Different parenting styles- advice?

[chameleon]

:wave:

I was wondering if anyone has been in my situation? I am in a relationship with a really lovely guy. He has kids, and so do I, all similar ages. The only problem is we have quite different parenting styles. He is much stricter and my kids get away with a lot more. At the moment it is fine, but once we move in together I am wondering how it will work. We have discussed it, and I think we will probably be able to compromise but I was still wanting to hear other peoples experiences. What did you do? How did it work out? Good outcomes? Bad outcomes? Anything?:D

Thanks!

[Benji]

In your situation I'd find some helpful sites to do with step-parenting and boundaries etc. I found one for DP (he's my son's step-father) which was a great site filled with information for step-fathers and one of their main points was that the role of a step-parent is not to be another parent and discipline is to be left to the biological parent.

Maybe even try Relationships Australia and see if they have some brochures you could pick up :)

[RunningWithScissors]

We had la few bumps in the road!!

DH's parents raised him with an iron fist, and with fear. Beltings were common, he was never given choices, only orders. Even in adulthood he was afraid of them.

As a result, thats what he though parenting was. Thankfully he has never smacked the kids (I'd kill him), our main issue is with his tone of voice and choice of words. I always like to give the kids options, "Can you clean your room today when you are ready?" He would order them "Go clean your room NOW" Or if they want something, like DS and his PS3, if he asked to play (I don't allow free play, I want to monitor it) I would allow him to if he hadn't played more than an hour, but DH would always wants something is return "You have to clean your room if you want to play". It really angered me that he expected them to pay in some way for what I see is a basic right.
Then he would get upset if they reacted badly to him, he didn't understand that respect is mutual. Didn't know that parents don't command respect in normal situations, and that fear does not equal respect! Took lots of talking and even now I still gently remind him that he needs to speak respectfully and not demand things, but he is great now!

The kids love him and never seemed to be as angry as I was about his lack of parenting skills, but my guess is that its because I always diffused the situation and they never felt like he was punishing them or that I was taking his side.
Now he is great with them! They started calling him dad but ex cracked it and ordered them not to :rolleyes:

[chameleon]

Thanks for the replies. I will go have a look at Relationship Australia, thanks Benji.

I guess part of our problem is that one day we will all be living in the one house, and it wouldn't be fair to have one set of rule for my kids, and a different lot of rules for his... but then we parent differently, and he has a lot more rules than I do! So it will be a struggle finding that happy medium I guess.

[aquariusMum]

:wave:

I was wondering if anyone has been in my situation? I am in a relationship with a really lovely guy. He has kids, and so do I, all similar ages. The only problem is we have quite different parenting styles. He is much stricter and my kids get away with a lot more. At the moment it is fine, but once we move in together I am wondering how it will work. We have discussed it, and I think we will probably be able to compromise but I was still wanting to hear other peoples experiences. What did you do? How did it work out? Good outcomes? Bad outcomes? Anything?:D

Thanks!

DP and I have different parenting styles. I'm much stricter. We've had to compromise - to an extent. I don't think we'll have agree completely, especially when it comes to safety (he is way too lax). But we have a system that works 90% of time. I think it's a matter of communicating with one another and ensuring you're consistent with the kids.

[River Song]

the trick is to agree on house rules before you all move in. rules for everyone, including the parents.

if all agree up front...then much easier

[motheroffour]

We had la few bumps in the road!!

DH's parents raised him with an iron fist, and with fear. Beltings were common, he was never given choices, only orders. Even in adulthood he was afraid of them.

As a result, thats what he though parenting was. Thankfully he has never smacked the kids (I'd kill him), our main issue is with his tone of voice and choice of words. I always like to give the kids options, "Can you clean your room today when you are ready?" He would order them "Go clean your room NOW" Or if they want something, like DS and his PS3, if he asked to play (I don't allow free play, I want to monitor it) I would allow him to if he hadn't played more than an hour, but DH would always wants something is return "You have to clean your room if you want to play". It really angered me that he expected them to pay in some way for what I see is a basic right.
Then he would get upset if they reacted badly to him, he didn't understand that respect is mutual. Didn't know that parents don't command respect in normal situations, and that fear does not equal respect! Took lots of talking and even now I still gently remind him that he needs to speak respectfully and not demand things, but he is great now!

The kids love him and never seemed to be as angry as I was about his lack of parenting skills, but my guess is that its because I always diffused the situation and they never felt like he was punishing them or that I was taking his side.
Now he is great with them! They started calling him dad but ex cracked it and ordered them not to :rolleyes:
that reminds me of my DP, although my kids think he is a grump, still not as bad as their bio dad though. how old is your partner?

[mrsd72]

In your situation I'd find some helpful sites to do with step-parenting and boundaries etc. I found one for DP (he's my son's step-father) which was a great site filled with information for step-fathers and one of their main points was that the role of a step-parent is not to be another parent and discipline is to be left to the biological parent.

Maybe even try Relationships Australia and see if they have some brochures you could pick up :)
I agree with this
My DH doesn't have kids and he had very different expectations of how to parent than I had for my then 9 and 15 year old son.
Its been a struggle and I wish we had had some professional assistance and information from the beginning