Cleft Lip Anxiety

[the_queen]

Hi everyone!!

I'm new here (and can someone please explain what all these acronyms stand for!!?? LOL i have just worked out DH means dear husband??!!!!!)

I have just found out I'm pregnant with our second child, due about May 7th 2006. Our Princess will be 5 in July next year, and is already very excited about her sister or brother (she's already chosen names! ROSIE or CHOMPER i'm not kidding... it's out of one of her Land Before Time movies.....!!)

The Princess was born with a bilateril cleft lip/gum. Thankfully her palate was unaffected, so we managed to breastfeed for 14 weeks (YAY US!! It was so challenging, and so heart-breaking when I was forced to put her on formula after her first surgery, but in the end, we managed 14 weeks which is a real achievement so YAY US!!) She had 2 surgeries before her first birthday, she will have more surgery before she starts school next year, and then a bone graft into her gum when her adult teeth are ready to come through, and then more cosmetic surgery when her face has finished growing. Plus she'll probably have to have orthodontic work done, because it's highly likely her teeth will grow in wonky. I wouldn't trade her for ANYTHING and there's absolutely NO WAY i would ever have considered terminating the pregnancy (although one of my "friends" said I should - she said "think about it, what kind of a life will she have if she has scars on her face..." She's not my friend anymore!!) But I hate that she has this "problem" that will be with her for life. I hate that she has to go through the surgeries, I hate that she will get teased at school, I hate that she won't be considered "pretty" by the shallow-minded idiots who seem to control the world.

I'm very excited about this pregnancy, but I can't get rid of my "abnormality anxiety". I know all pregnant women worry about "what if something's wrong with my baby" But we have been told that we now have a 1 in 7 chance of having another cleft-affected baby, so for the next 6 - 12 weeks until we have a proper ultrasound, I am going to be really anxious about this. I can't change it, if it's going to happen, and I'm certainly not going to terminate if this one has a cleft too - but I guess what I'm asking is, how am I supposed to deal with this anxiety??

If this one doesn't have a cleft - will I love it more than The Princess??

If this one does have a cleft - will I be able to cope with the feelings of "I did this to another baby, what's wrong with me"??

:( :(
I'm trying really hard to stay calm, I'm trying to think positively, and so far my anxiety isn't that bad. But I think that's because I know the face of this one hasn't formed yet. It doesn't form properly until week 8. I'm scared that I'll be really really anxious in week 8, and I don't want to send myself insane with worry. I know logically that I need to just say "Que Sera Sera" but it's easier said than done.

So, HELP!! I need some words of support... Thanks guys, I hope I haven't freaked you out with all this "birth defect" talk.

[veve]

hey :)

dont worry about starting a thread about ANY topic here.... we chat about EVERYTHING (that is the beautiful thing about bubhub :D)

I am a teacher, and my teaching partner has a cleft palate- as does one of the boys in our class.... I was talking to her (t partner) the other day about cleft palates, and she is under the impression that cleft palates ARE NOT genetic... ie. just cause mum/ dad / sibling has one does not mean that a child will...

Also the boy in our class is the oldest of four... and he is the only one with a cleft palate.... the three sisters are absolutely gorgoeous girls (stunning!- he is a looker too though :) ) - so I KNOW that is doesn't always run in families.... I know that medicare has information links from their home page (there is a cleft palate subsidy scheme... at least I think that is what it is called!!! ) - check out the links if you haven't already....

I guess one of the most frustrating things about pregnancy - is the lack of control we feel (we cant see or change anything about our baby!) I guess just try and stay positive... if bubs does have a cleft palate... at least he/she has a big sister to look up to... is loved by his/her family.....and wont feel alone.. and with help from doctors (admittedly... a few doctors..) ... and maybe some speech therapy... a cleft palate shouldn't hold either of your munchkins back... (my t partner - is happily married.. has a career... is travelling the world and thinking about starting a family :) note- her siblings dont have cleft palates either ... )

I know I babbled a bit in this post- I hope it makes sense!!!!
all the best for your next scan
lots and lots of huggles
xxx
Jen

[min]

I hope this little story will help. One of my very good mates has a cleft lip - his eldest son was born with a cleft lip and palate - but the doctors were absolutely sure that it's not genetic, just one of those coincidences. Anyway, my friend's second and third children were born with no problems at all. So no need for you to think history will repeat itself. It's easy to say "don't worry" - but I hope you'll try your hardest!

Take care

Min

[the_queen]

Thanks guys.

I have to say, with this pregnancy, my emotions are already (i'm only 6 weeks!) completely out of control. That Mutual Community ad? With the cute little kids, you know, "a crocodile came up and bit my gutsout! and even my legs went that way and even my head went that way!!" Yeah that ad makes me CRY now....!!! I start laughing, I can't control how loudly I laugh at it, and by the end of it, I'm bawling my eyes out, sobbing "oh they're so cute! they're so gorgeous" so I am definately over-emoting about everything....!!

So thank you all very much for your kind words, I do feel a lot better about it all today. I'm having problems with the ole hubby, (he's always been a bit of a prick but he's really come into his own since I told him I'm pregnant again) so today I'm going to see my best friend, who is The Princess's godmother, and I'm 100% sure she will make me feel better.

We've got a round of appointments for The Princess, starting in a couple of weeks, at the Crano Facial Unit here at the Women's and Children's Hospital. They really are the best in the world, I am confident that they will do the very best job possible, and I know that everything will be fine. One of the appointments is with a social worker, for The Princess to talk to her about teasing at kindy etc. So I think I'll arrange for me to have an appointment with her, to chat about this pregnancy. I have suffered with depression before (although I've been off the Avanza since July) and I hate to think that I might need to take pills again but maybe I do. I've started preparing myself to be a single mother again, as I really don't think my husband will want me around for much longer. He's never liked me, and there is domestic violence involved so I'm not taking any chances this time around. I thought we got back together for the right reasons but apparently he just wanted to stop paying the child support. And now I'm pregnant again, which means if I leave him again, the child support he will have to pay will be like 28% (i might be wrong with the figure, but it's definately more than 25%) of his gross income. So he doesn't want me to leave, but he hates the sight of me. I'm scared but he's too much of a wimp to really hurt me. He acts tough, but if I ever called the cops on him, he would become a blubbering little baby (no offence to bubbys!!!) . Please don't think I'm some weak little victim, I am not stuck here, I am choosing to be here (for now anyway) because it's basically the lesser of two evils. He has destroyed my soul so much, that I can't actually cope on my own. That does sound weak and victim-ish I know, but the problem is that I don't have any support (and that's where you guys come in!!). I'm strong - but not strong enough, yet.

See what I mean - I'm totally all over the joint at the moment!!!!

I will be contacting my DV counsellor soon, haven't spoken to her for a few months but I think I need to. The midwife clinic where I'm going also has a DV counsellor, specifically DV in pregnancy. So I will be ok.