What is a friend?

[Shanaynay]

What is a friend, when you are a mum, at this age?

When you don't have any friends left from school days, who are your friends? If they are other mums that you have met through your children, does your friendship extend beyond your children?

Is a friendship at this age different from the friendships formed late in high school and kept until your early twenties?

I'm really struggling in this department and wondering if my expectations are wrong.

[beachlover09]

I have different types of friends. Some are people I have fun with. Some are people I can count on and some are the friends you hardly ever see but when you catch up it's like you where never apart. I think friendship is different than when i was younger, I don't have time for drainers or users or 'special project' type friends that I used to. I've had to break up with a few friends.

[misskittyfantastico]

Very good question.
I SUCK at making friends. I'm anxious and meh and uber self conscious and have verrry different parenting values (well all values) to the people in my community.

I have one beautiful friend where I live, someone that I just gradually got to know and she brings out my best. There's another woman that I'm getting to know, but again, it's gently gently.

School (kids at school) is a WHOLE other game. It's weird. I don't like it.

I've not helped, have I.

[gizmoduckus]

I think friendships change a lot the older you get. I still have a couple of friends from high school but we can go weeks now without talking to each other instead of talking every day like we used to.

We all have families and other responsibilities. We can't just drop everything any more to be there for each other all of the time but it's understandable because we are all in the same position.

[Livvey]

What is a friend, when you are a mum, at this age?

When you don't have any friends left from school days, who are your friends? If they are other mums that you have met through your children, does your friendship extend beyond your children?

Is a friendship at this age different from the friendships formed late in high school and kept until your early twenties?

I'm really struggling in this department and wondering if my expectations are wrong.

A friend is someone who you can talk to at anytime, even when your children are running around like crazy when the phone rings. Someone who shares similar values in life and (for me anyway) parenting. Someone who you can laugh with, who you can cry with and who isn't afraid to tell it how it is, or hear it.

My DS1 goes nuts every time i have a phone call, he hates sharing the attention. Whom ever i'm on the phone to usually gets a very scattered conversation due to him carrying on like crazy in the background. I have one very good friend (the only person i really talk to other than DP), we met at work, and neither of us expected the connection and friendship we have made over the last 7 years. She is the first person i think of when something goes wrong, or when something amazing happens (again, other than DP!). She also gets bonus points for having this amazing, kind of freaky, but beautiful connection to DS2.

Recently, i've been in contact with a few friends from high school. The friendships i had then were very different, but i was a different person then. Re-connecting with them has helped me heal a lot of pain that i felt regarding my high school experience, especially since one of the other girls went through almost exactly what i did, so we understand that part of each other. I will always regard these girls with so much affection, and over time getting to know them again i'm sure we'll rediscover our friendships, but i think we all understand that who we were in high school isn't who we are now.

You will find your 'village'...('it takes a village to raise a child'....), it may be one person or it may be many, but whatever it is they will be blessed to have you :goodvibes:

[Pax]

Other Mother friends are usually those that mother similar to you. I cant deal with taking my kids to other peoples houses that yell at my kids or have extremely different parenting styles

I am a hover parent. I will watch my kids constantly.. I have conversations while not looking directly at my friends. I dont deal well with other kids hitting mine. I dont deal well with mine hitting theirs. I like parents with my values and my style

Otherwise I dont bother with friends.

I have about 2.

[Cheerilee]

I have been having the exact same thoughts lately.

I think true friends are hard to come by.
:hugs:

[MrsTwith3]

Z when you find the answer to this question can you please let me know.
I know for me over the years I have 1 friend left from my school days but we only speak once every other week now but if we need each other for whatever reason we will be there (even though there is a 3.5hr drive)
As for other friends they all are friends that are Mummies or soon to be Mummies.

[motheroffour]

I only have a hand of friends, 2 from school and some others I have met along the way. I have never gotten into chats in the school yard at pick up time and only have a quick chat when doing the pick ups from sleep overs, I dont do play group and at work I will chat and be friendly but never form relationships that go any further. some times it would be nice to have a huge bunch of friends like at school but I have no time for it.

[luvmyboys]

I think friendships and what you want from them/can offer them definitely change over time. In high school/early 20's my friends were a big focus, spent a lot of time with them and was very social. But after having children your focus changes and you tend to fit them in around your children, and then you work and you fit them in around that etc. I don't really have an everyday friend that I see frequently, my older friends live at least 400 km's away and I see them infrequently and talk on facebook/phone every so often. I have people I have connected with and have gone through stages of hangin out with them frequently to hardly at all, just depends what I am up to/ what they are doing. It's not that I don't want to see them I just tend to get a bit caught up in life. I'm a bit of a spur of the moment person so if I don't have plans I will usually do somethng spur of the moment.
Most of my friends have kids but not all, I guess it just gives you something in common and helps to occupy the kids when you go somewhere. To be honest my closest friend in terms of who I share my closest feelings with is my hubby and also my Aunty, if I want some one to talk to I call her as she is 1000 kms away.

[jaq]

I'm going to be brutally honest and say I think a lot of people DO have their expectations wrong. I think a lot of people want someone who is their all; all things to them, and I think that is very difficult to have in modern life.

Personally, I think of a friend as someone whose company I enjoy. Whether I enjoy your company for an hour on BH, or an evening once or twice a year, or daily at pickup, you are my friend!

I think its healthy to acknowledge that we have different friends for different stages of life, and different types of friends. I recently went to my high school reunion and found people I rarely spent time with were quite fun, and I would call them my friends now. But earlier in the week I spoke to my best friend from high school on Skype, and it was like NO time had passed since we were last in the same room (or even country ...) together. We haven't seen each other in at least 20 years!

Another friend I have lots of arguments with and we have clashing personalities but we have a shared past and love and respect each other for that. Our paths have diverged because I have had children and she has chosen not to ... but thats OK. We can move beyond that.

I probably have it easier than most with making friends at school because my girls go to a school we are all passionate about, and most of us share similar parenting philosophies. The people I am closest to on a day to day basis are probably those people I know from school - say 10 or so that I love to spend lots of time with, and another 2 or 3 that have that mindmeld thing with, you know?

I also believe its limiting to expect your friends to be too similar to you ... sometimes the people we find most exciting and fun to be with are those who are very different to ourselves. Opening yourself up to that difference can be emotionally risky, but its often rewarding.

I find it relatively easy to make friends, yes, but I have also had a lot of practice, having rarely spent more than 5 years in one place. Moving every few years makes it important to go out and make social connections, and as long as you let those connections develop at their own pace, and honour them for what they are, some of them can turn into friendships.:wave:

[Shanaynay]

Thanks for all your responses, I guess it's something that is pretty different for everyone.

I think it's just on my mind lately as I am pretty lonely, for the first time in my life.

My marriage ended to my best friend 3 years ago. And it's really taken until around now (or the last few months) to actually feel lonely.

I don't have mother/sister/SIL/cousin etc... who is also a friend, so well and truly alone I guess. My children are all little too, maybe it would feel different if they were teenagers and we were 'friends' iykwim.

So maybe I just have to come across someone just like me :confused:

[Shanaynay]

Makes sense Jaq..... I think maybe I expected to make 'friends' when my daughter started school maybe? But it's been anything but - it's like I'm on another planet - and I have tried to chat and stuff, but after over a year I just feel invisible!

I'm not sure if I have unrealistic expectations. I know that without a shared past and and at this age, a friendship is going to be far less involved...... I don't really expect a friend to be someone that you call at 2am in tears when you find out your husband is having an affair - got Bubhub for that :D

Ugh I don't know :o

[sunnyflower]

I struggle with this concept too.

Although i am quite friendly i struggle to develop deep friendships i guess because i struggle being vunerable too and depending on people.

I do enjoy hanging out with people though .

I have one close friend and other than that i spend time with church people and school mums and thats about it.
I just try and be friendly with everyone and let things happen.

I have had friends move away too and that is always hard for me to deal with.

Its also hard when you meet a single mummy and then she finds a partner cause then they tend to lose interest then.

But i think the key is realistic expectations ,keep on trying and try in lots of differnent camps ie in diff areas of your life..

[Sheer Bliss]

Please tell me when you work it out!! :laughing:

I got one of 'those' text messages on friday night from a school friend (our DD's now go to school together) 'Are you going to X's kids birthday party tomorrow'. My reply (in my head) 'we have nothing on, so I'd love to go, ohhhh, except that's right we weren't invited!! Haha Whoops! I responded politiely that I didn't know it was on, so I wasn't going. Funny thing was the mum of the birthday girl sent me a message on FB a few weeks ago asking about something and said we should all get together soon and she was thinking of doing something for her DD's birthday!! Most of the old school friendships have dwindled though, and the 2 good ones left have no kids, so it gets hard to organise - although they are fabulous and go out of their way to organise things to make things easier for me.

I think that there are some 'friends of kids mums' that the friendship extends the kids, but I don't think it is always easy to make that step. I know I personally suck at it, and I seem to be a crappy person most the time these days anyway, so no-one wants me as a friend!!

[sunnyflower]

Please tell me when you work it out!! :laughing:

I got one of 'those' text messages on friday night from a school friend (our DD's now go to school together) 'Are you going to X's kids birthday party tomorrow'. My reply (in my head) 'we have nothing on, so I'd love to go, ohhhh, except that's right we weren't invited!! Haha Whoops! I responded politiely that I didn't know it was on, so I wasn't going. Funny thing was the mum of the birthday girl sent me a message on FB a few weeks ago asking about something and said we should all get together soon and she was thinking of doing something for her DD's birthday!! Most of the old school friendships have dwindled though, and the 2 good ones left have no kids, so it gets hard to organise - although they are fabulous and go out of their way to organise things to make things easier for me.

I think that there are some 'friends of kids mums' that the friendship extends the kids, but I don't think it is always easy to make that step. I know I personally suck at it, and I seem to be a crappy person most the time these days anyway, so no-one wants me as a friend!!

:hugs:

[Willow]

It's been very interesting reading all the replies. It seems like people with strong support networks and/or family ties have less 'need' for friends. And they seem to have enough friends to satisfy their needs. When we're lonely we need people more.

It's so hard to make friends when you are at home with beloved children. Someone said that they consider chatting online on bubhub for an hour with friends as frieindship. That's really lovely. Although I haven't gotten to know any bubhub people online, it's been nice slowly sort of breaking the ice and conversing with them and maybe one day I'll get to know someone better. I'm interested to read other replies!

[Threadkiller]

I found when my older two kids went to school, I didnt expect to make friends and made a couple of friends then, but having said that this time around with DD starting year1 and prep last year had the expectations of YAY im going to meet to people and didnt and to this day havent. I have tried but they have already formed there little groups, and if your not in the groups you do feel invisable like you said. Bascialy all my friends I have now IRL are from bubhub and I will be meeting some more bubhubers soon which is exciting :D. You could always do some bubhub meets, its worth a try and you may come across some lovely people :D

[Shanaynay]

It's been very interesting reading all the replies. It seems like people with strong support networks and/or family ties have less 'need' for friends. And they seem to have enough friends to satisfy their needs. When we're lonely we need people more.



I think that's probably it really - I've never really felt this overwhelming need for friendship/company until the last few months. I think it just took me this long (over 2 years) to get lonely.
Maybe I need to try and meet some single mums.... or mums who don't really like their partners :p

[kaisenna]

Friendship definately changes as your priorities change and your life changes. It is definately not wrong to have expectations at all. Your expectations are kind of like a filter for you. What may seem high to one person is right on target for another. Don't stress too much about it, friends will come to you when you least expect it and love you for being you.

[lovepurplebutterflies]

phineas -Where abouts are you?

[jacstar31]

phineas - thanks for the thought provoking post. I agree with you, I feel the 'loneliest' i have ever felt...and I have DH and close with my sis and mum. i guess it's hard to have that really 'deep' connection that I seem to long for. I think when i was younger my expectations were higher, but they were probably met through such a wide variety of different friendships - now I only get such precious little time to spend with friends and its harder to get more of those needs met KWIM.

[Twobytwo]

I don't think it matters his many friends you have. I have two best friends. My friend from high school that is so slack at ringing me and catching up, however I still love her loads. My other friend is ten years younger than me and she is the bestest friend I have ever had. We understand each other and are there for each other. And we have heaps of fun too.

[BerylsMum]

I have better friends now, than i ever did in highschool.

I have about 5 best friends and a handful of good friends.
i see my best friends at least once a week, sometimes everyday.
we talk on the phone every day!!

they are the best people.
i trust them, respect them and love them.

[pinkplease3]

I have been having the exact same thoughts lately.

I think true friends are hard to come by.
:hugs:

Don't I know it! After having my boys I only ever had 3-4 really good friends and then a handful of others that I wasn't as close to. After leaving the area a year ago and moving to 1200kms away to Wollongong, where I know 1 person outside of DPs family and she works huge hrs so next to never available. I've struggled to find ways to make friends, get adult interaction and there's been days where I just cry and want to go home to those few I know and they know me. I did make 1 other friend here awhile ago she seemed decent, funny etc, turns out she was a user and ripped me off $500! :( what I wouldn't do for a friend store to open up lol this is harder than I anticipated it was going to be!
Sent from my HTC Incredible S using BubHub

[nikki78]

I only have 2 main friends which I've known for 22years one which I catch up weekly and the other drives me mad in a good way and I catch up with her monthly
Other friends I've met from mothers group and playgroup have come and gone, I tend to keep to myself as had a few close friends years ago and they used Dh and I really bad one of she's so called best friends wrapped his car round a tree and never told us the truth found out thru someone else so we don't speak to any of them any more...
So I'm very wary when it comes to getting close to anyone.

[mum2bubba]

Hmmm I am 29 (30 in August) so not sure if I am meant to be here, but just wanted to answer. I only have two friends from highschool and they are both males with no kids. The rest of my friends (not that I have many) are all mothers who I have met through playgroups, Facebook etc. Some I get along with MORE because we have kids and our kids play together, others I see outside of being a mother, we go for girl nights out etc.

I am not sure if the friendships are different though. I guess with the friends of mine that have kids we understand each other better.