Final Straw ?. . .rant of a single mum

[KaM]

Yep . .that's right . .It's like the straw that broke the camels back . .seriously . .I am so annoyed right now . .and more so peeved off . . and I wanted to ring him and tell him but honestly I don't think I have the guts for a big confrontation . .I know I have to but . .I know how it's going to end. .me in tears . .as always ..

Okay . .all this has to do with my little girl .. She is 6 months old at the end of this month and her dad has done nothing. . and I mean nothing .. not one cent and not one gift . .zip . .zero . .nada .. now okay . .I could probably handle that . . .I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he was getting settled and I figured having a little bit of a hard time with money .. but I can only let so much slide . .when I keep reading posts and hearing about concerts. . movies. . drinking . .smoking . .and then to top it all off . .he buys a friend minutes for her cell phone .. now I'm not doing that jealousy bull because frankly. . I couldnt give two sh*ts on that front. .I am peeved because he can buy someone minutes but can't send a thing for his daughter. .not one cent .. not one single measly gift .. I wouldn't care if it was from a 99c store. . its the principal . .I mean . .responsibility .. I know its a big word. . and I know it probably sucks being on the other side of the world . .but all I keep thinking is .. what .. Matilda isn't worth the trouble of providing .. I mean . .FFS .. I've let it go for 6 months . .I've bitten my tongue .. The child support people have been doing their thing but being in another country it takes time . .and holy **** they aren't asking much . because they don't have details on income they have asked for the bare minimum . .a whole. .wait for it. .$26 a month .wow . .break that bank hey .. and I can't even get that . .and I know there is even less chance now that he isnt working .. it's just been building up . .honestly. .does it take much to send some money over? . .I don't need it. . but that isnt the point . .my little girl has 2 parents .. . makes me feel like she isn't worth the effort from him . .he keeps saying he is going to send money but as yet its been nothing what so ever . .I mean . .how about a phone call every now and then ? . .that isn't much to ask . . I wouldn't care if it was for 5 mins .. its the effort. .I can't be the one to keep doing it . .Matilda deserves the best. .and right now being small she can't understand .. but I worry about the future. .when she starts realising things. .I don't want her to be disappointed ..I want the best for her. .and I am starting to do some real hard thinking about what that means .. ugh .. I am so angry and upset and disappointed..

.:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

I just wish I had the guts to confront him . .but the same thing always happens. . me in tears. . he always manages to make me the guilty one . .that I am always to blame ..and I don't want to end up in tears yet again ..

I had to rant somewhere .. if you made it all the way a big cheers. .I just hope that by posting here I can realise Im not alone in this sort of thing . .its so frustrating!

[cobysmummy]

i dont have any advice... but i wanted to give u a great big hug :hugs: :hugs:

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

where is he?? are you sure he not working?? sounds if he cna do all those things that he is getting income some how?? and you right he should be responsible enough to realise Matilda comes before minutes for a friends phone..like you said evne a call or a little pressie in the post would be nice...sounds liek he doesnt deserve to have her as a daughter :(

[leejackshands]

oh sweetie {{{hugzz}}} to you:hugs: , men can be such ********, but i know how you feel my ex is exactly the same, escept i do get mantenance from him only because they take it straight out of his centrelink payments before it goes into his bank, & yep i agree the $26 a month is b/s, mine pays for 2 kids and its still the same amount if its only 1 child, he also doesnt send anything for his kids either, he's to interested in spending his money on drugs, i dont know if yours ever gave you the same old b/s "i'll always be around for the kids, their part of me,:ecomcity: :ecomcity: " sorry for rambling, but i just wanted to let you know that there is someone out here that knows how you feel, if you ever want somone to b*tch to i'm more then happy to chat my msn is lsjpietz@hotmail.com once again {{{hugzzzz}}}:hugs:

[KaM]

I did ring him and yep . .you guessed it . .i didn't do it. .we just had a talk about **** basically .. the thoughts were all runing around my head about what i needed to say but I didnt . .Im a big chicken . .and it frustrates me sooooo bad . .

