Share your termination journey

[TJ]

Just thought we could share our termination journies and how they have effected us:

I personally dont regret ever having a termination - not once but twice.
I was on the pill both times so i certainly didnt use the terminations as a form of birth control as most people tend to assume. Both time i was pregnant to my husband at both times he was only my BF.

The first time i didnt find out i was pregnant until i was 8 weeks, i use to skip my period on the pill so obviously had no idea that i was late, or that i had skipped or missed a period. I was feeling slightly queasy for about a fornight and started complaining to girls at work about it, they suggested i do a HPT, but i laughed it off as i was on the pill and didnt think that i COULD be pregnant.
One of them suggested that i get a papsmear done as i hadnt had one previously and that may have something to do with it.
I went along had the smear test done, the lady asked me if i was pregnant i said no and that was that. She later phoned me that arvo and said that i should do a test, but she had forgotten to tell me about that before i left.
I was one step ahead of her, one of the girls bought me a test and i did it at work and it came up positive right away.
I didnt know what to do let alone what to say to this girl that was standing there with me. I didnt know wheter to cry or get angry.

I debated for a few days about what i was going to do. And in the end hubby and i decided it was best to terminate. Neither of us were ready to become parents.
We weren't emotionally or financially ready to deal with that.
I wasnt a stong enough person to go through with the pregnancy and look at adoption as an option. To me i just couldnt bear to deal with that.

I asked to go private, so i got a referral to a gyno, got an appt a few days later, went and saw her, she did a councelling session with me to make sure that i was ok with the decision i had made, and that i was making that decision for ME not for anyone else. She then booked me in for the next morning to have the procedure done. She also gave me a tablet (cant remeber the name of it) which i was to take as soon as i woke the next morning which was to soften my cervix to make it easier to do the procedure.

I didnt sleep that night, was tossing and turning, wondering if i had made the right decision. I thought NOPE im NOT going to have this done, im going to keep this baby, however deep down i knew that i wasnt in any sort of position to offer this child any decent sort of life. So i went along to my appt which was at a private hospital.
I had never been sooo scared in all my life. I felt as if ppl were staring at me and knew why i was there, of course they had no idea, i was just absolutly paranoid.

Without going into too many details, from the time i was put under the general to the time i woke up was only about 20-30 mins. I felt really groggy and just wanted to sleep.
Once i came to, a nurse helped me get up and helped me to get dressed. She then asked how i was feeling physically and emotionally.
At that stage physically i was a little crampy, and emotionally i was ok, i didnt really know how to feel.

I went home and just had to start getting on with life i supppose, after that day i never really got upset about what i had done, as i knew that i wouldnt have been able to give my child a decent life. i wasnt ready to be a parent so i didnt regret my decision at all.

Then about 12 months later to the day, i started having the same queazy feelings and i just knew that i was pregnant AGAIN.
This time i lost it, i thought to myself, why me, why am i being faced with this decision yet again. I felt so embarrased, that this had happend a second time.

Once again i wasnt ready to be a mother so decided to have another termination.
This was a hard decision to make, much harder than the first.
I felt about an inch tall when i made my appt, they asked if i had previously had any terminations to which i obviously answered yes, i felt soo judged and so "wrong" for lack of a better word.

this time i went through a clinic. I had a scan done the morning that i got there and i was 11 weeks pregnant, i was soo angry at my self for not 'knowing' sooner . I had no idea, once again i was on the pill and had been skipping my periods so i didnt know any different i suppose

This time physically after the termination i was in ALOT of pain. This pain lasted for about 2 weeks after, i was constantly cramping and was doubled over in pain.
I was emotionally ok afterwards as i had kept telling my self it was the right thing to do.

Now looking back my last termination was just over 18 months ago.
I still dont regret the decisions i had made to have them done, as for ME it was the best thing to do at that time.
The one thing that bothers me now, is that we are TTC and its not happening easily at all. I some times think that its Karma for me making the decisions i did in the past.
But then again you are never thrown anything in life that you cant cope with.
Things may seem tough at times but you will get there in the end, if things are still tough then its NOT the end.

So now i cant wait to finally fall preg, and even more so give birth and hold my baby.

It by no means has been an easy jounery to get to this point, but everything that i have been though certainly has made me a stronger person.

Sorry for this being soooo long winded, i sort of just needed to get it out for my own benefit as well.

If any one has any questions or needs some advise, please feel free to PM me.

[indigoin0z]

although i cant relate to your situation, i just wanted to stick my head in for you...
thanx for being brave enough to share...
im sure you'll make alot of others feel more comfortable..:yes:

[aggero]

You are so brave for sharing your story with us TJ :hugs:

I hope that others in a similar situation can use this forum to get the support that they need! :yes:

I admire your bravery at being the first to post in this section TJ.

[TJ]

:hugs: Thank you all soo much for being soo supportive.
I was a little hesitant as i wasnt sure what type of response i would get, if any.
But hey if i can help someone else who has or who has about to go through the same thing, then that just brings a smile to my face :yes:

[flib]

I had a termination for a pregnancy with my current partner about 14 years ago when we had been together for about 1 year. There was no question at the time. I/we were sure we didn't want to have a baby.

Now we've been together for 15 years and our 3rd child is due in November. I do regret the termination now although I think it could have made our lives together quite different. I really felt it once we decided to have children together - you see pregnancy in a different light. And if you miscarry as we did then you really think about it!!

Still I really believe that women should have the right to choose whether or not to continue a pregnancy and that we shouldn't be judgemental about this choice. We probably did the right thing for us at the time but I'll always be a little sad about it.

Best wishes

Flib

[susmamma]

Now we've been together for 15 years and our 3rd child is due in November. I do regret the termination now although I think it could have made our lives together quite different. I really felt it once we decided to have children together - you see pregnancy in a different light. And if you miscarry as we did then you really think about it!!



Ditto here. We've been together 11 years and about to have baby #2. We fell pregnant when we'd been together for about 4 or 5 yrs. Then when we did try to concieve after that pregnancy we m/c. Personally, I think I will always regret the decision to terminate. It took a lot of healing (many years in fact) to forgive myself for that decision. At the time I thought it was the right one to make and I genuinely believe we make the best decision we are capable of making at any given time. Now that decision would be different but I see things quite differently now too. Having terminated a pregnancy, lost a baby to m/c and birthed a live baby I kind of feel I've done the triffector of pregnancy! LOL.

Good luck concieving. And dont think for even one second that because it's taking a while to get pregnant this time has anything at all to do with the terminations. In my view, the universe just doesnt work like that.

:hugs:

[kalebsmummy]

Thanks for opening this thread TJ - it's a very sensitive and touchy subject of course, but at the same time it's important to be able to share our stories.

I was pressured into a termination with my bf of 2 months :eek: It was all very hush-hush as I was quite young (20) and was, unfortunately, too scared and ashamed to tell my parents (my parents disapproved of my bf ... for good reason I later found out).

The termination was carried out quickly and with no sensitivity or support at all -- I was left in the surgery to deal with it alone as my bf went shopping with his friend :no: Later that day it 'happened' via painful cramping and bleeding. I ended up in hospital later the next morning due to severe blood loss -- my cervix had closed and I was haemmoraging (sp?) fresh blood and needed a D&C. To date, I've received no counselling to speak of - it wasn't offered at the time and I haven't the courage to speak to anyone about it.

Now that I'm a mother, I've been thinking about the first baby quite often. I no longer feel guilty but I do get a sense of emptiness every now and again - the fact that my baby/babies share the same father does little to comfort me - I'm a sole parent! :banghead:

Sorry to hijack the thread! There are alot of emotions tied up in my journey and I tend to get a tad fired up over the whole debacle.

[meme]

mine was a while back now and i feel a bit waht iffy about it. i am no longer with the guy.
i was a single mum when i entered the realtionship it happenned in and after what i went through with dd's father i didn't want to ever force anyone into being a dad , so i really did it for the guy.
i would have loved to have the baby:crying: .
i do think that it was the right decision at the time. every now and then i wonder how my life would have gone if i had done things differently.

the hardest thing was knowing the promise of life that a 6week embryo is, having had my first scan with dd at6wks and knowing she was my baby.

the whole procedure was long and drwn out. lots of waiting with lots of other women in backless gowns watching daytime telly waiting for our go.

at the time i really felt like it was something me and my boyfriend were going through together and the fact that he was excluded and not allowed into recovery really bugged me. he was there as my suport person and as a couple we had made the decision.
the clinic was very anti men , as if all women terminating are doing it because of some atrocious guy. that wasn't the case for us. he wasn't ready to be a dad and as a couple that made us not ready. as it turns out we broke up....nothing to do with terminating.

the next pregnancy i had was planned and i miscarried. i too thought that it was some karmic thing. but i also believe that our children choose us as parents and they sometimes are here for a long journey and sometimes a short journey.

i personally would never terminate again. i feel like i have used up my get out of pregnancy card. i also no longer care about forcing men into fatherhood. even though i thought it was something that we were facing as a couple, ultimately it will be with me all my life where as i doubt that he would give it a passing thought.
thankyou if you made it to the end:sleeping: . it is very cathartic to write it all out.

[Chicco25]

My son was 3mths old when I fell pregnant and all I did was cry my eyes out because I knew I couldn't keep it. My son was born with a bladder infection and cried day and night for 5mths, so I was extremelly sleep deprived and stressed

I felt kinda pressured by hubby, but I knew it would be wrong on my daughter, my son and my marriage if I kept it. I went to my GP the day after I found out and he wasn't very impressed with my decision. I asked for the baby's due date which was the worse thing I did - it was due on my b'day :crying:

I was admitted to a clinic the follwing day and was treated like cattle really - in, out, see ya later. What got to me the most was knowing what I had gotten rid of.

I havn't really thought about it until recently when I mc. I was devasted with losing bubs, but can't help karma was involved.

Hopefully karma will be nicer to me when i conceive!

[Bearskin]

I had 2 terminations; one when I was 19 and one when I was 22. Both were from drunken one night stands during self destructive times in my life. At the time I had no hesitation in making the choices I did; there was no way I was ready to become a parent. I was barely an adult (of sorts) myself. It seemed to be a simple choice to make back then; I went to a clinic on my own and dealt with it. The clinic was great; I never had a scan when I was conscious so I never saw what 'could have been'. The clinic was private and only a handful of women there; the saddest thing was seeing a young girl (looked about 14) on her own; such a sorrowful experience and so young to be going through it on her own. My 2nd termination was far more physically painful than the first and after that I vowed to never put myself through that again; had a Depo shot and cleaned myself up and started to treat myself with respect.

My actions never truly hit home until I had DD; I will never regret my choices as I cannot turn back the clock and change my life but I did feel a deep sadness a few months ago for what might have been. However my life would not be the way it is now if I had made different choices and DD may not be here instead.

[V8]

Well i was 19 and also fell pregnant after a one-night stand. I took the morning after pill which didn't work. I moved interstate and was looking for work, then i was complaining to my sister all the time that i was sooo hungry, she jokingly said 'maybe your pregnant'. I laughed it off at first, but then it got me thinking, when was my last period? I went to the doc and she confirmed i was pregnant, i said, 'no i'm not, do the test again'. she said, umm i assume this wasn't planned, i was like 'hell no!' I had to get a scan cause i wasn't sure how far along i was and they needed to know incase i wanted a termination. I dismissed the option of termination at first and was more inclined to go for adoption. But my sister was totally angry and upset at me and called me horrible names, my father also didn't speak to me, he felt like he was a lousy dad etc etc. My mum was absolutely wonderful, i thought my mum would hate me if i had an abortion cause she was a catholic and doesn't believe in it. She just said, it's my decision and whatever i decide she will support me. Pity i was in another state and was so messed up about it, i wish i had my mum with me at the time. So after a week of the most stressful time in my life i came to the decision that i would have an abortion. I had to borrow the money from my sister to pay for it. I went to a clinic in Sydney, which i vaguely remember where it was and was just waiting there with everyone else. I saw a counsellor, gave her my reasons for it and then i remember going into a room, getting into a gown, being placed on a bed and then counting down. I woke up in recovery, looking at the other girls there, it was such a sense of loss. I ate my biscuit and drank some cordial and then i went and met my sister and friend. They were both very caring, and asked me how i was, i said, 'bloody starving' and we went and had hungry jacks. A month later i had severe blood loss and took myself to the hospital where i waited for ages. I ended up losing that much blood i collapsed, i had to call in sick to work and tell them i was in hospital, but not actually telling them WHY i was in hospital. For months i had to wear pads and sometimes if i sneezed or coughed blood clots would come out. It was such a horrible experience. My baby's due date was the 27th of December 2001, and every July i remember having the termination. I sometimes wonder how things would have been if i had of kept my baby. I also feel very lucky that i have had my DS, but it always made me cringe when the doc or midwife asked me 'is this your first pregnancy' and i had to say 'no, i had a termination at 19'. So even though DS is my only child, he is really my second pregnancy, sometimes i feel i should acknowledge that, other times i just don't want to think about it.

So there is my long story, hope it may have helped others in similar situations and it's good to know that i'm not alone.

[Perth_Pony]

Hi all

After reading i just thought it be good for me to tell about my own experience with termination. Its not very pleasant but i guess they arnt mean to be hey. I do understand that not all abortions are botched like mine was but i guess i just got a little unlucky and had a drunk old abortionist when i went to the clinic that day.

I was barely 17 and living away from home with my boyfriend of 4 years. Unfortunatly I was living in a racing stable and was being sexually abused by my boss. I was too scared to leave and was so lost in myself. I ended up doing things to myself that were'nt nice and stopped caring about everything including my life and contraception.
Then one day after a few weeks of nausea i decided to go along to the hospital. They asked if i had had a period in the last few months and i said no, due to being bulimic and very underweight, i thought it was normal.
Had a few raised eyebrows around my hospital bed and went straight in for a scan.
Showed i was quite a bit pregnant. I was soooooo shocked. Walked out and told b/f, he just looked blankly at me. Went home, booked a Termination at a popular clinic for the next available day (3 days away).

Anyway, walked into the clinic at 8.30am and sat down. Watched so many girls go in and out of the theatre. I Waited till the nurse called me in about 4.30.

Asked the doctor if i could have a local anaesthetic as i had previously had a bad reaction to a general. She said nah, cant do that, one of the nurses here will talk you through it.
I was again totally shocked and asked them if it was routine to perform a late abortion with no pain relief??? Nurse says, absolutly, no worries.

So i thought, ok, no problem, how painful can it be.

Started to dilate my cervix and instantly i was in excruciating pain. I told them to please stop and i was sure i was going to faint from the pain and they just told me another few minutes it would be over. OH MY GOD it was absolute agony, i was sweating so much it felt like i had a tap turned on over my head and body. I screamed at the nurse to please please stop and she told me another few moments and it would be over.
Anyway 15 minutes later the doc sat up and stormed out of the room, I was crying sooooo much and felt so bad for putting my body and poor baby through that ordeal. It was a real eye opener.

Anyway, the nurse took me to recovery and i asked her if that amount of pain was normal. She said hmmmmmm not really but we've never performed a termination on a woman that had not had children before WITHOUT SEDATION. I was so shocked i couldnt say a word. So anyway, 15 mins later i felt a cold sensation on my back, nurse came in and dropped her bowl of instruments on the floor and screamed for the doctor. Doc came in and told her to call 000. I had no idea what was going on?? I asked but they just said that i may of lost a bit of blood and should go to the hospital. As the ambo guys (they were so gentle and very nice) picked me up and put me on the strecher i saw that i had bled RIGHT THROUGH the hospital bed and had a puddle of blood on the floor beneath me.
I cant remember much of anything else apart from a emergency D&C performed when i got to the hospy. Went home 2 days later, telling noone what had happened. Bleeding again 2 days later and went to the doctor and had a scan showing i had a massive infection where the abortionist had perforated my uterus and had retained products. I was booked in again (god dam it) for another D&C.
Anyway, it totally changed my life and even though it was the most traumatic thing ive ever been through i wouldnt take it back. I dont regret having my abortion ever. I cry over what it did to my body sometimes, and wonder what my baby would of been like, but i am thankful for the lessons it taught me and it made me into the person i am today. I also thank god that i was able to get pregnant again. (im 12 weeks today :) )

Im 21 and my abortion was 4 years ago. When i found out with this one, i had a few moments of wondering if i was ready, but im in a better place now, with a better man and i truly feel like i could give my baby a good life. Thanks for reading my story. Sorry that it was so long. Good luck all and remember that everything happens for a reason, good or bad. :)

[reAllytee]

Well this will be interesting as ive never really told the details of what happened with me.
I was 18yrs & had been with my bf at that time for approx 2yrs he was my first serious bf & i thought i was in love .... How that would change.
I had been really really ill with the flu & ear infections so had been pumped full of so many drugs etc when i missed my period in Sept 96 my doctor didnt stress to much especially as my bf at the time & i were using contraception. I wasnt getting better & ended up with pnemonia etc so more drugs etc but then didnt feel quite right still by Oct so my doctor ordered blood tests & yep i came back as being pregnant. I was horrifed as was my bf especially knowing what had been through my body of late etc. My doctor was very helpful offering lots of advice etc telling me to go home & have a good think before making any decisions especially as there was no hurry as surely i was only a few weeks pregnant.
I got back home & talked & talked with my bf, i was petrified because i knew my dad would kill me. Whilst abortion wouldve been a bad thing for me being Catholic i knew my fathers wrath was even worse, he wouldve kicked me out & cut me off from my entire family because not only was i 18yrs & pregnant but i was unmarried & with a guy he loathed ( why is it we never listen to our parents ). My bf who i thought was Mr Supportive i now look back on & see was rather manipulative in how he handled things he said all the right things like " if i wanted to keep it he would look after us both etc etc " but in the same breath was saying how he didnt have a job now & he would have to get two to support us & we wouldnt be able to afford anything etc. But to put it plainly i was scared absolutely scared sh!tless at the idea of being a mum i knew i wasnt cut out for it so made a phonecall to some clinics that i got the numbers of. The first advised me they were too busy so couldnt take anymore in & then the second advised i could only see them if i got a scan to confirm how many weeks o was. So i went back to my doctor & spoke with him he was awesome, he booked me for a scan with an immediate report to be faxed to him so he could call me asap for me to call the clinic back.
The scan was the hardest thing i ever did i felt sick watching this little being i cried the entire time & the only thing i managed to say was when i asked if the baby was "normal" because of all the medications i was on i was worried something was wrong with it. The sonographer advised she couldnt really tell but all looked ok from what she could see. This broke my heart, i got back to work & broke down. My manager was a great support she had been through one at my age so she pretty much carried me through it all especially because my bf had shut down emotionally at this point.
I got the call from my doctor who was rather frantic saying i was actually 13wks & that he was going to do some calls himself & find me somewhere. So i called back the 2nd clinic i had called originally where they advised they couldnt do it so far along but gave me the number of another place. I called this clinic & spoke with them the receptionist put me on hold while she consulted the doctors luckily she came back advising she could fit me in the following day. I freaked saying " oh cant i get next week so i can organise time off work " not thinking about it realistically she then said " You have to come in now or you will not be able to get it done at all ... So we will see you at 9am " then hung up. My doctor called back he had actually tried to find a clinic who would take me but none would i thanked him but said i found somewhere & he was relieved advising me to call anytime i needed him. I went out & advised my manager she wasnt happy but realised i had no choice so a plan was set in motion as she had to cover for me if my mum rang.
The next day i travelled to the clinic with my bf im not sure what i expected i guess something more "evil" i guess because of my upbringing. It was like a doctors office at the front with the waiting room etc i was suprised at the various age groups guess you dont really understand how it affects everyone.
I handed over my scans & they asked if i wanted to keep them as she was throwing them in the trash & i said yes. She was rather shocked but handed them back, i felt i had to keep them this was something i was going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.
I got taken in for counselling & the lady was just amazing because i had tried to take my bf in for support but being that they wanted to see it was my decision alone he wasnt allowed & i lost it. I cried & sobbed & she comforted me then realised how far along i was saying " Ok i need to advise the doctors you need to go through quickly ". The next thing i was taken into one of the doctors rooms she was female & also lovely where another doctor ended up joining us he was nice but very to the point & clinical. They were concerned because not only was i further along requiring a 2 day procedure but also had bleeding issues in the past so wanted to send me for tests before going ahead with it all etc. I also had to do a round trip & grab my childhood details for them. I was advised of the procedure being 2 days then & there as i was going to get straight back from the testing & go into theatre. Tests all came back fine it was late afternoon but they had all stayed back for me to help me through the counsellor & female doctor came in with me to hold me hands. I was again advised that once i took this step this was it no going back as they were dialating my cervix for the following day. I cried all the way through & gritted my teeth it was a little painful but it was more pyschologically damaging. My b/f then got me into a taxi & we went back to his place where i took some pain medication & slept for a few hours before getting home. I copped a lot when i got home because my mum had been trying me at work & no one got me to call back etc so she was cranky. My poor boss was upset because she forgot to get my bf's home number as neither of us had mobiles back then.
So the following day i was up bright & early i of course couldnt sleep & cried most of the nite & being in a lot of pain was just managing to keep with it. Luckily my parents slept in so i didnt have to explain what my problem was so snuck out leaving them a note reminding them i was staying with my bf that nite & to call if they needed me luckily again they didnt. I arrived at the clinic at 9am again & was in the waiting room again with so many different women, family & friends. I finally got called through & walked down the long corridor to the theatre. They used a sedation called "twilight" it means your able to move & breathe on your own but you are unconcious enough that you cant remember anything. The female doctor appeared to hold my hand again when i got onto the table she was reassuring & thats all i remember until being placed out into a recliner in recovery. This was so traumatic because they forgot to call my bf so he thought something went wrong & i felt so alone because all the other women had someone with them but pretty much all of us were crying. I had a drip in my arm & had special attention paid to me due to the bleeding, the procedure & my blood type. One girl i remember asked if i was ok & the nurse said " yes she just needs a little bit more tlc " then she realised my bf wasnt there so went & got him i remember his face was so happy to see i was ok as he had been worried i then fell asleep. I was woken an hour later to have something to eat & drink as well as to have the nurse take me to the toilet to check everything. I was then taken back to the recliner for another hour before i was allowed to change & be checked again before being allowed to go home. Everyone else had left already. The female doctor again checked on me i think because i was further along she was worried about how i would cope then organised the taxi to get us home wishing us well.
I think i was numb to be honest i went back to my bf's & slept the rest of the day away waking up to have dinner then sleeping the nite away.
The next day he acted like because it was all done that was it & silly me went along with it. He dragged me out to Newtown to do shopping which i coped well with considering the pain i was in but then lost it on the train home. My bf was angry & upset with me as though there wasnt an issue this upset me greatly again i went within myself. We lasted another month before he couldnt cope with me anymore but then strangely enough 3mths later i was stupid enough to take him back for another 3yrs. I thought he had changed & growing up with him i didnt think i could find anyone like him again :rolleyes:
This is something i have to wear now & while im not proud of it, i know i did the best i could at the time.
It only just hit me as i started writing this thats its pretty much coming up to 10yrs & that i would have a 9yr old now if i hadnt terminated .... wow.

[jamb]

Thanks TJ firstly for starting the thread and also for being brave enough to post your experience.

I fell pregnant when my baby was 8 weeks old. I was breastfeeding exclusively, had pnd and was not particuarly interested in sex. I practically had a meltdown at the thought of going through pregnancy (had a baaad pregnancy), birth (baaad birth) and at having to cope with another baby before my first was a year old.

I knew I would terminate. This was still not a nice place to be at all. I cried, my husband cried. I yelled, he yelled. From the start he offered me his support at whatever decision I made.

Ringing the clinic was so hard. I was so ashamed, I always said, accidents dont happen-who'd be stupid enough to not know that. The lady was wonderful, as I sobbed "I just cant do this, my baby is only 2 months old, I am just not ready :gloomy: " She said, it's okay, it happens to more women than you would think.

It was hard waiting, it was a week till my appointment. The MS had already set in, puke, eat, puke eat, puke eat.

On the day I had to go alone as they asked me not to bring bub to clinic (for obvious reasons) so hubby waited in a park nearby with him.

There were so many women in the waiting room. Different ages, some crying others not. I was amazed at how many women there.

I found the experience to be as lovely as it could be, kind women, nice clean rooms. It was all over very quickly and the relief I felt when I woke up was monumental. A wave of relief washed over me.

I always said, I personally would not have one but the choice should be there for those that choose to have one. At the end of my first pregnancy I supported a friend through one and remember thinking, "oh if I were her would have this baby"

I have to say I dont really think about the what if's that often. We are now about to start trying for number two so will be interesting to see if we fall as easily as the last two times...

[RuthK]

Although I've never had a termination, I do admire you girls for having the guts to share your stories.

After living quite a few years in Ireland, where abortion is still not legal, I saw so many girls fall pregnant accidentally and rather than take the trip to the UK to have a termination, they went ahead with the pregnancy and kept the baby. Some took to motherhood very well but others should never had kept the baby. The pawned them off to grandparents whilst they went about their lives as usual. I felt so sorry for their poor neglected little babies.

I think you all did the bravest thing accepting that you were not in the position to have a child yet and it will make the ones you want and conceive even the more special.

[MotherOfPearl]

Thanks for sharing ladies. I have tears in my eyes after reading some of your experiences. You're all so brave and made your own decisions based on your own positions in life.

[*~alegna~*]

:crying: :crying: OMG Ladies! You are all so, so strong. Thank you for sharing your stories.

[LittleBoysRock]

:hugs:

Good on you TJ for sharing your story! Terminations are something that people dont really talk about so hopefully this thread gives some women the opportunity to share their story too.

While I havent had a termination, somebody very close to me has and I have seen how it has affected them at the time.

Your a very brave woman, goodluck with TTC!! :fingerscrossed:

[Kooy]

What a great idea for a thread. And thanks so much to TJ for kicking things off. I feel that this thread will become a well needed healing place for those who have been through the journey of a termination and also a good education for those who haven't.

I was 20 at the time. Had a typical 20 year old's lifestyle. Work.. and Party. I was living with my boyfriend of just over 1 year (who now happens to be my wonderful husband).

I had experienced troubles in the past with various mini-pills and pills with my hormones etc going absolutely haywire and having psycho mood swings with no warning. In the end, with my doctor's input, we decided that it was best for me (and our relationship) for us to use another method of contraception. So to my bf disappointment - we began using condoms. Well, the condom broke.... so, scared out of my brain that I would become preg... I went to the doctor (different one to my usual) and asked for the morning after pill. He said that I may feel nauseous and not to worry. Well I ended up feeling horrible. Having sweats and eventually (after having to tell one of my workmates what was going on...) I drove back to the same clinic and demanded to see a doctor. The nurses kept and eye on me and I ended up being sick while I was waiting.
A couple of weeks later, I began having sore breasts and rang my mum and told her what my symptoms were (not knowing this was a big sign that I was prg). She immediately asked if I could be pregnant. "No.... I hope not" was my answer. Well I was.

It was such a hard decision to make (whether to proceed or terminate) and the biggest decision I had to make in my life so far. We called both our parents and told them as we didn't want to keep secrets. Eventually once bf and I had made the decision, we let our parents know and booked in to the clinic.
My mum was so incredibly supportive. I was an unplanned pregnancy when she was 19... so it really hit home that if she had made the same decision as me, then I wouldn't be here.
It was really hard for my DH because he had already gone through a few terminations with previous relationships (one of them without his consent). But we knew it was the right decision to make. And we still don't regret it one bit.

The clinic was ok.. there was so many women there I was really surprised at how common it seemed to be. All ages too. Not just young ones which is the stereotype. The hardest part was when I woke up and there wasn't anyone that I cared about to support me. All I wanted was a hug from DH. But they wouldn't let me see anyone until I was recovered. That was really upsetting.
Leaving the clinic was hard too because there were all these protesters outside saying horrible things to us.

6 years later, we are happily married, own our own home and have a sucessful business. Our 1 year old son will grow up in a secure, happy home environment and we are so proud that we can provide that for him.


We made the right choice and I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.

[cobysmummy]

:hugs: to you all and thanks for being brave and strong and sharing your stories...

i fell pregnant at 17, whilst in year 12, and dps mother was totally for me having an abortion... however i knew i didnt want to go through that and said i would have my baby without the help of dp... it was his choice to be a part of the babies life or not...

he decided to stay with me and his mum adores coby more than anyone.. i guess it was a huge shock to be a grandmother so young, and ur only son to be a father also young, (he was 20) but we are still together and coby is 18 months...

[Starlet]

I've been reading all your stories and bawling my eyes out :(

I had a termination too, it'll be 2 years ago in this coming February.

My DF is my best friend, he has been for the last 6 years. There was always something there between us, but I was smitten with my Dp(at the time). I had two kids with my ex and we broke up when DS2 was 7 months old(he has left the start when he was 3 months old tho). DF was with someone else and was trapped into having a baby with her(long story short, she tampered with the condom and openly admitted it to me when she used to hang around me alot). So you can gather what type of person she is.

Things started heating up between DF and I. He wanted to be with me, but he didn't know how to leave her while she was preggers. We slept together on New Years when I met him after work. We didn't use condoms, but I was on the pill and thought I'd be ok.

My ex came back on the scene and wanted me back, we were in an abusive relationship and although I still felt something for him, I knew that I couldn't be with him. In February I started feeling sick. I knew I was pregnant, I broke down in front of my ex and told him and he went and got a HPT for me. It was positive. I called my DF and he came over and I told him. He didn't take it well at all. We just sat together and cried(his DD was 5 months old at the time). I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he didn't want another baby but if I wanted to keep it, then he would be there for his baby.

I went to the doc and found out I was 8 weeks preg. DF and my ex both came with me...yeah weird I know. I was told I needed to make a decision fast. So after much thought, I decided to terminate. DF didn't want a baby and I didn't even know if we were going to even be together. My ex wouldn't want me if I was preg with someone elses child(I didn't really want to be with him anyway). My kids were 2 1/2 and 1 years old. I didn't have a car or a job. I would have never been able to do it on my own.

DF didn't come with me when I had it done. I know it makes him sound awful and ur wondering why I'm even with him now. He was freaking out and he had to go to work. My ex took me. I stood outside the clinic doors for about an hour, trying to get the guts up to go in.

During this time, one of my good friends had called DF and asked him why he wasnt there with me and that I was only giving up the baby because he wasn't going to be with me if I had it. He then told her that it wasn't true and that he was prepared to be there if I wanted to keep it..bad communication on my part I guess. She tried to call me to stop me but I had already turned my phone off. :(

The people at the clinic were great and I don't remember much of what happened after I had the ultrasound done. I think I spoke to the doc and he explained the procedure to me.

I have regretted that decision everyday since then, I still can't stop thinking about it. DF and I have been together for almost 2 years now and we have a fantastic relationship. Deep down I am sort of glad I went through with it because I know that DF is with me because he wants to be with me and not because he has to be.

[nona]

Gosh big hugs to all the girls (+partners!) So many different and difficult times :hugs:

Yes I also had a termination 5yrs ago when I was 28. It was such a hard hard decision to make and one that I still regret, almost daily. It was the right decision for me at the time and that is the only solace.

I had been with my DP for 5yrs, having an affair, as he was married. I had wanted nothing of commitment/marriage with him etc, but just (thought) I loved him for who he was immensely. Ok it is all quite different in retrospect!! He did end up leaving, but much too late to save 'us'. Affairs are damaging for all parties, although it seems like they are not at the time!!

Our pregnancy was an incredible shock as birthcontrol+period at the time!! But us girls all know the feeling, that everything has changed with that little pink line/dot!! (and new life inside!)

He had a 3yr old who he dearly loved. He said from the start I'll be there for our bub as much as I am for DD (impossible I know!), but I believed this and maybe so did he. Took the decision making to the last opportunity of 12wk and the week before he said 'I don't think I can do it to my wife and DD'.

WELL a hell of a lot of blasphemy came out when he said that as I'm still sure he just couldn't do it to himself!! Of course at that point I realised I was on my own, couldn't rely on him EVER.

One problem with having a long term affair is cutting yourself off from friends, as you have a whole secret, hidden life. So only one friend knew and although very religious was great. I made a decision that a bub should have both its parents and I wasn't ready or able to be a single parent! I think quite differently now!! As it all would have been fine.

Despite him coming to all our appts together he was unable to drive me to the clinic on the day, so I caught the bus, v demeaning!!

It did feel v much like a cattle train..and the Dr describing the operation used a diagram with a couple of thousand marks from the pen he was using to point, for a couple of thousand girls before me!! I was weeping the whole time. They u/s ed but thank goodness didn't show me. I remember them asking 'are you happy with your decision?'..HAPPY, what a ridiculous term!! I said neither decision was right, but one was better than the other (at the time).

I remember vividly walking into the room and gripping the doorframe, trying not to go in, as I loved my bub and its dad too. I guess minutes later I was sedated and a while later woke v groggy, with DP there who had come to take me home. I did feel some relief that day, and the next.

Went back to work the day after and then from then on for atleast the next month and year felt v v v sad. I did go to councilling and that helped. DP and I broke up not surprisingly. A couple of months later he proposed and I said he was too late!!

It still hurts a lot. And we did get back together a couple of times, on my part to replace our lost bub.. He also left his wife and DD..but again too late for us. It is a terribly hard thing and I would never have another. Specially after seeing my present bub at 12wk u/s!!! But I think women should have the choice.

Currently 6months pregnant and bub was conceived with my new partner around the 5yr anniversary of the death of my first.

It is such a hard hard decision to make and take. But for us all it is the one we made at the time. Big healing hugs to all :hugs:

[Alatariel]

I have tried not to think of this for years, but here goes.
When I was 14 I was rebellious and thought I was alot more grown up than I was. So when I met a freind of my best friends MUCH older brother, I thought I was mature and cool for dating him. It never occured to me that he might be a pedophile.
Being rebellious and always in trouble, when he suggested that maybe I should move in with him, I jumped at the chance. 14 years old, I moved out of my parents home, much to their horror, and in with a guy they thought was 19. I could never have told them he was actually 26.
A few months later, I was pregnant. Why? I wasnt allowed to have a job, or see friends, and my centrelink got paid to him. he wouldnt give me money to fill my pill prescription, even though there was no way he wanted to be a dad. I found out when I was 5 weeks, and he immediately rang to book me in for a termination. The first appointment, i was hysterical. They gave up trying to calm me down, and sent me home. Boy, did he make me feel like **** for that. A week or so later we went through the whole horror story again, but this time the nurse at the clinic gave me an injection to calm me down. Woke up in the recovery room and immediately started vommiting so hard that i was throwing up blood. They made me stay there for over an hour, on a saline drip and anti-nauseu medication that they couldnt explain why it wasnt working. I know it was coz I was so stresssed and freaked etc. that i was making myself ill.
He took me to a friends house and dropped me there so he could go to work. The next day I lost it, called him at work, telling him i was going to kill myself. he hung up on me, and didnt come home that night, just to teach me a lesson. I did try to kill myself but ended up throwing up all the pills and sleeping it off on the bathroom floor in a puddle of my own vomit.

It took me 2 more years to leave him, by that time, i wasnt fun anymore. he didnt like women, only girls. I hear now that he is in his late 30's and still only dates 16 year olds.

You know what? i dont regret that termination. I did, for so so long. but now, I can see that it was the ONLY thing to do. I couldnt have had a child to him, I couldnt still have that bond with him now.

I'd never have another one, I'm in a position where any unwanted baby may be a strecth, but I'd never terminate again.

DP doesnt know about this incident. I couldnt bare to tell him. Sadly, he has asked if ive ever been pregnant and I lied, so ive lost my chance to tell him, ever. But i'll always remember it, even if I dont want to.

[LittleBoysRock]

Alatariel, I just wanted to give you a big :hugs: and say that I think your very brave for telling your story!

It must be diffcult to re-live the whole thing over and to keep it a secret from your partner. Hopefully getting the story out helps somewhat!

:hugs:

[V8]

Altarial, wow what a story, how horrible to have to re-live that. :hugs: Thank you so much for sharing.

[justwaiting]

Hello all,

I've sat here for the last couple of hours thinking how could i write this... but i think it's important to be able to talk about terminations without negativity... I have not been able to discuss this with anyone before ... my family would like it to be swept under the rug and I don't want to be judged by friends... I have been honest and frank with people before and I feel they have treated me differently... big :hugs: to everyone who has been brave enough to share their very personal stories

Ok I was 17 and (most importantly to me) on the pill (I would hate for anyone to think that i ever would put myself in this position). I was in a newish relationship , I didn't even have a slightest inkling that I might be pregnant! i look back now and wonder how? but it was my boyfriend who finally said if you don't take a pregnancy test i'm not sleeping with you again ( :laughing: it wouldn't have made any difference to the situation)... but he was stressed out - so i took it OMG never been so shocked totally didn't think it could happen 1stly to me and 2ndly cause i was on the pil WTF 3rdly I was 17 and my family!!
I went to the doctor who confirmed same, and sent me off for a ultra sound, at this point I didn't even know what i would do.... but anyway I was so lost and scared and really looking back had no idea what to do.... the decision was made for me mainly by the family (his & mine) he wanted me to keep the baby. So i was taken to the clinic and dropped off, my bf couldn't come with me as No males allowed. I gave my ultra sound over, was 'counselled' by a doctor - The staff at the clinic were so nice and really helped at such a difficult time. I must say when i went into the room I was sooooo scared - and asked that they wait until i was asleep before they lifted my legs and they also gave me the option to have my first pap smear. I woke up with a dull ache in my stomach and was barely able to open my eyes at first, once awake i was absolutely ravenous.... was given a sandwich and drink and asked for seconds!!

Ok so fast forward a little further down the track - I'm on the pill - after being critized at the clinic about 'using contraception' WTF I was the first time. Anyway I have a feeling this time - I just know... I'm pregnant and i'm 18. I'm still with my bf and i just break down one night saying i'm never having a termination again!:crying: So i do the test and am soooo scared as family will be soooo mad, bf really supportive again and thinks we shouldn't listen to parents. I collect the courage to approach his mum - looking for support... she flatly turns to me 'i thought you were pregnant' 'you know i'm too young to be a grandma'. So i call my mum, 'don't worry i'll take you to the clinic and you'll be ok' So again I go along... have the procedure and everyone expects you to be normal - like nothings happened...'to get over it'. So i'm at the clinic and the doctor here is the nicest ever and he says to me - do you know what you are? i hesitated and said pregnant? he said no fertile! and sometime contraceptives aren't 100% and that i had nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm so disappointed in myself for being so easily influenced in my choices. I am a much stronger person now... but I've never been the same... I now long for a child... I just have the biggest fear of falling pregnant, the only association i have with pregnancy is negativity and disappointment. I have suffered depression after and still think about it all the time... I do think now 'what if'

It's been 8 years now and i'm still with my bf (now husband) and people ask me when we'll have kids - and I'm not sure....:confused:

[V8]

That is so heartbreaking. I hope you and your DH decide to have a child one day. Hope it helped by talking about it. I don't think anyone should judge someone for having an abortion, we all have our reasons for it.

[Lisa&Davey]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I know that for as good it is for you to share what happened it's for the benefit of others as well which is really noble of you.:hugs:

I have never had a termination myself but have women very close to me who have. TBH my heart aches for them because even if they have come through the journey confident that they have done the right thing (which they have) there is still a social stigma involved. And there just shouldn't be.

I hope that anyone reading this with tough choices to make don't let other people influence them. I know it might be easier said then done but try to block out all else and consider what's best for you and you alone. Not DP not your family, not his family. Then when you look back at your choice you know you did exactly the right thing at the time.

For those of you now trying to concieve I hope you are successful really soon.:hugs:

[Kayte]

:hugs: Wow !! All of your stories truely touched my heart ! I personally have never had to terminate but god do i respect all your ladies 100% - I think that the choices you made at the time were the choices you knew in your heart needed to happen.

Alatariel - your story touched my heart so much and for you to be able to talk about it with us is such a huge step and you should be very proud of yourself ! :hugs:

I think you a all very brave being able to share your stories!!!! Lots of luv girls !!

All trying to conceive now i am sending you sticky baby dust and wish you all the best of luck for the future ! :hugs:

[EcstaticEm]

Oh TJ, thank you so much for starting this thread. I only wish I had of found it sooner. I honsetly had no idea other people trying to TTC had these issues on their minds too.

I was 14 when I had my termination. I so badly wanted to keep the pregnancy.. but my family were not supportive, and i was so scared.
I made the decision for all the wrong reasons.. I cant help but balme that one experience for all the failed TTC cycles.
Intellectually, I know its not possible to be punished for the termination..
But emotionally...:crying:

I have to keep thinking about what kind of mother I really would have been at 14. When i can really clearly see that picture.. I know I did the right thing.

[Blessed Mum]

wow ladies I'm yet another who has never felt like I needed to face the decisons you guys have had too but I am so amazed at your stories:crying: . For those of you TTC now & having difficulty I can so understand your line of thinking about being punished but please please know everything happens for a reason & your time each & every one of you will come. You are brave strong women :yes:

[babyella]

LET GO OF ANGER AND RESENTMENT, AND FEEL YOURSELF HEALED. YOU DON'T NEED TO FORGIVE THE ACTION JUST THE PERSON, BE IT SELF OR OTHER--SO THAT YOU CAN BE AT PEACE.

LET GO AND ALLOW ANGELS TO HELP YOU. EVERYTHING THAT YOU RELEASE WILL BE EITHER REPLACED BY SOMETHING BETTER OR RETURN TO YOU HEALED:hugs:

just some words that helped me through a tough time....i truely admire all of your strength

jess

[SailorMoon]

My first termination, I was 16, I realy wanted to keep the baby. My BF was not into it at all, we had only been together for 3 months.
My mum was very suportive of what ever choice I made, but was hinting that I should have the termination.

When I went for the termination, they wouldnt go ahead with it, becuase I didnt have a parent or guardian present (as I was only 16). I was beside myself, why wouldnt they have told me that on the phone when I made the appointment???? I was sooooo angry. My mum was even picking me up after the procedure. Anyway so I had to make another appointment for a later date. That realy realy upset me, it was like I was being punished, I had to carry this little bub for another 2 weeks, and become more attached to it.

When the appointment time came, I couldnt stop crying, and crying and crying, even though I knew I was doing the right thing.

After it was over, I felt a lot better.

I did hate myself for a while, and my boyfriend becuase I felt he pushed me into it (even though I knew it was the right thing, I also believed I was ready for a baby), and things were never the same with him.

Im glad I did go through with it, as my life after the termination took a turn for the worst, our relationship became abusive, I entered the world of drugs (none of this was becuase of the termination, there are other reasons)

Anyway, our relationship didnt last.

Now I am in a great relationship, and both me and OH have decided to start TTC. I cant wait, I have been looking forward to beng pregnant for sooo long. I cant wait to be a mum, and even better, we are both ready and we both WANT a baby.

So thats my story.

[Acacia]

Hi everyone.

Thankyou for sharing all your stories. I had a termination 2 years ago. It was the hardest thing i have ever done and i still feel sad about it, although i know it was the right decision. At the time i was 19 and had no idea who i was or where i stood in the world. I fell pregnant after missing the pill one day, and i found out when i was 6 weeks. The doctors got me to have an ultrasound because they thought i might be ectopic. Its very hard seeing the babies heart beat then later deciding to terminate.

My partner was freaked out. He said that he would walk away if i had the baby. I didnt know anyone who had a baby and i didnt know where to get help from. I wanted to keep the baby, then one day i had an epiphany and knew that i had nothing to offer a child. I had no thing to teach a child and i didnt know if i could love the child becasue i didnt love me.

I booked in for my abortion and it was hard. I was really scared and when i was in recovery, apparently i was yelling and crying ab out killing my baby. I dont remeber that though, and im glad i dont. I dodnt get emotional until about 3 weeks later when i broke down in tears and didnt talk for a few days. My partner and i broke up soon after and i got a job that gave me self esteem and a place for myself in the world. I also heamorraged after the termination, but that was because my cervix didnt close.

I have a beautiful friend who has a son that was born the day i terminated my child. I got a tattoo of the date on my chest so its spirit will never be forgotten. I will always feel a bit of anguish over the abortion, but i do not regret it.

I am pregnant now and i never considered aborting it, because i feel that i now have a lot to offer a child. I may not have as great deal of money but i have a good sense of self and strong values. Thats really important to me.

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, i find it emotional still.

All my love and :hugs: to other womyn who have struggled through this experiance, and also mothers who have decided to keep the babies.

Thankyou for letting me share.

[FOURtunate]

This is very hard. But I have been thinking about it for a few days, and feel ready to "talk" about it now.

8 years ago, I had two children, an adoring partner and a fantastic job that I loved. Then on Christmas Eve we found out that we were having another baby. I was pretty young to even have 2 children let alone 3. I'd only turned 22 the day before. My girls were nearly 5 and 2.5 years old. So we were getting a lttile bit of freedom back.

However, I still felt that special feeling you get when you get a BFP. My heart was excited, my head was terrified.

It was hard hiding our news over Christmas, New Years, the social season. The people closest to us worked it out but never said anything.

DH was only 25 and at that time we were trying to get past the hurdles of having our children so young. He had only just finished Uni, as had I. But he was still in two minds about it 3 weeks later on our DD's 5th Bday. He put his hand on my tummy that afternoon, and we both knew that we had to have this baby.

Then at 10pm that night I had a sharp pain that lasted for about 20 minutes. Enough time for my DH to bundle us all into the car, drive to the hospital, and be given pain relief. An Ultrasound discovered that I was about 14 weeks pregnant. My tummy was flat as a tack, and I'd had no symptooms at all. I thought I was about 8 weeks.

The baby was found to have only the brain stem, and a huge clot had formed next to the placenta. My Mum was visiting (and didn't know I was pregnant), when the OB came to tell me that I had to have a termination in less than an hour or I could haemorrhage. DH arrived while I was in theatre.

I had mixed emotions afterward. Had I not wanted the baby enought to save it? Did I drink too much at the Christmas Party the week before I found out? Is this karma?

The I started blaming DH, and resenting him for making me choose our great lifestyle over our child. Many dark months passsed, then I saw the sunlight again when I feel pregnant with DD less than a year later. This time there was no question. She was born at 26 weeks after a horrible case of Placenta Praevia. I had an IUD placed 6 weeks after her birth on the advice of doctors that we delay any further children for 2-3 years.

6 moths after her birth we discovered that I was pregnant again. The IUD had failed us, and with a special needs child recently born (and only 4 weeks home from NICU), we knew that we couldn't put ourselves through any more turmoil. Again, I suffered for weeks not knowing what to do. I kept it a secret from our families and friends. Then I started bleeding. This lasted a week, and little bub hung in there.

Just when I had felt a strong connection with the pregnancy, our OB, a lovely man took it out of our hands and had us booked in at a Private Hospital where a termination was performed less than an hour later. If I had continued with the pregnancy, the clot in my uterus would have killed us both.

I still feel horrible about what I have done. I wonder what they might have been like, and if they would have looked like my other children. When people remark on the age gaps of my children I feel like crying. Although it wasn't my decision either time, I feel responsible for two less people in the world.

For a while my family felt incomplete. And we felt empty and guilty. Then DS came, and everything changed. We have two Lilli Pillies in big pots out the front of our house, with a garden bench where I sit and remember (and try to forget)

Thanks for letting me share.

[Lisa&Davey]

:hugs: Try not to feel that guilt. The matter was never really in your hands. Thank you for having the strength to share. :hugs:

[reAllytee]

:hugs: to everyone for being brave & sharing their stories.

[EskimoMumma]

:hugs: to all you strong ladies. It takes alot to even consider having an abortion. I'll just share my brief story..

I have had an abortion. When I was with my ex partner in the beginning of the relationship I had just been kicked out of home, living with him at his mothers house in their bungalow out the back, defiantly not the high life and of course young and wouldnt have been a year since i had my son and there was no way i coudl give that baby the best it could ever have. I do not regret my decision.

I do miss it and reflect back and think.."wow, id have a 4 year old running around as well" But then i just remember that there was no way I could possibly bring that baby up.

The experience was odd, booking it all in, talking to the counsellor, it was all a real blurr for me and I remember walking into the op room , it was so..pristine and surreal. Kind of scary now that i think back and it was weird waking up suddenly out of that strange room. I didn't feel any different at all. Until I remembered why I was there and shed 1 tear. That was it. Funny thing, my ex took it hard, but never showed that emotion to me and I kind of wish he had now. (He didn't tell me until after we had broken up a few years later)

Call me heartless, but I do not feel guilty about my actions, I have no regrets, no remorse. I have accepted that that is what had to be done and I feel i made the best decision at that time for my unborn child.

Just had to share..

[Sarie]

I have never been in the position where I've had to even consider abortion as an option. While I don't disagree with it, I don't think I'd ever actually be able to do it.
I just think we're awfully lucky to live in a country where we have the choice!
You are all brave women, thank you for sharing your stories!

[Kirst]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. Ironically I was in the shower today thinking about my 2 terminations, and wanted to post some of my feelings on BH, but wasnt' sure how they would be received. I didn't even know that there was a section to discuss terminations. I just happened to stumble across it.

I first fell pregnant when I was 18, and although my heart wanted to keep it, my head knew that it just wasn't an option. I was in my second year at Uni with my whole life ahead of me, the father was 21 and had just moved interstate with is family......it just wasn't right.

I was booked in for the procedure for a Thursday, and continued on with life as usual. I played basketball over the weekend as ususal, and took a pretty hard hit (as usual). On the Monday night I started bleeding. I ended up having the procedure first thing Tuesday morning. I think that the hit on the Sunday night was harder than I realised, and beleive that even if I had chosen not to have the procedure, the pregnancy wouldn't have survived.

I have no regret over the decision to terminate this pregnancy. And if I had decided to keep it, there was no way that I would have been playing basketball all weekend......

The second time I fell pregnant was when I was 27, to my now DH. We decided that it just wasn't the right time for us to bring a child into the world. Again, my head knows that we made the right decision, but my heart holds a bit of regret over this one.

I have felt as ease with this decision for 6 years, until today.............................

We have a beautiful DD who is almost 2, and we have been trying to conceive another child for just over 6 months. I was in the shower this today and started to wonder if I had used up my quota. Are the 'greater powers' trying to tell me that I farked up? Were the other pregnancies my chance to have more than one child? Should I have kept the one in 2000???

I think that my hormones are just playing up on me, but this is something that I just can't seem to get out of my head today, so I am so glad that I came across this thread (Thanks TJ for starting it). AF is due today, and I have no pg symptoms, but she hasn't turned up. I did a HPT that came back -ve (not surprised AT ALL), and I'm beginning to think that this is it.

Dont get me wrong, I am so happy that I have my daughter, but I do'nt think that I could live with myself if my chance to have another child was 6 years ago, and I missed it!

Thanks for listening to my rant. I'm sure that AF will turn up later tonight, and my hormones will regluate a bit and I'll feel more sensible later on. I"ll check back in then.

Love to you all.

[Lisa&Davey]

:fingerscrossed: Youget that BFP soon.

[Callian]

Dear Kirst,
Do not give up hope, just because you have had terminations does not mean you have farked up. I had a termination when I was 38 and now have two young sons and am 45. I do not regret my termination as it definitely would not have been the right thing for me or the baby at that time of my life. As women, we know what is right for us and what is not and sometimes the most heart wrenching decisions are right. Keep baby dancing, it will happen.
Janine

[bouschka]

Thank you to everyone that has contributed their stories to this thread. And thank you for being brave enough to put yours into words.

Such a topic that is still so hard to talk about openly has now got a much needed outlet.

As for me, I've never spoken in detail about my reasons, but have always been honest about the fact of having had a termination (with my girlfriends).

I have had 2 terminations. I can't help but second guess those decisions now & wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had the courage to standby my often verbalised convictions (before the fact), that I 'would never have an abortion'.

I remember in high school always being the outspoken one who said it was wrong no matter what. I'd debate the topic vehemently & passionately. So completely sure I was right. I look back & see how naive I was. I really had no idea.

I was with my first love at 18 when I fell pregnant. He was 19. Our relationship was volatile but I really did love him. I was living out of home for the first time, he still lived at home. I had a strained relationship with my parents due to my rebellion from a strict upbringing & was petrified of them finding out.

We were completely unprepared & immature. I wasn't brave enough to contemplate parenthood. Neither was he. He pushed me to go to the doctor, I was too ashamed. I remember feeling judged by the doctor, but don't recall alot about the visit to the doctor. I couldn't tell you what doctor or medical centre I went to, now that I think about it. Somehow a clinic booking was made. I remember vague details about the clinic & the procedure.

He had to wait outside. I was awake for the procedure, so it must have been local anaesthetic. I remember being on the table in the stirrups, the sting of the needle into the cervix, the nurse taking away a bucket to the next room then telling the doctor that they'd got it, wondering about the babies sex, getting a needle in recovery.

I think I shut out feeling any emotion after it. That's why I don't remember all that much. I can only guess the year this was done & have no idea about the month, whether it was cold or hot weather. I guess I blocked it all out & tried to focus on other things. I didn't allow myself to get emotional or upset.

The relationship ended after 2 years. I was crushed for a long time & it took me a year to get over it, but looking back it was completely unhealthy. I loved him like a puppy loved it's master. I'm still embarrassed at the memory.

The second time around I was in my early twenties, single & living a party lifestyle working at a resort in the NT. Living with lots of other singles, there was plenty of parties, drinking, casual sex & good times.

I fell for an english backpacker who was infatuated with someone else. (I can see a bit of a theme in my past forming now). He must have guessed how I felt, but I didn't tell him. We had casual sex on a regular basis, with me thinking it was the only way I could have even a part of him. When I fell pregnant, he alluded that I was lying & trying to trap him. It wasn't until we were actually in Darwin at the hospital getting booked in that he believed me.

I don't remember anything about the day until I woke up in recovery. I think he was sitting beside my bed, a bit in shock at how this had all happened. I recall going into the disabled toilets to go to the loo & being absolutely shocked at the yellow iodine stains covering me from my stomach to thighs. It all seemed so surreal.

A few days later when we got back to the resort, he hooked up with the other girl. I felt so hollow. So completely empty. How I held up my head throughout this - I don't know. It wasn't that the girl he'd chosen over me was shallow, vain, obnoxious & vacuous, it was the way I felt about allowing him to use me for sex. Being a willing party to it & being so reckless as to not use any contraception & to have such lack of respect for myself. And to have gone thru a termination for the second time, I really beat myself up for being so stupid as to make the same mistake twice.

Again, I blocked all feeling out. I didn't get upset or dwell on either of them for many years. Until last year when I turned 30 & the hormones kicked in.

Now I feel sad alot. All the preparation & planning I'm doing now to do with conception has me thinking about those 2 mistakes from my past. And how strange it feels to have been the teenager who thought it was wrong, to the girl who wasn't ready or brave enough or strong enough, to the woman who was sure she didn't want to have kids, to the 31yr old who really wants them now.

Now I wonder if they were my only chances. Whether something went wrong during the 2nd one that I don't know about, that's going to stop me from falling pregnant naturally.

I'm not religious or spiritual so karma doesn't factor for me. I guess time will tell when we actually start TTC.

Keep your fingers crossed for me & thanks for letting me share without judgement.

[NerdyMumma]

I really feel for all you ladies, and you are very brave to share your stories.

I just wanted to say that I cannot believe the difference in procedures. I cannot believe a hospital would make you go through a termination without being under GA! I had an incomplete miscarriage and had to have a D&C and was under general, and never could have coped with being awake and aware through the procedure. I didn't actually realise it could be done that way.

Once again thanks for sharing and I hope it helps to tell your stories.:hugs:

[the_original_duchess]

it was may this year. i found out i was pregnant and was very excited. went for a u/s and found out it was twins. then i miscaried a week later at 7 weeks.
the thing is, only one baby miscarried. but i didnt know this.
i still felt pregnant a few weeks later but the doctor and dh dismissed it and said that i had miscarried and was probably just feeling this way becuase i wanted the babies.
but i was still pregnant another blood test confermed it.
so i went for another u/s and it showed that the baby was only the size of a 7 weeker, even tho i was atleast 13 weeks. and there was only the faintest little heart beat.
the doctor asked if maybe i had fallen pregnant again, but i hadnt, i didnt have sex between the m/c and the next u/s.
so the doctor decided it was best for me to have a termination, because even if the baby did survive the pregnancy what sort of life would it have.

i booked myself into the clinic. i was the first appointment adn it was so unbelieveably hard. i didnt want to do it. i wanted to keep my baby.
my dh came with me and i tried to back out several times, but he said that it was the best thing for our family.
after the procedure i felt like my heart had been ripped out. i keep waiting for things to return to normal, but i dont think they ever will.
i blamed my dh for it, i said that i would have looked after the baby, i would have given it a good life. but i didnt want my baby to be in pain. obviously there was something wrong with it if it hadnt grown in 6 weeks.
but why doesnt it stop hurting? why did this happen to me? why?
when i got home i called my dad. he lives in woy woy which is 2 hours away from us, but came the second he spoke to me.
he said he could hear my heart breaking in my voice.
im never going to forget the twins. im always going to love them. my dh got over it pretty quickly, but he said hat he cant really relate. he didnt feel them growning, or fell the pain from losing the first one, and the heartache from terminating the second.
i hope that my dd never has to go throught that. and i hpe that in time i can also get over it.

[Lisa&Davey]

I'm so sorry for your loss Danielle. I hope the it hurts less with time. Please seek counselling if you haven't already.

[spiralmum]

This is my first time on this site and it's so the right time for me. I have had two terminations, three children and am 5 weeks pregnant and having to choose which path I will take. And I don't know. My first baby I chose to keep. I was a teenager. Second was terminated, bad guy, I was 21. I was okay about that. Had no doubt it was the right thing to do. Third I had. I was 25. Met my current partner at 29 and got pregnant within a couple of months. He didn't want to be a Dad. I had already made two other reluctant men into fathers and couldn't do a third and so I terminated. It was very hard and hurtful and it was done for him not me, which is never the right way around I think. A year or so later I was pregnant again and we now have a little two year old running around. But I have just found out I am pregnant. I have three boys: a teenager , an 8 year old and the toddler and a fourth...? What should I do? My partner doesn't want it again. I wonder if it's the girl I've wanted but don't know if I could be a good mum to four. Will I cope? I was supposed to go back to study next year. Am so torn. But I never wanted to have to go through abortion again. Has any one any words of wisdom to help me?

[mysonroger]

This is my first time on this site and it's so the right time for me. I have had two terminations, three children and am 5 weeks pregnant and having to choose which path I will take. And I don't know. My first baby I chose to keep. I was a teenager. Second was terminated, bad guy, I was 21. I was okay about that. Had no doubt it was the right thing to do. Third I had. I was 25. Met my current partner at 29 and got pregnant within a couple of months. He didn't want to be a Dad. I had already made two other reluctant men into fathers and couldn't do a third and so I terminated. It was very hard and hurtful and it was done for him not me, which is never the right way around I think. A year or so later I was pregnant again and we now have a little two year old running around. But I have just found out I am pregnant. I have three boys: a teenager , an 8 year old and the toddler and a fourth...? What should I do? My partner doesn't want it again. I wonder if it's the girl I've wanted but don't know if I could be a good mum to four. Will I cope? I was supposed to go back to study next year. Am so torn. But I never wanted to have to go through abortion again. Has any one any words of wisdom to help me?

big decision.....but did you ever think you were going to cope with three, and you have. mothers usually evolve with the pressures placed on them and then find their groove. it might sound a bit overwhelming now, especially to think ahead. but once you're there dealing with the demands children throw at you, you just have to get on with it. its normal to wonder how you would cope.

on the plus side, another baby, more love in the house and a closer sibling for the two year old...along with thousands of other pluses i cn think of.

on the negative side though, the decision could haunt you forever if you don't think it through thoroughly and really communicate well with your partner. when you come to that decision about wht to do, you really need to be sure and in a strong position, because either way you go, there comes a time when there's no going back.

good luck . do whats right for you and your family.

[LilShenanigans]

Well, I'm not one for keeping secrets, and feel I should share this...
...This is all a bit awkward isn't it?

I had a termination last Friday.
I was 9 weeks pregnant, but I found out I was pregnant at about 4weeks, then was definate I was 5weeks when the morning sickness started.

I confided in two of my bestfriends, and they weren't sure how to react. I simply told them I was going to think long and hard about this, and the reason I was telling them was if I needed support later on, I wanted them to be there for me - which of course they were in the end.

I know the father-to-be wanted more kids, but he wasn't someone who I wanted to be around ever again. I made this my sole decision, and decided I'd leave him out of the equasion.

I went through every possible outcome I could think of. What if I miscarry, what if I have the baby - will I survive financially, physically but more importantly emotionally?
Can I give two children everything they need in life, being a solo parent?
What if there's something wrong with the baby?
etc...
And everytime I asked myself either an important or trivial question, I came to the outcome that I couldn't keep it.

It took me about a month to finally feel comfortable with the choice. So much so, that by 9weeks the only deciding factor I had in my head was "I want to eat! Get rid of it!" lmao

Then one night I was messaging my sister about our dads birthday dinner and that if she wanted, we could share a meal as I doubted I could eat all that much. She then asked me if I was pregnant - the only time I ever went off food before was when I had morning sickness with DD.. lol So, I called her and explained the situation.

She then offered to ask a couple of friends about good clinics they knew of (it seems a norm for her circle of friends), and she offered to pay which I didn't think was right - this was of course until I found out how much they cost!! So I gladly took her help, but offered a little of what I could.

The day came around, and I was left on my lonesome in the waiting room - which was fine because my sister was babysitting, just uncomfortable as the people there had their supports and partners.
They had told me to leave at least 4 hours out of my day for this whole thing...
...It turned out the 4hours were for the waiting!

It finally came to my turn to get changed, and see the anaethetist, which finally at this point I was starting to feel weary of the procedure itself.. not what was occuring.

From a very comfortable and cosy waiting room, to a cold and frightening theatre was daunting!
They asked me to sit on the bed and be in a certain position - all very uncomfortable! .. I dont know why I thought it would be lol

I remember chatting to the lady about how I'm no longer scared of needles and just to give it to me, I won't mind! I was staring up at the big light which was daunting... and then I woke up in a recliner...

Understandably dazed and confused, my first thought - "well, did anything happen? Is it out?" ... It seriously felt like only a few seconds had passed!
...My second thought was that I was in the twilight zone, at that point I agreed with the nurse that I should remain resting lol

I saw another girl coming in, and the doctors were walking her in and she was talking. It made me wonder if I was concious enough to walk in, and be talking... it was all extremely bizarre - I don't think I'll ever get my head around it!

Before the procedure all I wanted to do was eat, afterwards the only thing I could manage was a coffee... which I can't remember if I finished it.
I still wasn't hungry when I got home, but forced myself to eat a couple of arrowroot biscuits and later that night I had a funsize twirl.. but that was it.

About an hour or so after I got home, the mild but constant cramp started. It wasn't as bad as my period pain, but it was persistent which made me edgy and I couldn't get rid of it. Luckily it was gone by morning, but it was a very unhappy night.

Unfortunately I've had delayed bleeding (it started a day or so ago), with what I was already warned of - worst period type pain the usual. Since I already have bad PMS, this is exceptionally worse.. but apparently still normal (I had to ring!).

I have no regrets about my choice, I put a lot of thought into it and refused to be flippant about my choice.. and I'm glad I did. I hope I will confidently look back and know I did the right thing as I knew even in the best circumstances of an outcome of birth, it still wouldn't have been ok.
The worst part about it is, I'm afraid to be with anyone else (this is my feeling right now). I was on the pill, and my periods only come once every two months, so now of course I'm scared protection is never going to work... and if it happens again, I won't find out in time because of how this silly body works!

I know it'll just be a passing phase, but I suppose it's just the mentality of the moment.

And thank you Tj and everyone for sharing their stories... I think this is a great source to share the good, bad and ugly about these choices - hopefully giving at least one person out there something to think about so they don't rush the decision, or feel pressured to do so... :hugs:

[trittysmum]

i have never had a termination i have always been 100% against. but i think reading this thread has opened up my eyes a bit. its not always black and white. there is a grey area aswell.

[KeleyaSue]

I never thought i would be open about this story, because it was a very hard time for me and dp. Its not something that i like talking about because thinking about it only drags me down. I do think about it from time to time but i am now 6 months pregnant and its the best time of my life. I try not to think of the past but i do think of the future and try to do what i can to learn from what i have been through. It not something we could have controlled.

But anyway it all started when I fell pregnant in august 2005, and we found out when i was 6.5 weeks pregnant. Once dp and I saw the first ultrasound we were so excited. There was nothing more amazing than a child.
I did have a bit of morning sickness and done everything "right", I didnt drink, I didnt smoke, and I exercised alot and ate very healthy. We thought nothing at all would go wrong.

I had my 12-14 week scan and was told that the fluid behind the babies neck was nice and thin, we sighed with relief, then we heard them say "but there is something wrong with your baby". It felt like my heart stopped i remember looking at dp and seeing the devistation in his eyes.

After speaking to a doctor and having some internal tests done we found out that the baby had a hernia and majority of its major organs had been pushed onto the outside of its body and were growing on the outside.
We were told that if the baby survives the whole pregnany that it would delivered by c-section and would be taken straight away to be operated on. Doing this procedure was a great risk because the baby's tummy wouldnt be big enough to fit all the organs back in and if it did it would risk squashing the lungs.
But we were told that the chance of the baby surviving was low and it was then handed over to us to decide what our babies future was headed.

It was the hardest decision we would ever had to come across, so we asked the doctor what decicion was our best interest and she belived that terminating the pregnancy was best.
So a couple of days later i had the procedure done in the local hospital. 2 days before my 19th birthday. Almost a year after that I had a miscarriage which made us feel so useless, we thought we would never hear good news.
Now we are just waiting for the big day. Im due to have a bub on 09/07/07....

Termination is a hard thing to go through, it doesnt matter what the circumstance is... but these decisions wouldnt be made if it didnt feel like it had to be done.

Thankyou for taking the time to read my story

[mum2imogen]

duejuly: wow i just read ur story and know exacly what u went through as my baby was born with the same problem!

i think if i was in ur situation and learnt of this earlier in my pregnancy i may have done what you did too but i didnt find out til alot later!

my bubs was born operated on it all fitted back in and i have a happy one year old daughter! but not every story turns out this well!

congrats on the new bub! woohoo! im ttc number two now!

big hugs ur way xx

[hayleysmummy]

I had just turned 16 when i realised i was putting on alot of weight and my boobs were really sore my mum urged me to go to the doctor to have a pregnancy test I did and found out I was 8 weeks pregnant I dont exactly remember what was going through my head i just started crying deep down inside i really wanted the baby but feared what people would think of me i really had no choice i felt as though i was pressured into having the termination mum only asked me if i really wanted to do it when we were at the clinic so many things were going on in my head that i went along with it(I didnt want to tell the councilor how i was feeling) all i remember is getting changed into the gown and sitting in the waiting room bawling my eyes out the whole time but I was young and so messed up not with the right guy he treated me like **** and didnt want the baby either! but i cant help but think about that baby all the time i suppose i have never really dealt with it or spoken to anyone about it. All i know now is i probably did the right thing because i didnt stay with him.

I was 18 when i found out i was pregnant to my then boyfriend and could not go through with another one i gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who is now seven months old but im not with her father either he treated me worse than the last one so i left him to give my baby girl the life she deserves she is such a happy baby but i know she wouldnt be if i was with her father so now im a proud single young mummy and i wouldnt have it any other way
Unless mr right came along:D

[Jennifer85]

When i was a very silly 17 year old i fell pregnant, My boy friend was over the moon when he found out the news, Though the only problem was he was happy as he saw me having his child as it was no longer a partner ship, now he owned me.. my eldest brother died 2 years ealier and i was a very mixed up kid, i constantly thought of death and tried to hurt myself. My mum was very supportive and would have supposted me either way, tho when speaking to my doctor he said keeping the baby was not right for me, he knew of my suicidle thoughts and actions and he was completely right, i couldnt have the baby. not only could i have cared for the baby, but i dont think i would have survived the pregnance and if i did I know the baby blues would have pushed me over the edge. So i decided to terminate the pregnancy, it ended the relationship with the father of the baby. I cant say i regret it, as i know i would not have been able to give that child a good life at that point in my life, though i do wish the circumstances were different so my child that i chose not to carry could be with me now.

[babylover111]

When i was a very silly 17 year old i fell pregnant, My boy friend was over the moon when he found out the news, Though the only problem was he was happy as he saw me having his child as it was no longer a partner ship, now he owned me.. my eldest brother died 2 years ealier and i was a very mixed up kid, i constantly thought of death and tried to hurt myself. My mum was very supportive and would have supposted me either way, tho when speaking to my doctor he said keeping the baby was not right for me, he knew of my suicidle thoughts and actions and he was completely right, i couldnt have the baby. not only could i have cared for the baby, but i dont think i would have survived the pregnance and if i did I know the baby blues would have pushed me over the endge. So i decided to terminate the pregnancy, it ended the relationship with the father of the baby. I cant say i regret it, as i know i would not have been able to give that child a good life at that point in my life, though i do wish the circumstances were different so my child that i chose not to carry could be with me now.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: You brave girl.

[brollysgirl]

I fell pregnant with my first pregnancy at 19. My BF and I had been together just under 3 years and I absoulutly had no intention of not having the baby! I actually told myself alot before then I didnt believe in abortion,(very young and naive). We went on to have our DD both just 20. It was extremely hard but we managed and i would never regret having her. Then 2 1/2 years later, on the pill, I started to feel the noticeable stomache cramps and nausea, we pushed it aside, still young and naive and went on with things as normal. It wasnt until 6 weeks later i finally tested at home with then DF, and it came up positive straight away. The first words that came out of mouth were "I dont want it"......then i was stunned at what i had said.. DF agreed. I cried for days... i fell asleep crying every night up until the procedure. I was amde to feel like absoulute **** by my doctor, as i alrready had one baby!! we knew put aside everything i thought i believed in we couldnt afford this child,, My daughter was still young, and i was still struggling as a young mother, and I was told i was due on our wedding day!! I hated myself so much for the decision i had made yet i knew it was right for us. I did the wrong thing by letting myself connect with my baby, i would rub my tummy and tell him her i was sorry. The day of the procedure, i was very calm. They councelled me and were fantastic. I remember sitting in the clinic looking at these other couples feeling pity for them??? I think by then i had convinced myself i was there for something else,, i wasnt like them....
I changed as was taken to a table to lay down on. there were about 4 ppl there and a lady was there rubbing my cheek as tears ran down my face. I was just thinking to myself YOUR JUST MAKING ME CRY!! GO AWAY! then i fell asleep. when i awoke i felt so good... and guilty for feeling so good. No pain, just so tired. It wasnt till the next day i felt very empty. I never cried for that baby again till now.
I remember i went to the doctors about a week later to confirm i wasnt pregnant. She handed me the report to read.... 9 week old embyro removed by suction/curette. No abnormalities. I smiled... I couldnt beleive i smiled.
It is now 15 months later and i am 14 weeks pregnant with number 2. This pregnancy was planned as we finally felt ready and are finacially stable. I think about my lost baby often now and wonder how different things wouldve been......sometimes lately i even imagine this is our baby coming back to us, and then i tell him/her how sorry i am but thankful they those me once again to be their mum!
(sorry its long)...

[sexy_minx]

Im shocked at the fact that i have guts to say this as i find it really hard to tell anyone this.


I remember it as if it was only yesterday but it really was 9th of aug 2001
I was only 2 months away from been 16years old and I was booked in to have an abortion. I really didn’t know what I wanted to do as the boyfriend I was with was 19 just got a job loved he’s drugs and booz, I really couldn’t see a life with him I knew I never loved him but I had already loved this little baby that I had growing
When I told mum she laughed it off a few times as It seemed like it was a big joke, until I showed her the test then she wasn’t sure what she should be feeling she told me to keep it she liked the idear of been a young nanny, both myself and the ex’ boyfriend wanted it but something pushed me to book in to the doctors and get a abortion done I always said I wouldn’t get it done but here I am sitting at the doctors booking myself in. the day came and I was given 2 small pills to put up inside of myself 1hr befor I headed to the doctors I got there they asked a lot of Q’s and got me to sign papers and set me up to go in , I was left there alone as mum and dad droped me off and my ex’ boyfriend walked off to go buy smokes, there was no turning back now and I knew it I was woken up to a lady doctor putting a big pad in between my legs saying its all done now slowly sit up and have a drink and something to eat last thing I wanted to do was eat and have a drink I just wanted to get dressed and get the hell outa there, I stood up and that’s when I felt blood dripping down my legs and I knew with in my self then it was all over red rover, the morning after I woke up still bleeding and still felt pregnant and the ex’ boyfriend wanted sex as if I could do something like that in the stat I was in. I told him where to go a month later he broke up with me and I was more hurt over the baby than I was by him, I feel guilty now as my now hubby to be have been trying for a bub for 10/13months with nothing and knowing my past makes me feel bad for doing what I did but I know deep down it was the right thing im still hunted by this and I think I always will be. :gloomy: but i have my 3yo DS who i love and i know one day soon he will be a big brother and ill be blessed with another bubba or 2, when the time is right ill be blessed i know it

[EcstaticEm]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: thank u for sharing your story Sexy Minx. its so hard to forget.. specially when you are TTC.

I admire you and hope that your blessed very soon with the two lines you want and are ready for :yes:

[Sazeby]

I've had one.. absolutely regret it! didn't stop crying for months.. i wasn't totally my decision my BF at the time was presurring me. i really hate him for that.
how could have i done something so horrible by ending a potential babies life.
since having my daughter it hurts more knowing what i've done :crying: and of course what i missed out on.

[hayleysmummy]

I've had one.. absolutely regret it! didn't stop crying for months.. i wasn't totally my decision my BF at the time was presurring me. i really hate him for that.
how could have i done something so horrible by ending a potential babies life.
since having my daughter it hurts more knowing what i've done :crying: and of course what i missed out on.







this is exactly how i fell now knowing what it's like to be a mum it really breaks my heart to think about it all the time but i just cant get it out of my head

[pinkandblue]

Well its been almost 3 years since I had my termination.

My DD would have been about 16 months old when we found out we were pregnant again. It wasn't a planned pregnancy but it was very much wanted. I rang the hospital and made an appointment for a dating ultrasound for when I would have been 9 weeks.

Well the day of the ultrasound came, it was a friday. DP came with me and my friend was looking after DD.

The ultrasound lady was doing the ultrasound when she asked me how many weeks I was. I replied 9 weeks. She said well you're actually 13 weeks. This meant that the bit of bleeding that I thought was a period wasnt actually a period at all, just some red bleeding around 4 weeks preg.

She then went on to tell me that there was a few problems with my bubs and she will have to get a doctor to check me out and for me to go back to go the waiting room and wait for a doctor.

I was crying at this stage and remember sitting in the waiting room with all these smiling faces looking at me and I was there with tears streaming down my face. After a little while the doctor called us in.

He confirmed what the ultrasound lady had said. There was quite a few problems. There was alot of fluid in the babies head. I cant remember if it was in the babies brain or just in the babies head. The babies bowels were also on the outside but this could be fixed when the baby was born. Also it looked like the baby had an extra chromosome. There might have been more stuff but I just remember being so upset and crying and crying even more.

Then the doctor told me my baby wont survive. The baby will either die while I was still pregnant meaning I will have to give birth to a still born. Or the baby will live and be born, but will die very shortly after birth.

I remember thinking, why is this happening to me? I am only 23, I am a good person. I dont drink and do drugs. Why is this happening to me?

He then said the best thing for me to do was have a termination. I was completely shocked. It was too much to take in. He gave us the weekend to think about it and told me to come back in on monday for a CVS and he needs to know what we want to do.

We went home and I just cried and cried and cried. Everyone said termination was best and I knew it too. But it was hard, knowing you were going to end your own childs life.

Monday came and we went for the CVS and told him that we were going to terminate. The hospital organised everything because alot of places wouldnt do it because I would have been 13 1/2 weeks. The termination was organised for thursday morning.

They also organised some counselling at the hospital that day.

My mum took DD on wednesday night and DP came with me on thursday morning. I remember sitting in that waiting room for hours and feeling sick. I dont know if it was because I wasnt allowed to eat, or because I knew what was going to happen.

I also saw another counsellor while I was waiting.

Finally my name was called and DP was told to come back in an hour. I remember sitting in this tiny room with only a gown on and some sock things around me feet. I sat here for about 5 minutes until they called me again.

Then I went into another room, signed some papers and then went into the operation room (if thats what you call it). They put the thing in my arm and I started talking so I wouldnt think about it, then I was asleep.

I remember saying, its hurts, my stomach hurts, and they must have upped my dose while they were doing the termination.

I woke up in recovery and a nurse came and checked my pad. She said I was bleeding alot so gave me some tablets to take. I recovered lying in bed for a while, then got to sit on the lounge and have a biscuit and a drink.

Then I was allowed to go home. DP was outside waiting.

The weird thing is, when I walked out of there, I didnt feel like I was pregnant anymore. I felt like it never happened. It was very weird and I cant explain it.

Also when I was in the termination place, I couldnt believe how many people were there. All different ages, all in different stages of their lives.

And when I was in recovery, how many terminations happened everyday. It seemed like they were happening every 15 minutes.

A few weeks later the hospital called to say my results from my CVS were in. I had been waiting for this day. I had so many thoughts of, did I do the right thing? What if they were wrong? What if the results came back clear?

The results were my baby was missing the X chromosome. It was a little girl. The missing chromosome is Turners Syndrome. This is where their ovaries dont develop, meaning none of the female things develop, meaning my baby wouldnt have been able to have children one day. There are a few other symtoms and if you search Turners sydrome you will see.

I never gave my baby girl a name. I always wanted to, but I could never find a name that fit.

Some days I dont think about what happened, but other days I do. And I cry. I still think What if?

But I did the right thing at the time for me.

And if I didnt do what I did, then I would have my DS and my life wouldnt be what it is today.

Thats my story and thank you for letting me share it.

[caitcam]

thank you all for sharing. 3 weeks ago today we went in for a termination for medical reasons. I was 11 weeks pregnant. We knew it was what we needed to do. I had two beautiful healthy children and we knew that if the pregnancy made it full term, and it was a big IF, then the baby would have all sorts of problems if it survived at all.
Minutes before the termiination I had an ultrasound and we discovered that we had actually lost the baby in the days leading up to the termination. So I still had the same procedure, and in my head I know we made exactly the right decision when we decided to terminate. Losing the baby just beforehand proved that to me. That was 3 weeks ago today and since then 2 girlfriends have had beautiful baby girls. Its hard, but I am peaceful with it, if that makes sense!

Thank you all for being so brave and so honest as it is not an easy subject to talk about!

[paige1]

the stories in here are amazing.
i would like to share mine.
i found out i was pregnant after leaving a violent relationship.i was only 7 weeks pregnant then.finding out i was pregnant with twins was the most heartbreaking moment of my life.i wasnt planing to keep the baby.but identical twins was fate.i was faced with being a single mother of twins.i charged ahead with no doubt that i had been given twins for a reason.
when i was 10 weeks pregnant i began spotting and was rushed to hospital.they sent me home with no further tests saying it was normal.
at 15 weeks i had another ultrsound wich showed that i had lost one of the twins.when i walked out the hospital my ex confronted me again with threats.(i lived in a small town at the time).that was the last straw for me.obviously while i had his child i was going to be conected to him.i couldnt risk hating my child.or being threatened ect.
i had to go in front of a board of 12 judges and explain my situation.finally i was accepted to be induced and give birth to a stillborn.i did it the day before it was illegal at 18 weeks.
i cant remember much.
it was a long night of labor they were expecting a 3 day labour.i only lasted 12 hours.when she was born at 3.30 am it was like complete emtyness.there was nothing.its in your instinctts to expect a cry.nothing.she never drew a breath.
i had to name her.she was called denique rose.
i had her cremated.
when i went to pick up the ashes they had lost them.i never got to say goodbye.
im at peace but i am so angry.i needed to throw the ashes so i could let go properly.
now i am married with a beautifull daughter.i dont know what i should tell her when she is older or if i whould tell her at all.

[Nomsie]

I have pretty much just posted my termination story in another thread, but I feel compelled to tell my sotry here amongst other people who have been through the same thing. I feel it will be cathartic.


When I was 21 I had just nearly finished university and moved back to my hometown and got a place of my own. Everything was going great, and then out of the blue, I became pregnant after a one night stand. I was in denial about it for a few weeks until my friends made me take the test.
When it turned out positive I was in such a state of shock that I burst into tears. But that is exactly what it was- shock.
Of course my friends- trying to be supportive- went into damage control mode- the first thing thay all said to me was that if they were in my situation, they would abort.
I was in a very fragile state of mind, and easily open to suggestions, and it seemed to be my best course of action. I had never been in a stable relationship, I had just started my first professional job only months before, and my social life was going way to well to want to give up. How could I possibly support this kid all on my own? Plus the father was a very good friend of mine that I had known for years, and it was only an occaisonal hook-up-if-we-were-lonely type of thing, definately not love. Would I be ruining his life as well as mine? Everything seemed to be telling me that terminating was the correct thing to do.
And, just like you, I absoultely FEARED what my parents would think.
So 12 weeks into my pregnancy, I had the termination.
Now there are a few points I want to make so just stick with me.
When I told the doctor this was unplanned and that I think I wanted a termination, the only thing he said to me to sway my opinion was "are you sure? I have done this for girls before and then after it they change their mind and blame it all on me. I don't want to do this if you blame it all on me." I was never offered counselling, or professional support of any kind.
Upon discharge from the hospital, I was not given any antibiotics, and so a few weeks later I developed a very serious infection in my uterus, which was painfully undescribable, so the "professionals" had failed in two duties of care.
As for how I felt immediately afterwards- I was surprised at how well I felt- no more tiredness, no more sickness, no more thinking I would throw up if certain foods or such were mentioned. All positives. And that is the image I conveyed to my friends.
But home alone at night? Empty. Almost like a murderer. I had started not two weeks earlier at the ultrasound of my little baby and watched his or hers (I like to think it was a boy) little heart beat. I had known the EDD (April 6 2006). All of this information was not enough to say "no" once the ball had begun to roll.
Now, a few years down the track and I like to think myself a little wiser.
A few months after the termination I met my beautiful partner. Out of the bad came the good- I would never had been in a pub on the night I met him if I was pregnant. We now own a house and are very much in love. We have been trying for our own baby since April this year (the fact that it is April was not a coincidence, if anybody picked up on that). I have been thinking since Saturday that maybe the time has arrived and maybe I am actually pregnant again- fingers crossed but I am dizzy, tired, nauseas in the afternoon into the evening and can feel things going on in my tummy (!).
My point is this- I still greive for the baby I call "lost"; I feel guilty about it every day, and nothing will change that. In-fact pro-life believers- while it is their right to believe what they will- will never understand the emotions I feel when I think about my lost boy.
But even though I grieve, and wonder about what could have been, I am tremendously lucky to have a wonderful loving partner who tries his best to understand everything I went through. I wouldn't have met him if I didn't go through with the termination. It is life's biggest catch 22.
I can't stress enough the anger I feel towards the idiot doctor who I saw- first of all for the immense pressure he put on my with my don't come crying to me attitude. And secondly because he was the one who performed the procedure, he should have given me antibiotics to follow up on. I may be wrong, but I was lead to believe that it was common procedure for a hospital.
I also feel angry that I had to wait so long for my termination- I know it was a tactic for the doctor to give me an ultrasound and make me watch my baby and his little heart-beat, and tell me when he would have been due. I think he is disgusting for this. But, at the time, what does the average person know about terminations before they go through with one? I thought it must be standard to have to wait until you are pretty far along to have it done. It went from terminating a few cells in my body to a full on, albeit little, baby.
Anyway that is my story. And you know, it does feel good to share it. There are only a very imited amount of people I can talk with about it, and they are not always available.
I just cross my fingers that the sensations I am feeling will be a little bubba to love. (I am just too chicken to take the test incase it turns out negative!)

[EsSjAy]

I have 4 beautiful boys (3 from my previous marriage and a 4 month old with my DF) The fact that i have children makes the termination i had a little more bearable to live with because my children are beautiful and i am a mum and i love them and how lucky i am that i had no problems...
Recently though I've been thinking about it a lot...
DF (DP at the time) and I fell pg when we first started seeing each other. We both had nasty ex partners so we kept things hush for a while. He cried (as i) when i told him because we both knew it couldn't happen as wonderful as it would have been... I remember after the procedure sitting at home thinking 'what have i done?' It was the most emotional time of my life. When i got home DF had been trying to ring me but i didn't want to return the calls (he couldn't come because he works with his dad)
I just wanted to be alone... My children were with their father at the time so no one knew except my housemate. She was great... DF came around and he just hugged me and we cried for ages...I knew then that i would be with this man for the rest of my life...
4 years on we finally have our gorgeous Daniel along with his 3 big adorable brothers...
The meaning of Daniel is "God is my judge"... If this is true then i've been judged and forgiven and Daniel was my gift...:angel:
Thank you... x x x

[SJsMum]

I have just had a medical termination this week and to be honest have been feeling super alone. I ovulated late - around day 25 - never thought anything of it. Found out I was pregnant and was thrilled. We have one child, DD 16 months and would love another. AT the 12 week nuchal fold scan the operator said he thought the baby had bilateral talipes (clubfeet) and also the blood test showed a 1:51 risk of Trisomy 18. Didn't know what that was and wasn't really worried as my daughter was 1:42 risk for Downs and was perfect. Went two days later for a specialise scan and they told me that the baby definitely had clubfeet (no big deal as it can be fixed) but that otherwise it looked to be a normal baby. They asked me to come back three weeks later at 16 weeks. As soon as the scan started they showed me all the things that were wrong - sacs of fluid on the brain, parts of the brain not developed, hole in the heart, extra fingers....I didn't even take my DH as we thought it was routine. I had the amnio on the spot and 24 hours later the FISH test confirmed Trisomy 18 which is an extra chromosome 18. We talked to 5 doctors only to learn that Trisomy 18 is always fatal and our case was at the severe end of the spectrum. 5 days later I was admitted for a termination and at 16.5 weeks had to be induced. The cramps started straight away that night and got really bad about 3am. At 5am the waters broke and I thought it was all about to be over. Boy was I wrong. The doctor had 3 goes at getting the baby out but his little head was stuck and wouldn't come out through the cervix. The pain was extreme even with peth and gas, so bad I almost blacked out. By about 2pm they got him out but then no placenta. After two more goes at removing it manually, I had to go to theatre at 6pm so they could remove it under GA. We saw our baby although he was a bit messed up as they fractured his pelvis. We are still waiting for the amnio result to confirm the sex although the Dr thought he might be a boy. He had bad feet, two thumbs, a misshaped head but we still loved him all the same. Now I understand how mothers love their kids even if they are murderers. We didn't care that he was the way he was. It doesn't change how you feel. Since we have come home we can't stop crying. We want him back and can't believe we had to make this awful decision. He could not have lived, 50% chance of dying before birth and 90% chance of dying by 1. We were told his condition was not compatible with life. We are devastated and I wonder how we will get through it....so many tears for our poor little baby. he never stood a chance

[Bron]

SJsmum. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and your experience. My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time.

[SJsMum]

Thanks Bron. It's really tough right now on DH and I and I really sympathise with everyone else who has found themselves faced with a decision about termination. It is such a complicated gut wrenching issue. Thanks for your support.

[clutz]

Thank you all so much for being brave enough to speak about your terinations , you have no idea how it helps me to be strong about my desusion after reading this thank you :yelclap: