Having an abortion when you don't 100% want to

[InTheClouds]

Hi,

I don't really want to go into my story too much on a public forum. Sorry. But basically I am considering having an abortion, even though I am not 100% sure about it. However circumstances are really making it seem like the right option. But it still seems so wrong?

Has anyone else aborted without being 100% sure. Did you regret it? I also have a child already and that seems to make it harder to accept. I know what this unborn baby will become...:no:

Sorry I am not willing to go into details but really looking for stories that might make sense to me?

[LovingMuma]

Understandable emotions.
I don't think anyone is 100% sure about a termination, even in the worst of circumstances when it really seems the right thing to do.
But people do, and live never to think about it again, have children with another man and life goes on....
Some also have issues with it...
It all really depends doesn't it???
I thin kit is good you are also considering the feeling of the father... as he is also involved in a big way.
It is life changing for all involved.
Once again, it depends on what your thoughts are, are you pro life?
Are you prepared to go it alone if he decides he is out?
Is it fair on the unborn child?

Life is a gift, no doubt.. But we are lucky in this country that we have choices, and sometimes it can be for the better.

I think that is what you have to decide.
Have you known the father long?
Is there time to try for children further down the track with him? When he feels more comfortable?

[RoarsomeMum]

I had an abortion.. Everyone told me it was the right thing to do and I listened.. EVERYONE else is comfortable with it but it is ME that lives with it.

NEVER make an ireversable decision you are not sure is right.. that in no way means don't have an abortion.. but please think about talking to someone before hand.. and PLEASE think about how YOU feel and what YOU think your carrying.. because it matters in the end.. coping wise..

I am in NO WAY against abortion or choice, I am just all too aware that when you are forced, pressured or uncomfortable with your choice, healing is almost impossible..

We ALL make the best choices with the information we have..

[LovingMuma]

Sorry I am not willing to go into details but really looking for stories that might make sense to me?

Did ever discuss with your partner (sorry, if he is) before you fell pregnant, what you would do if that situation ever arose?

[InTheClouds]

NEVER make an ireversable decision you are not sure is right.. that in no way means don't have an abortion.. but please think about talking to someone before hand.. and PLEASE think about how YOU feel and what YOU think your carrying.. because it matters in the end.. coping wise..

That's the thing... I have been to see someone and talk it through, and I am still just as confused.

I DO have the option of keeping the baby (obviously) but I don't know if that is the right option to choose. And I don't know how I even feel about aborting the baby. I know it is something I didn't think I would ever consider. But here I am considdering it. I don't think I will know until I do it and by then it is too late.

:(

[InTheClouds]

Did ever discuss with your partner (sorry, if he is) before you fell pregnant, what you would do if that situation ever arose?

Yes I have discussed it with him, although we are not officially together, and he did want to keep it but it is rather complex and really not very straight forward unfortunately.

[LovingMuma]

Ok... So you had a mature adult discussion on what you would both do/ feel/want if you fell pregnant, BEFORE the fact.

And the outcome of that discussion was.... He wanted to keep the baby, and i take it you also would of wanted to keep it.

So has there been a change of mind of the Father to be?

Mmmmm this story sounds very familiar.

[mrsd]

NEVER make an ireversable decision you are not sure is right..

:iagree: I don't have a story of my own - I've been lucky never to have had to face a complicated pregnancy situation in my own life (though DH hasn't been terribly enthusiastic about some of the later pregs, but that's another story - he's okay when bub is born).

But I trained as a volunteer pregnancy and post-abortion counsellor and have listened to stories from women who have felt pressured into decisions which they later regretted, simply because it is irreversible. Not saying all women do, of course, just that it may be more likely if you're not 100% sure beforehand anyway.

I don't know how complicated your circumstances are, but I can't think of any circumstances which would shock most of us. People can be judgemental and difficult and our choices can be very hard but it's always worth taking time to really think about what our most serious priorities are and whether we are making decisions because they're what we really want or because we're responding to someone else's priorities.

Good luck with your choices. I hope all works out well for you. :fingerscrossed:

[Roopee]

I thin kit is good you are also considering the feeling of the father... as he is also involved in a big way.

Have you known the father long?
Is there time to try for children further down the track with him? When he feels more comfortable?

Huh? The father of the baby is not even mentioned in the OP?

OP- you have to do what YOU can live with- only YOU. The father does deserve to have his feelings taken into account of course, but at the end of the day it is you who is left holding the baby so to speak.

One thing I have heard though is no-one regrest having had their child but I'm not sure the opposite would be true.

Only you can decide what is best for you.

[deany]

if you are unsure would adopting out or fostering out the baby be an option?

[trishalishous]

i agree that if you dont feel its 100% right then dont do it.
i was advised to abort my 'horribly disabled' daughter at 19 weeks. my husband and i decided we would let nature take its course, and 5 months later our perfect little girl was born with ZERO issues!
if in your heart you feel this is the right thing to do, then it is the right decision for you.

[trishalishous]

Did ever discuss with your partner (sorry, if he is) before you fell pregnant, what you would do if that situation ever arose?
what an odd question, did YOU have a 'what if you get pregnant?' conversation with every woman YOU have slept with before the fact?
if so youre the first man ive ever heard of who does that!

[Fox in Sox]

I know what this unborn baby will become...:no:

Are you saying that something unusual has come up in your prenatal testing, which is why you're considering termination. If so, I would urge you to do some research about the particular condition, talk to parents who have a child with that condition.

A termination is a huge decision. Definitely the right decision in many cases, but one which you should only make when you're as sure as you can be.

Good luck; it sounds like a really hard situation :hugs:

[MflUicM]

Firstly, hugs!:hugs2:


trishalishous

http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/images/styles/BubHub/misc/quote_icon.png Originally Posted by LovingMumahttp://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/images/styles/BubHub/buttons/viewpost-right.png (http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?p=5958170#post5958170)
Did ever discuss with your partner (sorry, if he is) before you fell pregnant, what you would do if that situation ever arose?



I don't think that is an odd question at all and a very valid one at that. Whenever you have sex with anyone, you have to consider the fact you may become pregnant with that person. I think it's a very wise question to ask. My partner and I, who had only been together a few months at the time certainly discussed this possibility. There was still confusion when we did fall pregnant, but at least I knew where he may stand if it ever occured.




Without knowing details, I have been in your shoes.

I fell pregnant young, unexpectantly, with a man I hadn't been with for all that long. I had no savings, no job etc. I was convinced my parents would disown me. All the things that people tend to consider when stuck between keeping the baby or aborting.

I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. We were shocked and scared. EVERYONE felt it would be best we didn't have the baby. They weren't cruel in saying this-they were thinking about what was best for us and this baby. My partner also did not think this was something we could do. (he did not make this decision lightly. it was about 2 weeks of thinking and discussion he decided this) I was so lost, confused and unsure that I agreed to an abortion. However, it didn't sit well with me. I never got the guts to ring and make an appointment at the clinic. I never made the steps towards going through with this abortion. I expressed this to my partner-we then went to a counsellor to get a 3rd opinion. I found in that session, I was defending the right to keep this baby. I was finding ways to make it work. I was, as a surprise to me, fighting for this babys life. Our counsellor said she had never faced such an undecided couple. We walked away from that assuming the abortion would still go ahead.
I got to about 10 weeks. I still didnt feel 100% right about the abortion. I literally woke up one morning, woke up my partner and said "I know how you feel about this baby. I know what you think and feel. I know your scared. However, I am going to keep this baby. Wether your able to stick around or not, when your ready, you can be this babys daddy. I would love to do this with you by my side, but I am prepared to do this alone. Im having this baby" There was a pause...and he says" Looks like we are having a baby..TOGETHER"
On the 19th of January I gave birth to my son and have never, ever regretted it. Neither has my partner. My family love him with all their being and supported us through it all.

Your story may not end this way, and that is ok. I too, am all for the right to having an abortion for whatever reasons the person decides. I am not anti-abortion at all. I could be wrong, but I don't think it's possible to regret a child. More people regret abortions than they do having a bub.
Again, the decision is yours. Life goes on either way. Listen to instincts and above all, have faith.

[InTheClouds]

Are you saying that something unusual has come up in your prenatal testing, which is why you're considering termination. If so, I would urge you to do some research about the particular condition, talk to parents who have a child with that condition.

No, that isn't the case. I meant that I knew what it will become, in the sense that I can't view it as just a 'cluster of cells or anything. I already think of it as a precious little baby.

I am still so unsure though. I feel like I would sacrifice so much and am scared I will resent it.

[Pinkzy]

:hugs::hugs: Whatever decision you make will bare significant consequences you'll live with for the rest of your life. It's weighing up those consequences and making a decision with your head and heart which is the hardest thing to do.

No matter what you decide, you're a loving mother. A caring person. Whatever decision you make, no matter how it feels, will be the right one. Please keep talking about this (in real life and on here) for support. You're not alone and I am sure there are many, many other women who've been where you are in support groups.

:hugs::hugs: Take one day at a time.

[KandBs Mumma]

I had a termination when I was 19. I didnt have any children and I am still with the man I was pregnant to. We now have a 1yr old and another on the way. At 19 I thought I was ready to be a mum and wanted to have the baby, my partner did not. His parents were not happy about it (told me I was trying to trap him) and neither were my parents (mum had me at 19 and I dont like to admit it or say it out loud but my mum regrets having me at that age :( but we all have our own feelings) I decided to terminate because of what I was being told and how everyone was making me feel. My partner said if I kept it he would leave me, now I think he was just scared and wouldnt have left. However, I think after 5years that it was the best decision for me, but I would have liked to make the decision for myself. I did regret it and think about it for a year but then realised that I really wasdnt ready and it was best for both of us.

At the end of the day, make the decision YOU think is right and dont let anyone influence you as that will cause you to regret it. YOU need to make the decision alone and only take whose opinions matter on board. Ans if you do decide to keep it, that baby will be very much loved by you (if not the father aswel) and your family. You will have the support you need.

Unfortunately know one can make the decision for you and if you dont want to go through with it its your choice. People cant judge you for that and if they do then they arent worth being around whichever decision you make.

Good luck, I hope this helps :goodvibes:

[lil miss]

Massive hugs! I know personally how hard it is. Ive been in the situation twice.

The first time, I fell pregnant when my DD was 9 months old. Her dad and I were in a very abusive relationship, were homeless and I suffered severe Post Natal Drepression. When I found out I was pregnant again, I was happy and wouldnt consider a termination because at that stage i didnt believe in it (for me personally). My mum and partner were pushing me to terminate and I knew 100% i didnt want to. I went to councelling and was even more confused. My partner then told me if I kept it he would leave me and take our daughter. I eventually gave in and booked the appointment. But the day before I was due to have the procedure, I miscarried. I was devistated. But I was also thankful that the horrible choice was taken out of my hands- nature made up its mind, not me.

The second time was just 3 months later. My daughters dad and I split the week I lost the baby and I moved up north with our daughter to live with my family. I started dating a guy I knew, and out of nowhere I found out I was pregnant- we had only been together 2.5 months. I still wasnt in the best frame of mind, but I was 100% sure I didnt want a termination. The guy said he thought I should as he wasnt ready for another child (he also had a daughter the same age as mine from a previous relationship), and that he wasnt financially stable to support another baby but that he would stand by me whatever I chose. Again, my mum pushed for me to terminate. I eventually agreed after giving it a lot of thought, and realised with my state of mind at the time it wouldnt be fair to me, my DD or the baby. So I had ther termination 2 weeks later. I flew to Brisbane by myself, my best friend who lived there drove me to the clinic and as we got to the front door I froze. I couldnt do it. But she gently reminded me why I had to (not forcing me), and I went through with it.

That was October 2009. Now, DD's dad and I are back together and happier then ever (the old days of abuse are long gone). We have a beautiful 13 month old daughter and are now trying for number 3. I do have days where I wonder about the baby I terminated, how she/he would look etc and yes, I do sometimes feel guilty. But at the end of the day I know I made the right choice. I wouldnt have my wonderful life I have if I didnt do it.

Only YOU can make this choice, and the best piece of advise I have is if you have any doubt dont do it. Its something you can never take back, never have a second chance. If you are not sure about keeping the baby, there are more options available (like adoption or fostering), but if you terminate, thats it.

Good luck

[KBaby]

How ever compliacted a situation is, could u have had a baby already and things could have been rough now anyways?
Im not against abortion, sometimes its just the only way.
but I do know it can play on ones mind:confused:

[~Gracie'sMummy~]

InTheClouds - How are you going with your decision? You haven't posted in a while. I hope either way you make the decision that is right for YOU and don't let anyone else pressure you into making a decision that you are not 100% comfortable with.

Have you thought about adoption? If you don't feel you are in a position to care for the child and are not comfortable with abortion, perhaps it would be a lovely gift to both the child and another couple to consider adoption?

I am adopted myself and am eternally grateful to my beautiful birth mother for giving me a chance at life, i could have easily been aborted but instead she has given me the chance at a wonderful amazing life and i am now a mother myself.

[waterlily]

I hope you ended up making the best decision for YOU not everyone else.

[waterlily]

Thinking of you. x

[InTheClouds]

Thanks everyone. I haven't been on here in a while and it was nice to see all the new replies. I did end up going through with it (only recently) and at the moment I am really struggling:(

At the clinic I had to fill out a form where I had to circle how I was feeling (sad, guilty and grieving) and circle anything I was concerned about, to do with the procedure or pain and all that. I circled "How I will cope afterwards" and they just told me to keep thinking of my reasons, but it is funny how hard those reasons are to remember at times:crying: Thanks anyway...

[InTheClouds]

And I do feel like I made the decision for me... No one else wanted me to have it done. So it certainly wasn't for anyone else. I still feel guilty though. And selfish.

[lil miss]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[iamLilysmummy]

:hugs:

[remembertobreathe]

:hugs:

[GluttonForPunishment]

You will get through this. Lean on those who love you the most - they will want to be there for you right now. You just need to let them.

[tasha1984]

Have you known the father long?
Is there time to try for children further down the track with him? When he feels more comfortable?


Honestly, I think you are lucky she didn't come back and say, well actually, I was raped...

There was NO mention of a father in the OP and to be honest I would have been offended by this question. If the OP hasn't mentioned a partner/husband/FOB, why ask about it like it's guaranteed she has one?

Ask if she has a partner or whatever sure, but like I said, she may very well have been raped and this question would be SO hurtful!

OP, I hope you are doing ok and have access to counselling and people who support your decision. I know it must have been very hard. :hugs: