Do you think you have dealt with the emotions of going through IVF?

[nicole83]

Just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat...we were lucky enough to get our DD after our 1st cycle in 2009 but I still feel so emotionally raw from going through IVF. I tell my DH it is our journey and other people will have other hurdles in life etc etc and try to be so positive but I find myself bursting into tears when I am alone and think back to all needles, drugs, procedures that I went through...and I am one of the lucky ones having only gone through it once...I think after having a baby you have less control over your emotions than before...I cry at everything...huggies tv ad anyone?!!

I don't know...maybe I need councilling to get through this. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to fight for my babies. It still upsets me at how close we were to NOT getting a family. It upsets me to think we may not be so lucky again...
I'm scared of going through IVF a second time because I know what to expect this time around. I am scared to think that we couldn't possibly be lucky and get our DD first go, and another one first go. How many people do you hear of that lucky? no one...I am so scared we will fail. I am scared of trying to coordinate work, a toddler and IVF...let alone travel in two completely different directions - one way to go get IVF and another direction to get to work. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes...

[jfblady72]

yep i get it.....i am where u at (except it took me 8 attempts to get DS)..now in the first cycle after i had DS....i can tell u im damaged goods after 2 years of ivf :rolleyes:. many emotions have come back up but TBH they arent as strong yet (ie envy, dissapointment, anger etc) ....i have been to cousnelling and well i went back again the other week.....my dh is not really into ttc 2 cos "ivf was so awful" for him, it gets my goat cos he would have no problem if we could acheive a natural pg (its me with fertility problem) like most ppl. i wont lie, i have found it quite hard to juggle work, appts and ivf now, the drugs make me cranky but i cant just go ballistic like i used to, im tired with getting up to DS at night but still have to get up at 5.30am to make it to scans etc...ive had to cancel work appts, been late to work, had my DS screaming while i was getting a dildo cam yesterday (fun)..it was a 2.5 hour trip from home, scan, drop off baby and work. top it off ive had a dud response to the drugs and facing a maybe quick failure of acheiving my 2 kid dream. on the one hand i feel frustrated by all this, all this EFFORT (especially when my work mate who is only 6 months younger than tells me she is 12wk pg with her #2 yesterday) but on the other hand im handling the ivf situation better now....i dont have all day now to dwell on what i dont or may not have (but i do still worry now and then that this isnt going to work, thoughts about NOT deserving a 2nd baby and that i SHOULD just be happy with one ..i mean how DARE i ask for 2 miracles :eek: who do i think i am??? after all i was soooooo close to being childless ) i would have been in tears every day in the past from what is happening now with this round of ivf, but im not. i think in some ways when u get a bfp first go it is probably harder to go back cos u dont know any different and failure seems so awful .....i know what multiple ivf failure feels like and i know i can hack it (but cant afford $$$ to).... ...but trust me if u want it u will keep going, u will be amazed at how much u can tolerate for a much wanted baby :yes: (if the bank balance holds up :rolleyes:..

i should add...i honestly believe that u can get a sorta post traumatic response from doing ivf..i mean its HARD, there is no control and you are always fearful and anxious...when faced with doing it again these feelings come back up.... i did found cousnelling very useful.

[1bella]

I feel this way too ... we are about to have twins in the next month and looking back actually seems more painful than actually living the daily IVF grind where you just have to do what you have to do as a means to an end to get your dream bubba.

I wonder how I did it and why I put up with a crappy FS for the first 3 cycles that caused me much of the pain..... I too am damaged IVF goods!!!

I feel like every part of my being has been touched, looked at and scrutinised and for that I have paid a fortune emotionaly, financially and physically. I know it's part of the process but mixed with repeated failure it's a heady drink to swallow.

I feel guilty for feeling this as we have had the financial resources and the success of these much wanted bubbas for which I wouldn't change a thing but feel sad that we have had such trauma in the process - ahhh the tears along the way!!!

I try to stop these thoughts by counting my blessings and the learning about myself and my partner along the way. These lessons, blessings and emotions would never have risen so intensley if I hadn't walked this journey. It makes me realise how strong, focused and empathetic to others I have become - this just scratches the surface. I fully understand infertility now and to never prejudge where others are in thier life journey or even ask the question!! I try to enjoy everyone for who they are now and not try and put them in some kind of box. For this I thank IVF!!!

It's a rough emotional gig this IVF stuff!!!

[butterfli]

Hi Nicole83 :wave:, I felt exactly how you did. I was blessed with my DS on the first go and just hated the whole process of IVF. I hated the vaginal ultrasounds the most!!

My main fear about it was that I had OHSS the first time so I was really scared about going through that again. How can I be bed ridden for a week with a toddler...

I too thought how am I going to juggle IVF a second time with a toddler and work and just get really upset about it all. But the want for another child helped me put my fears on the back burner. I wanted to be a mother to another georgeous child like DS.

You said that you don't know anyone that has been lucky first got twice with IVF. I was, and I was absolutely gobsmacked :yes:.

Funny though I was dreading going through it all for months (trying for a 2nd) but it really wasn't so bad this time round and my main thing was I could have a Fresh transfer as I recovered from EPU well this time. Last time I was bedridden for a week with OHSS and had to have a freeze all and then wait for an FET. There didn't seem to be that many scans / bt's and I worked everything around my DS's up time.

What also put me off is why is it so easy for normal people to get pregnant and for me and DH to have to go down this road. Your right I guess they have other battles in life. If anything it makes the bond stronger between DH & I that we're sticking together to make our family.

I honestly hope your 2nd attempt at IVF is as positive as mine and your get your precious next child. This time round I did accupuncture regularly so I think that would have helped too. As last time I only had one blasty (DS) and this time I had 6.

Best of luck :goodvibes::goodvibes::goodvibes:

[nikki08]

Nicole83 - I think sometimes the memories can be harder than the actual journey because we can condense all those emotions into one thought as opposed to having to deal with it as it comes. I look back on my IVF journey and the stresses of my pregnancy and post pregnancy complications and wonder how on earth I managed it, but at the time I just did and I while I won't say any of it was easy if I try hard enough I can think of happy moments during the whole process too that can sometimes be buried with the negative stuff. If you do find yourself getting really down though and finding it all too overwhelming then counselling probably is a good option, it may help you to process the emotions so you can clearly decide what you want to do. IVF isn't easy or easy to separate from everyday life when it can feel so consuming but like my counsellor tried to tell me (to varying degrees of success at the time!) it shouldn't define who you are or how you feel about life.

Good luck and congratulations on being an IVF graduate with your DD :)

[nicole83]

wow thank you ladies. It really helps to know that there are other people that feel the same way. Cos our infertility is MF my DH has wanted to keep ours a private journey. And in some ways I am happy with that, and other ways I just want to tell everyone that I survived IVF. I hate to sound dramatic but it feels like we have been through cancer and survived. I say this because there was a chance we might not have made it. Infertility could have killed us, I don't know a life without children having been brought up with 3 siblings family is everything...

Thank you for the advice and positivity ladies....:hugs:

[nicole83]

(but i do still worry now and then that this isnt going to work, thoughts about NOT deserving a 2nd baby and that i SHOULD just be happy with one ..i mean how DARE i ask for 2 miracles :eek: who do i think i am??? after all i was soooooo close to being childless )

Feels like you have read my mind...I totally totally get this.

[nicole83]

You said that you don't know anyone that has been lucky first got twice with IVF. I was, and I was absolutely gobsmacked :yes:.



Thank you - I loved reading this. I really hope we are as lucky as you!

[nicole83]

Slightly off the subject but since you ladies know how I am feeling and have/going through round 2 of IVF, can I ask your advice on work? I am still on mat leave and meeting with my manager next week to discuss my return to work options. I work for local govt so am expecting some flexibility but I really don't know what is going to be the best situation for my family taking into account:

1. work and IVF clinic are in two different direction approx 1hr apart.
2. obviously wanted to get straight into IVF when I return in June.
3. My DD will be 12 months old.
4. More work = more money for IVF but don't want to bite off more than I can chew in regards to balancing all of this.

I am entitled to my fulltime job back but also able to take parttime work. I can also work from home some days or do part days at the office and from home. Working for govt is alot less 'full on' than private sector....I get my work done really quickly as I have worked for both private and govt before and to tell you the truth I think I might be able to get most of my work done in the office so if I take the option where I work from home some days/part days then I really think that time will be mostly checking emails just incase rather than actual work IYKWIM?

Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.