Frustrated with the constant questioning

[babyboyJ]

MIL came over today and asked me (again!) when I’m going back to work. My DS is 20 months and I’m 39 weeks pregnant with my second bub (I haven’t worked outside of the home since my son was born). She said ‘will you go back in a few months’? I’m not a very assertive person (wish I could grow a spine!) so usually when the in-laws ask about when I’ll be working I’ll say ‘not sure – we’ll see’. But this time I said ‘no’ and that I didn’t see myself going back into work until the kids were at school and then I’d only be going back part-time. She wasn’t happy about that (because they want to take care of our kids – which is nice – but I want to take care of them myself!) and I found myself trying to explain my choices and reasons etc when really I should have just left it at that. She put in a few guilt trips about how hard it is these days to survive with everything so expensive and basically made me feel like I’m bludging off her hard-working son. He is hard working but, hello, I’m not on holiday either!! Just a bit frustrated. Why do people have to make you feel like a bad person for wanting to be a stay at home mum? :(

[smileygirl]

if you and hubby are happy...then it is none of her business.

Do you know if she worked when her kids were young? if she didn't then next time she asks reply with "oh, how old were your kids when you went back to work?"

i am fighting the same kind of pressure...not so overt yet, but building.

Hang in there...have a great birth and enjoy the time at home with your kids....it is something you can never get back.

[RmumR]

i resigned from my job last week as im not willing to put DD2 into daycare and head back to work.
MIL said she'd mind her to save the daycare expense but i dont want that, im not ready for her to go to daycare or to MIL i want to stay home with her.

i told MIL that if i work CCB goes down for DD1, FTB goes down etc so it doesnt make sense to go back til at least DD1 goes to school so that buys me 2yrs at least.lol

[FiveInTheBed]

oh how frustrating!

I'd be doing they "hmmm.. I'm not sure, when did you go back to work??!" thing too.

And have already done the " -- Oi! you've had your turn at raising kiddies!...it's my turn now *said will a big smile and a laugh!* "

[One of THOSE mums!]

I am so anti mil today.

I used to be like you. Say just enough to shut them up.
But now...I would tell them that no one can give your child the love, patience, attention and time that you can. No other person has invested interest in your child like you do. And no one is going to do it for free.
It is in the best interest of your child that you concentrate on his needs, while ur dh can concentrate on his career knowing that his child and family are cared for.

I would tell your mil that u and ur dh have made a decision as a family, and as a mother she should be supporting his decision.

I am so anti mil today!!!

[Maximum22]

Gah mils are such painful people... Mine keeps asking if she can take my eldest one on a Friday and drop
Him back on a sat to give me a break .... Umm hello he isn't even 2 yet! And he really didn't know you that well nor does he know your house, he has stayed at my parents place before because we are super close to them, and even then we put him to bed and pick him up when we go over for family breakfast! Just because they are grandparents they think they have rights to your children! Pish posh you painful people!

[bellalika]

i resigned from my job last week as im not willing to put DD2 into daycare and head back to work.
MIL said she'd mind her to save the daycare expense but i dont want that, im not ready for her to go to daycare or to MIL i want to stay home with her.

i told MIL that if i work CCB goes down for DD1, FTB goes down etc so it doesnt make sense to go back til at least DD1 goes to school so that buys me 2yrs at least.lol

I'm (very reluctantly) going back to work next month. MIL thinks i'm going back months later than I should have as her DS has had to work to support me and my kids (his too). My Mum is supporting my SAHM dreams.

I've worked out that by working one day a week, taking into account the loss of FTB, I'm working for $120 a day (from $250, all pre tax). $90 if I can't talk Mum into looking after both boys - right now she'll look after DS2 all day and pick up DS1 from occasional care mid afternoon. $60 if both boys need child care.

Stick to your guns and stay home. I don't want to go back to work but have to, even if just for $60.

Oh, and I wouldn't let MIL look after my kids. I don't trust her and neither does DH. We both trust my parents. DS1 has even slept over while we went to three weddings (we slept over too, just got there much later) and when I was in hospital having DS2.

[Losmad]

Hi
I am a stay at hom mum of 3. I was in the banking sector and after falling pregnant when my daughter was 1 my work said "thanks but not thanks".

I didn't go back and realised I was miserable. I have felt like a failure not working, felt inadequate, bored lonely...

It is important if finances permit, to work out what each family needs and how each couple want to run their family. Finding the balance is the key without society pressuring us into working or not working.

Every mother needs to find the balance - it might be full time. part time or 1 day a week or not at all. Motherhood is tough, it is hard work and you are giving constantly. At the moment I am a mum but dying to do something else.

[babyboyJ]

Thankyou very much everyone for your replies!!
It really helps knowing I’m not alone. And thank you for your advice. I’ll be putting it into practice the next time the topic comes up with the in-laws (and it will!)
I keep telling myself that no matter what they say they can’t actually make me do anything I don’t want to. I need to learn how to block it out and not let their words get to me so much! Many Thanks again!!!

[mum2bubba]

MIL came over today and asked me (again!) when I’m going back to work. My DS is 20 months and I’m 39 weeks pregnant with my second bub (I haven’t worked outside of the home since my son was born). She said ‘will you go back in a few months’? I’m not a very assertive person (wish I could grow a spine!) so usually when the in-laws ask about when I’ll be working I’ll say ‘not sure – we’ll see’. But this time I said ‘no’ and that I didn’t see myself going back into work until the kids were at school and then I’d only be going back part-time. She wasn’t happy about that (because they want to take care of our kids – which is nice – but I want to take care of them myself!) and I found myself trying to explain my choices and reasons etc when really I should have just left it at that. She put in a few guilt trips about how hard it is these days to survive with everything so expensive and basically made me feel like I’m bludging off her hard-working son. He is hard working but, hello, I’m not on holiday either!! Just a bit frustrated. Why do people have to make you feel like a bad person for wanting to be a stay at home mum? :(

Sorry your mil is a PITA. I been asked this question a few times and I just explain that when the kids are all in school then I will work and study (though hoping to start studying before they all start school, if I can do a night course). I also explain to people that if I was to work now not only would I be missing out on my kids' milestones etc, but most of my pay would go on daycare costs. If you are happy with your life don't worry about what others think or say.

[Girl X]

Sorry to hear your MIL is making things hard. I've recently decided to stop work (I have an 8mth old DD) and, while family have been great, some friends (without kids) have not been so awesome.

Comments have included "But what will you DO all day?" and "Why don't you just put her in day care?" The 'best' was from my BIL-to-be who, when hearing we have a cleaner twice a week, said to DH "So your wife doesn't work AND she has a cleaner? How lazy is that! I wouldn't put up with that!" :( Luckily DH turned around and said "Come back to me when YOU have kids. I have it easy by going to work."

I know we all say that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - and that's true - but it's still hard not to care, especially when you feel attacked.

One awesome friend told me off for sounding "sheepish" when I told him that I was stopping work. Now I try to bear that in mind, and if anyone questions it I usually say "I love spending time with DD" - and there isn't usually much they can say back to that!

Hope your MIL backs off on that topic soon!

[foxymum87]

hope your mil backs off soon.
I don't have any pressure yet, but lately I feel guilty for being home with my kids. dd's turning 2, and ds is turning 4 later in the year. yet going back to work often means daycare, and in the end you're working to pay for it.
such a bother trying to figure it all out.

[davally]

I returned to work last month when DS was 15 months and had the opposite from my family, why are you going back to work are you sure? Especially as both my SILs are SAHMs. All power to those who can be SAHMs, I am not one of them, as much as I miss DS when I am at work I am much happier (I work part-time). As a PP has said, it is all about finding balance and what works for you. Ignore you ILs, your family, your choice!


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[bissym]

...One awesome friend told me off for sounding "sheepish" when I told him that I was stopping work...



:smiliedance::smiliedance::smiliedance: What a great friend!

[Blonde Assassin]

I don't get any pressure or comments from family members about my 20 month old son not being in childcare - thankfully!

The other Mums in our playgroup ask when my son is going to childcare in a really annoyingly patronizing way. But I know they're just jealous that I have the luxury of being able to work from home, whereas their careers don't allow them to do that so it doesn't bother me! My husband also earns enough so that I don't need a full time job, so it just makes me realize that I'm incredibly lucky in that way, but at the same time, we're not depriving our son of anything by not having him attend childcare!!

I would just brag to your MIL about what a fantastic provider her son is to your family if I were you! Go on about how devoted he is & how much he cares for his children & wife to allow them to have the lifestyle they want :p

[FloatingFairy]

Havent read all responses yet but just wanted to say if you and your hubby are happy and can afford for you to bea SAHM then more power to you!

And if the in-laws so BADLY want to baby sit so you can work....let them just have a day of baby sitting while youa nd DH go have some adult time. Win win!

[BorrisWombatWife]

Hi, after TTC for many years I told my husband that now we have kiddies I would rather eat beans and shop at vinnies than miss a moment. Maybe you could let her know how much you appreciate what you have and enjoy because it goes so fast.

[missie_mack]

She put in a few guilt trips about how hard it is these days to survive with everything so expensive and basically made me feel like I’m bludging off her hard-working son.

Obviously she isn't working herself- next time she makes a comment like this just tell her you didn't realise that things were so financially difficult and offer to lend her $20 :laughing: