notperfect
27-05-2011, 07:00
Hi,
ive read through some of the other posts and replies on here and they were helpful and yet not.
i'll start from the begining:
i already have 3 beautiful kids 5, 2, and 19mths a girl and two boys all unplanned but all definately wanted and loved. my youngest 2 are very close in age (my youngest was born 12mths and one day after my now 2 yr old) my youngest also has a medical condition where his organs are a mirror image to ours (situs inversus with dextrocardia) and along with that he has immobile cillary dysknesia. it freaked the crap out of me at first because he was in and out of hospital for the first 5 mths the first 2 and a half mths was straight he came out a week before xmas 09.
long story short (sort of) when he was 6 mths old i found out i was pregnant again and i felt with the circumstances the way they were it wouldn't be fair on them or the child i was carrying to continue the pregnancy, i regretted it ever since (it also didnt help that the same day on the show packed to the rafters she had her baby. let me say here as i haven't as yet, i was in a domestic violence relationship that i had been trying to get out of for a year and a half, i was at my mum's at the time as i had finally gotten up the nerve (again) to get out but yet again i went back cause it seemed easier. halfway through last year i got the courage up again and got some community help - they gave me emergancy housing and i didnt tell him where i was (it was also a condition of my lease due to privacy of previous and future tenants) - then a few weeks ago i moved into my own dept housing house.
im jumping the gun abit here, so he could still see the kids i took them over to the house we used to share, he also had them on the odd occasion so i could go out with friends (though the condition was i had to stay there as he had to work the next morning) - doesnt sound like it was that bad i know but i have learnt that he can be nice and sweet and sucks me in everytime with it. well it happened again in about Feb when i was very drunk and i got back there had a moment of drunken weakness and gave in to him.... i have just found out (a week ago) that i am expecting i have worked out i am now approx 14wks and one day.
im scared and confused as i have been trying to get away from him (he knows im pregnant) he tells me he wants to move in here - i have absolutely no intention of letting that happen - non of my friends or family know, i feel ive pushed them away and i know they are going to be so disappointed in me - oh and to top it off my "perfect" sister is pregnant with her first (and it turns out due the day before me) mum's doing everything for her and im feeling extremely hurt because 1: she didnt do anything for my first (and her first grandchild) and 2: she didn't even see DD until she was 3 weeks old!
ive always been the big disappointment in my family - though my dad (stepdad - but always treated us as his own and still does) said when i told him i was due to have my 3rd so close to my 2nd - Darl whats another year out of your life? very true - but now i feel im being selfish - as i dont know i want another one but i do - i dont know im so confused - im scared - dont get me wrong i know i can do it on my own - which is alot easier than knowing you have a partner there but the are never actually there to help if that makes sense.
i like to think i dont care what others think or say about me but i'd be lying as i do care.
sorry if that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever i am so confused.
any advice any one has i would be extremely grateful :freakingout:
ive read through some of the other posts and replies on here and they were helpful and yet not.
i'll start from the begining:
i already have 3 beautiful kids 5, 2, and 19mths a girl and two boys all unplanned but all definately wanted and loved. my youngest 2 are very close in age (my youngest was born 12mths and one day after my now 2 yr old) my youngest also has a medical condition where his organs are a mirror image to ours (situs inversus with dextrocardia) and along with that he has immobile cillary dysknesia. it freaked the crap out of me at first because he was in and out of hospital for the first 5 mths the first 2 and a half mths was straight he came out a week before xmas 09.
long story short (sort of) when he was 6 mths old i found out i was pregnant again and i felt with the circumstances the way they were it wouldn't be fair on them or the child i was carrying to continue the pregnancy, i regretted it ever since (it also didnt help that the same day on the show packed to the rafters she had her baby. let me say here as i haven't as yet, i was in a domestic violence relationship that i had been trying to get out of for a year and a half, i was at my mum's at the time as i had finally gotten up the nerve (again) to get out but yet again i went back cause it seemed easier. halfway through last year i got the courage up again and got some community help - they gave me emergancy housing and i didnt tell him where i was (it was also a condition of my lease due to privacy of previous and future tenants) - then a few weeks ago i moved into my own dept housing house.
im jumping the gun abit here, so he could still see the kids i took them over to the house we used to share, he also had them on the odd occasion so i could go out with friends (though the condition was i had to stay there as he had to work the next morning) - doesnt sound like it was that bad i know but i have learnt that he can be nice and sweet and sucks me in everytime with it. well it happened again in about Feb when i was very drunk and i got back there had a moment of drunken weakness and gave in to him.... i have just found out (a week ago) that i am expecting i have worked out i am now approx 14wks and one day.
im scared and confused as i have been trying to get away from him (he knows im pregnant) he tells me he wants to move in here - i have absolutely no intention of letting that happen - non of my friends or family know, i feel ive pushed them away and i know they are going to be so disappointed in me - oh and to top it off my "perfect" sister is pregnant with her first (and it turns out due the day before me) mum's doing everything for her and im feeling extremely hurt because 1: she didnt do anything for my first (and her first grandchild) and 2: she didn't even see DD until she was 3 weeks old!
ive always been the big disappointment in my family - though my dad (stepdad - but always treated us as his own and still does) said when i told him i was due to have my 3rd so close to my 2nd - Darl whats another year out of your life? very true - but now i feel im being selfish - as i dont know i want another one but i do - i dont know im so confused - im scared - dont get me wrong i know i can do it on my own - which is alot easier than knowing you have a partner there but the are never actually there to help if that makes sense.
i like to think i dont care what others think or say about me but i'd be lying as i do care.
sorry if that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever i am so confused.
any advice any one has i would be extremely grateful :freakingout: