How did you do this?

[MumOfTwoBoys]

I am thinking more and more about leaving my husband... But I am such a coward... His authoritarian behaviour left me a completely helpless, dependent individual with a level of confidence = -1...

I admire you, strong, brave and independent ladies. Now I need some practical advice from you.

How can I actually do this? I mean technically HOW I arrange a new place to live, handle work and children? How do you do it? I am working full time, leave early, come back not earlier than 5:30pm. How can I drop off pick up children? If I manage to find a part time job, how I'm going to survive financially? Moving in with my parents is out of the question.

I'd like to hear about some personal experiences.

[mum2littleman]

sorry i cant really help i never left a partner he left me when i told him i was pregnant with his child, however just thourght id let you know there is always childcare and they do after school care-which they pick up ur child from school and look after them untill you finish work which would probly be a great help to you not having to be there to pick them up. good luck with everything i hope it all works out for you, and when things get hard remeber what a strong and brave person you are :hugs: .

[LilShenanigans]

Hmmm, I can't honestly tell you how I manage... and I don't even have a job.
It seems I've just lived 5 months by myself and wondering how the heck did I get here? lol

I know there's child care benefits from centrelink, and it might be worthwhile to subsidise any payments with a bit of a pension...

Personally, I'm very lax about the lifestyle here. I have a vague understanding of a routine although I let it slide from time to time. Setting up a house wasn't too much fun, didn't have a lot of stuff for the first month or so... but then ended up with a lot of second hand goods when word of mouth got around.
I always make sure I can pay the rent and bills... EVERYTHING else can wait if I can't afford it... if DD needs food and I don't have any, we're always welcome at friends/relatives places(although that hasn't happened yet...).

But again, I couldn't tell you how I've managed, I don't know... I guess just knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that I had to has gotten me through.
I doubt women realise just how strong they are until their put into difficult situations.

[Chanelc]

I left my partner I just packed up and left and went to my brothers for two weeks until I found a place. Do you have a friend's place you can go to? Or just your parents until you find a place?
With work I organised to work 9.30 to 4pm three days in the office and two from home (remote access via the computer!) so I can have time with my little one and organise to drop her off before work and pick her up after work.
The main thing is know why you are leaving and just organise yourself before hand so you are ready to cope with everything.
It is not easy but with time you get a rountine and things settle.
Goodluck may you do what is right for you

[SweetSerenity]

HI Anna...

Well me and my ex were renting when i asked him to leave, so i stayed and continued working my normal 3 days a week and i now get assistance from centrelink also aswell as child support.

Financially it is VERY hard, esp as im trying to save also, but you learn how to manage...when you have to you just do.

For me juggling work and home is not too bad, Peter goes to his dads on the sundays i work, and on the mondays and wednesday im luckly enough to have my mum look after him.

Yeah i get tired, stressed occassionally but i need to do what i do to support myself, my son and how we live.

All i can say is, when you have to cope and manage by yourself, theres something inside you that comes out and makes you manage it all.....Its not easy but us women are strong creatures and are capable of alot :D

[MumOfTwoBoys]

Thank you SO much for you support and hugs and kind words!

I'm generally pretty well organised and a good saver but it just the total lack of confidence, I guess. For 13 years I was made to believe that whatever I do is wrong, incorrect, could've been done better... I can't negotiate the prices at a store, I can't drive a car (somehow I managed to get the licence at the first attempt with the score of 98 but this doesn't count), I can't pick the right quality vegetables at the market, I can't even put the shopping bags into the car boot! It's either his way or no way... And whenever I try to talk to him he is too tired and too stressed and I am a mean person because I add to his stress level with my complaints...

[Amberlea]

IHis authoritarian behaviour left me a completely helpless, dependent individual with a level of confidence = -1...
HOW I arrange a new place to live, handle work and children? How do you do it? I am working full time, leave early, come back not earlier than 5:30pm. How can I drop off pick up children? If I manage to find a part time job, how I'm going to survive financially? Moving in with my parents is out of the question.

I'd like to hear about some personal experiences.

Hi Anna... Im a single mum of two ( I have 3 kids but my eldest doesnt live with me).. I can totally relate to the authoritarian part that you mentioned - unfortunately my ex was also physically (and every other way) abusive.

It took me moving overseas to be able to leave him because I had no support here via friends or family.

But.. in saying that - I had no problems getting my own place to live.
If you want to keep working, most schools will offer an out of school care program from 6.30am - 6pm.. you can leave your eldest there... and most childcares operate from the same times.. for your youngest.
If you can't manage a full time job (which I could understand) you could always take a part-time one and also receive benefits from centrelink.

I work three days a week and get my benefit on top of that - in total i pull in around $550+ a week.

You just need to work out what you have to do..and find ways to get there,.. you'll be alright girl.. theres plenty of us around if you need to talk and ask more Questions.

[Amberlea]

Thank you SO much for you support and hugs and kind words!

I'm generally pretty well organised and a good saver but it just the total lack of confidence, I guess. For 13 years I was made to believe that whatever I do is wrong, incorrect, could've been done better... I can't negotiate the prices at a store, I can't drive a car (somehow I managed to get the licence at the first attempt with the score of 98 but this doesn't count), I can't pick the right quality vegetables at the market, I can't even put the shopping bags into the car boot! It's either his way or no way... And whenever I try to talk to him he is too tired and too stressed and I am a mean person because I add to his stress level with my complaints...


Im sorry that you have to go through this Anna.... It;s almost identical to the things I had to endure.
Chin up girl.

[oleander]

Can you ask your husband to leave?

[MumOfTwoBoys]

Well, it just happened that last Saturday he half-joked about us being divorced by the time the boys grow up. I said that I am almost sure that it will happen much earlier. He did not realise at first that I was serious. Then I outlined him how are we goig to sell the house, split the money so that both of us can have a decent place to live. He realised that I was serious and started asking questions. Then I told him that I've just given up trying to explain him anything and I am not intended to try anymore. He was really upset. Unfortunately we were in a hurry (had to attend a birthday party) and the moment was lost. However, for the last 2 days he desperately tried to control himself and not criticise me at his usual rate of 4 times a minute. I just don't believe it'll last...

Another problem is the boys love him. And although the older one sometimes gets upset and angry with his father I think he will be more upset if we split. The little one adores his father yet. I am between a rock and a hard place...

[babyboo]

All i can really say is please dont just stay together for the kids.

They will grow up much more confident and secure with one happy parent than 2 unhappy parents.

But then on another note, maybe it has jolted him a little and he might pay more attention. Might be a good idea, now that its out there to suggest some marriage councelling, unless your not inlove with him anymore. Then you really have to move on. I think the kids will be ok if you went your seperate ways, if they know that both mum and dad love them and you try to make the effects as minimal as possible (which i know can be difficult if kids are older) they will come out pretty unscathed.

My parents seperated when i was about 7 and im fine and i seperated from my dd's father about 1 1/2 years ago (after 10 yrs) and she is doing great, yes she is young, but im always there for her and so are the family.

good luck.

[LilShenanigans]

If from that small conversation he's acting like a truck just hit him, then I agree, it might be worth giving counselling a go.
I personally be suggesting a full week where you wear the pants.

With your 6yo, they'll know exactly whats going on, and may be put off by the idea of seperated parents, but if it shows that your both happy to him (even if your not), then he'll come around the idea that it's probably for the best..

Personally, I knew my parents had to split, but never would because my mum wanted to 'stick around for the kids'. For me, that was the worse thing she could have done. In my situation if she had left earlier, my sister and me may have had a better relationship with our dad and not spent so many years in complete hatred for him.
It's only the past couple of years that we've been able to form a bond with our dad that would've been a hopeless task to do when my parents were together.

Also, I think your eldest is old enough to have a small chat to him about it. Nothing over the top, just asking how he feels, what makes him happy/sad etc, and just get a general idea of what it's like his head... Looking at your life through your own childs could be the make or break point.
But that's only if you feel comfortable with it.

[leejackshands]

"All i can really say is please dont just stay together for the kids."

i so agree this statement, it is the worst thing that you can possibly do cause in the long the kids will suffer more living in an unhappy household, you as well as the kids will be alot happier in the long run leaving, or better still kick him out, thats what i did, before i even broke it of my ex i went about changing everything so that it was all in order for when i did tell him to leave, which was that night. it took alot of guts to do it, i set up everthing had kids looked after by close friend, somone of whom he didnt know where they lived so he cldnt go & run off with them, even though he didnt & told that night i was going out & i wanted him & his stuff out of the house by the time i got back.

[MumOfTwoBoys]

Thanks a lot to all of you. Now I'll have to do some very hard thinking. I doubt that DH will be keen on councelling. I hope that whatever I said hit him hard enough for at least being able to listen to me and actually hear me. I will be also happy to listen to him should he decide to tell me something as well. I know that he also feels unhappy... If this last attempt to settle the things won't work and we again end up screaming at each other, well, then that's it...:gloomy:

The thing is that if he was physically abusing me and was generally mean to me - I would have left him years ago without even asking anyone. The thing is he is not that bad. He can do this little things that make your day - he would by some treat for me without me asking, pick up a recipe from a stand in Coles, tell me that I look nice when I put on a new outfit. He never controls me with the money and actually asks me do I have enough cash in my wallet and whether I need more. But at the same time he hates when anyone disagrees with him. It's not the wrongdoing that irritates him but the fact that something was done not exactly as he wanted. And the total control... A the criticism on every little thing: the way I arrange things in the fridge, the fact that I didn't wipe the kitchen table straight after the meal; he screams at DS if he doesn't wash his hands after dinner (DS is a very messy eater but we always keep a box of tissues on the kitchen table.) DH is clean freak - juice bottles brought from the supermarket must be wiped before I put them in the pantry, the table must we wiped after I put a newspaper on it ("it contains lead!") or the junk mail ("You know, they through it on the ground!"). It all adds up, trust me. I can never relax in his presence. I think if I was invited to have an audience with the Queen I'd have been more relaxed...

I don't believe people can change after a certain age...

[leejackshands]

hi anna keep us updated on whats happening, :hugs: :hugs: to u & good luck.:thumbsup:

[maad]

Hi Anna

I have left an abusive relationship about 8 weeks ago. You have to realise that what your husband is doing to you is a form of abuse, yes it is hard to get your head around that word. By your latest post it sounds like you both need to talk about what each other is feeling which means he sits down and listens to you talk not the other way around. You may want to look at counselling look up Relationships Australia they have great services available for everyone. Yes it is hard to leave but for me it was the only solution for my kids. They are so much happier living without all the shouting etc.

Good Luck Hope everything works out for you.
Anne