Caesarean disappointment

[RedPanda]

I am meeting with a friend this week, and she is very down about her caesarean. I think she is really disappointed that she didn't experience labour, and she's struggling to come to terms with it:crying: . It is likely that this baby will be her last (it is her first bub), so she is unlikely to have a VBAC. Does anyone have any ideas on comforting things I can say? I don't just want to do the standard "At least you have a healthy baby" response, because I presume she gets that all the time. I was hoping someone could help me gain greater understanding of the disappointment she is feeling, and tell me how they learned to come to terms with things. Thanks everyone! Sorry about the length of the post!

[MamaSage]

As someone who is very disapointed in the fact that they had surgery instead of birth, there is little you can say. Listen to her, let her cry if she needs to. You are right on the 'healthy baby' thing, when people say that to me I feel like kicking them in the shins! :laughing: Tell her to get in touch with Birthrites if she want to, and there is a LOT of literature for women in her situation. At the end of the day, yes she has a healthy baby and is alive and well. But emotionally damaged, hurt and confused too. Her feelings are justified and warranted. Just comfort her. :kiss:

[SassyMummy]

I'm in the same boat as your friend - I am completely bitter about my birthing experience, and can't seem to get over it (and DD is nearly 14 months old!).

The one thing that I REALLY hate is the "At least you had a healthy baby" line...so you're right in avoiding saying that. When people say that to me, it makes me feel like they think I have no right to feel upset or disappointed, that I'm just a selfish whinger. It also makes me feel not understood...at all.

One thing I really appreciate, is when someone just listens to my anger. I occasionally have outbursts of rage and frustration and upset...and I just want someone to sit there, and listen, and occassionally agree, but not the point where they're doing the "I know how you feel" thing. Don't tell her the negatives of a vaginal birth, and the positives of a c-section, because it just doesn't help (well, doesn't help me anyway). I can see far more positives with a VB than I can with a c-section...but that's a personal thing.

I too haven't experienced labour, and it's something I really hate. I can't talk about pain, because the only pain I experiences was AFTER my c-section (and all the needle-jabbing they do before you have your c-sec).

I agree with what Carlia has said...get her to take a look at birthrites. They have healing groups around hte place (that i am yet to attend).

[SilverStarfish]

The one thing that I REALLY hate is the "At least you had a healthy baby" line...so you're right in avoiding saying that. When people say that to me, it makes me feel like they think I have no right to feel upset or disappointed, that I'm just a selfish whinger. It also makes me feel not understood...at all.

One thing I really appreciate, is when someone just listens to my anger. I occasionally have outbursts of rage and frustration and upset...and I just want someone to sit there, and listen, and occassionally agree, but not the point where they're doing the "I know how you feel" thing.

I've read many people's dislike of the "healthy baby" argument, but this is the first time I've ever seen anyone talk about what they actually want to hear. Thanks, Sassy, because that's something I've always wondered about.

I had a c-section with DD and it was a 100% positive, wonderful experience for me. I have absolutely no regret, sadness or even curiosity to know what vaginal birth is like, so the first thing I've always thought (in my head) is "well, at least their baby is healthy and alive, what more do they want?" though I'd never, ever ever actually say that to someone.

[tickle]

Everyone who has had a negative birth experience (whether vaginal or by caesarean) is immensely greatful that their baby is healthy. But talking about the emotional difficulties surrounding the experience is completely aside from the fact that the baby is healthy. Does that make sense?
Just being there and listening is very important and definately encouraging and supporting them to get in touch with organisations who may be able to help. Even joining a forum such as this one can be a huge help, just to know that you're not the only one. It's really nice that you are such a lovely friend, if only there were more people like you out there.:hugs:

[Goosie22]

I totally agree with SassyMummy, dont try to put your reasoning onto her. Try to validate her feelings by listening to what she has to say and just being with her.

Imagine the loss of something that means so much to you, but at the same time as dealing with that great sadness you are also so happy to have a baby. Its very confusing and stays with you for a very long time.

[MummyCharmzy]

I know how your friend is feeling also, having had 3 csects and wanted a natural birth each time. 3rd time I begged for them to let me but the odds were all against me for a VBA2C

As everyones already said just listen to your friend and if anything let her know she isnt alone in her feelings and that if she needs other people to talk to about it.. heres a great place!

