It is almost 11 and I'm still here.

[Sad Mummy]

I have spent the whole morning trying my best not to drop my children at a friends place so I can die. Well It is almost 11 and I am still here. Still fighting the urge.
The thing that's stopping me, well, it's DD she is at school at the moment and I keep thinking how horrible it would be for her to come home with no Mummy.
I have to distract myself until 2. At 2 I take the boys to the toy library. I know it doesn't sound like much. But I will be able to relax there, well hopefully, and then maybe I wont feel so bad.
I do know this will pass, I've been here before, but, well, today it really feels like it is neverending.
I want out. But I also want to see my babies grow up. I am so confused. I made an urgent appointment with my counsellor, mentioned how I was feeling and I still can't get in until the 11th of next month.

So today, to cope, I have screamed at the top of my lungs, banged my head, scratched my arm, cried, swore and cuddled my boys.
I have so much housework to do, but I figure I am leaving it for my husband, who insisted on doing the grocery shop so he could avoid having lunch with me today. It also means I will have to take 3 children to an AGM tonight, because he will be late from doing the shopping.
Ok enough of that, I need to keep positive or everything will seem too much.
I'm just so lost at the moment. I need some time to remember who I am and to find out what I want.

[ComeBackKid]

((hugs))

I have been there - do whatever you can to hang there.

Take it hour by hour - minute by minute if you need.

Have you got someone who can come keep you company or even go for a coffee or a walk with?

you could call lifeline if you need. And dont hesistate to go to your local hospital or gp if you need to.

Hang in there

[*babygirl*]

:( I hope someone can come in and give you the number for a crisis line. I've heard wonderful things about beyond blue. I hope you did the strength to get through the day and to find some some sunshine in your life :( sending a million hugs!!

[sahm]

Please call lifeline right now. 13 11 14.

Things can get better, they really can. Please call someone.

[Jakois]

Lifeline - 13 11 44

Please give them a call. They are fantasitc.

I really feel for you:hugs::hugs:.

Is there anyone close by that an come to sit with you for a while?

[summastarlet]

Please call Lifelines crisis line on 13 11 14. This number is available 24/7.

Sending you lots of :hugs:

Please don't give up. Please talk to someone about how you are feeling.

[CazHazKidz]

where abouts are you? I think you need someone to come to you and be with you as soon as possible.

[FloatingFairy]

Awww big big hugs!

I've absolutely no idea what your going through or why, but please don't die :( that makes me want to cry...oh look that rhymes :)

You need to find happy positive distractions...find something to laugh about - a funny movie, a funny book, sit through photos of your beautiful babies and remember that to them, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD.

If you feel like getting things off your chest, go for it :) But please keep yourself happy.

Things may look bleak and even though I dont know you or know what you're going through, things will always get better! Sometimes it takes more time and hard work but your life can always get better. You only get one chance at THIS life - make the most of it!!

[Girl X]

I don't know your situation at all, but I just wanted to give you lots of these :hugs::hugs::hugs:

From the sounds of things you are a very strong person - more so than perhaps you think.

I hope you have called the Lifeline number, or at least called someone to come and be with you right now.

Hold on to those thoughts about watching your children grow up. This time will pass. :hugs::hugs:

[Sad Mummy]

I called my mum and my friend, who are both out of town today. :( I've been busy with DS2 who hasn't stopped crying today. He seems to have finally gone to sleep, and DS1 has woken.
I do have a plan, everything but a time.
I don't want my kids to find me.

[Buttoneska]

Please take the others advice and call lifeline/beyond blue. I saw in another post you are having a few probs with your hubby and you have a 6wks old child. That is alot to deal with, especially on your own. Perahps is post natal depression?

There is a way out and you can feel positive about life again, what you feel now can pass - but you need support. Please call lifeline hun.

Your right your kids need you, and you DO have alot to live for. Even if you don't feel it right now. It is possible to accept that your not in a balance place to make big decisions, so now is not a good time to decide to take your own life. That right now, you are emotional, depressed, tired, stressed, feeling alone or whatever else, but all that amounts you to not being able to make a rational decision, so for now you should hold tight and speak to ppl who understand and CAN offer you a rational clear options/advice. Those are the ppl are lifeline.

((GBH))

[Hootenanny]

:hugs: You need to call someone now, call lifeline 131114 or the suicide callback line 1300 659 467, if you are more comfortable seeking help on the internet try these sites
http://suicidepreventionaust.org/Home.aspx
http://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

What would you do if a friend told you they felt like that? You would say they can get help, that they can feel better and that their kids need their mummy to be well. Be your own friend, get some help. I am appalled that you have been asked to wait until the 11th, please call someone.

[A mothers love]

I remember a previous post were you said your hubby thinks your depressed and that you went to a gp and they said you aren't.

Honey you are. This kind of talk shows your depressed. Please dint do this to yourself or your kids.

[iLOVEthree]

Hugs..... This is worrying and I couldn't leave this thread without posting. Please go to your nearest hospital and let them know exactly what you have said. Your children/family love you too much.

Please, don't give in to the voice that wants an out. Listen to the voices that love your children and want to see them grow up and live their lives.

[Sad Mummy]

2 weeks ago, I didn't feel like this at all. This is something that has come on in about 2 days. I live right behind our local hospital. Their solution is always the same when I am feeling down. They call my mum. She is on the last day of her holidays today and has gone fishing with her partner. I ruin enough things without ruining their day together. She has already told other family members that she actively avoids me, so I don't want to be around her anyway.
I told my husband the night before last, he didn't care at all.

As the day goes on, I am feeling slightly better. I haven't moved off the lounge in the last couple of hours, I am too scared that if one more thing goes wrong. So I am sitting here, trying to relax and be calm so I can care for my boys.

In an hour we will head to toy library and hopefully I will get a little nap while there. Plus my friend is coming back just so we can catch up. I am feeling positive that I am looking forward to this. I mean that has to be a good thing. It is the only thing I am looking forward to today, other than picking my chicken up from school and having a nice long cuddle with her.

I am pretty certain that my crisis is over. You know, that point where there is just nothing. I am much more calm and stuff. Now I just feel sad. Really sad.

[Girl X]

I know it may feel like it now, but people do care. We care for a start! You can always talk to us here. I know you don't know us in real life, but sometimes that makes it easier to be open.

I still think that you need to speak to a doctor as soon as possible. And I understand that you're worried about burdening people, but the alternative could be far far worse.

As other people have said, your baby needs you, and will continue to need you for a very long time.

This, what you're feeling now, will pass. Maybe not straight away, but it will pass. As a PP said, don't make any decisions while you feel this way. I hope you can get some help soon. Stay strong, and you will get through this. :hugs:

[august]

:hugs: Sorry you are feeling so down.

Please get some help, your children deserve a mother and YOU deserve to be happy and well.

Can you talk to your friend from the toy library about how you are feeling ?

I hope you feel better soon and I really hope you get yourself some help from lifeline or the hospital.

:hugs:

Ps- I know i don't know you at all, but if you need someone to chat about anything please feel free to PM me.

Take Care.

[biscotti]

Hi Sad Mummy :hugs:

I think you've been given some good advice and phone numbers so I won't add to those but if you decide not to go to the toy library, please check in here every so often so we know you and your children are ok.

:hugs:
Biscotti

[Nomsie]

furthermore to Biscotti's request, I would also like to add:

Bubhub can be a great place to get support and help. Everyone who has responded so far has just been wonderful and understanding, and I really second the idea of calling Beyond Blue just to chat to someone or anyone. I feel that admitting you need help is the first step towards taking it. Now that you have something you can do to counteract these thoughts (call beyond blue, lifeline or similar) I really would like to urge you to do so.
Because whilst we here all care and want to see you emerge on the other side of these feelings victorious, not many (if any?) of us are trained counsellors who can give you some great advice and point you in the right direction of the next step to take.

Huge hugs :hugs: I will be checking in on this thread regularly to make sure you're ok. :hugs::hugs:

[jess_live_die]

just wanted to send :hugs::hugs:

[BoyCrazy]

hey hun, i just wanted to let you know im here for you any time u want to chat, scream, cry, laugh, whatever it is. u are such a beautiful lady with 3 gorgeous kids who love you so unconditionally and think the world of their mummy!

enjoy the toy library this arvo and hanging out with your friend after. i wish i lived closer to be able to come give u some rl hugs, but for now these will have to do..:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

thinking of you sweet xxx

[biscotti]

Hi again Sad Mummy,
Could you just post a quick line so we know you are ok.
Thinking of you :hugs:

[veve]

I think (hope?) she is still at the toy library atm ..

:hugs: sad mummy ... we hope your day is better now than when it started ... please do post to let us know you are ok .. :hugs:

[Californication]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

I hope you are at the toy library. Please don't follow through with your plan. Can you promise that you won't until you have spoken to someone?

That you stayed strong today and posted here is a good start, but you really need to talk to someone. I hope that you have called the numbers and are feeling a little lighter. :hugs::hugs:

[Sad Mummy]

Hi Ladies, Still here, spent the whole afternoon with my friend at the library. Turns out her day has been as crappy as mine, so we are having ice choccies for breakfast tomorrow after the school dropoff. Have to go though, bub is crying

[amazonbaby]

Just read through this thread and wanted to give you some :hugs::hugs::hugs:.

Glad to see that you're catching up with your friend tomorrow, hopefully it will be a better day!!!:goodvibes:

[Sad Mummy]

I've made an appointment with the GP for tomorrow afternoon. She will call when she is able to fit me in, but it could be after close. And I will start back on my medication tomorrow morning. :)
Thanks for caring so much.
I actually think I have worked out why today it has all suddenly hit me. For the last couple of days, I have done heaps less exercise than I have been doing. I have been doing at least half an hour a day on top of walking to school, but for the last few days I've done none. Have to remember to keep it up.
My husband is probably going to take the rest of the week off to look after me.
Quick question. My 4 year old heard us talking and heard me tell him that I wanted to die. So before she fell asleep she kept saying, don't you know dad, mum just wants to die. I don't think she quite understands, but, what if she tells someone at school who explains it to her. How do you explain something like that to a 4 year old. (Hopefully, she forgets tomorrow)

[3'llhavetodo]

I've been there and it's not pretty.

I'm not sure where you live but maybe go see your local health clinic and see if there is some kind of depression group you can join, I did and it really helped, it not only gave me distraction it gave me tools to help change the way I view things

Also try googling MoodGym, they have similar cognitive retraining stuff online.

Try talking to your children, kids have a way of being able to understand and take in more than we givwe them credit for.

At least your husband sounds supportive..... mine didn't care less except my depression stopped me from keeping the house as clean as he would have liked