He is in Texas USA .. and he was working until about the 5th sept when he got fired for lying .. there was a big shock!!

He did give me his new house address with the new girlfriend and I have his mobile number so I rang CSA today to give them that info and lets hope they can do something with it .

[Chanelc]

You poor thing... sounds like you made the right move contacting CSA

Maybe you should write down what you want to say like a script - just remember he will interrupt and disagree - if he does say "excuse me I am talking" and if he blames you - just say "I am not here to argue I just want to tell you (blah blah)" just stick to what you feel you need to say and don't go off course no matter how much he tries... and as hard as it will be you will need to ignore his insults (it just shows his immature not to have a decent conversation without insults/picking at yoU!)

At least you can try that tactic and see it works - it may not achieve anything but at least you got to speak and be heard - although it may fall on deaf ears - hopefully you feel you said your piece for once!

Goodluck

[merlottes]

Well you did the right thing getting his number and address and giving it to CSA :fingerscrossed: they can get money from him for you

[Will]

Hey Krissy! It is hard when they are such loosers, but in the end you are the one who wins, you have gorgeous Matilda, and she will never stop loving you!! All i can suggest is to let him call you when he is ready, god knows it wouldnt be cheap calling overseas! Maybe try writing him a letter or sending him an email to get all your feelings out. That way he cant interrupt or say anything to you, you get it off your chest and he will be able to sit on it before just coming back at you at the spare of the moment if that makes sense. Good luck with everything :hugs:

[jess_live_die]

i know how u feel my ex is the same he walked out on me and our baby wen she was 1 week old and his never given her anything he only msges me every few months wen he remembers he has a daughter, fortunately i speak my mind and i tell him wat i think and its not always in fact its never very nice. but if u need to talk ur welcome to send a private msg :hugs:

[KaM]

Just a little update ..

So I took the advice of some here and a few other friend and wrote him an email. Not to long. Just layed it out that I think he needs to step up and that I dont think he treats Matilda as a priority in his life. As yet no response.

Though his latest promise is that he is going to come over for Matilda's 1st birthday. I just laughed as I read it. Ill believe it when I see it. Said his mum might come to. She seems to be a nice lady. I email her sometimes and she is always polite and even jokes about her son sometimes as well. I hope that if they do come visit they don't expect to see or take Matilda alone. It's almost a joke to think about but you never know. It's also spawned me into making arrangements that if in the worse case something ever happens to me ..my mum gets custody .. We have lived with my mum since I was pregnant and I wouldnt have anyone have her.

On another note . .We go away to Queensland on the 27th Sept. . I can't wait!!:smiliedance:

[razzle]

To be perfectly honest - for a measly $26 a month, it is really worth going through all that anguish, heartache, headache....? Surely your daughter (and you) would be better off just writing him off and moving on. :hugs:

[Kassiasmum]

Though his latest promise is that he is going to come over for Matilda's 1st birthday. I just laughed as I read it. Ill believe it when I see it. Said his mum might come to. She seems to be a nice lady. I email her sometimes and she is always polite and even jokes about her son sometimes as well. I hope that if they do come visit they don't expect to see or take Matilda alone.

I don't know the story behind your dd's father living in USA so please exuse me if you have already done this in another thread. Do you have court orders to state that you have residency of your daughter? Just in case he does come over, it means that he can't take her because if you don't have orders, he is legally allowed to take her and their is not much you can do about it? Might be worth looking into oh and good luck in trying to get him to step up and take responisibility, I know it's hard when the other parent doesn't do this.

[KaM]

Did you mean having full custody of her so that nothing can happen? . . .

Her father is an american. He was out here for about 10 mths which we spent together before returning home as his visa was expired and we hadn't worked out. He isn't on her birth certificate though I did provide them with his details. He didn't sign off on anything so he doesn't appear. To prove anything would take a DNA test in most legal cases I'd say.

I'm not sure what path I would have to take to make sure she wouldn't be able to leave the country. Anyone?

[Veritas]

I'm pretty sure she'd have to have a passport which you'd need to sign for....

[Kassiasmum]

How are you collecting through CSA (even though you aren't getting the money) if he isn't the registered father/no father registered on her birth certificate.
Your dd would need a passport to get out of the country but if he wants it bad enough there are ways around this, I'm not saying this to scare you though. I am talking about getting consent orders from the family law court to say that you have residency of your daughter(custody) but not sure how this or the passport thing works if he is not on her birth certificate.
As for her not being able to leave the country you can list them on a database that alerts the authorities if he does try to leave with her but sorry can't remember the name of it, I am sure someone else will know, it has been discussed on here previously.

[Mum2Lucas]

It's ok your not alone there. DS's father won't even admit that he is his son. he said it once and i said im the one whos been there since day go so dont pull that **** with me. hope it all gets worked out. He cant take her out of the country because he can't apply for a passport for her because he's not on the birth certificate. That would take a dna test and a fair bit of money on his part.

[MilkOnTap]

I dont have any advice... Just lots of hugs for you!!!

*hug*

[Hector]

Hey Krisseh - think we've talked before - my wee girl is also a Matilda and her dad is Scottish...I can SO sympathise with everything you are going through although my issues were a wee bit different because ex actually came to Australia (by some coercing...i mean dragged by his heels!)

I agree with poster above - you should really really see a solicitor regarding consent orders and custody. (ie: you can actually stipulate that all visits with her father MUST be supervised or in your home). Legal Aid can do these for you if you're poor like me! :thumbsdown:

Like me you weren't with your ex for a long period of time before baby - point being you really don't know people, and you can't underestimate how he (or his mother...) will react when they actually meet your dd! so it's in your best interest (and Matilda's) if you have things organised BEFORE they get here! I am in the process of sorting this out myself as ex's parents are arriving in Oz at the end of October...:eek:

And the longer consent orders are in place,the more standing they have in court (ie: if he woke up to himself in a few years and decided he actually wanted shared custody or something when he has contributed NOTHING then you would be able to fight him. This happened to a friend of ours and she didn't have any custody arrangement - but had cared for dd since birth when suddenly, when her dd was 5, the ex turned up and demanded custody and he GOT it - never paid maintenance,had been a convicted druggie etc etc)

Sorry to go on and on ... :ecomcity: but our situations are a little similar and I want you and your Tilda to be safe and happy!

(Funnily enough my ex has always held Matilda's b'day up as this great milestone - saying he'd stay in Oz until she was one and then go home, or saying he'd quit smoking when she turned one...well that was on Sept 12th happybirthday and he's still here and quite possibly still smokin! Men...i mean...boys!)

[Kari_Adel]

I'd have to agree with Razzle.

I know we mums worry about our children, and never want them to believe they are not special or loved by their father.. and will often fight those ex's til we're blue in the face trying to convince them to "step up."

But really, shouldn't it be the other way around? These Dad's need to EARN the right to be a part of their childrens lives.. I know.. easier said than done.. but what are we teaching our children? That our self-worth is measured by how our parents accept us?

I personally believe 'no father' is less painful than a lousy one.

Krisseh, you will meet someone, settle down and finish your family. Your daughter will be loved and accepted by someone that deserves the two of you. And just think, you will be one of the few mothers in your situation who wont have to go through:

- sharing Matilda at Christmas and having one of your children missing under the Christmas tree..

- having to confirm birthday party dates/details with someone else..

- access weekends..

- having to worry about Matilda being "spoilt" over your other children, and causing jealousy/arguments..

- having to answer to an ex constantly re holidays, school choices, where you can and cannot live..

.. and more. All for a lousy $26 a month!

I know its scary now, but just think.. you have an opportunity to offer Matilda a complete family and safe upbringing. However, no matter what I do, my son Jake will always have a broken family.. :thumbsdown:

Hope it helps.. :hugs: I don't want to sound negative, but I honestly sometimes regret the trouble I went to getting Jake's father to bond with his son.. I dug my own hole.. and will spend the rest of Jake's life having to deal with a voliatile situation.. :thumbsdown: