaisy]

Welcome and congrats!!
I don't think you are being selfish at all! Maybe have a chat to her and you never know :)

[abelka]

Foxy, thank so much that made me laugh!

indigoin0z you hit the nail on the head. :thumbsup: Thanks so much for your defense. :D Limelight isn't really the word for it is it? Thanks for understanding exactly how I am feeling. This was my first post and I have been cained, I think this may be my last for quite a while. I now feel worse than when I started. :(

I am over it now! I am thinking positively about it all now. If my SIL gets a lot more of MIL attention/time then DH and I it will be what I expected of her. If we get equal, than that will be a positive and very unexpected, I will be happily surprised and pleased if this happens, and I won't be dissappointed if it doesn't.

I am just going to think about how happy my mum would have been if she was here to share it with us. SHe would be over the moon. She would have rang everyone she knows by now to tell them. In heaven I am sure everyone knows by now and they are probably sick of hearing about it!

Thanks for all your support. Iam glad I am not the only one out there with issues. I want it to be perfect but as I am learning very quickly nothing is perfect or should I put it positively for everyone else. Everyone is perfect just from different perspectives.

[indigoin0z]

.....indigoin0z you hit the nail on the head. Thanks so much for your defense. Limelight isn't really the word for it is it? Thanks for understanding exactly how I am feeling. This was my first post and I have been cained, I think this may be my last for quite a while. I now feel worse than when I started.

I am over it now! I am thinking positively about it all now. If my SIL gets a lot more of MIL attention/time then DH and I it will be what I expected of her. If we get equal, than that will be a positive and very unexpected, I will be happily surprised and pleased if this happens, and I won't be dissappointed if it doesn't.

I am just going to think about how happy my mum would have been if she was here to share it with us. SHe would be over the moon. She would have rang everyone she knows by now to tell them. In heaven I am sure everyone knows by now and they are probably sick of hearing about it!

Thanks for all your support. Iam glad I am not the only one out there with issues. I want it to be perfect but as I am learning very quickly nothing is perfect or should I put it positively for everyone else. Everyone is perfect just from different perspectives.

good luck abelka!

dont be too disheartened by the replies you got...
ive come to remember in forums like this, they are full of people that live in our world...
& they come with all the issues - lack of experience/understanding/empathy/tolerance...:rolleyes:

im slowly learning to be more understanding as i expect them to be of me:banghead:
ive also felt the frustration of using 'a' word to replace what i cant think of at the time & getting caned also...

good-luck with your bub/mil/sil...
i genuinely hope it can turn into a positive experience for you!:hugs: :wave: