Need some feedback

[mrsd72]

on a couple of situations we have
I have been married - divorced 10 years, 2 kids. DH never married - we've been married 5 years in Oct, 1 daughter. Youngest son from first marriage and daughter live with us - eldest son is 20 and living with dad.
Youngest son been playing up - usual teenage stuff - talking back, not doing chores, not doing homework, nothing major but still frustrating
He comes back from his dad's this afternoon and is all huffy because he has to go to school tomorrow (report writing day) because he hasn't handed all his work in. DH says well he's not going on holidays with his dad during school holidays - I say *you can't do that* - fight starts. Youngest son they announces *if it wasn't for my school friends, I'd move to dads*
1 - dad is now semi-retired after selling the busines he and I started at the start of the recession
2 - dad is only interested in things he wants to do, not the kids
3 - he's the *fun* parent
DH then says *don't care if you do to your dads - leave* I get narky - naturally
THings very stressful here - just need some re-assurance my stance is for the most part right
FWIW I was a child of divorced parents and I don't believe access should be a good behaviour thing

[smileygirl]

oh, tricky situation!

I guess there area few things we would do in this case (keeping in mind i have a 7 old from first marriage so am not up to teen years yet).

I agree - access is not based on good behaviour. However, punishment goes across houses here. eg DS in trouble for losing things and i had taken his DsI away and banned him from spending birthday money (ie you lose things, you don't get more things). So i told exH he was not to buy him any toys etc while he visited.

DH does not blurt out punishment (and nor do I). The above punishment was derived between DH and I without DS present and then we went and spoke to him. We have both learnt to hold our tongues and cool down before issuing punishment. It also means we can back each other 100% and not contradict or have to back down.

ex is the fun parent in this relationship too. It makes it very hard, i can imagine my heart breaking when he says that stuff to me in later years.

As for current situation, what work does he have to hand in? Is it all done now and just need delivering or does he have lots to do? I would go in and talk to him and find out the full story. Then help him make a plan on how to get it all done. Once he is all caught up and the emotions died down, then decide if a punishment required and implement it...but, it should not cancel a holiday.

[ourbradybunch]

In our house we the parents talk behind closed doors & decide our plan of action & then talk to kids together.

However kids do put you on the spot & sometimes as the parents we react without thinking.

I feel your pain, teenagers are hard work!!!