Fears

[caitlin]

Hi my name is Linda and I am a 42 year old mother of an only child Caitlin who is nearly 5. I am hoping to speak to any other parents of onlies to discuss our fears, hopes for the future, pitfalls. I am having a great deal of trouble coming to terms with being the parent of an only child and I fear for Caitlin as she steps out into the world without siblings.

Please help.

Linda

[SimplyMum]

Hi Linda,

I have many fears for my son, one of which is what is he missing out on by being an only child. But I also fear what he's missing out on by only having one parent. I think the hardest part to being a parent is coming to terms with the fact we can only do so much and the rest we have to leave it up to our kids. Relinquishing the hold, so to speak. We try our very best to provide the best of all situations for our children but some things we just have no control over, and if our kids don't understand this than they will grow up never being happy with what they have. They must look for the good in all situations and make the most of the situation presented. As parents, I think we need to show them how to do this.
Ok, getting back on track. Look at the good at having an only child. Sitting down with them to do homework, providing the very best for just one child- best education, best opportunities. We can't give them everything.

Now, that the positive outlook is taken care of. I hate being the single parent to any only child. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and I can honestly say, I had so much fun with them. What fun is a family outing to the easter show or to Luna park when all you have is your old boring Mum! No-one to go on the stomac clenching roller coasters with. Or no-one to wake up with on Christmas morning and take a sneak peak at all those presents Santa left. What fun is opening presents when only 1 person is watching you!

I'm with you Caitlin, I hate the fact that my very gorgeous boy has to grow up with no siblings to muck around and get into all sorts of trouble with.

[Squiggles]

Hi Linda,

I just thought that I would post... I dont have any children as yet (soon though) but I am an only child. I wanted to assure you that the only people that I have ever encountered who have issues with only children are those who have siblings.

AS an only child I was ne4ver aware of what it would be like to have a brother or sister. I knew it was unusual at a young age but I never felt as though I missed out on anything. My parents made sure that I had lots of contact with my cousins and always was abe to have friends over at our house... I was always asked if I wanted to take a friend on family holidays etc. Mum and Dad chose to send me to a co - educational school so that I would have contact with boys and girls and build good social skills. I had the love and support of my family and always had oppotuninites to see how those who had brothers and sisters lived but never thought that I missed out on anything.

I dont think that being an only child has hindered me in any way and the older I get the less of an issue it becomes. I will never know what is it like to have a sibling but it doesn't ever come to mind. As I said the only people who find it odd or feel sorry for me are those that had siblings - they feel like I have missed out... but again they also will never know what it is like to be an only child and I thought it was great!

Hope this is useful.

[Mum2Bug]

Hi Linda

As a single parent to one, I am well aware that Bug may now grow up as an only child. So I make sure she has a healthy social life with other children instead so that she doesn't feel as if she is missing out.

Coming from a family of 6 kids, I can honestly say that I think I now prefer her to be an only child. I was constantly fighting in my house to take my place within the family and found that my wants and needs were often overlooked in favour of one of my siblings. Not a good thing.

Atleast now that Bug will be an only child I can afford to give her the things I never had growing up. A private school education, sports clubs, maybe even dance or music lessons etc. These are are a few things that I couldn't afford to give her if I had another child. And I want the best for my little girl, without spoiling her with expensive things that she doesn't actually need.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just give her a chance to have friends over and socialising opportunities and take each day as it comes. The future is not worth stressing over. She will grow up a happy, loving child with a special bond with her mummy.

[ThomasMum]

Hi my name is Linda and I am a 42 year old mother of an only child Caitlin who is nearly 5. I am hoping to speak to any other parents of onlies to discuss our fears, hopes for the future, pitfalls. I am having a great deal of trouble coming to terms with being the parent of an only child and I fear for Caitlin as she steps out into the world without siblings.

Please help.

Linda


Hi Linda, nice to meet you :)

We too also have one and only child (a wonderful boy he is), and loving it! No fears here except all the happiness because of small family, our house is always neat and tidy, easy to travel, and siblings wise Thomas has lots of friends and cousins whom we visit on weekly basis and Thomas goes to childcare 2 days a week and he loves it...

I will talk about more when I have the time, but just to let you know that you are not alone and you should put the negative feelings away knowing that your child will be alright even without siblings, first we have to be a happy parents to be able to produce a happy and confidant child, does that make sense?

Peace

Thomas'sMum xx

[melbourneprincess]

We are the parents of an only child also, and I have to admit that sometimes those same fears you have creep in.

Reading all these responses has been great.

I think the key is to make the most of the situation you have, and try not to worry too much about anything else.

[suzannec]

I have the exact same fears for my daughter. But i find that it is usually other people who make the comments.
I look back on my life, (I have a younger sister and older brother) , and i can say that for the vast majority of my childhood and teenager time i wished that i didnt have a younger sister. We did nothing but fight, and my brother and i still dont get on very well.
I love my sister to death and we get on great now, but it has taken a long time.
I dont think its a very good idea to have another child just to give someone company.
I know for sure that i personally couldnt handle another child mentally. I just want to be the best mother i can to my daughter, and if that means she needs to be an only, then that is what she will be. Better a happy child and mother, than 2 unhappy children and a basketcase for a mother.

[bobby]

Hi all, We are also parents of an only child. I think that the guilt mainly comes from other peoples comments.
My son is 17 and finishing grad 12 this week. He is a very loving and polite boy who has great social skills. I'd dont actually think I put much thought into it however he has always been into sport, tennis volleyball tai Kwon do golf and with each brings a different circle of freinds. He has 15 cousins which get together formally about 5 times a year.
I feel the best thing we have provided him is a good education at a great co-ed private school and letting him have independence. If you can find a light hearted way to get information and create open communication your doing well. (oh and he is starting to cook too:D )
My baby is now driving a car!!!!yikes thats a test for any mum I tell you.
I have a brother 3 years older than me and I didnt spend much time with him while growing up, very different people and my parents didnt put us in the same activities to share a common interest.
Dont stress girls, have some fun together and your georgous child wont know the difference.

[debz]

Hi, I was an only child and hated it. I swore I would have more than one. But things are not always in your control.

I developed a type of breast cancer called DCIS, which is stimulated by oestrogen production. It is more common than I ever realised. I am 37 and the oncologist feels that having my baby later in life and extended breast feeding may have contributed to the growth (due to oestrogen increase).

So, I had the mascetomy and don't need chemo, but do need oestrogen blocking tablets for 5 years.

So, no more kids for me. It is not worth risking my husband being left to raise our daughter on his own.

I am determined that my daughter will not feel lonely or isolated. We are much more involved parents than my parents where. We get down on the floor and play with dolls and in the sandpit.

The days I work Katie is in Family Day care with 4 other kids. The smaller group is much more like a family than normal daycare and the daycare mum is terrific. The kids ages are mixed also, which is more like a family.

we do lots of other activities where Katie can mix with other kids too, eg toddler time at the library, playgroup and we are starting swim lessons in summer.

Also, my husband has an extended family and we try to do a lot of stuff with them so that she can play with cousins etc

I think an only child is fine, but it just takes a little work.

[SixtiesChild]

My little girl was almost six when we had our second child. For a while there, it seemed that she would be an only child. I am very familiar with those fears, but you know what? Now my fear is : what happens if one dies and the other is left all alone? So if it's not one fear it's another. I've come to the conclusion that these fears are not all that bad, It means that you love your child and that is a great motivation for getting your child ready for the world. I know lots of only children and all of them are very fortunate and they have a great social life and their diaries are full of places to go & people to see. I can see that they are much loved and that's what matters the most.:thumbsup:

[Leeny]

I think my main fear of having an only child is something im sure comes to all our minds. If something was to happen to dh and myself, what next? Sure dd will have other relatives im sure, but no one close. I just feel guilty knowing she might be alone.

My other issue, is who to choose to be her guardian. I have very very mixed feelings about it, and its a descision that has to be made in the not to distant future, incase the worst happened.

Other then that, I try to keep dd in some social activites so she can play with other kids. But shes by no means lonely. She has 7 adults living with her that she chats to all day. She doesnt know anything else, so why should it affect her right now?

I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens in a few years time.

[Jess13]

Hi there,
I thought I would add something to this thread as I really feel for parents who are stressed about their kids.
I am an only child, my Mum had me when she was 21, and single, she left my dad as he was a nutter and was better off without him. I had a lot of adults around me my whole life, my mums social network. Also, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, and I am still very close with them. I had four cousins and spent quite a bit of time with them also.
My Mum took me overseas through central America when i was 6 for 4 months. She did a law degree at night while working full-time as a journalist on the SMH. She remarried when I was 8. She is now a partner in a law firm.
My life was great as far as i'm concerned and it's made me the person that I am. I recall times of boredom through my childhood but a lot of my friends say they recall constant bickering! I learnt to be independent, I was not spoilt by mum (I don't think anyway!) She is a very strong woman, and a good mum.
People would ask me what it was like to be an only child and I would say - I don't know any different. I think as long as you are loved you will grow up to be well-adjusted and be happy with life.
It's funny, becuase my mum always said i should spend more time with my only female cousin because i didn't have any siblings but we never got along very well - like chalk and cheese.
When Mum looks back she always says - I'm proud of you - I wish I had 10 of you!
My best friend and I have been friends since we were 8 - 20 years! And we are like sisters.
I can't imagine my life any differently, and it doesn't bother me that i don't have any siblings.
I have two children now and my only hope for them is that they get along when they are older and look out for each other. At the moment, being 3 1/2 and nearly 2, they fight all the time!!!
On the same note, my hubby and his brother don't get along all that well, also like chalk and cheese, and i know how much that hurts my mother in law, who is lovely. They try, but they are so different.
It doesn't seem to be the quantity of your family, but the quality. Mum and I did fine on our own for 8 years and also fine for the next 20 with my step father.
I hope this doesn't sound too me-me-me, but I wanted to share my family dynamics with you to give you an example of an only child that came out ok - in my opinion anyway!

[Petlover]

What a great read these replies have been. Such thoughtful and positive comments. Hopefully everyones input have been good for your Linda? I am in the same situation as you but plan that if I am positive about my daughter will be too. Lots of friends and play dates when possible. I have two friends of my age who were only children and they are confident, happy with loads of mates. Its not as bigger deal as we get guilted into thinking it is!

[LivinOnAPrayer]

I've just read through this thread and i can say that I share EVERY fear mentioned.

I dont want another child, im very happy with things the way they are, but DH wants one more. I keep putting it off..
We made a will when DD was born to say who would look after her if she died. We also make a point of her having play dates and visiting cousins. I dont think she will be dissadvantaged by being an only child.
I feel that I couldnt be a good mum to two little ones, as DD has health problems and needs my full attention. And i just dotn want to go through it all again!!

[Teley]

I'm going to stand out here.
I was an only child, and I hated it.
BUT I think there is a difference between the difference of Caitlin and mine situations. You see, I was a PLANNED only child, whereas if you can't have any more, that's a difference story.
It is true, it's worse being an only child. You always know you're an only child, kids ask you at school, they even envy you because you don't have to share rooms etc., and you envy them, because you want a brother or sister to be there. Sometimes you need someone closer to you in age other than your parents to rely on, that's family.
Growing up, it's worse -- I'm not saying we end up being social pariahs or something, but the road is definately harder for the most part of us. ANd hwat happens if you die? That wouldn't be such a good thing.....
That's my thoughts...I don't think planning to have just one child is any good at all:no:....I don't think the family ends up complete if it's planned that way....sometimes it's not about giving everything to the child, but in what they have to achieve themselves. And when they grow up, there is always that sibling support if somethign happens.....