Leaving little baby with dad/grandparents

[Majestic Hiss]

I am a bit worried that ive made a mistake with my 9 week old.

On a few occasions I have left him at home or in the car with his dad or once with his grandad and aunt (relative strangers) while I've gone to the shop or an appointment - the longest would be about an hour.

Whenever I return he is always crying hysterically. I was thinking that it's ok to leave your baby if he is with someone who will cuddle him so he doesn't feel alone. Im thinking now it's probably not right to do this as he obviously gets upset when his mummy is gone.

Could this have caused attachment issues already? Is there anything I can do to reassure him I won't leave him again?

[FearlessLeader]

your baby needs to have a secure attachment to both parents, so while i would say if you don't feel comfortable leaving him with your extended family, that's completely your decision, but he should be with his dad as much as possible. Make sure he gets lots of cuddles with daddy even when you are home, and lots of skin to skin contact with him too.

[Mrs Nietzsche]

I dont really agree there... babies need a secure attachment to the primary carer (usually the mother) with the importance of other carers growing over time.

I can tell you that I don't leave mine until prob 5-6-7 mths.. going by what keeps them happy basically. I notice at a certain point they start becoming happy to be left wiht Dad.

My 3 mth old isn't happy with anyone else for more than say 15 mins, and that's not all the time either. IF she is sound asleep I will go out.

Babies develop a secure attachment with their father when they are ready, you don't need to force it by leaving them before they are ready.

On the other hand, I do sometimes have the dad or my 12 year old hold the baby if I need to do something for 10 mins, and if she is just grizzling a bit then I keep going - on the same basis as you OP ie she is being cuddled and not alone. Screaming hysterically isnt good.

It really is a very brief time that they want to be so so close to mum all the time, just wait it out... it won't take long before your baby is laughing and giggling with Dad if you just give it time.

[bumMum]

You can't reassure him you won't leave him again because sometimes you will. He needs to understand you will always come back. And trust that all his needs will be met in the short time you are away. Bit hard with a newborn but some babies are okay and others not! I was able to run to the shops or doctors etc and leave ds for a little while at that age. Is he crying the whole time your gone? Is whoever takes over being cuddly and gentle? Do you think he is crying because your back and he suddenly wants booby?

[bumMum]

I didn't realize this was in attachment parenting sorry !

[FearlessLeader]

i think it's really important not just for the baby but also the father that a strong attachment is allowed to grow from birth. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T101100.asp#T101103 (http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T101100.asp#T101103)

I'm not saying give the baby to Dad and disappear for a day, but really work on letting him form his own attachment, even if it's just him always doing the bath, holding the baby while you have a shower, the three of you laying together, carrying the baby in a sling, etc.

[Majestic Hiss]

He does spend lots of time with his dad and has an attachment - always smiles when he sees him etc. They spend time together when I'm home and its fine - no tears.

Yep it's crying hysterically the whole time I'm gone. I feel awful about this - it never really clicked that he just needs his mum and I shouldn't leave him.

[FearlessLeader]

could your partner come with your to these appointments? So he can give you a hand, and hold the baby, but you can still get done what you need to get done?

[Majestic Hiss]

Yes I won't be leaving him again - DH will come along as well in future, rather than stay in the car with the baby.

So, could this have already caused attachment issues or insecurity? I'm thinking probably yes. If so, what can I do to help fix it?

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Again, I don't agree that you need to PUSH a baby for an attachment to form.

I give my baby (and same for all 4 of them) to other people as is COMFORTABLE FOR THEM. There is no need to push. if they are fed and relaxed, they can go to dad for a cuddle for a while, or he bathes, or etc, but when they've had enough they come back to me.

By one year there is certainly a huge attachment to Dad, (prob much earlier but def by a year it's reasonably equal-ish).

I wouldn't leave a baby for an hour to go to the shops because that isn't helping them attach to Dad, it's just distressing them, and probably going *against* forming an attachment to Dad.

OP you might also consider baby going with Dad to the shop for 40 mins... when you are ready... I find that baby is happier to go out in the sling with Dad for a short trip than to stay at home without me.

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Jezz, babies are resilient. I think as long as you do most stuff right most days, there's room for the odd screwup if you know what I mean?

I don't mean to call that a screwup! But yeah - I personally expect to keep a baby with me for the first about 8 months... but it's flexible, you go with the baby... just I've had 4, and they are all really different but these things seem pretty consistent ie that the baby wants to be with mum, is relaxed with mum, etc for the first few months and then slowly grows independence.

My baby is 3 months now and is beginnning to have some longer awake times, and periods of being relaxed and fed and happy and she will sit with her Dad happily now. But at a certain point she's had enough and comes back to me. And as I said, having Dad go and do something with her is prob better than just sitting at home noticing that Mum isn't around.

All my kids have very strong attachments to their father, who is very handson, has coslept wtih them etc so I definitely do *not* think that this is going to impair bonding with Dad! it's just going with the baby's needs.

[FearlessLeader]

MrsN i agree with you, i suppose what i'm saying is don't give up on Dad having time with the baby too. i'm not saying let the baby go to Dad regardless of how the baby feels about it. Sorry if that's what it sounded like, that's not what i meant at all. I know so many people who don't give their partner time to form close attatchments to their child and the father effectively gives up, saying "s/he likes you better" and handing over the baby to mum.
When DS was a newborn, DP wore him nearly all the time. I was always there too, but DP often had him if DS wasn't feeding (so, about 1% of the time :laughing:)

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Yeah, I think it's jsut the difference between giving an opportunity to bond and forcing the baby (which won't work).

OP if your partner uses a sling it might work better too, fearless just reminded me.

DH used to take DS in the sling when i went to teh gym from pretty early (eh would just sleep) and has done this with DD2 & DD3 also (not for the gym lol). Ie when I take the toddlers to swimming lessons he has had the baby in sling from 3 weeks, and then now she is old enough to just sit on his lap and look around.

I know it can be frustrating to not be able to nip out to the shops on your own but it will happen pretty quickly. For now just use a sling? Unfortunately becoming tolerant about always being encumbered is part of being a parent in my experience lol.

eta just in case you were wondering (unlikely) he actually comes wtih me to the swimming lessons too, so that I am there if needed... however I think because of being 'out and about' the baby is happy to be with him. If he was at home with her I'm sure she'd start crying.

[Majestic Hiss]

Thanks heaps Mrs N and fearlessleader. Yes I am happy to take bub with me everywhere from now on, i won't be leaving him again until he is ready. I guess im just worried that I've already caused some damage by leaving him the times that I have. Can't change it unfortunately but I just feel so awful. Mrs N I hope you're right and he is resilliant and it will be ok.