Eleithyia
12-07-2011, 22:25
It is such a taboo subject. I dont think that I could go to a GP and actually say anything out loud in order to get help. But I hate holding all this in.
At 16 i fell pregnant for the first time, during the school holidays of year 11. I had a miscarriage. I never went to a Dr, i was too scared. I bled for a week, slept and cried. No one but my DP knew. I recovered, and went on with life. Tried not to think about it.
At 17, on 18 Nov 05, and then at 18, on 6th Oct 06, i had terminations. I remember these dates, and always will. It was always something i was opposed to, I think I would have happily gone through with having a baby, but i let DP's feelings override mine, and agreed to have the terminations. We could barely support ourselves, at times lived in a tent near a river, didn't have a car, lived off noodles and cheap food. For years, i made myself believe that the decisions we made were the right ones.
In January 09 I fell pregnant again, I was so happy, DP was for termination, i disagreed, I was going to have my baby. (He never sat in that room, wearing the ugly gown, hugging a little blanket. The scans were the worst, there was my beautiful little baby up on the screen, which was Directed right at me as i laid there, i closed my eyes, tried not to look. Those images are burnt in my ind for forever. After it was over, i never spoke of it again). I had a miscarriage. I felt like it was my punishment for terminating my previous pregnancies, i didnt deserve this baby. Now that i wanted to go through with the pregnancy, my baby was taken away.
At 21, i fell pregnant with DS. Since having him, I have more than ever before thought about my pregnancies, my babies. What i did, what could have been. What they would look like, who they would take after. when would they have sat, crawled. Their first words. The regret, guilt, shame and self hate I feel daily makes me sick. I look at DS, see how beatiful and amazing he is. See and feel how he completes me, and know that I could of had this years ago. I wish I could go back and change what I did. But I cant, and I have to live with that. Little Angels, i am so sorry.
I dont expect any response. I just needed to get i out. Thank you.
At 16 i fell pregnant for the first time, during the school holidays of year 11. I had a miscarriage. I never went to a Dr, i was too scared. I bled for a week, slept and cried. No one but my DP knew. I recovered, and went on with life. Tried not to think about it.
At 17, on 18 Nov 05, and then at 18, on 6th Oct 06, i had terminations. I remember these dates, and always will. It was always something i was opposed to, I think I would have happily gone through with having a baby, but i let DP's feelings override mine, and agreed to have the terminations. We could barely support ourselves, at times lived in a tent near a river, didn't have a car, lived off noodles and cheap food. For years, i made myself believe that the decisions we made were the right ones.
In January 09 I fell pregnant again, I was so happy, DP was for termination, i disagreed, I was going to have my baby. (He never sat in that room, wearing the ugly gown, hugging a little blanket. The scans were the worst, there was my beautiful little baby up on the screen, which was Directed right at me as i laid there, i closed my eyes, tried not to look. Those images are burnt in my ind for forever. After it was over, i never spoke of it again). I had a miscarriage. I felt like it was my punishment for terminating my previous pregnancies, i didnt deserve this baby. Now that i wanted to go through with the pregnancy, my baby was taken away.
At 21, i fell pregnant with DS. Since having him, I have more than ever before thought about my pregnancies, my babies. What i did, what could have been. What they would look like, who they would take after. when would they have sat, crawled. Their first words. The regret, guilt, shame and self hate I feel daily makes me sick. I look at DS, see how beatiful and amazing he is. See and feel how he completes me, and know that I could of had this years ago. I wish I could go back and change what I did. But I cant, and I have to live with that. Little Angels, i am so sorry.
I dont expect any response. I just needed to get i out. Thank you.