MIL's

[flower]

What is it about Mother-in laws that tick us off so much? Just WHAT is it exactly?
Are we going to become the MIL that our DIL's post about in 20years?
Is my son's wife going to hate me?
Why?
I'm just not getting it. Mine's a right pain in the a*** but it's not because she's my MIL.....it's the person she is.....it's her character...but is it a co-incidence that she is also my MIL?
Are they sent here deliberately from out of space to teach us a lesson?
O's mom

[wattle]

I think that besides our mums, MIL's are the only women of their generation that are so close to us. I don't really know a lot of 60+ year old women, and they certainly don't impose their opinions on me like my MIL does.

Saying that, I'm lucky to have a great MIL (a little Italian Mamma!), but her ideas on how to do things are soooooooo out of date, and are also of a different culture, so it's hard to relate. I guess she thinks some of the things I do are weird. She really wanted her first son (my hubby) to have the family heirloom cot (wouldn't have passed an Aust. Safety Standards Test in a million years!!!!) and the vintage (and I mean VINTAGE) pram :eek: and was quite offended when I said no thanks. But I guess it helps if I explain why I do things the way I do. She genuinely tries hard, just her ways are very different. I'm really lucky that dh tells her to pull her head in if she goes a bit overboard.

Now on the other hand is my mother........aaaaaaaagh. There's another story!

Fortunately dads and FIL's (in my family anyway) are just happy to jiggle babies on their knees, and steer away from the mothering advice.

[Benandrewsmum]

I am so hearing you!!! It took me nearly 10 years to come to terms with the fact that my MIL was going to be in my life forever!! Now I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that she is in my son's life forever!!

It is so hard when your inlaws have different values, language, ideas etc from you and those that you want to instill in your children.....I am struggling to cope with that!!

Cheers

[Baby Girl]

I would love to have met my MIL, she sounds wonderful (then again, no-one speaks ill of the dead) but my DP's step mum is a dragon and to make matters worse she refuses to speak english to me or our kids (DP is vietnamese, so is she).

These women are the people who raised our partners whom we love! It would stand to reason that our partners may hold some of the same opinions as their mothers when it comes to parenting - lord knows mine does!! I think this is why men can't see what the problem is with their mothers, they have always looked after them and "I turned out ok" seems to be the general concensus.

I wonder sometimes what my DP thinks about my Mum......

[zenifa]

I've been with DH for nearly 12yrs, married for nearly 5. I've always gotten along really well with my in laws the whole time. Now that we've had our DD (nearly a month ago), the MIL won't stop phoning (couple times/week) and wants to see us all the time. She is jealous as my parents live 5 mins away and she lives 20 mins away. Also we've seen them for the last four weekends in a row, am I asking too much to have a weekend off from seeing family (including my own?) DH is supportive of me, but finds it hard to say no his mum, as he knows she's very keen on seeing her new granddaughter.

I think I've come up with a happy compromise for this weekend, on Sat night MIL and FIL can come over and see granddter and we (DH&I) can go out to dinner on our own for a few hours (as we've had no couples time since DD was born). Is it too soon to leave her for a few hours, with EBM?? I just don't think I can face any more conversations with his family right now. What do you all think? Z

[xkwzit]

Hi Zenifa
I don't think its too soon, and congratulations on the great idea (a very diplomatic solution that's a real win-win). I had friends whose kids stayed with the GPs once or twice a fortnight so that they could have a night out and everyone loved it. If you are really concerned, go to a restaurant not too far away - then you can be home in 10 minutes if you need to. (she'll probably slepp like an angel the whole time... :D )

Cheers

[zenifa]

Thanks xkwzit, I found your comments really supportive and validating my decision. Well DH & I went out for dinner last Sat night (not too far away 10 -15 min drive away) and had a lovely time. DD was with her GP, had a bottle and then slept most of the time and was an angel!!They really enjoyed spending the time with her and are keen to do it again. Once she's a bit older, we plan to get both sets of GP to commit to a night of babysitting (fri or sat nights) on alternating fortnights, so that DH & I have 2 nights a month to ourselves for dinner/movies etc.

You won't believe this though- after having sorted out my in laws, I had probs with my parents last weekend. My parents have been watching way too many backyard makeover/gardening shows and decided to turn our backyard into their latest project (ie do some paving, built a shed and start a vegie patch) - all of this without talking to DH and I first. They turned up on FRi arvo and starting digging a trench for the vegie patch, took out a tree in the back corner of the yard where they think the shed should go and then on Sat arvo had some sleepers and topsoil delivered aNot quite what we had planned for the weekend. We don't mean to sound ungrateful and do appreciate their help, but its the way they go about it - I mean is it too much to ask for them to discuss this with us first? Usually I have really good boundaries with my parents, but with the new baby, recovering from a recent cough/sore throat thing and just generally being tired they've pounced when I've been vulnerable and preoccupied. Okay, I'll stop whinging now. Z:)

[Angel_baby_1982]

Hey Everyone,

I seem to have the MIL from hell, here's the abridged version of our interactions so far, Long to read but believe me this is only the highlights;

When DH and I were dating she kept telling him he could "do better", right infront of me!

When we moved in together she'd call almost every day trying to convince him to come home.

When we got engaged she told him he should be 'playing the field' rather than tying himself down at such a young age (he proposed 4 months before his 18th b'day), she also accused me of being pregnant!

We were engaged 2.5 yrs before getting married, the whole time she was trying to split us up.

We announced in June 2003 that the wedding would be that December. MIL has hep C, she'd delayed treatment almost 10 yrs because it would make her bed-ridden for 3 months. She went straight to the doc and started treatment so that she'd be at the worst part in December, then told DH he couldn't get married because she wouldn't be able to go to the wedding, so DH told her he'd just have to move the wedding up closer :D

She HATED that! FIL decided he'd had enough of her crap at this point and asked for a dicorce, which she blames me for.

I foolishly felt sorry for her at this point because without FIL's income she couldn't afford the mortgage payments, so I suggested we move in and help her out financially, that and being bed ridden she'd need help around the house.

When it got closer to the wedding she hid my veil, tore up the invitations, threw out my guest list and important phone numbers, and generally was impossible to live with.

2 weeks before the wedding I was 8 weeks pregnant, Hubby and I had been ttc for 8 months already (started ttc before we set the wedding date), MIL picked up on it since I had severe morning sickness and when Hubby was at work she attacked me! Hubby came home early, right in the middle of it, and went ballistic at her. We moved out at this point, and that night I lost the baby. The wedding went ahead inspite of her, much to her disgust.

Over the next 12 months she made repeated comments (and a few threats) trying to prevent us having kids. We were of course ttc at the time, but she didn't know it.


12 months after the wedding we were pregnant again, we didn't breathe a word to her until I was 12 weeks, she was visably upset about it but seemed to understand that we didn't give a damn.

Now we have a 2 month old and she is constantly telling me not to forget my b/c routein because she dosen't want us to have another one for at least 5 yrs. Bugger her, we plan on ttc early next year.

I simply cannot forgive her for causing my m/c. DH can't either but refuses to talk about it.

More than anything I can't understand why we still speak to her! DH refuses to cut her out of our lives, I'm honestly terrified of what she could be capable of, I wouldn't put it past her to hurt our baby, what can I do to protect him? :confused:

[jamb]

I too wonder if it is a coincidence that inlaw personalities are the way they are or if their personality grates me as they are inlaws????

My MIL is bearable but the FIL- I see red. I am trying really hard to accept the differences for the sake of my bub however feel he keeps pushing the limit further and further.

For example, we were at a wedding over the weekend and bub was overtired during ceremony so I wandered off to try and put him to sleep. FIL comes over and as always says "I'll take him". And I said no its time for a sleep. He then stood there and overstimulated bub until he had gone from borderline sleep to ready to get overtired.

Then there was no way he was going to sleep and he says "You dont want to sleep do you, you want to play with grandpa" OMG he makes me look like i am the hopeless parent who cant read my own child and he is this superdad who knows all about children.

My hubby sees what is happening but is stuck wanting to please both. I say to him it is a lesson for us to not repeat the pattern.

Sorry that turned into a vent.........

[Lucybelle]

There's some pretty scary stories here, I don't know what to say!

I'm pg again and haven't told anyone yet - I'm happy never to tell MIL. She is not as bad as some of these MILs - she is just always telling me what to do. I'm 32, my own parents don't tell me what to do!

She cannot take no for an answer - and I'm not the shy type either so it always ends up with her being offended

ie - why dont you go to Freeedom furniture and get one of those package deals?
me - I don't really like that type of furniture.
her - but it''s a really good deal.
me- but I just don't like that stuff, it's not me, and anyway, I'm in no hurry and I'm looking forward to trawling around little shops looking for interesting pieces.
her - yes, but it's a very good idea to get it all at once.
me - I'm not really concerned about that, I would rather get what I like, it might take a while and I've been collecting pieces for ages.
her - but it's a good idea, they have good deals.
me- I don't really like it.
her - but its good.
me - Jill, it's crap furniture and mass produced ****, I'm not paying for that.
her - sniff - well I bought my couch from there I thinks it's lovely.
me - yes it is Jill.
her - you should drink more milk.
me - I'm lactose intolerant, remember.

It's like she has to keep going until I agree with her on some point. Thing is she always seems to pick something I'm passionate about. I'm not a snob about furniture, but I love old, creepy houses and nanna furniture. The worst thing is, even if I did see something I did like at freedom (it is possible) I could never buy it now!!

I wish she would say something I COULD agree with just to shut her up, I hate answering the phone because I'll be told what to do again. I hope they go away again when bub is due or else she will be beating down the door at the birth centre. AAAHHH!

This turned into a little vent - sorry to bore you.

[jamb]

That conversation made me laugh!!! Quite obviously they must wonder how we ever got by without their help/knowledge...... ggrrrrrrr

[ThomasMum]

He he Lucybelle, that conversation cracks me up LOL.
You know you could prolly make fortune out of those conversations, sell the scripts, pitch a new sitcom could be the next of “Everybody Loves Raymond” or something because it’s just funny!
Sorry, I wasn't being rude at all :o
Congrats btw with your preg :D

[zenifa]

Angel Baby
Hugs to you, what an amazing woman you are to be able to tolerate the MIL from hell. It makes my parents and inlaws seem quite normal and supportive in comparison.
I hope that you get good support from your DH!! Z :)

[Angel_baby_1982]

DH used to make excuses for his mother, until I lost the baby. That was when something in him snapped! He REALLY wanted to be a daddy and the fact his mother 'murdered' his first child really got to him.

Now if she so much as raises her voice to me he gets really protective. I love it of course but it's sad it took such an awful event for him to stand up to her.

[BubbleBelly]

Angel_baby_1982, your MIL sounds horrible!
I had a m/c after my ex-MIL-to-be had me extremely distressed about the plans of my wedding! I didn't want to tell her about the m/c because i knew she'd blame it on me somehow. My ex told her one night when i wasn't there and her reply was
"this will be our little secret"

Some people are just so damn nasty!

[Supermum]

This thread just popped out at me and said "Deborah, these women know the pain of a crappy MIL". I've read all of the posts and feel for you - Angel Baby ... I'm sorry for the nasty piece you have had to deal with.

So here I am and ready to share a couple of stories if I may???

When hubby and I had been dating for about six months I met the future MIL & FIL. MIL said "She's a little larger than I anticipated"

When I announced I was pregnant over dinner I was met with stony silence and then a "Well I suppose I should congratulate you even though the child will be a *******"

While pregnant she told me on more than one occasion that she had three children and never got as fat or looked as bad as I did.

When friends were throwing a baby shower for me she said "How common Deborah, no one in my family would ever do something so tacky"

Two days after having my son she said very loudly in a room full of people "My god Deborah, what are you wearing - couldn't you have made an effort. All of these people have come to visit you". I was very swollen still from severe oedema and couldn't fit into normal clothes so I still had maternity gear on not to mention in the throes of the baby blues.

My son had severe reflux and was a very unhappy baby. I went out one day for ten minutes and came home to find my in-laws there. She said "It must be you, he wasn't crying while you were gone and he's never cried for me, maybe he doesn't like you".

This one was the last straw as I already felt like a useless mother. So I turned my back on her and said "Goodbye, don't let the gate hit your **** on the way out". The difference now is that how she feels about me is inconsequential - you know mind over matter ... and she doesn't matter :)

She lives 15 minutes away, sees the kids maybe once every two months and gives us no assistance. Her loss.

Hugs to all of you with horrid in laws.

[Kerry35]

Oh AngelBaby, you too!

My MIL was similar to yours! Here are a few stories to tell you.

While engaged, MIL tried to break us up repeatedly. Also threaten to disown her only child, now my DH.

Two months before our wedding, MIL gave DH an ultimatum, is me or her! He chose me of course. MIL then played silly games with us for the two months leading up to the wedding...at first there was the silence for two months (I didnt mind!) and then they refused to say whether they were coming to the wedding or not! The week before the wedding they said they were coming.

On my wedding day, she loudly proclaim that our marriage would not last past the first anniversary, much to my parents disgust.

Would only "allow" my DH to visit them (they lived in Nowra, us in Sydney). When my DS came along, he was also "allowed" to visit but not me.

At our fourth wedding anniversary, MIL announced that if we made to our fifth wedding anniversary, she will then make an effort to tolerate me. How generous!

I always made sure that I was never alone with her at any time, as she had made a habit of attacting me verbally and then lying to my DH & FIL when they came back into the room, telling fibs about what I said to her and crying crocodile tears! After a couple of years of this, both my DH & FIL had enough of her antics and basically told her to get her act together. She blames me of course for "getting them on my side".

Needless to say, I rarely see my In-Laws. my FIL is the sweetest guy but she is the dominant partner and he wont stand up to her. Hence they are missing out on the kids.

MIL thinks that she has the final say regarding the visiting arrangements, but little does she know that I CHOOSE not to go to Nowra anymore and the kids dont go either if I dont go.

As my DH keeps telling me, it's better to agree with her than try and tell her the way it is as she cannot see it from another person's point of view. But I was never raised that way and was taught to respect other people's views/opinions.

There are others...too many to mention....you're not alone!!

[Angel_baby_1982]

it is really comforting to know I'm not the only one. Kerry, Supermum, Bubble belly, everyone, thanks for sharing your experiences.

I just passed what would have been my baby's first birthday, it was ironic that MIL chose that precise day to demand we bring Tommy around to see her. DH promptly told her we would not be coming, when he told her why she said "Oh you two aren't still sore about that are you? That was ages ago, get over it already!" He hung up on her.

I'm not sure what she was hopeing to achieve by saying that, it just means she'll not be seeing her grandson even longer.

Time may heal all wounds but my MIL's attitude seems to be prolonging the healing for us.

[Milly]

I've been with DH for nearly 12yrs, married for nearly 5. I've always gotten along really well with my in laws the whole time. Now that we've had our DD (nearly a month ago), the MIL won't stop phoning (couple times/week) and wants to see us all the time. She is jealous as my parents live 5 mins away and she lives 20 mins away. Also we've seen them for the last four weekends in a row, am I asking too much to have a weekend off from seeing family (including my own?) DH is supportive of me, but finds it hard to say no his mum, as he knows she's very keen on seeing her new granddaughter.


Do we have the same MIL (and the same husband)? :) That is exactly like mine and a very similar situation. Only my MIL lives and hour away. We are still getting the constant (and I mean constant. It never stops) asking to stay over for the weekend well over a year on. It's not at we don't want to come (sort of LOL - and we visited reasonably often in our daughter's first year anyway. We rarely had a weekend to ourselves to get anything done) but that we can't come. My husband has crazy work hours and we are very busy with our own jobs and projects on the weekend. We just don't sit at home and twiddle our fingers wondering what to do with ourselves. She sees g'daughter regularly anyway, but that is just not good enough. She wants us there at her house to stay for the weekend. Her lack of understanding drives me up the wall with that. I just want her to be patient. Things might happen if she stops nagging. I also don't want to go up under duress either because we have been nagged into it. Ahhh :D

Anyway... :D

[Pixie]

hmm kinda glad I found this, although not sure many will see it.

My MIL is Turkish, my SO and I have been together over 7 and a half years and she has never stopped bantering on about marriage, despite being divorced herelf etc.

When we told her I was PG she screamed in Turkish we did it to hurt her I was a ***** and the child was a *******. And got into her car and drove off, this didn't surprise me but yeah it hurt.. A LOT

Tonight nearly 6 weeks later she calls and SO is out work function :(

She said why hadn't we gone to visit her, we were treating her badly, she then started with the whole marriage speil and said we shouldn't have gone to visit my family in the UK, and we should of used the money for a wedding.

we are not planning on getting married anytime soon. BTW

She then said probably the most hurtful thing to me I am adopted BTW she said I don't want my grandchild growing up like you, a *******.

I just hung up the phone I was so upset, my abdomen started to cramp, my heart raced and I cried and cried.

I then called my mum who is very controlling lol and said I am so upset, she offered me comfort. which was a god send

But I just wanted to share I am feeling horrible right now, no one to talk too, I know I am a good person who grew up well and who knows we will rasie our child as any loving parents do married or not married.

Am I wrong to be so upset?

Honestly if she keeps on this way she have very little chance of seeing her grandchild.

Thanks for listning

[Angel_baby_1982]

{{{HUGS}}}

I know how you feel, and you have every reason to be upset. As long as your DH stands by you, that's all you and your baby need, bugger her.

I tried to find the best in my MIL, I wanted her to be a part of her grandson's life, but her behaviour showed without doubt she didn't deserve it, and your mil is showing you the same thing. You don't need her, realise now what I realised when my son was 3 days old: You're better off just forgetting about her, tell her flat out that unless she shapes up she will never know her grandchild, then ignore her till she shows she has changed. In my case this will never happen but we are so much happier with her out of our lives.