4 years on...

[mummajugs]

Well, it has been 4yrs and 2days since I terminated my first pregnancy.

I was pressured into it by my soon to be MIL and DF just went along with what ever she said... I basically didn't have a choice. I was too scared NOT to do it. I cannot regret terminating the pregnancy anymore than I do, I struggle A LOT with *my* decision(regardless of why it was done).

I am writing this because tonight is my daughters 3rd birthday. I fell pregnant again within 3 months of terminating. DF realised that the anniversary of the termination was close by and he mentioned it to me, he asked me when it was. I told him(31/5). He then proceeded to talk to me about it. It was the FIRST time he has ever initiated a converstation about it. Anyhow, he asked me how far along the bub was when we terminated(8+6), then asked me if it had a heart beat, I said yes... then out of no where he burst into tears. Automatically I broke down too. I didn't know what to do or say. Then all he said to me was "I can't believe I was such a d!ck, I will never forgive myself for allowing you to go through that, but what I really can't believe is that we gave something life and then took it away so suddenly because I listened to my f%#$ing mother"
I didn't know what to say... I just broke down even more because this is how I have been feeling the past 4 yrs. I have had to deal with this alone because he thought I was 'ok' about it... I can honestly say I think about it too often that it is probably unhealthy.

DF and I now have 2 gorgeous kiddies, our pigeon pair. But tonight DF said to me "we could have had a 3rd. :( he has NEVER said to me EVER that he wants a third child. He has always wanted 2(as have I). But to him to thought of it just sounded too good.

OK, now I don't even know why I am writing all of this. I guess I just needed to get it out. I just didn't know what to say to DF. I don't know if I should bring it up again with him or just leave it. I don't want him to dwell on it all like I have for the past 4 yrs and will continue to do so, probably for the rest of my life.


I am so sorry this is a touchy subject... *sigh*

[London]

:hugs: Couldnt read and not offer a hug.

[bumMum]

I'm so sorry

[Frangi]

Sorry that you have had to go through that...It must have been a bit of a relief for your DF to validate the way you have been feeling and that he has felt that way to.
I hope you can find some peace and try to move forward. Take care of yourself.

[Electric Rodeo]

:hugs::hugs:

[krystallxx]

Hugs xx so sorry u were forced into it. It's hard enough decision without added pressure.

[emzluvbub]

:hugs:

[veve]

oh hon .. I couldn't read without posting a reply .. and giving you a :hugs:

I'm glad that your DF initiated the conversation .. and I am glad that he has recognised that the position he put you in at the time was an extremely unfair one :hugs: I hope you CAN get to the point where you can have a deeper discussion about it - he of all people really does need to know how you feel ..

take care
Jen

[Etienne]

:hugs: I'm glad your dp acknowledged your pain x

[jadee22]

I am sorry that u have had to go through that. At least u don't have to live your life being alone with these feelings. There is so much comfort in companionship. It sounds like your DF feels as much regret for the events as u do.
I know it will never take it back or ease the pain however I try and console myself with the fact that IF I had of kept baby number one, my gorgeous ds1 n ds2 wouldn't be the people that they are. I could have missed out on the dimple chin that my ds1 has. I also wonder that if we hadn't gone through such a traumatic experience, would we have got married? Would my life b different?
I think that talking about these feelings n regrets helps us. It helps our relationships n helps our souls rest. It binds us.
Love n hugs

Sent from my HTC Desire using Bubhub

[mummajugs]

Thanks Ladies... so so so much! it means alot know that there are people out there that will listen. I am actually so proud of DF for all of this... I finally know I am not alone.

Jadee22- thats what I try to tell myself... I think in a way, it made us so much stronger in our relationship and to be honest, if we hadn't gone through it, who knows where we would be right now.
I am so greatful and thankful for the children I do have. But I will still always wonder and I think it is only natural to do so.

So much heart ache. I have been crying for the past few hours on and off. NEED TO STOP... Emotions and stress decrease my milk supply for DS.

thanks again ladies

[jadee22]

I think its natural to wonder too. We have had many conversations about how different life would be. I wonder if I lost my chance to have a little girl.
It's good to cry. Better than holding it all in. Thinking of u.

Sent from my HTC Desire using Bubhub

[labellavita]

Hopefully things may get easier now that the topic has been bought out into the open :hugs:xx