how?

[cowgirlzrule1]

ok. i am new to the site. just found it and wanted to see if anybody could give me anything encouraging or help me out some way. i am 20. when i was 16 i was forced to have an abortion. in the last year and a half i have had one miscarriage.. one i dont know what you call it.. and one premature birth. they were at 6 weeks, 18 weeks, and this last one was 24 weeks. the first one did not affect me too badly. destiny *18 weeks* was due april 21. my bday is april 22. she was born on november 16 2005. i got pregnant right again after that. Jaden *24 weeks* was due november 17 this year. i had him july 28th. they said if i had kept him in about another day because of the medication they were giving me to help his lungs he might have had a chance. he only lived 22 hours. we buried him 3 days later. i dont know how to deal with this and cope with this. with destiny, the only way i dealt with that was because i was pregnant with jaden, and it kept my mind off of her. now i dont know what to do. help. it hurts so bad. he was soooo small. his eyes were still shut so i couldnt see what color they were. he was getting some blonde hair though you could tell that. whne he was in nicu i would sing to him and he held my finger. i would sing when i was pregnant. it was like he knew it was me. i miss him i want him back. i should be 31 weeks this friday. instead im not. im still fat for no reason and my body thinks i am supposed to be feeding a baby. how do i get o ver this?

[whatwasithinking]

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.

I don't know whether you ever get over something like this - I think though in time it will be easier.

May you have comfort in knowing that Jayden did know that his mummy was there for him.

:hugs: :kiss: :hugs: :kiss:

[subaruforestermum]

Im in tears, sorry...I dont know how you are feeling, but I know what I am feeling just reading your thread....I cant imagine how you must be feeling.......

I dont know how how you can overcome these feelings......you need time to heal, physically and emotionally.......

Its good to know as mu said that he knew his mummy was with him, and loved him very much.......

I hope that in time, you find some happiness in life........:hugs:

[zafyrezmummy]

i dont know what to say i just want to give you lots of :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
I'm so sorry you've had to endure all this.
all i can suggest is to take it one day at a time, and that we're all here for you whenevr you need to talk!
:hugs:
Take care of yourself!
~dimarie

[SamanthaJane]

Sweety i'm so sorry you have had to go through this :hugs: I wont even try to imagine what you are going through, because that is impossible. Not even a million words could express how much sympathy i have for you. What i can offer you is a great big hug :hugs: :hugs:

Just remember, everything is okay in the end, and if it's not okay, then it's not the end :hugs:

[Jinglebells]

:hugs: cowgirlzrule1, I'm so so sorry to hear about your losses, its never easy weather you lost one at 8wks or 38wks, I too have been where you are now, we lost our first born at 19wks, I then fell preggers again a few mths later but I sadly miscarried, I fell preggers again a few mths after that and I managed to carry to term with only a few problems during the pregnancy, I now have a healthy 2 year old from that pregnancy, I fell preggers earlier this year and sadly miscarried that one as well, the month after I fell preggers again, all was going well till 14wks when I started bleeding, my waters then broke at 18wks, i'm still preggers, 20wks now, and things arn't looking good for this little one,

What I have found that helps is talking to others, anyone that will listen, if you want to chat or anything feel free to pm me, my ears are always open to anyone in need, I'm so so sorry that you've been through so much at such a young age, :hugs: to you again

[tired*mummy]

HI Cowgirlzrule1

:hugs:
i'm very sorry to hear about your losses. Its never easy, its one of the hardest things to deal and cope with. I had 2 miscarriages at 6 weeks before i got pregnant with my son. I lost my son @ 36weeks, they couldnt find any reason's for it at all. I felt him move for the last time on my b'day and then the next day couldnt feel anything. Then after an ultrasound we found out that nothing could be done. After a full day of labour he was born. We buried him about 5 days later. . That was extremely hard. I didnt want to do it and i didnt want to face anyone. Even though i knew that everyone was there to support me it was still very difficult to do. We still dont know the reasons for his death, which i think that is one of the hardest things too And then my 2nd DD was born prematurely @ 23weeks, fortunately she survived and is now 2 1/2 but i know how it feels to have your baby in NICU and being so small. DD's eyes were shut as well.
I found that (especially with what happened with son) it does really help if you talk about it. Especially with your partner, or someone that you can get support from. If you feel like you cant talk about it then maybe write down how you feel and your memories, that also can help. I find that sometimes i get my son's box out of my wardrobe and go thru the things that i have of his and it all comes back but it gets easier. His clothes he wore in the hospital before being buried still smell the same and i've kept everything from the day he was born and all the things that i collected before he was born. I've also filled out his baby diary, i try to treat him as much as my child as possible (if that makes sense), that also may help you.
Hope things work out for you
:hugs:

[javalava]

Oh honey :hugs: My thoughts are totally with you right now. I dont know what to say to make you feel better. I have never been through that and honestly hope i never do, it would take a much stronger woman than me to go through something like that. Just reaching out for help is an excellent step.

Just know that you are welcome here anytime and will always find someone willing to help.

Some of us youll find have been through this horrible experience and will gladly give you the virtual shoulder that you need.

Unfortunately its one of those times where it will take time to heal and although youll never ever forget him or miss him everyday the pain will ease and he will live on in your memories.

Big :hugs: for you. Take care.

Laura.

[Mel-Jane]

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses and send my deepest sympathy. This forum is great for support, so please don't be shy to use it to help with some of the grieving process. :hugs: to you and hope that things change for the better very soon.

[kateka]

My heart truly goes out to you, as others have said the pain will get easier but with time.
I agree with some of the others try and keep a diary write every happy, sad, or angry feelings down,If your having problems talking to others this really can help.
I believe your little one knew you were there singing and held on just to spend those special moments with his mummy.
All of your darlings were brought here for a reason, your babys will live inside your heart... hold your memories close and never lose hope ...
It may still feel like a rainy day but the sun will shine again .:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[biscotti]

whne he was in nicu i would sing to him and he held my finger. i would sing when i was pregnant. it was like he knew it was me.

He knew it was you, please find comfort in this.
:hugs: to you.
Noosamum XX

[cowgirlzrule1]

im going to try another thread to post this in also just to be sure people read it! ok you have all read my story. Jaden happened on 7-28-06. it is now 10-4-06. two months later pretty much. i just found out im pregnant. i need help. i know it is too soon emotionaly for me and Josh (babies daddys) but what about physically? yes its high risk. what would you suggest? anybody? should i terminate it now? i dont really believe in it, and i think im only like 2 or 3 weeks along. but i dont know if i can handle another loss. i need opinions! has anybody had this experience? how did it work out? was it a succesfull pregnancy??? help me.

[Blessed Mum]

OMG - I really don't know what to say too you. You have been through so much already. I understand your feelings & reactions.................I just can't imagine what it must be like to actually be going thru it. I really hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel for you. Whatever happens I'll be thinking of you & your story :hugs: :crying:

[Jinglebells]

:hugs: to you cowgirlzrule1, I dont' know what I would do in your postion, I just lost my 2nd baby just under 3 wks ago, and I couldn't even imagine falling preggers again any time before xmas, I do know of somone that lost her son at 30wks gestation, and she fell preggers again 3mths later, and she now has a healthy 1 year old from that pregnancy, if you ever want to chat feel free to pm me, you'll have alot going through your head right now,

[cowgirlzrule1]

thanks you guys. i went to a high risk doctor today. the only one in town. all the other ones are over 2 hours away. i have a really good feeling. i wish i had seen him with the last pregnancy, i might still be pregnant. they do a LOT of things different and a lot of preventative stuff. the yare going to stitch the cervix if i make it to 13 weeks. also at 20 weeks they put you on meds to keep contractions from coming. plus a lot of other stuff. i really like the dr and think that i hav ea chance with him. the only thing is i dont think my body is ready. they say to wait a year after what ive been through. i tried, i was on birth control yet im still pregnant yet again. so im just so confused on what to do, i cant handle it if it happens again. but hope fully this doctor can help me. i go back on the 20th for my ultrasound and more blood work. they said i was 4 weeks and 4 days today, due june 11. thank you for your support and opinions. ill keep you updated.

[cowgirlzrule1]

ok. so i have not had internet in forever and so i havent been on the site. nice to be back. i am updating like i said i would. been in the hospital for a week and now i am at home but on complete bed rest and the doctor set up home health care to come check me so i dont have to get out to go to the doctor. i will be 28 weeks tomorrow, which is a LOT further than i got with the last two pregnancies. happy to be this far along but still scared. i did have the cervix stitched, and the doctor says that is the only thing thats holding the baby in right now. he said the baby is all the way 'down' and i am open inside all the way to the stitch. so i am not allowed to sit up or stand or walk, am restricted to laying down except to go to the restroom. its hard getting used to, i HATE not being able to do anything. i am also on pills every 4 hours to keep my contractions down and i have to monitor myself two to three times a day to check the heartbeat and to make sure im not having any contractions. again i just wanted to thank everyone for their support and comments, and just thought i would update.

[Kizmet]

:hugs: :hugs: Congratulations on getting to 28 weeks :yelclap: I am so happy for you! I only just found the thread and read through it all and I am so sorry for your previous losses and it was so great to hear you are 28 weeks with your little bubba now! Eek bedrest sounds terrible! just keep chanting 'its all worth it' . That is what i have been doign through my morning sickness today and it's kind of working

A big congratulations to you again :hugs:

[xpectant]

Oh my gosh!! You are an amazing woman! What you have been through... I've just read your story too. You are so young - yet so strong! I pray that this little one will stay inside long enough to be able to cope on the outside. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to be confined to bed - it'll sure be worth it when you have bubby in your arms. I'm so happy you've found such a good dr to help you get through all of this. Anyways, I can't express how I feel but I really want to give you a virtual hug and let you know I'm thinking of & praying for you and your family. :hugs:

[KatieKitten]

hey cowgirlzrule,

congrats on your progress, i hope things will be ok...it sounds promising, and your doctor sounds wonderful! i admire your strength and can't wait to read your success story in future posts...

make sure you are waited on hand and foot!!!

xoxoxxoxo:smiliedance:

[FunkyMonkey]

Congratulations on reaching 28 weeks! That is such great progress! You have done so well keeping this bub in! I truly hope everything falls into place for you.
Sending you all my Full-Term pregnancy vibes. (I've still got plenty left after going 6 days over with TJ!)
Good Luck!
Jaime

[Kadwil]

I am so sorry for your losses, I can't imagine what you must be going through. You are a very brave person.

I have everything crossed for you and hope your beautiful baby will arrive safe and well for you.

[littlejoy]

WoW you have been through so much!! What an amazing strong women you are!!! Congratulations on this pregnancy and reaching 28 weeks... May you have many more weeks left of this pregnancy!!!:hugs:

[Tea Lady]

Thanks for updating - I remember reading your story last year.

I really hope the bedrest and meds and everything work out and you have a happy and healthy baby :) Keep us posted :hugs: