Realistic Expectations of a Step Parent

[MummyOfTwoGirls]

Ok, not sure where to start...but here I go

I have a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship and a 9 month old daughter in my current relationship. I am unsure if I am expecting too much from my DP in relation to my eldest DD. I can not fault him when parenting our 9 month old DD, but when it comes to my eldest DD there always seems to be issues.

It is my eldest DD birthday today (she is currently with her father). She came in to our bed this morning to which I gave her a big hug and kiss and said Happy Birthday. DP was half asleep, I nudged him a number of times to get him to say Happy Birthday, he eventually did. When it came to cake time, I sang happy birthday, DP just stood there with our daughter. My eldest ran of to her bedroom upset because DP was not singing along. DP has not spent any time with eldest DD today...

Last night we had tea at DP parents house. Anytime something was mentioned about eldest DD, he would respond with something about our youngest DD. He couldn't bring the focus to eldest DD.

I don't think this is acceptable, am I over reacting?

The relationship between DP and eldest DD is not fantastic. DD thinks she needs to protect me (it was just me and her for so long, but have been with DP for nearly 3 years now). Yes DD is not perfect and has attitude and a mouth on her, but from what I can see she is just like every other 7 year old. DP does not voluntarily play with DD, and only seems to spend time with DD when she goes up to DP and takes an interest in what he is doing. I have to remind DP to say hello to my eldest, but will automatically come up to our youngest DD for kisses and cuddles. When eldest DD and DP argue, he seems to treat her like an adult, and I have to remind him she is only a child. DP says that there is nobody out there who would treat eldest DD any better than he does.

He says he loves her...but his actions speak louder than his words. I understand that being a step parent is hard, especially with DD being older, but I still think he could try harder...

I don't know what to do to make things better between DD and DP, to be honest I think DP needs to step up. Am I being too harsh? Please help!

[mummaof4]

thats really sad :( especially on her birthday :(
my eldest is also from a previous relationship but from day dot my partner treated her as his own, there's no difference between any of the 4 & that extends to his family too. (bio father is not around though)

is it possible to send them off to do things together to bond? even the cinema, bowling? just the 2 of them.

i think it would be hard on him also as she does have a dad, so maybe he doesnt know where the boundaries are?
i dont know but the poor thing must be so jealous of her little sister. and you dont want that getting worse especially during the teen years..

how was he before you fell pregnant??

[twotrunks]

It is certainly not expecting too much to ask him to say hello. sing happy birthday, and be pleasant to your DD. He needs to grow up tbh, and act like a decent person. he doesn't have to be her dad, but he does share her life and her family, so he should do at least the minimum.

It is quite common for step-dads to be harder with discipline than bio mums, and it can turn into a vicious cycle. Try contacting your state's stepfamily association for ideas and perhaps education on how to deal with it, and stop it from becoming more of an issue.

[MommaBear]

if its possible shomehow setup a video camera to film him when he gets home etc... so that you can show him exactly how he reacts to the older dd vs the younger one.


but from what you've said he is not treating her fairly at all and its obviously somethign she has picked up on.

[smileygirl]

thats really sad.

My son is 6 (nearly 7) and i have been with DH for just over 4 years. We have a 6 month old...so very very similar.

DH does so much with DS...he plays with him, they have their own stuff that they do together all the time. DH even joined karate with DS and they spend lots of time training together. Now DD has been born, they spend even more time together as i spend more time taking care of DD.

it took time for them to bond...but seriously, most people do not realise that DS is not DH's bio child.

for birthdays...DH goes and buys DS something on his own, just from him. He makes a big fuss of him and already talks about taking DS to an outward bound father/son thing when DS is 10 (its a big deal for us).

DH happily does bedtime, makes up stories, plays computer games, teaches DS soooo much stuff about computers (dh's love), helps with homework, makes dinners...there is no line between "my child" and "our child".

DH is sometimes stricter than i am...but we have agreed ground rules and he is always fair.

Actually...let me go and cut and paste DH's facebook status from the other day... "had a proud parent moment this morning, in Karate class, when Elliott was asked for the 4 walls of the Dojo. Which he answered perfectly, even to The Deshi's surprise. Only 1 week after grading!"

it took time...but DH is truly DS's dad...by choice! When you have a bio child, it does change things....for us it has concreted us as a family. Your DH is not being fair to you or your DD...he chose to be with you, both of you..and he should be making every effort to brighten your DD's life. It sounds like he is being very childish and selfish.

[Amara]

No you are not expecting too much at all.

[overitand36]

[FONT=Arial]He says he loves her...but his actions speak louder than his words. I understand that being a step parent is hard, especially with DD being older, but I still think he could try harder...

I don't know what to do to make things better between DD and DP, to be honest I think DP needs to step up. Am I being too harsh? Please help!

Totally needs to step up we are in similar situation DD1 is 10 meet DH at 4 and DD2 is 8mths
your DH should know that both of you where a package deal and get his act together
biological or not both need to be treated as his children, each with completely different needs but still both his children

[DaughteroftheForest]

My DS is almost 6 and DF and I have been together 2 years and have 14 month old DD together.

Right from the start DF made a big effort to make a relationship with DS and they're very close now. He would draw the line at changing him but anything else he would do. He was happy to watch him for me, cook for him, bathe him. At first I resisted a bit as I didn't want them getting too close too fast but now it's a non issue. DF thinks of DS as his and always has. He wishes he was his father and would LOVE it if DS changed his last name to his. They're very close and DF is perfectly comfortable doing all the things any father would do with their child.

If you guys were just dating it wouldn't be so much of an issue, but you have another child together and obviously live together. I would talk to your DP and tell him this is an issue and you want him to make an effort with her. If he can make time to take her to a movie or out the park, etc then maybe they can get a bit closer. I'd say the sooner the better.

[MummyOfTwoGirls]

Thank you for the responses. We are going to counselling this week. However he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong or that counselling will change anything. Will see how counselling goes, if that doesn't work i think there will be some tough decisions to make.

[SimplyMum]

I have just come out of a relationship where XDP was much like yours.He didn't ever do it to be nasty or anything but is just not all that interested in kids. :( My fear was that he would treat any children we had together differently. I also grew up with a father that treated my sister (to a different man) differently- it impacts on the other kids greatly. I terribly resent my father for what he has put my sister through and my other siblings feel much the same. I also resent my Mum to some extent for letting it happen. Favourtism has no positve impact at all. I also hate to think that it may cause favourtism on your part to your 1st daughter and ruining your relationship with your 2nd daughter.

Good luck. :hugs:

[Ants]

I am a step mum and hubby's kids were 10,12 and 14 when I cam along, they are now 16,17 and 19!!

we have a 16 month old together and are expecting baby 2 in October.

I do NOT think you're expecting too much at all. Be honest about that too! I have always shown my step kids love, respect and have always put my money, time and effort where my mouth is!! I love them and I think your other hald needs to step up!

:hugs: