View Full Version : Please help - I really don't know what to do. Advice needed. Desperate.
Long story short - FOB has mucked me around with his access visits since I left him 4 years ago. He cancels at the drop of a hat. EVENTUALLY he said he wants DS every 2nd weekend and the first week of holidays (funnily enough, just enough days to get him out of paying child support completely).
Anyway, I'm very firm with him that he IS having him those days... but he still tries it on and I'm incredibly stressed and uneasy about the entire situation.
Last school holidays, from day 2 I received non-stop texts nagging me to take DS back - I didn't take annual leave so I said sorry he'd just have to deal with it - your idea, pretty much.
Last Thursday night I received a text at 7 pm saying "we're not taking DS tomorrow", I had to argue with them because unfortunately I cannot just willy nilly walk out of work at 2 pm with no notice because they have their hands tied.
EVERY fortnight, not some, not most but EVERY fortnight there is an issue:
- they forgot the carseat
- FOB overslept and was late picking up DS from school and he wouldn't answer his phone when school staff tried to contact him
- they've run out of petrol so I'll have to drop him off / pick him up
- they have a wedding to attend so won't be taking him
- they have a concert to attend so won't be taking him
- they've forgotten his school books
- their car is broken
- FOB has the sniffles so won't take him (yet if I have the sniffles I can suffer in my jocks)
I work long hours, DP works long hours too and we run a business. We simply cannot be picking up their slack because they cannot get their act together. We do not have the time. The text I received on Thursday alluded to me that they actually believe that they are doing DP and I a favour by taking DS for 2nd weekends :confused: and it's just all fun and games and not a responsibility.
I tried mediation years ago and FOB point blank didn't even respond to their calls nor letters. I just called mediators again but they do not have any available times until September :hissy: not that he'd likely show up anyway because it isn't a direct benefit to him.
On the 6th of June I sent FOB a text "did you want to go halves in school fees" and he replied he'd give me the money next week as he spent this weeks pay already. I asked him again yesterday and no response - I know I ain't getting that money. It would've been nice to put toward OSHC bill and I thought maybe for once FOB would do the right thing but nope. FOB also committed verbally to buying some of the school uniform - that has not yet happened and is not likely to.
Anyway, what are my rights?
Can I tell him to leave us alone until he grows up and WANTS to be a FATHER? Because, honestly, DS has a proper father (my DP) who actually loves him, doesn't abandon him by constant lateness and let downs. I honestly want him to **** off out of my life, I'm sick of not sleeping due to worry about what happens with DS while there - is he fobbed off to others? Do they feed him properly? Do they supervise him out the front? He's always coming home in the middle of winter in tshirts and shorts yet I sent him there in a singlet, skivvy, tshirt, vest/jacket and pants.
DP and I have bent over backwards for many years to fit DS into FOB's social and work schedules and FOB seems to have absolutely no regard whatsoever for ours. DP and I have family emergencies, sicknesses, concerts, weddings and yet funnily enough we seem to be able to be parents and work out what to do with DS without making demands on them.
RunningWithScissors
21-06-2011, 12:53
:hugs::hugs:
I could have written that post in its entirety! Everything. Right down to taking the kids just enough to avoid child support... on paper that is.
In reality he 'dumps' them on me 90% of the time. I have to change my plans, shuffle or miss work (when I was working) to accommodate him. It used to pee me off... now I just make sure I have a sitter regardless of where the kids are supposed to be.
He always has to "work", theres always some function that he 'has' to do, or 'training' thats compulsory. Facebook usually tells me that he is out with his mates.
At one point I called CSA because I wanted more than the $1.83p/w in CS as he hadn't taken them for months, but according to them, because I 'agreed to babysit' then it's all ok. He is entitled to have the kids babysat while in his care :thumbsdown:
He also refuses to care for them if they are sick, he called me 5 times in half an hour because DD was sick, I had to go pick her up and rush her to hospital where she spent the night with suspected meningitis. Ex didn't even bother going to see her, but DH left work and spent the night with us.
Same when DS dislocated his arm...ex didn't bother showing up to hospital, meanwhile DH spent the night and bought him in treats.
DD broke her ankle a few years ago..it was DH (who was then just my DP) who would drive the 40 mins from his house to help me out with DD.
Legally, we don't have a leg to stand on unless you can prove that the child/ren are in danger.
I take comfort in knowing that my kids see this, and one day they will realize exactly who was there when they needed him. They are old enough now to realize that its DH handing over the cash for their dancing and sport, its DH who drives them to, and attends games, classes and performances, who is doing school runs, attending parent teacher interviews, is there when they are sick, takes them to the Dr, who does the late night pharmacy or hospital runs.
I don't bad mouth their father to them, but I also don't lie to them. When he doesn't want them so he can take his latest GF away for a week, I tell them exactly that. "Sorry, he wanted to go away" "Sorry, he wanted to go to a party/club/movie" and when they ask why, I tell them they need to speak to him.
I no longer argue with him either, if he doesn't want them, GREAT! It means they are safe, loved and cared for here at home, where they come first.
What gets me most is that ex is completely unashamed that another man is financially and emotionally giving his children what he can't be bothered.
What an awful human being. I feel sorry for him.
You can always ask your ex if he is willing to give up access?
faroutbrusselsprout
21-06-2011, 13:02
Oh mate. That sucks. Totally totally sucks.
I can't even imagine how stressful it must be for you both.
I wish I had some answer for you, I really do.
I feel so angry for you, I know it's easier said than done but I would be taking drastic action.
I would document everything you can remember and go and seek legal advice.
It's not fair.
I remember you saying his partner was actually really lovely. Can you speak to her about any of this?
DS1's bio Dad live interstate so I really don't have the issues that you do. I can imagine we would though if he lived closer.
((((hugs))))
Hollywood
21-06-2011, 13:09
**hugs** :hugs:....how bloody stressful and unfair! I don't know what to advise because my situation is so different. Is cutting contact an option until he pulls his socks up? It just doesn't sound like a 'win' situation for anyone involved, least of all your DS.
RWS sorry this is happening to you, too :hugs: I'm surprised that legally there is nothing we can do - all I'm asking is that he takes him on the day HE agrees to - I really don't care which day it is, how many days just so long as I'm not getting calls from the school that he hasn't been picked up :hissy:
faroutbrusselsprout thanks so much for your empathy :hugs: his partner is really lovely but unfortunately she seems to be caught in the middle of this. She was actually the one who texted me on Thursday night cancelling on me, no doubt FOB would have put her up to it and she got quite shirty with me when I said that I was working and FOB would have to deal with it :( which is a shame because I really do like her.
I truly feel sick thinking about Friday - what on earth do I tell the teacher? Call me if his deadbeat dad doesn't pick him up? I've been trying to call FOB but he doesn't answer my calls. I need to fill out the vacation care form and I need to know whether to book DS in for one or two weeks in school holidays. This truly blows. I also sent him a text saying that if it's too much for him I'm happy if he wants to see him more regularly but shorter time slots - no reply :rolleyes:
fobs I've been keeping a diary and I tried calling legal aid - looks like my last resort, family lawyer, will have to be used.
RWS I feel sorry for them too, they have no idea the joys that parenting brings.
RunningWithScissors
21-06-2011, 13:19
It all comes down to you "agreeing" to take him unfortunately :( What do they expect us to do though? Say "Nope, leave him at school/home alone?" Seriously!! You can go back to mediation and ask that the order be changed, but as you said, if he doesn't answer their requests you are kind of stuck :(
emzluvbub
21-06-2011, 13:23
Crashing here but couldn't read without giving you some :hugs: :hugs:
What a crappy situation. Your DS doesn't deserve that :(
It all comes down to you "agreeing" to take him unfortunately :( What do they expect us to do though? Say "Nope, leave him at school/home alone?" Seriously!! You can go back to mediation and ask that the order be changed, but as you said, if he doesn't answer their requests you are kind of stuck :(
I really am stuck. I've not once agreed to their last minute demands and I have used up every resource available to me to get care for DS when they back out.
I find it truly hard to believe that the family courts would allow one parent to expect these kinds of demands of the other without mutual agreement, I really don't think that's right.
I don't care about child support so much, I don't want his filthy, disgusting, cash-in-hand money - he can keep spending it on alcohol and cigarettes and speeding fines until the day he dies for all I care I just want to know whether I need to arrange vacation care for holidays or OSHC for Friday evenings.
shelle65
21-06-2011, 13:58
What state are you in Benji? You can get free legal advice on these issues from the Womens Legal Service in your state, for example:
Vic: http://www.communitylaw.org.au/clc_women/cb_pages/about_us.php
Qld: www.wlsq.org.au/
Or just google the other states.
Thanks shelle - I'm in SA... actually I had been meaning to contact Women's Legal Services thanks for the reminder.
I'm getting pretty desperate, the school holidays start here on July 9th and I need to book him in today. Unfortunately, FOB is playing games and purposely not answering my text and I just tried to call him (he does this when things aren't 100% going his way) so I think I will sadly have no choice but to book DS into vacation care and after school care on Fridays and tell FOB that he can call us when he's ready to act like an adult because I'm simply not standing for it any more. I've been pushed to my limit.
Bubbalugs#2
21-06-2011, 14:20
Sorry to crash your thread, but what do you mean by FOB saying they will have his child just enough that he doesn't have to pay CS. Do they not have to pay regardless?!
Really your DS is better off not going there if the FOB is not bothering, makes it difficult for you.
The best bet is if FOB doesn't answer your calls then just book DS into holiday care.
To bad if FOB changes his mind last minute he'll just have to miss out on having your DS unless he follows through on the arranged plan, Its just unfair on your DS to not have the consistency.
Sorry to crash your thread, but what do you mean by FOB saying they will have his child just enough that he doesn't have to pay CS. Do they not have to pay regardless?!
I think if they have them X amount of days per year and he only earns an average income (actually, very similar income to me) he gets out of it scott free. I can understand no child support if we have shared access but seriously, I still pay for all of DS' bl00dy expenses lol.
Really your DS is better off not going there if the FOB is not bothering, makes it difficult for you.
The best bet is if FOB doesn't answer your calls then just book DS into holiday care.
To bad if FOB changes his mind last minute he'll just have to miss out on having your DS unless he follows through on the arranged plan, Its just unfair on your DS to not have the consistency.
I agree, it's completely unfair on DS. I can't even begin to imagine how the poor little fella feels when he's left late behind at school because dad hasn't picked him up on time or me telling him first thing in the morning that his dad isn't picking him up :( it breaks my heart. I hate having to do this, he loves his dad so much. I can't stand it :( If FOB says he wants to have him on weekends or whatever, I'm happy for DS to visit but no longer am I allowing it to affect mine and DP's work.
And to think - we were planning on a holiday while he was at his dad's house :laughing:
zombiekitty
21-06-2011, 14:47
Just stop contact. If he wants to see your son, he can take you to court!
august we haven't got a parenting plan, I tried mediation to draw one up but that's when he didn't show up *sigh*.
I agree with you - that was the final straw - he's not having him on school nights any more as it's just too much hassle. He simply cannot commit. I'll approach his partner about the possibility of an occasional weekend visit but I honestly won't hold my breath, I think FOB just sees him as 'work' as he was willing to go an entire month without seeing his own DS without even blinking an eye.
Your MOB sounds just like my FOB - every single visit he drops him off EARLY... I just don't understand it at all. I'd do anything to have my boy with me all the time, I miss him now and I'm just at work lol.
Wow, must tell my BFF she's not alone. She's just cut the father of her kids off and plans to extract every cent she can from CS and leftover matters from their divorce settlement. She's tired of her kids being hurt and let down and being stuffed around, she told him he'll have to pay for mediation or lawyers if he wants to see them. It's drastic but better than being treated like a servant (yes, he actually told her he expected her to care for the kids whenever he can't as that's what he was paying CS for!) and the kids have a wonderful step dad in her DP, so they're happy.
DaughteroftheForest
21-06-2011, 20:15
:hugs::hugs::hugs:
Hon, you know m thoughts on this. From what i know, you are well within your rights to cut all contact. There isn't an order in place so legally you can do whatever you like.
If you choose to do that, i would definitely have a word with his school and explain what's going on, that he has been violent in the past and tell them explicitly that you no longer give permission for FOB to pick DS up. As the custodial parent, they should do what you want.
:hugs::hugs::hugs: You know we're here for you if you ever need someone to look after DS for you or just need to debrief about the f**ck wit ex.
Seraph8 it's pretty common, my 50 year-old supervisor was telling me the other day that when she was in her 20s a friend of hers went through this - partner didn't spend time with her kids and her so she wondered why she was bothering, it was just like having an extra child to clean up after. So she left and he refused to see the kids purely so she couldn't date and have a life :rolleyes: It is so common it's unbelievable.
DOTF thanks so much for all of your advice and support :hugs: a few words from you and a few of my other wonderful friends we have is the reason I have finally put my foot down after being a pushover for 4 years. I have booked him into vacation care and am pretending FOB does not exist purely because I cannot rely on him. I am no longer going to be embarrassed and humiliated by him not turning up at school on time, I'm no longer putting up with demanding texts that I have to leave work early because they can't get their shiz together.
I don't think I'll even bother with child support if he decides to not have DS overnight at all, honestly, I found that just another added stress thinking about how many thousands of dollars I was owed and not knowing when or if I was to receive it.
For now, I am pretending that man doesn't exist and will let his partner know that I'm very sorry but due to not being able to contact him I've had to book DS into vacation care.
faroutbrusselsprout
22-06-2011, 09:56
Seraph8 it's pretty common, my 50 year-old supervisor was telling me the other day that when she was in her 20s a friend of hers went through this - partner didn't spend time with her kids and her so she wondered why she was bothering, it was just like having an extra child to clean up after. So she left and he refused to see the kids purely so she couldn't date and have a life :rolleyes: It is so common it's unbelievable.
DOTF thanks so much for all of your advice and support :hugs: a few words from you and a few of my other wonderful friends we have is the reason I have finally put my foot down after being a pushover for 4 years. I have booked him into vacation care and am pretending FOB does not exist purely because I cannot rely on him. I am no longer going to be embarrassed and humiliated by him not turning up at school on time, I'm no longer putting up with demanding texts that I have to leave work early because they can't get their shiz together.
I don't think I'll even bother with child support if he decides to not have DS overnight at all, honestly, I found that just another added stress thinking about how many thousands of dollars I was owed and not knowing when or if I was to receive it.
For now, I am pretending that man doesn't exist and will let his partner know that I'm very sorry but due to not being able to contact him I've had to book DS into vacation care.
Well done you! Good luck. Hopefully there isn't too much of a fuss by him. Stay strong!!
nuttamum
22-06-2011, 15:03
Hi, just read all the above posts! and ((hugs)) it sux!!!!
I have to deal with SKIDS BM and my DD1's BF and i get a similar thing about 50% of the time.
I am with everyoine else on here saying to stop all contact with him. If he wants DS then he can go to the court to get access. And that way something may be done, especially with having him help financially with school fees etc.
Good luck hun!
I know the feeling of wanting them to disappear FOREVER!!!!!
xxx
Benji id book B into after school care on fridays so you no longer have the drama.
text FOB tonight and copy his gf on the text, say you are handing in the booking form for vacation care and unless you hear from him within 2hrs you'll go ahead and book him in for the 2wks.
then inform him due to his constant trouble in making proper arrangements B will go to after school care on fridays. and if he would like to have him he can collect him between such n such a time and if he doesnt manage that he wont be having him that weekend.
FOB has always been uncooperative and unwilling to do anything for B. i agree that youre better off without him full stop!
LivinOnAPrayer
22-06-2011, 15:49
What a ****ty position to be in :(
Legally, because you have no parenting plans or orders, you can just say no to FOB having DS. If he can't be consistent for you son then he can go without. If he decides he desperatly wants to see DS, then mediation could be his only option.
That way, once he does go through mediation, parenting orders can be made up and stamped, and he'll have legal consequences for being a useless prick.
xox
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