My useless husband...

[4intheBed]

How much time does your husband/partner spend with you and the kids after work and does he do any housework?

My husband gets home, spends around 20 mins with my daughter and I, then heads off to the computer room. I dont see him again until he comes to bed. We do one family thing on the weekend, mainly saturday morning then he is either on the computer or out.

My family or friends are over the other side of Australia, I also have full care of my daughter and have from day dot. I have only been away from her twice since she was born 2 years ago, once was a doctors appointment and the other was something for a close family member who passed away.

Not having any friends that are in similar situations or that I even want to share this with I feel lost.

I dont expect him to do housework, as I would prefer he spend time with our daughter then do the washing, but I am 6 months pregnant and when I had the flu a few weeks back he did nothing at all to help... not even a cup of tea. I spoke to him about it, he says ohhh Im sorry my love... but it is just in one ear and out the other.
Lol I started this thread to find out how other families worked and now I have gotten myself all sad.

I am just disappointed... where did I go wrong?

[earthfairy]

Im sorry that you are feeling this way.

Maybe you need to sit your DH down & tell him all of this, calmly & without making it sound like you are attacking him.

Men seem to get their back up when using terms like "you never...." etc....
Try saying, "when you do/dont do this, it makes me feel....."
Can you sort out some sort of roster for house work?

As for the 20 minutes a day spent with you - I would kill for that - my DH works away for 2 months at a time so even 5 minutes to see him with my DD would be gold to me. Sorry I cant help you with that.
But yes, when he is home, he does help out with housework.....

Wishing you the best of luck, i hope you get some rest & much needed change soon!

EF x

[Freya]

I agree with Earthfairy, sit down with your husband and discuss how you're feeling without attacking him. I find this is the best way to get my DH to understand what he is/isn't doing when it comes to the kids or anything else I need help with. Normally we work great, but I've been really sick with morning sickness the last couple of weeks and have had to tell him I really need his help whilst I am feeling like this. I told him exactly what I needed and he has gone above and beyond that. They can't read minds so if you tell him it might help. Good luck :hugs:

[mrskylie]

My DH loves the computer room also.

But when he comes home from work about 3.30-4pm he spends time with DD1 either on the swings or reading, playing. One of us will cook dinner and the other will shower/bath DD1 then feed DD2(formula fed babe) Once the girls are in bed then i "let" him go on the computer for a bit.

when i was pregnant he had to do alot more around the house coz i was so sick,cook pretty much everynight for 7mths, washing, vacuming ect. I am lucky he does just get in and do it, but i do almost have to monitor his computer use :laughing: It is something he enjoys and i have a couple of tv shows i like to watch and a few art projects i want to complete, so i just do that when he is on the computer, or i get on bubhub on my laptop hehe.

When u have 2 kids in the house u will need 4 hands around dinner time, im sure he will step up and help, just communicate with him what u want...thats always the best :)

best of luck for bubby #2

[*babygirl*]

Dp spends his whole afternoon/evening with DD and she tucks HIM in for bed lol!! He plays his DS for a bit but is still interactive with DD.
They feed the animals and go on the swing then she will tell him a million stories and they might watch a movie together or do her 'learning patch book' (an activity book aimed at prep kids) he Isnt much help with dinner as he takes so long and even with his best intentions I get frustrated and kick him out of the kitchen lol

I would just suggest talking to him or giving him some specific tasks you need done first each day before computer time iykwim. Sometimes they need specific directions to be useful!!

[4intheBed]

I have made attempts to address it in the past but I get the ... I work all day ... I dont expect the house to be spotless... and if u cant handle one maybe we shouldnt be having more.

All I have ever wanted is to be a mum, and its not that I cant handle it, I just dont think it has to be so hard sometimes... I actually stuggle more on weekends knowing he could help but doesnt.

I am lucky that he comes home every night (not a partier), respects my decisions like co-sleeping, homeschooling etc, perhaps its win some lose some.

I was hoping to find it was normal lol

Maybe its time I talked to him again.

[Daydream Believer]

Another vote for a talk :) and I agree, you'll get nowhere with emotional talk. Make sure you're in a good mood, have thought about the MAIN issue and stick to it. Throwing in the kitchen sink in an attempt to back up my argument completely voids any progress I make with dh. If he feels I'm keeping tabs then all of a sudden, my issue becomes unimportant and it turns into a fight.

Do you have a family dinner? Maybe you can implement that while you're cooking dinner he can help dd set the table? He could even take over bath time? My Dh and ds have a ball at bath time, and it leaves me a little more freedom when cooking dinner (I put dd 5 months in the front pack).

The time to do it is BEFORE bub arrives. It will get worse after, and you won't have the energy to address the situation as un-emotionally as now, (what, with all the newborn-craziness) :)

[4intheBed]

My DH loves the computer room also.

When u have 2 kids in the house u will need 4 hands around dinner time, im sure he will step up and help :)



He actually said that I had better start freezing some family meals for when I come out of the hospital... he suggests a coupe of weeks worth should get me through.

You are all right, it is time for a long talk.

[Pippy&Woof]

I can sympathise with u completely on this matter! My DH goes through periods of trying to be more attentive with the kids and I, and being generally helpful. But it never seems to last very long. On the recent long weekend he roped us into going to work with him for "10 minutes" which turned out to be 2 hours waiting for patients. He then also went to work on Sunday afternoon, and I ended up having to cancel our plans to go to a friends BBQ as it was just me and 2 tired and cranky kids. Monday he spent installing new deadlocks and such around the house, which is fine... But then he went to work before the kids got up on Tuesday morning, invited people over last night, then the kids and I had ito drive him to the airport at 6am this morning (otherwise they wouldn't see him before he left) and he'll be away for 2 weeks or so. I struggle to even get in the shower, even when he's home! And he constantly gets phone calls and emails for work.

I've never had any time away from the kids, but now I feel as if everything will fall apart if I do leave them! I threw up every single day during both pregnancies, and when pregnant with DS I had a 1 year old DD to look after. He never helped me at all. The only help I ever got was when my Mum occasionally came up to visit (they live 2 hours away, so I'm lucky they are close-ish), and even though I had 2 c-sections he still never helped me! I even had gastro on Christmas Day when 26 weeks pregnant with DS, and he got cross at me because I wasn't drinking enough!

I'm like u, and am happy to do the housework so that he has time to spend with the kids (not that he'd do housework anyway), but I get so annoyed when I walk in and he's on his iPhone checking work emails and such. The only thing he does now really is occasionally load the dishwasher and get a few things from the shops for me, which I do appreciate. But he still doesn't seem to be able to handle the kids (especially both) for more than 20 mins at a time, even though they're 2 years 8 months and 11 months old! I really wish he would just forget his work when he comes home. I know he's really busy and has A LOT on his plate, but so do I and the kids love him. I don't want to be the only one who is close to my kids, I want them to be able to go to their Dad for advice and stuff too. If something happened to me they'd need him to be there for them. It worries me that he'd just hire a nanny or get his Mum to move in (I don't get along with her and she's far too old to look after young kids). But I guess there's only so much I can do.

He does try sometimes.. But I wish he would understand that sometimes is not enough...

[Daydream Believer]

In reply to 'I work all day'
Boy that bugs me!!!!
When you have your friendly chat, remind him (ever so kindly) that you do work also, and while you both chose which roles you would each play, you do the things you do to benefit the family. Unless he didn't want the 2nd, you both wanted to grow your family, and that means more work for both of you.

Ask him (very calmly) if he thinks it's fair that his work day should start at 7am and end at 5pm (or whatever) but yours should start at 5am and end at 7pm (and soon, when #2 arrives through the might too) be sure to say you're not trying to play 'whose job is hader' but your just after a bit of help. After the 'work day' is done, if you both roll up your sleeves and get it all done as a team, then there's more 'adult time' PLUS, you will be that little bit less tired, and feeling pretty happy with helpful hubby, who knows what could happen??? ;)
MEN!!! Grrr!
Now I'm grumpy and MY dh and he is helpful (when told specifically how to be helpful, and also not ashamed that he can't do anything without being asked and/or told how)

[bellalika]

Throw an absolute tantrum. I mean a stinker. I know it sounds childish and I'm sure others will advise against it, but it worked for me. Mostly because it is so out of character. DH use to leave everything to me and have little to do with DS, even planning cricket etc for out valuable weekend time. Talking to him did no good. His family talking to him did no good (I tried getting them to chat - they may not have but said they did). One full blown tantrum followed by me dumping DS on him while I walked around the block to cool off helped snap him out of it. Turns out he was resenting his loss of 'me' time and claiming it whenever he could. (don't get me started on that ...) It took time after that but it has improved.

In short, try chucking a wobbly. May or may not work, but it did for me.

[4intheBed]

I

If something happened to me they'd need him to be there for them. It worries me that he'd just hire a nanny or get his Mum to move in (I don't get along with her and she's far too old to look after young kids). But I guess there's only so much I can do.


I too have felt that if I was not here my daughter would go without. That she would be raised by my MIL, and that scares the hell out of me, she is a very nasty woman. We lived with her for a bit, I actually caught her trying to stuff up the meals I was cooking when I walked away for a min, she scowls at me when my husband turns his head, these are only the small things she does too lol. She has become my will to live :p

It must have been very hard with your c-section recovery and looking after both little ones. Do you have any resentment towards your husband for his lack of support? As I am sure that if he stubbed his toe you would be there for him.
Have you just come to a point where you accept that it is how it is, and if you have did it bring relief?

Do you have any advice for coping with a young child and a newborn pretty much alone? As I will possibly be there in 3 months time.




Thanks Chelleylane, I will have a chat with him, by the time I normally do it I have reached tears and end up venting everything, which obviously isnt working.

bellalika, your comment made me giggle. I will try the serious calm one first, then if it doesnt improve within a couple of weeks I will chuck a huge wobbly, I liked the walking thing you did, very effective leaving him all of a sudden to deal with things.

[waterlily]

Yep I agree with EF.

DH spends every minute he is home with DD he also cooks and cleans ALOT! I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd prefer to be single that have to look after another "child", especially a lazy, selfish one.

[4intheBed]

Yep I agree with EF.

DH spends every minute he is home with DD he also cooks and cleans ALOT! I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd prefer to be single that have to look after another "child", especially a lazy, selfish one.

I have honestly come close to that, however I couldnt stand the thought of my daughter living between two homes, me having to go back to work and her possibly in daycare, all over something that I could live with and should have been more mindful of before she came along, its such a hard decision to make... atleast this way she does see him each night even if its not alot and we can have our days together. I would also not feel confident leaving her in his hands and feel that she would probably end up being looked after by the dreaded MIL.

[Benji]

I'm not a SAHM, sorry to crash your thread...

I'm a f/t working mum and when I get in the door after being at work since 8 am it's a team effort. I cannot IMAGINE having the audacity to say to my DP that "I work all day so I get to sit on my bum". He'd never pull that line on me.

As I mentioned in another thread - what do these fathers think single mothers and working mothers do when they get home, we don't get a break!

Tell him to man up and be a parent.

You work all day too so tell him the next time he pulls the "I work all day" card on you "at least you get paid for your work - here's a cloth".

[Boobycino]

My DP is quite similar. Though what he dies in housework he makes up for in critism of rhe general state of the house. I challenge him to go a single day without having an issue with a wet floor or dirty surface. Yesterday was a prime example he comes home says hi, goes and has a nap. Then comments about the dishes - though I'd washed them. Comments that there's a dirty teatowel on the lawn though he doesn't pick it up yet ud hung out washing then the final
straw was commenting on a wet floor in the bathroom even though I'd CLEANED it. THEN can't find any socks for Jasper in the draw, yet I find them straight away and HE in exasperation says ' oh I give up!' like walking around critiquing me as a housekeeper is so taxxjng.

I'm sooooo excited...

... As of next week DP is a part time SAHD !!!

Mwah ha ha ha!!! Time for a reality check buster!!!

I can't wait to come home going 'what's for dinner? What's that on the floor? Whys Jasper wet?' etc!!!

Then the following week or so (once he's had a good chance to have a hard time of it) I'll start organizing things, maybe cooking dinner and putting on washing because really, I want him to see how much he'll value help, so when the tides turn back he'll hopefully remember and help me the same.

Here's hoping!!

[MamaC]

:hugs:
Oh yes, this is something I have struggled with too.
We've talked and talked and talked about it. I've chucked wobblies, done the whole lot. He does do stuff when I ask him, otherwise there's a lot of time being spent on the computer or snoozing on the bed, until dinner bath and bed, at which time he is fairly hands on.

TBH, I have accepted that the housework is my responsibility. I just got so tired of being angry about chores all the time that I accepted it and started working on finding the joy in providing a clean home for myself and my family :rolleyes: :laughing:. But the care of the children, in my opinion, should be 50/50 when he's home. He helped to create the children, he needs to help raise them.

:hugs: it sounds like you are doing a great job and he just needs to step up with the kids. Definately have that talk with him, EarthFairy gave some great tips.

[4intheBed]

As I mentioned in another thread - what do these fathers think single mothers and working mothers do when they get home, we don't get a break!
.

I dont know how working women do handle the load, they must not stop moving! Though today getting on here I have strayed but my usual day I devote entirely to cleaning and my daughter, if I run out of things to do, we find something or I start spring cleaning a room, I do stop everything at 7pm and read with my daughter then rest with her. Throwing in a full time job ontop of that would break me. These women have my respect.

[4intheBed]

My DP is quite similar. Though what he dies in housework he makes up for in critism of rhe general state of the house. I challenge him to go a single day without having an issue with a wet floor or dirty surface. Yesterday was a prime example he comes home says hi, goes and has a nap. Then comments about the dishes - though I'd washed them. Comments that there's a dirty teatowel on the lawn though he doesn't pick it up yet ud hung out washing then the final
straw was commenting on a wet floor in the bathroom even though I'd CLEANED it. THEN can't find any socks for Jasper in the draw, yet I find them straight away and HE in exasperation says ' oh I give up!' like walking around critiquing me as a housekeeper is so taxxjng.

I'm sooooo excited...

... As of next week DP is a part time SAHD !!!



Wow, I have heard those before... the towel in the bathroom smells... Well change it then!!!! The floor has crumbs on it.... well sweep it up! And on the extremely rare occasion that he has helped with anything, he complained so much and found a million things should have already been done... I cant find anything in this cupboard..etc that it was honestly easier to do it myself.

I am actually excited with you, he will get the shock of his life!

[bumMum]

Sorry not a stay at home mum but I agree with benji! What is up with these men? I work outside the home and I don't get to come home and put my feet up! Neither does dp! Seriously these guys don't know how lucky they are.

[Pregnor]

Heaps! He looks after ds from the minute he gets home. They go and do the gardening and play outside, then have a bath or shower together. Dh will sometimes then organise dinner if i hadn't and ds will 'help'. He also brushes his teeth every might and puts him to bed. They often have outings together on weekends so i can sleep in too

He also does 50 percent of the housework.

He used to be one of those 'what did you do all day then?' husbands, until he spent time as a SAHD, and now he knows how hard it can be, he knows that he needs to pull his own weight.

[Boobycino]

^^^ that's what I'm hoping. It'll only be for 6 weeks, but I hope enough to get the picture!

[Stampy]

I haven't read every single reply thoroughly, but agree with having a chat.

I'm not sure how you'd go about it, but reading up on constructive conversations (http://www.humannatureatwork.com/constructive-conversations.html) might help?

I was made to do a course at work aaaaaages ago, but recently found that stuff again and thought it makes sense.

Good luck :)

[FunKy~Mummy]

My husband can be both wonderful and then soooooooooo the other side of wonderful it's not funny He walks inside and checks FB before anything. The kids can talk to him and he can totally tune them out and he can step over a mess on the floor or in the kitchen and has domestic blindness sooooooooooooooooooo bad. He says don't get angry with me just ask me to do what you want me to do. I am way too independant for that annnnnnnnnnnd I am not your mum your an adult you see it needs to be done DO IT!!!!
He gets to comfy and gets lazy BUT!!! he is my best friend, he checks in on me everyday, he looked after me when I was assaulted and in a wheelchair and had to do everything for me DS, DD and struggle with my PTSD too. He has taken on my beautiful boy who has Autism as his own and never shows any difference ever to our daughter. The thing is, when he starts getting to comfy and lazy we do talk. My last marriage I did everything for my ex every little thing you could think of he was the laziest man I ever met!!
I love being a homemaker!!! I love doing most of the stuff but if he didn't take time to be with our kids, to play with them and to get of the computer when he saw I was getting really cranky and come and apologise we wouldn't be together. I know he works but I work hard here looking after the house, making sure the house runs smoothly, getting kids to appointments and looking after everyone!!!
I say communication!!! if you can't communicate with your partner your in trouble!!!

[PurpleStars]

My DP is quite similar. Though what he dies in housework he makes up for in critism of rhe general state of the house. I challenge him to go a single day without having an issue with a wet floor or dirty surface. Yesterday was a prime example he comes home says hi, goes and has a nap. Then comments about the dishes - though I'd washed them. Comments that there's a dirty teatowel on the lawn though he doesn't pick it up yet ud hung out washing then the final
straw was commenting on a wet floor in the bathroom even though I'd CLEANED it. THEN can't find any socks for Jasper in the draw, yet I find them straight away and HE in exasperation says ' oh I give up!' like walking around critiquing me as a housekeeper is so taxxjng.

I'm sooooo excited...

... As of next week DP is a part time SAHD !!!

Mwah ha ha ha!!! Time for a reality check buster!!!