[Lila]

hazel
please DO NOt say. at least you have a healthy baby!!!
she knows that, but it still is very painful, raw and just horrible (for her)

sit back- listen- ask and DO NOT say everything will be all right.... i won´t for some time.....

HUGS

you will be a PERFECT friend- see you are already asking here for advice- what a wonderful friend are YOU????!!!

[Briannabear]

I agree with the other girls. Just be there for her - let her talk and vent and have a cry. Tell her that it sucks. Give her a big hug. :hugs:

Well meaning comments like the healthy baby thing dont help at all. In fact they make you feel worse, and more guilty.

Im sure she'll appreciate having someone who's willing to let her talk about it (and as someone else said) validate her feelings. :yes:

[RedPanda]

Thanks everyone - all very good advice! I checked out the birthrites website, it's a great resource. I'll give her the details when I see her!
Thanks again for sharing your experiences and letting me pick your brains!

[Little_Toad]

How about the great postives of a ceasarian...

No torn bits down there and no incontinence!!

[becca74]

How about the great postives of a ceasarian...

No torn bits down there and no incontinence!!

I'm sorry, but comments like this only add to the guilt and anger surrounding what she is going through....:no:

and heck, for the record, I had incontinence after my 2nd c/section, and absolutely none after my HBA2C....go figure.....and I can tell you now, with my husband as my witness (sorry if tmi) I am totally back to normal down there, and even a bit tight (cant believe something so large came out of something that is now so small again - but that is the miracle of being a woman afterall - we are designed to give birth and spring back), so these things you mention are merely myths, and not going to be emotionally helpful to this lady who is grieving over not giving birth.

[indigoin0z]

the only thing that has helped me is time....:confused:

my boys are nearly 3 & 4 & its only about the last year? ive settled down a little from the pain...
trying to look at the positives to get me out of it...

just tell her you are one person she can ALWAYS count on if she needs to vent..... it feels really good, if someone can 'hear'...

good on you for caring..:kiss:
good luck

[RedPanda]

Thanks again ladies for sharing your stories! I can only imagine the disappointment people must feel when they had hoped to have a VB. I know that I felt completely out of control with my labour. I had intervention, and I don't remember that fondly at all, but I did end up with a VB (was only hours away from a C/S). I look forward to my next labour so that I can be in more control, and be more informed than before. VBACs must be very empowering and healing for those who have been disappointed by a surgical birth.
:hugs: to all of you!

[MamaSage]

How about the great postives of a ceasarian...

No torn bits down there and no incontinence!!

No offence, but this would have to be right up there on the "what not to say" list. Personally, I would have preferred a normal birth and a ripped vagina than surgery and a massive gaping wound on my belly.

[Goosie22]

I have to agree with Carlia, it is probably more insensitive that the "healthy baby line" and not likely to be met with much warmth from a women who is grieving the loss of her normal birth and mothering experience.

[Missus S]

I'll just offer a bit of advice from my own experience here.

I never thought I would end up having a caeserean and I thought there would be no way in hell I wouldn't be breastfeeding my baby..................but after 4 hours of pushing (doing all that hard work!) I ended up an emergency C-section and had DD on the bottle after only a month.

I try not to get too hung up on how things worked out by reminding myself that her birth and the early days are just going to be a very small part of her life. There are some things in the past that you just can't change & there is no point dwelling on them, life is too short so we should appreciate what we do have :)

[kadownie]

I went to a great seminar the other day called "Moving on from a Challenging Birth'- it was such a great day and really dealth with the 'healthy baby' comment. It was put on by a group in Brisbane called 'Birthtalk'- their website is http://www.birthtalk.org/

It would be worth having a look at their website as they have some info on there from healing from a traumatic birth.

As the others have said- stay away from the 'healthy baby' comments etc- and allow your friend to be open about how she is feeling- her feelings are valid and she is experiencing great loss- I went through it with the birth of my twins- they are 2 now and I feel like I've come to terms with it- especially after the seminar the other weekend- though I still have moments of sadness- especially on their birthday.

she'll love you for being such a great friend!