Becoming a mother = reliving high school *VENT*

[eviezmum]

18 months ago I was spending my days in a fast paced, demanding and male dominated corporate office. I was one of 5 females doing my job in an office of over 250 staff. When I found out I was pregnant I was kind of looking forward to spending more time with other women. I think I was expecting some kind of "solidarity" or "sisterhood", as only another mother will ever truly know what you are talking about or how you are feeling. What I did not expect was to feel like I had been thrown back into high school, faced with a world seemingly full of catty, petty, cliquey females who appear to take pleasure in making other mums - and especially other NEW mums - feel small and inadequate.

DD is now 9 months old and I can say that I have met only 2 women who have shown any interest in meeting anyone outside of their own little "group" to the point where they (the others, not the two I've met) wont even talk or return a smile to any newcomer who dares arrive at the mothers group/play group/swimming lessons etc. This morning I had to take DD to a "makeup" swimming class as we missed our regular spot last week. I was completely ignored by the other mothers there, and physically shuffled out of the way by one of them - pressumably because I was in her usual "spot"? - This, while making me angry, I can handle. But my 9 month old ws also ignored and the other children kept away from her when all she clearly wanted to do was play - this I will not tolerate.

Since I fell pregnant I have been faced with the Natural V Caesarian debate, to have drugs or not to have drugs, Breast or Bottle. Now its, is she crawling/talking/walking yet because mine is/isn't. Let me tell you, this time of life is scary and upsetting enough without adding in those of you that make us feel like we are bad mothers if we have drugs during labour, or decide not to breast feed our child until she is 21. Why is it that no one says "who cares how your baby comes into this world, as long as he arrives safely", where are the mothers who tell you "it doesn't matter how you feed your child, what is important is that the child gets fed and is happy and healthy - because so many in this world don't and aren't"?? I have even heard a story of one woman who was asked to leave her mothers group as she made the other mothers uncomfortable because she was skinnier than them! Seriously!! I am looking for the back oval so I can go and sit and watch the boys play football, just so I can get away from the girls for a while!

To the ladies that feel it is necessary to pass judgment in an instant and then ostrasize, critisize and be down right mean to every other mother they meet based on these judgments, I say this; I am 32 years old. I will NOT be made to feel less than I am because I am not you, or because I have not been doing this for very long. I am a good mother and your judgments/actions/spitefullness will not intimidate me.

Please remember that this is all about children and raising them to be good people. After all, isn't that something that ALL of us have in common? We all want our children to live in happy worlds, to be good people and to be protected from evil forces? If I am making the time to take my child to the same place you are, isn't that showing that I am making the same efforts as you and want the same for my baby as you do for yours? Manners cost nothing and it will never kill you to return the smile of someone who is new, overwhelmed, possibly shy and definitely in need of a friend or two.

Now that I have written war and peace here - and I must admit I feel better after my massive vent - I think its important to point out that children learn by example. If you teach your child to be rude, judgmental, critical and exclusive you will find you will raise a child who will have no friends in school as kids dont want to play with bullies and who will be left behind as an adult - because there is more to life than mothers groups and one day your child will have to face grown ups who just wont put up with this crap!

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I would be interested to know if anyone else has felt this way??

[cam11]

I'm coming to join you on the back oval!!

[Californication]

:hugs: sounds like you have met the wrong women! My Mums Group is not like that. Mine is fun, everyone is nice, helpful and we enjoy getting together. Maybe look in the local sections on here and see if anyone wants to meet up?

[confusd]

I have felt like that.

I went to a mothers group of "young mothers" and they said i was odd because i stuck to my budget rather then buying the clothes i wanted and i wanted DD to go to a private high school. I stopped going because they would just sit in their little group and there would be me and one other lady left on the outside.

[MrsHoneyBee]

This was so well written and I couldn't read and not post.
I am not yet a mum (any day now hopefully though bub will decide to make an appearance), it’s so disappointing that this is the experience you have found with many other mothers. Sadly it is something that worries me also, what a shame and how unnecessary particularly when there enough things in life that can be a challenge for new parents.
Can I say however, good on you for having such a resilient attitude in how you are dealing with these negative individuals. What a wonderful example you are setting for your daughter. :yes:

[threechooks]

:wave: Guess what.. motherhood is not a competition. You do what works for you. Why do you care so much what others think? Mums may not be intentionally excluding you. Most are shy or insecure or just plain BUSY.
Do you have some close female friends? Listen and spend time with them and forget the rest.
I come from a male dominated work place too. I was confident in my decisions and supervised groups of men. But those workplace decisions were black and white and mothering requires considering so many grey areas.

I have never felt like you are feeling but I don't take others rudeness personally. I see it as a reflection on the bad day/life they are probably having;).

[ayashe]

Wow, well said. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I experienced something similar when I moved to my current town: people just aren't interested in what isn't already familiar to them and they don't seem to care about making new friends or even being friendly to strangers. So frustrating and self-centred! After 3 years I've made a few friends and feel much more at home, but that "attitude" still prevails. As far as these mothers go, I say you're better off without them! Who needs people around them like that? I wish you luck in finding other mothers who have substance and are caring and interested in you & the health of your child rather than making a competition of everything. BOO!

[BorrisWombatWife]

Make room for me by the oval. My birth plan was.... Out! Dont plan my every move to be educational. Have regular pj days watching ABC kids.
The mums group I was in before moving was great once a few of us were honest enough to say our faults out loud.
Look for other groups, I have always found it hard to meet others and form friendships but push myself, but it can be hard to find others with similar morals/life goals.
Good luck and enjoy your time at home.

[Casey88]

I just wanted to say that I have felt like this at times too! It is scary becoming a mum for the first time. Hope you do find some nice people eventually. I have and it does make such a difference. :)

[baby4us]

Well written and you are definitely not the only one who feels like that.

I was under the impression (pre-kids) that every other mum would welcome you into a group because you all have something in common but that has not been my experience either.

However I have meet some lovely people too at different places so its not all bad, just wasn't what I expected.

[krystallxx]

Excellent post ! I know exactly how you feel ! I dropped out of school because I was pregnant .. This apparently makes me scummy, slutty and uneducated! Mind you I have a vce yr 12 certificate, diploma of interior design and a pca certificate.
Hence why I have minimal friends and I plan to keep it that way!

[Maybelline]

Very well written indeed!!!!

Women can always be *****y ..motherhood is no exception...

I have found most are shy ..so you kind of have to do the work..you can always spot the mums who are confident and there to chat and have a great time...try to find them...

Join diff groups..you will find one that works..the amount of an annoying mums I have gone through MY GOD!!!!..
There is about 6 of us in a playgroup who get on fab..we do lunches and other activities ..I did not want to always chat about babies/kids/poo/crawling blah blah blah..... playgroup is for us not just the kids (often we would like to turn up without them)

good luck!!

[JaneDoe]

Well said!! *claps hands*

However please don't feel we are all like this!!!!!

I'm not sure where you live but can you branch out to some other activities where diff mums will be, it can be hard when 'the clique' is at all activities.

I'm almost certain some other hubbers would love to be friends with you and your DD, why not maybe put out your general location and ask for PMs for people near you with maybe kids close to your DD age?!

I'm also not sure if you thought about schools but if you have maybe approach the school for some suggestions, lots of schools have a preschool and some playgroups attatched.

Good luck, you sound lovely and I hope these bishes don't get to you!

[shelle65]

I am university educated. I am well travelled. I know and understand what is happening in the world around me - in a greater scope than my own four walls and how many children Brad and Angelina have these days. I chose to start a family when I was ready to. I gave up a 6 figure salary to be at home with my daughter, and I dont regret a minute of it.



Yes I have felt the same way as you, but the above quote sounds exactly like the attitude about which you are complaining... :confused:

[eviezmum]

Yes I have felt the same way as you, but the above quote sounds exactly like the attitude about which you are complaining... :confused:

Hi Shelle65. You're right. In the middle of getting mad, having a whinge and trying to reinforce the things I like about me so that I dont feel so sorry for myself, I have done exactly that. Thanks for pointing it out, I have removed it. I also took a cheap shot about breastfeeding my daughter until she was 21, but I think I might leave that bit in....;)

[Just*Ace]

Maybe you could find some mums on here in your local area? I found that I was so worried about being judged and disliked that I gave off a snobby attitude that probably stopped alot of people from talking to me. Now I really don't give a hoot what people think of me, yeah I will probably be 1 of the ones breastfeeding till my daughter is 21 but if anyone has a problem with that they aren't worth my time. Maybe try making the first move, tell them their kid is gorgeous and see where that leads. They might be feeling the same as you

[siesmum]

Excellent post!! From the day you fall pregnant some Mums act as though its a competition, from the size of your belly, to when they start solids and talking.
If the Mums don't want to make friends fine, but it's horrible when they won't let the kids play together.

[mummy2Luca]

agreed where is the "sisterhood" out there! we are all mums and all know what its like to be the new mum, new person in a group and should all make the effort to make that person feel how we should all be treated - with respect, dignity and most of all kindness! We all want the same thing so why not unite together and make eachother happy instead of having poor people on here in tears because they are attacked for being the best mother possible. All our children our beautiful and loved and the future of this country and all children deserve to be played with and not have other mums pull there children away :hugs: as a mum who is young and gets judged ALL the time when out all I can do is say sorry for the mums who do this to you.

All I can say is people next time you are out and about to judge for that child with no shoes on, that mother who is in MY SPOT, please think that you cannot make a proper judgement on your 2 second look into someones life and they probably need support, friendship and how aweful it is when someone makes you feel poor for the decisions you make for the best.

[Azurial]

Can we be friends???

I watched my SIL do exactly what you posted about and decided that when my turn came to have the option to join a mothers group I would deny it. I do not regret my decision at all. I love my child and I take care of him the best way I know, what anyone else thinks, bar my mum of course as I respect her opinion and DH, is up to them and has no influence on me. I do not tell my friends how to parent their children, and they dont tell me how to parent mine, if help is asked for on either side it is always freely given. I cannot stand this competition that takes place between mothers but its not like its a new thing, just, I guess, lots of women have never had anything in their lives to be truly proud of so when they have a child who they wrongly believe is some sort of possession, they feel this desire to compare and push and compete in the who has the best baby competition.

Hope you find some kindred spirits to hang out and just be with!!! :hugs:

[share a book]

I went to a few before we found one that was any good. We tried one playgroup for "young mothers" (18 to 25 - I was 23 at the time) and found they were all about their next night out and how to fob the children off. They'd be working out who could have the baby so they could go out for the night and looking at the latest fashion to see what to buy off the rack when it first hit the shops then ask about all the charities when the money ran out and the baby was out of nappies/wipes/formula/whatever else was needed that week or for the power or phone or whatever. I didn't like it one bit. Was very much excluded for obvious reasons. Then there were other playgroups where they would literally pull their chair in closer so another chair could not possibly fit in then if someone they knew came along they'd shuffle backwards again to let only that person in.

We went to swimming lessons but had no problems there like that. We went to ABA meeting and had no problems there. We went to one playgroup where they were very welcoming and lovely people who were there to socialise and have a coffee and cake or whatever while the children interacted with one another. I honestly could not have known who was breastfeeding and who wasn't apart from the ones who fed there but most fed before they went in and I wouldn't have known at all. It was also never an issue. I wouldn't have known who walked when unless they took their first steps at playgroup or crawled there for the first time. Then if one did that it was all exciting for everyone and none of that "Oh mine did that younger than yours" or any such thing.

My point is keep looking around until you find one you like. You might need to try a few but they are out there! Keep looking :)

[Gothel]

So glad to read your post, eviezsmum! I just thought yes yes yes tick tick, been there, yes. I'm a blow-in to my community, have very few connections and no history here, and I really really needed to connect with other mums so that I had some social contact as a sahm. One cliquey playgroup, one totally impersonal playgroup, one dominated by an opinionated cow. one take-it-or-leave-it mothers group that seemed to fizzle out due to general busy-ness and lack of dynamic.

And one absolutely fabulous playgroup where I have made a whole bunch of badly needed friends, that I can't wait to go to every week, where I just have a smile on my face all morning, and which i would be lost without!

I'm an inclusive kind of person and my confidence in womankind has taken a bashing by doing the rounds of the playgroups in my area. H.o.w.e.v.e.r I REFUSE to behave that way. In fact, when new mums join our playgroup I make a big effort to meet and greet with a smile on my face, invite them back next week, remember their name if they show up, exhange numbers etc. I don't careif they think i'm pushy or over the top, I'd rather that than have someone walk away from our playgroup feeling like I have felt in the past. It doesn't take much effort to makesomeone feel welcome!

[SuPeRsTaRrR]

It's so true! I was hated by girls in high school and feared the same would happen with being a mum because I have a very open minded laid back attitude to motherhood!

Am I ashamed when I tell ppl I had a *gasp* epidural to get Ds out? Nope! I just ask if they have ever seen the size of forceps!

I used to feel sooo guilty about only BFing for 3 weeks and feared being judged and scorned because I decided it for me! Heaven forbid my child who was piling on the weight as a bottle fed babe be doomed to not have bonded with me for this reason!!

He's 6 months and doesn't roll or sit...do I feel inadequate? Have I failed him? Nope...he's a funny little man who does a million other things!!

I'm sorry uve had a negative experience in finding other mums!! I hope you don't give uP yet! There really are a bunch of fabulous open minded non judge women out there who are happy for people to do things their own way!!!