what rights does she have? [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

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mygirlindi

27-02-2011, 14:12

Hi all

Just after some advice regarding DD's grand mother. She is my ex's mother.
She lives in another state to us as does the ex and the rest of their family.
Every time she comes up to our part of town (which is on average once a month) I always allow DD to see her and she phones here to talk to DD very often (so much so it drives me a little crazy). She always refers to DD as her 'special girl' and she has a 'special connection' with her that she doesn't have with any of her other grand children which all live near her (I find this a little freaky but anyway...)
Every time she comes up she wants DD to stay with her for a weekend. At first I used to allow it but now it really is frustrating me because it is so often, more so than even my parents see her!

Anyway it all blew up yesterday as I said to her I did not want DD staying with her anymore unless it was school holidays. Since DD has started school she really treasures her weekends at home, she is a little home body. I consulted DD first before I spoke to her about it and she agreed that she did not want to go and stay. I advised her that she may come and visit and spend a whole day with DD if she likes but no sleep over. When she comes to stay she stays an hour and a half away from us and DD really hates the drive. She got really mad at me, accused me of filling DD's head with things so she did not want to stay with her, threatened me with legal action and then hung up on me. She then sent me a nasty text message.

I phoned her later and explained that I will support what DD wants and I reminded her I am happy for her to see DD, I have never tried to stop that, but I just didn't want her sleeping over unless it was school holidays. She again threatened me with legal action and I caved and said she could have DD for one night only.

So am I in the wrong? Can she really do something legally even if I am not preventing her from seeing DD? The same rule applies for my family and that is sleep overs are for holidays so why should I make an exception for her? Also isn't it the norm for grandparents to visit for a couple of hours (or you visit them) and then they leave? i.e not expect a sleep over every time they visit?

I don't want to do the wrong thing so any advice would be appreciated.
I also rang the ex and spoke with him about it and he said he didn't care what I did that it was my decision. Besides, I thought I was being nice by letting her see DD in the first place as the ex only sees her every school holidays when she either goes down there or he comes here and his mum is usually with him so she sees DD then. Isn't it *his* responsibility to let his mum see her when it is his time with DD? Which is why I thought I was being nice by letting her see her whenever she comes up.

Any advice would be great :)

Oblena

27-02-2011, 14:38

I don't know the ins and outs of the law sorry, but it sounds as if she has plenty of access anyway. Other things that 'prove' you are not being unreasonable:

Her dad is happy with how much access his mum gets

Your family lives by the rule of 'only sleeping in the holidays'

Most kids don't sleep every time they see a grandparent regardless of the parents circumstances (together or not)

Seriously, if DD is better off not sleeping until the holidays due to being too tired from school etc it is a parent's perogative to say that. This includes stopping sleepovers that previously occurred due to a change of circumstances (as has happened to you - school starting and it being too much for DD).

I believe that you are not being mean to the ex MIL and that by allowing her to see DD whenever that is ok, and the holiday sleepover is fine.

However, I would be aware that the ex MIL now having accused you of brainwashing your DD may now ask DD to sleep to the point of guilting her into saying yes, even if she doesn't want to go. I would make sure your DD knows that she is allowed to say no to grandma especially if she's tired and then make a big deal out of a holiday sleep over.

nat278

27-02-2011, 14:52

I would assume (not legal knowledge in this just my opinion).

Unless the FOB was deceased/incompetent then the Grandparents surely would have no say???

I really can't see what legal action they could take when both parents agree and are capable of making the decisions in the best interest of the child and they are still getting access to see child that is reasonable anyway.

IMO I think her saying that is just off the cuff bluff to guilt you into doing as she wants.

BabelFish

27-02-2011, 14:58

As far as I know she can only take legal action if you are not allowing her to see your DD at all. Not for overnight visits - and particularly if your DD doesn't want to go.

I would phone legal aid for some advice ... then your ex-MIL can threaten all she wants. Also, start noting everything down and also write a polite letter to her explaining your reasons and reiterating that she can of course see your DD.

Then photocopy it and have the photocopy certified,

You may never need this but one day it just might come in handy.

One of THOSE mums!

27-02-2011, 14:58

She has no custodial rights so has no right for your Dd to stay with her.

You did the right thing by saying she could still come visit.

But I agree that staying over night all the time in not good.

After s long week of school kids need time to relax and spend time playing and being a kid. And when they get older things like sport and socializing.

Your ex mil has no rights. But I would speak to centerlink and confirm.

nat278

27-02-2011, 15:06

KatiesMum

27-02-2011, 15:21

Yep - but I wouldnt be caving in and saying 'just one night then'.

That is the rules. Its not because of her .... but because its better for your DD.

Perhaps over long weekends, or if there is a pupil free day you might make an exception - but other than that, I wouldnt be making any exceptions and I would be sticking to what you have set.

I do think you are being perfectly reasonable.

louellyn

27-02-2011, 15:33

Grandparents do have rights under the family law system (technically it is the child having the right to a relationship with a grandparent) provided that it is in the childs best interest.

The family courts deal with this situation all the time, and more so since the changes came in in 2007.

Your proposal sounds reasonable but a call to the legal aid hotline in your state is a good idea. You can get agreements formalised but shouldn't be necessary where parties can all be reasonable.

Your DH will probably just tell him mother to back off if he agrees with your decision.

youngmumof3wa

27-02-2011, 23:50

I find it funny that everyone thinks it is weird and wrong for grandparents to want to have such an important part in childrens lifes.

When I was growing up, I stay over night at my grandparents (mums parents) every Friday night. I loved it. It was great.

We also stayed at my other grandparents (dads parents) every fortnight. (this is what suited them, they took it in turns with my cosins). We love it.

We did diffrent things with the diffrent grandparents, we had diffrent rules at each but it was great and it encourages a very long lasting bond with them, I think it is great and it really helps children have an understand of the older generations.

It is up to you what you do, though there are new rights under the family laws, I don't think they would make you child stay there.

mygirlindi

01-03-2011, 15:26

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. The letter sounds like a great idea and I will phone legalaid as well.
@ youngmum. I certainly would never want to take away DD's relationship with her grandmother. I will always support DD in her choices though in whether she wants to stay there or not. It's greAt you had a great relationship with your grandparents.