I can't wait to come home going 'what's for dinner? What's that on the floor? Whys Jasper wet?' etc!!!

Then the following week or so (once he's had a good chance to have a hard time of it) I'll start organizing things, maybe cooking dinner and putting on washing because really, I want him to see how much he'll value help, so when the tides turn back he'll hopefully remember and help me the same.

Here's hoping!!

Sorry to crash the thread, but I wanted to say 'hope you start a thread to tell us ALL about it. :D

My hubby is helpful around the house - but it can be in a huffy 'because YOU didn't get to it' kind of way that leaves me feeling like crap. He works long hours and is great with spending time with the girls after work for the 1 and half hours til their bedtime. But your post sounds alot like the attitude my DH can put on about the state of the house.

[Pippy&Woof]

I too have felt that if I was not here my daughter would go without. That she would be raised by my MIL, and that scares the hell out of me, she is a very nasty woman. We lived with her for a bit, I actually caught her trying to stuff up the meals I was cooking when I walked away for a min, she scowls at me when my husband turns his head, these are only the small things she does too lol. She has become my will to live :p

It must have been very hard with your c-section recovery and looking after both little ones. Do you have any resentment towards your husband for his lack of support? As I am sure that if he stubbed his toe you would be there for him.
Have you just come to a point where you accept that it is how it is, and if you have did it bring relief?

Do you have any advice for coping with a young child and a newborn pretty much alone? As I will possibly be there in 3 months time.

We lived with my MIL for a bit too! For 9 months, and I can honestly say that was probably the worst 9 months of my life!! She was so undermining, and just wanted to baby DH. She even told me I was "pretty, but not that pretty..." !!!! She is a nutcase. We live on the other side of the country to her now, but DH wants her to move over here! I told him he might aswell just give me the divorce papers now.

It was really hard recovering from my c-sections, I really don't know how I did it. But I guess getting through the months and months of vomiting by myself (and with a toddler) taught me to do it all on my own. I do sometimes resent him for not helping me. I sometimes get a flashback and I just feel bewildered, then I start to feel angry towards him. He had a lot going on in terms of work and stuff too, he always does.. but ur wife and child are surely supposed to be more important. I blame DH, but more than that I blame MIL.. she taught him to be completely useless. I mean he is a very educated man, so clever and has done very well for himself.. but he just has no idea when it comes to the "menial" stuff at home. He doesn't consider any of it is his "role". The night our DD was born (our first child), his mother told him not to do anything and don't get up to the baby.. that it was the nurses' job!!!!! (I am a nurse too, so that p@*#d me off even more!) I can't believe she would tell him not to get up to his own baby.. especially since I was laying in bed unable to move!

I guess in some ways I have come to accept that I will probably always be running around like a mad person doing everything for everyone. But what I don't accept is me being the only one "parenting" the children. I didn't get married and have children to be the only one raising them, they deserve both their parents to be there for them. And with the housework, it's not so much the work itself that bothers me.. it's the extra mess that he makes. He is working away at the moment, and once I clean up the initial mess it is soooo much easier to keep the house clean. Even with 2 young kids messing it up! All I really even ask of him is that his clothes and shoes are off the floor and his desk is tidy (it's in our room and looks terrible). But that is always too much to ask..

My advice would be to simplify things and expect less of urself, because as soon as u put too much pressure on urself to have everything perfect u will just lose the plot. For the first few months really. Simplify meals. And like I mentioned in another thread recently, don't beat urself up if the only thing u manage to get on the dinner table is chicken nuggets and macaroni cheese. They will survive. If u try to hard to keep everything perfect and everyone happy, u will only end up disappointed. I am a perfectionist, so that was very hard for me. Not getting to wash my hair for a week was one of the hardest things, as I never had any help and never had the time to get in the shower for more than 3 seconds (often with the baby crying in the bouncinette in the bathroom!). Order ur groceries online if u can. Keep nappy changing supplies in as many places as possible, so u are not running from room to room trying to get things. Buy a few small toys and books to put away for ur toddler, that u can bring out when u need to keep them entertained or when they've been extra good. Buy a little baby doll and give ur toddler a few newborn nappies and clothes so that they can play along (if u can, get one that can go in the bath.. my DD loves to bath her "baby" while I bath my baby). Accept that the housework is going to suffer, and don't ever feel like ur not doing a good enough job! No matter what ur DH says or thinks!

My DH still often comes home and asks me what I've done all day. And the thing with changing the towels and stuff... urrrrrgh! When he lived with his Mum, they used a new towel every single day! And then they'd just chuck it on the floor and she would come and pick them all up!

Just remember, it's going to be hard work.. but it WILL get easier and pretty soon u'll forget what it was like to only have one child :)

[ashie2011]

Hi,
I understand where your coming from. My hubby gets home at 4:30pm he does help with bath time but as soon as thats done, its what for dinner, etc. He works on Saturdays and is at tafe 2 nights a week. I know that he is tired but he DOES NOT help me at all, and complains when I ask for help. He often sayd to me when I say I've had a hard day "I'd love to sit at home with bub all day!!!" Ive been struggling with PND and was in hospital for a week with it and am still attending hospital visits, there is a slight change in the way he and I get along and communicate but not really, Im so exhausted because he seems to not give a **** about what I'm going through. He loves our son to bits and will often give him a kiss when he walks through the door and I barely get a hello then he's on the computer to check out the latest cricket or football scores. He only gives my son maybe 2 bottles a week, I will ask him and he flat out says "Nah I dont feel like it. He has only once of the last 6 months gotten out of bed at night, and my son used to scream all night until he was approx 9 weeks old.
We have sat down and talked about it, but most the time he isn't interested in talking because he wants to "enjoy" the last 2 hours of his day before he goes to bed.
I often ask myself Where did we go wrong aswell.
Hang in there hopefully things will improve before baby number 2 comes along.

Oh and if anyone has tips please throw em at me :)

[trishalishous]

dammit my reply was eaten.
we are equal in housework/childrearing.

[Shanaynay]

Reading this thread has left me very depressed and demoralised. :(

I don't understand why anyone would put up with that lack of interest and interaction in their families and households that these men show.

It's not the 1950's. This is not normal. When your sons and daughters watch you live life like this, they will grow up believing this is normal and behave the same way. :(

[One of THOSE mums!]

My Df would be on the computer all the time if he could. Instead we have a rule that he plays with Ds until I have done everything I need to, dinner, dishes, folding washing etc. Then we have at least an hour of 'us' time whether it be just sitting on the couch or playing cards or something equally daggy. And we always go to bed at the same time.
In between us time and bed time we have some time to ourselves. We also schedule time for ourselves on the weekend. Otherwise I would have him flat out doing jobs.
Sit him down and talk to him. A successful relationship needs constant attention which he isn't giving you. And as a pp said it is not setting a good example for your kids.

[One of THOSE mums!]

If all else fails kill the modem!!!

[4intheBed]

Thank you everyone for your advice. It has helped me more than you probably realise.

I sat him down and spoke to him about it, it was a long calm conversation, we both expressed our views... unfortunetly it was not the outcome I was looking for, however after time to reflect, I thought about being an example to my daughter, about having a relationship with my husband, I thought about family time and what I am capable of handling.

I have decided, for a happier family life, I will continue to carry the load, but with a smile, no complaining. My daughter will be more effected by my grumpiness towards my husband than whether he did the washing when he got home from work or not. I will put a limit on things though, I will always stop for breaks and only do what I can do. I have made it clear that he is not to put in comments about anything in the house if he is not going to be helping with it.

Its only been a few days but so far it has worked well. I feel better, and not having any negative comments has made a huge difference.

After reading everyones comments it has given me so much confidence, I felt at ease talking with him about things without crying etc, its a much healthier way to deal with things, and I have no problem with address it again if it starts to slip back to the negativity.

Thank you very much ladies!!!

[4intheBed]

One last thing, I have found when I am more approachable and calm, my daughter is also calm, and he tends to spend less time in the computer room!

[Daydream Believer]

So happy to hear you sounding so mch happier and in control!
And everybody being more calm has to feel like a win!

If you are happy with the situation, then that's all that matters, so congratulations on a great outcome :)

[KayleeBby]

My ex has always been a huge part of my son's life and does pretty much everything with him. Him living in the next street over makes that super easy..

But when we were together he NEVER helped around the house. Dad would mow the lawns and do all the manly jobs and mum would help me out around the house and babysit whenever I needed her too and I ended up spending a month at my aunty's when DS was nearly 2 and left him with his father because I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I thought in my absence he would realise how much I did and get his act together.. but when I got home there were MAGGOTS all over kitchen, bathroom and laundry floors, rotten veggies in the fridge and just general rubbish everywhere.

That is the night I kicked him out and later found out he was cheating on me. I've never been so glad to completely disown someone. I am happy for him to spend as much time with our son as he wants. But he hasn't set a foot in my house since.