Theophania
20-04-2011, 15:31
I just wanted to start this thread to get my story out there. Use this place as a sounding board and let others know they aren't alone.
I was too scared to ever put this out there on the Hub before. I was afraid of what people might think of me. But I am not scared anymore :)
I am an alcoholic (geez it feels good to get that out). I have had a problem with alcohol since my very first drink at 12 and a half years old. I was a 'black out' drinker from that first time. I loved alcohol straight away. It made me feel 10ft tall and bulletprrof. When I was drunk I honestly thought men wanted me and women wanted to be me :laughing: I could sing, I could dance and I was pretty. My drinking progressed to the point of me being a daily drinker at one point (doesn't everyone drink atleast a bottle of wine a day though)... I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong with me. I didn't think what I was doing was unusual. I was a 'high functioning' alcoholic. Always held down a job, always had a car, never had trouble with police. But yet my life was unmanageable, and I couldn't see why.
I was always waking up after a big night out and feeling miserable, the depression the next day was almost unbearable. I couldn't remember what I did the night before and would have to call friends to make sure I was 'behaved' and didn't cause any trouble. I tried to control my drinking. HA that worked out well - NOT!! I had the best intentions when I drank, to only have a few, but no doubt I would wake up to next day not knowing where I went wrong the night before, and trying to figure out which drink it was that tipped me over the edge. I tried all sorts of formulas to keep me from going over the edge into blackout - I switched drinks (I started drinking wine because I wanted to be a lady and thought drinking wine would give me lady like behaviour :p), I tried eating lots before drinking, drinking later in the night, drinking more often to build my resistance, but all to no avail.
Then my son was born, and the only way I can explain it is that I now had a concience when I drank. It didn't make me drink less (I wasn't a daily drinker then, just a binge drinker on the weekends), no, I just felt alot worse the next day. I tried with all my might not to drink and just couldn't do it.I was powerless over this stuff. I was on antidepressants for PND, and there is a risk of death with drinking excessively whilst taking them, but the risk of death was still not enough for me to stop. I then gave birth to my daughter. Things kept going much the same for a while. Then one day I realised howmuch I was putting myself and my drinking before my babies. Something had to be done.
I had seen many counsellors, psychologists, drug and alcohol counsellors all whom told me I was ok and didn't have a problem. The drug and alcohol counsellor actually told me I couldn't be an alcoholic because I didn't drink when I was pregnant. :rolleyes:
I had heard of AA in the past. And I was terrified to go there. From what I had heard AA meant giving up alcohol for good, and well I just couldn't see the point in life if I couldn't drink. But I took a big step and went to a meeting. That was on the 3 January this year and I have never looked back. My last drink was on New Years Eve (alone as usual). My life has changed so much in this short space of time. I don't look at it like I can never drink again, beause there is nothing stopping me from picking up that bottle, but instead I look at it as just for today, just for today I won't pick up that first drink. I am now healthy (have lost almost 17kgs), I am happier than I ever thought was possible and I am the mother and wife I always wanted to be. I owe so much to AA and the people I have met there. I finally have hope, I finally have a happy bright future ahead of me and I love the possibilities that are before me.
So if you got this far, thank you for taking the time to read and if you are someone like me, suffering this disease, there is hope out there :)
I was too scared to ever put this out there on the Hub before. I was afraid of what people might think of me. But I am not scared anymore :)
I am an alcoholic (geez it feels good to get that out). I have had a problem with alcohol since my very first drink at 12 and a half years old. I was a 'black out' drinker from that first time. I loved alcohol straight away. It made me feel 10ft tall and bulletprrof. When I was drunk I honestly thought men wanted me and women wanted to be me :laughing: I could sing, I could dance and I was pretty. My drinking progressed to the point of me being a daily drinker at one point (doesn't everyone drink atleast a bottle of wine a day though)... I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong with me. I didn't think what I was doing was unusual. I was a 'high functioning' alcoholic. Always held down a job, always had a car, never had trouble with police. But yet my life was unmanageable, and I couldn't see why.
I was always waking up after a big night out and feeling miserable, the depression the next day was almost unbearable. I couldn't remember what I did the night before and would have to call friends to make sure I was 'behaved' and didn't cause any trouble. I tried to control my drinking. HA that worked out well - NOT!! I had the best intentions when I drank, to only have a few, but no doubt I would wake up to next day not knowing where I went wrong the night before, and trying to figure out which drink it was that tipped me over the edge. I tried all sorts of formulas to keep me from going over the edge into blackout - I switched drinks (I started drinking wine because I wanted to be a lady and thought drinking wine would give me lady like behaviour :p), I tried eating lots before drinking, drinking later in the night, drinking more often to build my resistance, but all to no avail.
Then my son was born, and the only way I can explain it is that I now had a concience when I drank. It didn't make me drink less (I wasn't a daily drinker then, just a binge drinker on the weekends), no, I just felt alot worse the next day. I tried with all my might not to drink and just couldn't do it.I was powerless over this stuff. I was on antidepressants for PND, and there is a risk of death with drinking excessively whilst taking them, but the risk of death was still not enough for me to stop. I then gave birth to my daughter. Things kept going much the same for a while. Then one day I realised howmuch I was putting myself and my drinking before my babies. Something had to be done.
I had seen many counsellors, psychologists, drug and alcohol counsellors all whom told me I was ok and didn't have a problem. The drug and alcohol counsellor actually told me I couldn't be an alcoholic because I didn't drink when I was pregnant. :rolleyes:
I had heard of AA in the past. And I was terrified to go there. From what I had heard AA meant giving up alcohol for good, and well I just couldn't see the point in life if I couldn't drink. But I took a big step and went to a meeting. That was on the 3 January this year and I have never looked back. My last drink was on New Years Eve (alone as usual). My life has changed so much in this short space of time. I don't look at it like I can never drink again, beause there is nothing stopping me from picking up that bottle, but instead I look at it as just for today, just for today I won't pick up that first drink. I am now healthy (have lost almost 17kgs), I am happier than I ever thought was possible and I am the mother and wife I always wanted to be. I owe so much to AA and the people I have met there. I finally have hope, I finally have a happy bright future ahead of me and I love the possibilities that are before me.
So if you got this far, thank you for taking the time to read and if you are someone like me, suffering this disease, there is hope out there :)