Need advice

[Milktini]

deleted.

[higgleandgoot]

No real advice. But couldn't not reply. Hugs! Sounds pretty complicated. But I'd firstly try and find out WHY his mum needs to leave him for three months?!

[higgleandgoot]

And a bump! :)

[Milktini]

deleted.

[higgleandgoot]

Oh okay. That seems like a long time to be separated from a parent. Maybe suggest the time be much shorter? Ofcorse, this might not sit well with your parters ds. Not sure if you've stated this already - but does his bio mother live close?

[Fuchsia!]

I know it's not ideal but maybe after an adjustment period, which will probably be really hard, it might get easier and he will build up a better relationship with you and start to listen and be a part of your family without any issues and then making future visits a lot less stressful for you?

Does that make sense? I think it will be really good for your relationship with him if he lives with you.

But that initial adjustment period will be very hard.

I also think you need to find out why she doesn't want him?

Perhaps him staying with you would be the best thing for his wellbeing? I know it would be really hard but if he is not being looked after properly by his mother then you and your husband must step up and take him in.

Can your husband cut back on his hours? If he is in your care you would save money on child support an she would have to give you child support also so he might be able to cut back hours and help more at home?

[Fuchsia!]

Thanks Mummahh :)

Apparently she just wants to do 3months with us, 3months with her. I said to DP, so what we are just meant to not see him for 3 whole months, and he said he will talk to her and see what her motives are.

Hmm that's a really odd arrangment to make! Who would not want to see their child for 3mths?

Something sounds really off


Sent from my iPhone using Bub Hub

[Whippet]

You need to have a chat to your DP about how you're feeling.

From what you've said, your main concern is that he doesn't listen to you and you don't know how you'll cope with that. You need to tell your DP this and negotiate some parenting techniques. If he is in your care most of the time, are you allowed to discipline? What are you allowed to do as his step-mum?

The fact that he doesn't listen to you can be changed, but only with the support of your DP.

[Milktini]

deleted.

[higgleandgoot]

I agree^ - after a long period of time spent with you, he is likely to start listening to you.

[brizbabe71]

Is he in Kindy at all that would allow for you to have a break? and allow him to socialise with kids and a person of authority (teacher) other than yourself during the day.

At that age (3) I find a 3 month stint very odd to be honest but meh each to their own

[twinboysmum]

I know it's not ideal but maybe after an adjustment period, which will probably be really hard, it might get easier and he will build up a better relationship with you and start to listen and be a part of your family without any issues and then making future visits a lot less stressful for you?

Does that make sense? I think it will be really good for your relationship with him if he lives with you.

But that initial adjustment period will be very hard.

This is what I was going to say because it is like that with my DSD. Coming straight from her mothers house she is still in her mother's house rules/ environment etc. so it takes a few days to get back into our house rules and environment and then all is well.

My DP and I have been through years of very hard times over custody, contact etc. and were advised never to just do as the biological mother wanted if it was not what we wanted too. We were advised not to let her think that we are just her daughters baby sitters when ever she wanted us to be or that she can have her way in relation to access when she wants at a drop of a hat. There needs to be set up arrangements in place.

I know your DP would want his son because I am sure he misses him and loves spending as much time as him as he can get but I would recommend you sort out a bit more permanent access so everyone knows were they stand including his son and your children as well.

[Milktini]

deleted.

[Milktini]

deleted.

[higgleandgoot]

Something is definately a bit off here, concerning the boys mother..

[Benji]

I really think you all need to go to mediation - it just isn't working. They can help you sort out all of this. This little boy needs two loving homes who BOTH want him and welcome him and he'd probably be benefited if he had a routine between the two homes. I actually feel very sad for him, it sounds like nobody is fighting for him in this scenario - only fighting to keep him away. My situation is similar, although I am the biological mother - my XDP thinks him having DS is a 'favour' to me and will cancel on me hours before he's due to pick him up, leaving me at work, DS at school and me in a pickle! I actually told him, after YEARS of this nonsense and messing me around, to PO until we have mediation and he *actually* shows up. I do not want my son's little heart broken any more.

I think it may help if you put your foot down and say that you want an agreement that is set in stone and you are to all stick to your end of the bargain.

As for DSS crying when it's time to leave, I don't think that means he's frightened of her necessarily. My DS sometimes gets very upset when it's time to leave his fathers house because he gets to watch TV and eat junk all day and he has to come home to eat vegies and brush his teeth, do homework etc lol. Plus, dad is "new" because he doesn't see him all the time (his dad's choice). Kids are like that!

3 months is waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too long for this little boy to be living away from his regular home. I actually find that very cruel on her behalf :( although I understand single parenting can be incredibly daunting at the best of times, I know I didn't cope when I didn't have a partner and I wish my DS' father helped out more. I was on the verge of a breakdown. Perhaps something is going on :(

[Benji]

I should add, I think it's wonderful that you care for DSS while your husband is working. Is there any way you could have him on the days your husband isn't working?

I really feel for my son's step-mother because she is lumped with caring for DS while FOB takes off and I feel it's very unfair as FOB is a part of DS and DS wants to see HIM but he's left with his step-mum! I really appreciate everything she does and I know she loves him but there are times when it's unfair on her when she needs a break or has other things that need doing.

[twinboysmum]

This is exactly what I try to tell DP! It is so hard because 1 week she tells us she is moving a million miles away, she just took him 8 hours away from us on a wknd we were meant to have him and then she turns around and says well you can have him 2 weeks in a row because you didn't have him last week. Even though that was not our choice. We have spoken about having him 1 week on 1 week off, but again it has fallen through because she has changed her mind. I can't set anything in stone, set up daycare for him, DP can reduce his hours or change them so it suits the family better, but we cant do any of this because she is constantly changing her mind. We have offered to take him full time, but again she doesn't want this because it means her centrelink payments get cut and she needs to pay us childsupport. it's just a real headache!

I bet it is, no-one knows if they are coming or going.
I don't know much about mediation and if they set up legal orders but if they don't maybe you could look at going to a lawyer, possibley family court. It is expensive but in my case very worth it.

[Milktini]

deleted.

[2BoysPlusOne]

Hey honey,

Woah I can understand the way you feel, that must be so stressful. But hmmm something does sound very fishy with her....but what also worries me is that who wouldnt want to have their son for 3 months? She is prepared to not see her son for 3 months? That doesnt sit right with me.

I agree mediation may be a good idea, the first 3 hours is free and if she declines you can get a certificate which states so and can be used in court. I just went to mediation with Seb's Dad and it worked really well for us.

[Benji]

I don't blame you for worrying BlueBoys. What a mess! Absolute mess!

I was thinking maybe if there's any suspicious bruises showing up in future take him to a GP but the problem there is that DoCS may become involved etc if they are suspicious and it's hard to know how they will intervene.

Problem with mediation is that the other parent doesn't *have* to show up if they don't want to, but you do get the certificate as 2BoysPlusOne mentioned - this will go against her if it does end up back in court (hopefully it's resolved before that point).

From everything I've read, there's really nothing stopping your DH from simply saying that DSS will be living with you from now on iykwim. Especially re the bruising etc, that's horrible. There's no court orders or anything.

I feel sick for this poor little boy, I hope your husband fights for him :(

[~Gracie'sMummy~]

Oh BlueBoys... big :hugs: to you. That is not an easy position to be in. I have been in almost exactly the same position when i was 22 with my DSD.
How has everything worked out over the last couple of weeks? I notice these posts are about 2 weeks old.

I am also a Step Mum and i have to tell you, i think it is the most challenging 'job' in the world. There are so many levels and restrictions to the relationship between SM and DSD or DSS. My DP and i got together when i was 22 and my DSD was only 3 as well so i can totally relate to all of your feelings and concerns.

My advice is this...
The child has to come first and foremost in this situation. He is only 3 years old and is no doubt aware and feeling the tension between your DP and his Mum and also the tug of war and inconsistency. The poor little guy. He is very lucky to have you in his life, you are doing a wonderful job looking after him.
You really have to put him first and just make sure that he feels loved, protected and welcome in your home and in your arms because he clearly isn't feeling that from his Mother.

This will NOT be easy on you, you will be frustrated, you will probably resent your DP a little for it, you will be angry at his Mum, and you will be completely justified in all of those feelings. I have been there!!

I agree with the others that mediation is the best way to start proceedings. But until you can do that it's worth trying to have your DSD with you full time to keep him safe.

I know the thought of looking after someone else's child full time is very daunting and overwhelming but you will be ok. Just make sure you are honest with DP about how you are feeling and make sure you take time out for yourself in the evenings or on the weekend to get a break.

My DSD was horrendously behaved and didn't listen to me at all when she was 3 as she had never been disciplined before. Things did get a lot better, but it takes time and a lot of patience and consistent routine. He will eventually start to listen to you and respect you. You have to remember he is only doing and treating you the way he has been taught to, but you can teach him to treat you differently.

It was a hard long road with my DSD but we get along really well now and she is very respectful and helpful and such a great big sister to my DD. There were definitely times in my relationship with DH that i thought i might walk out because it was just too much but i'm so glad i stuck it out and we got through the awful times.

I wish you all the best with this. And with TTC!!! Looking forward to hearing how it's all going....

[Nazgul]

What was the situation with DSS and your DP before you came into the picture??

[Nazgul]

Im just thinking, if this Is how it has been for 3 years than nothing will change..
My exDP and I were together for 2.5 years and he had a DS who was my DSS.. We were together since DSS was 4 months old. The BM (bio mum) was constantly dumping the DSS on us or asking for money... In the year or 2009-2010 we had DSS for 6-9 months. We gained legal advice but the BM never signed or agreed. But alas in the long run, there isn't anything you can do. It's all up to the DP and his backbone and the size of his balls.. (lol sorry) to whether anything gets done. The BM will always be flippant an chain he mind because she knows your DP will do anything she asks.
As for DSS attitude..
If he is an only child with a....
"unconventional" mother...
What else do you expect..
Treat him how you treat your sons and tell your DP you expect the same other wise it won't work..

I hope it works out for you, I miss my DSS dearly but I couldn't stay in a relationship where I always was the blame and fell out of love with my exDP...