Resentment towards new baby?

[Widget]

Hi guys!

I know I shouldn't be in here as I'm definitely not a dad but my partner and I are a bit concerned...

We have 3 gorgeous kiddos. Dad bonded with DD1 at birth, bonded with DD2 at birth (not as much as DD1, but still smitten with his little girl), this time it's different.

I know he didn't want a son, but we had no control over gender.

We have been through a rough few months with our relationship but I don't know if it has anything to do with it...

He has said that he sees our son as a parasite and that he resents him. He also said he knows he's a newborn and relies on me and needs my attention/affection etc but all he sees is another male being put before him, taking my attention and affection away from him and he's struggling with it...

Is this normal??
Has anyone else experienced this?
Will he be able to move passed this and build a bond with his son?

He's very worried that his resentment toward our son will tear us apart...


Sent from my iPhone as usual lol

[kar]

Sorry, but to be frank that sounds extremely abnormal to me. I think he needs to talk to someone about his feelings.
Of course, not a dad here. hopefully some of the Bh pappaa can enlighten us.

[mummaof4]

what was his relationship with his dad like???

i agree that it isnt normal and i think he needs to seek help to talk it out.. i hope he gets the help he needs as he must feel terrible :(

[FearlessLeader]

i too am sorry for crashing, but just wanted to say that it doesn't sound horribly abnormal to me. Obviously not ideal, and must be very hard for all of you, but your DH is not a freak and i've heard of quite a few men feeling that way. Would your DH see a counsellor? It sounds to me like he's made a good first step by admitting his feelings, but you guys probably need someone else to help him sort them out (not least because you have a newborn to tend to!)

[SpecialPatrolGroup]

Sorry, not a dad either, but just wanted to say that there can sometimes be a great *competitiveness* between parents/children of the same sex that could be exacerbated by depression. I agree wiyh Kar, he needs to talk to someone.

[Widget]

what was his relationship with his dad like???

very, very, very traumatic


Sent from my iPhone as usual lol

[scarlett41]

Yeah I agree with what others have said. He needs to seek help in the same way you would if you got PND...dads can get that too.

I know my DH wanted a girl (deep deep down-we didn't care really on the outside) and when I confronted him about this many months later (following a battle with PND I came back to the moment a couple of hours after DS was born where he flippantly said "I wanted a girl"-at the time I felt sick) this is the reply he gave:

I was worried that if we had a boy it would mean I was responsible for showing him the way in life (you know man stuff I guess)...whereas if we had a girl you would have to do that and I knew you'd be better at that life stuff then I would be. Now that I know DS though it doesn't worry me anymore.

My DH has a few "issues" (ADD etc) and I think he was really worried about the chances of having a son "just like him"-which looks wise he is!!! I think I have managed to reassure him that 1/ I'm a teacher so I know the sorts of things to look for 2/ we know we have to keep an eye out for it 3/If he is just like you-you will know where he is coming from and be able to intervene appropriately 4/My genes mixed in there somewhere may be enough to water down your things!!

But DH certainly has never felt resentful or disconnected from DS though:no:. I would be urging him to seek help and I would be seeing someone too as you could read every interaction between father and son with this knowledge from the early days in the back of your mind. I know my psychologist encouraged my DH to come to my sessions as well.

Good Luck I hope you get some good advice from some BH dads!!:hugs:

[Widget]

I've been encouraging him to spend time with our son but as he only sleeps, poops and breastfeeds, it's hard, especially when the older sisters want their cuddles and kisses as well... I'm trying to get him to get closer though.

His mum suggested changing nappies but he's not feeling close enough for that even, has only changed 1 and that was because it was the first one after his circ and I insisted coz I was scared crapless of hurting his delicate bits...

Would really love to hear from some other dads on this...


Sent from my iPhone as usual lol

[Roofless]

So much for this being Dad's chat???? lol Anyways,
I can only comment from my experience but I had a really bad relationship with my Dad. He left when I was 5 and I biffed him when I was 21. He was very abusive and would regularly beat my Mum, younger sister and I. I was never too keen on having a Boy, only wanted girls. Didn't want a chance of raising someone like my dad. But when my Son was born I realized that I had had an opportunity to change what my Dad had done to me by being the best Dad I could be for my son. Have you spoken to him as to whether or not he thinks he can raise a Son??
Maybe he thinks he's worried he won't make a good dad?? I had doubts that I would be up to task as a Dad, Didn't have one so don't know how to replicate. Tell him that He needs to try especially if his father didnt, because sometimes the best Dads are the ones who never though they could be. If he want to have a chat about it, tell him to message me.

[swimyabuggers]

As the others have said, he should definitely go an see someone - maybe start with your GP? On the positive side, he realises that there is something wrong, now he 'just' needs to do something about it. As a bloke, I can see that this wouldn't be the easiest thing to do as we generally don't like to talk about our problems, especially not with random strangers.

I didn't have the easiest of childhoods. Basically, my stepdad was an abusive prick to both me and my mum. As a result I have nothing to do with my mum (rightly or wrongly I blame her for keeping me in the situation). One of my main concerns about being a dad was whether or not I'd reflect some of his behaviours as a parent. Fortunately, that hasn't happened and isn't likely to anytime soon!

I found a good way for me to bond with our son was for me to bath him and play with him after feeds and settle him after that, but we only have one rugrat for now, so this has been fairly easy for me to do.

It sounds as if you're both aware of the problems and are talking about them which is a fantastic start I guess the next step is to get some help. Is your local child and family health service (or whatever they're called where you are) any help?

Good luck!

SYB

[2plusbaby]

This is not abnormal at all. Most people don't see it or don't admit it.

After reading OP I asked my current partner his thoughts and reactions when Shelby was born, he admitted to the same feeling and quite strongly. He admitted being disinterested as Shelby grew older, till he took time out and sorted out why. He reasoned with himself then discussed it fully and openly with Shelby's mother. They were able to work through that bit by bit, he says mostly by taking time as a couple again (which we all know is very very hard). Even if it was something simple like playing a game of cards. Something facing each other, doesnt have to be intimate if you dont feel up to that to start with, just something together, regardless of what!!

Unfortunately my personal experience wasnt as pleasent, when Jakobi was born his father had this reaction to an extreme and became nasty and abusive, firstly to me then to Jakobi... I tried talking, reasoning etc but it just keep going... end of relationship. Only now that Jakobi is older is he taking any kind of interest... I think thats because he is no longer any threat... unfortunate but sometimes thats how it works.

I think the fact he has recognised the problem is a major plus, will be easier to work out!! Take the time NOW to work on it, later is not an option if you want a good outcome. I think it is a very normal problem, made to feel a little worst by the fact you have had relationship issues recently. Work at it, it sounds to me like he is a mature guy to admit these feelings to start with, good luck and I wish you all the best.

:hugs::hugs:

[bigbadbrad]

Hi Widget,

Admitting there is an issue is a huge first step.

He needs to find someone qualified to sort out his issues, because while it sounds like he has some good reasons for them, his new baby son knows nothing about it.

If he can sort them out DS will love him just as much if not more than he loves his Mum!

It can be hard for Dads to bond with their kids as well as mums but that is not going to happen until he wants to bond so sorting out his issues is the first step

All the very best
BBB

[Msee]

Ay roofless thanks man your right on the money i did have a $&@"ed up brining by the old man involving every type of abuse there is even sexual there is one thing iam sure of n that iwill be a beter dad to my son and a great father to all my girls i guess my resentment stems from my relationship with widget it has been bad my xmass presant n birthday presant to my 3 yr old bec was no more daddy told mi she was going n takimg the kids ty" s to the advice of reg hubers in girls stuff so iam glad you ladies can respect the boundries in a dad section

Ive spent the last three say mths working my *** of to save my family n not loose em ive been workimg on my n dp issues n now with this new bub the little amount of us time attention we were starting to half is gone i want to love my son but i love my partner the most she is my only love yet for me its bubs then 3 yr old then4 yr old her n then me mr cab mr fix boo boos mr not home again as iam umpiring " again" mr dad who gets no reconition for any aspect of our family is it just me or do i have major issues or simply jelious because he has a beter relationship with my love tgen i do ?

Women n female hubbers please dont respond unless actually trying to help no i dont need a shrink i had em all my life i need a "Males" opinion mainly hence in ghe dads bit i asked widge to post ere for mi as iam still learning ghis stuff any help would be good ty

[bigbadbrad]

OK Msee,

Not sure I got all of that so apologies in advance for any misunderstandings!

If I understand you correctly widget is your partner. If so she is obviously concerned but also keen for you to stick around or she would not be asking for advice!

If she threatened to leave that may just have been to get your attention and to highlight the issues and encourage you to address them. (I hope it was) It sounds like it worked! That is good! The first big step is to recognise that there is a problem.

I completely understand feeling swamped that happens to most parents who go from 2-3 kids, 0-1 kid etc etc.

Having said that it might be time to give up umpiring for a short period until you sort out these issues at home. I used to ref Rugby Union (started in 1987) but it would take me out of the house for 3-4 hours 1 or twice every weekend, so when our third came along I stopped for two seasons and then went back but told them I would only do games at certain venues to help out. Family first and they completely understood.

A number of people have suggested getting help. I apologise if this sounded like you need a shrink. That is not what I meant. However there are LOTS of ways to talk to someone without being head shrunk! Counsellors, support groups, other blokes who will listen WITHOUT judging!

It sounds like you had a rough trot growing up and that will certainly not help but that does not mean you will not be a good Dad and your son will be any less legendary than your daughters!

I have a friend who has a fear of male kids. This fear stems from the fact that he was a **** of a kid in his teens and is worried about a son turning out like him. The Ironic thing is while my mate WAS a **** of a teen, he is now one of the best people I know and would be damn lucky to have a kid like him. So please do not feel like you are the only one!

It sounds like both you & Widget are keen to work it out and I wish you all the best!

Regards
BBB