View Full Version : My mum Wanting to stay at our house after birth.... What should I do?
So I have a bit of a dilemma....
Log story short- my mum and I have never really got along, generally within half an hour of seeing or talking to each other we are in a fight. I wish I had the relationship like some people do with their mums but I don't, neither does any of my sisters or brother. All of our family has tried to talk to her about seeing someone about her mental health (one minute she will be laughing and fine- the next minute she is screaming and hates everyone)... But she has never listened.
About a year ago she up and left my dad without any explanation and moved to Darwin (she sent all of us an email- including my dad that she has left- she sent the emAil while waiting for her plane at the airport)
Anyway... Since she has been gone it's been a little better- however everytime she comes back an visits it's becomes a fight with everyone.
She has now emailed me saying when my due date is and she wants to stay for a week or so when I have the baby- she knows we don't have any room so she said she will sleep on couch...
I don't know what to do... I can't have her in my house at that time... Let alone for more than a day.
When my brother had his kids, she was constantly telling them all the wrong things they were doing and would barely let them hold the baby (it caused a massive fight amongst them)
My hubby is already going to take 2//3 weeks off to help...
I don't want to upset her, but I'm already stressing about it.
One of THOSE mums!
I know it will be hard but if you really feel that strongly about it say no.
Can she stay with another relative and come and visit instead?
Having a baby is stressful enough without the added stress of ur mum ur couch.
You need privacy to bond with ur new family.
Just let her know that this time is going to be stressful enough and while you would like her to come down to visit, that she will need to stay in a motel and visit you during the day. The first week is stressful for any new parents, getting used to bubs and bubs getting used to the world- you definitely dont want to make this even more stressful. Just be upfront and honest.
Gosh I can't stand when family members want to be in your face straight after the birth. I know they just want to be there and all but I've just straight out said "no visitors at home please for atleast 2 weeks" I need time to heal, time to adjust, and time for DH to adjust also. I've had to be harsh but after that then everybody is more than welcome. I just think a woman needs time..... Tell her straight hun it's a crucial time you don't need stress.
You just have to flat out tell her.
Be polite about but stay firm, i would say something along the lines of 'Thanks for the lovely offer but DH and i were planning for it just to be us so we could all bond and get to know baby' i might also throw in that it would very cramped and uncomfortable and it would be better if she didn't come.
She might react badly but the last thing you need is the stress of an unwanted guest with a newborn.
it bewilders me how so many mums can be so oblivious to how precious that time will be. my mum was excellent, she stayed with me the night my ds was born & another night when i was having a rough time with feeding (i am a single mum so the support was great). but she never stood on my toes & she never told me what a bad job i was doing.
i would just try explaining to her that while you'd love to have her visit, in order to be able to bond with your new baby as a family unit, you would prefer if she could stay somewhere else. those moment are precious, and you can't get them back. you dont want to spend them stressing about your mum or when the next fight will be. i would also say this to her if she understood what an impact the arguing has on you.
Tell her, politely but firmly, NO. You will not regret it. I wouldn't even be encouraging her to visit and stay in a motel overmuch either, I can imagine she would just be at your house all day long anyway. I'd be saying no visitors for at least a week at home. You need that time, don't give it up for anyone, you can't get it back.
Could you perhaps word it in a way that wouldn't be aimed just at her? E.g., "Thanks for your support. We'd love to have you stay, but unfortunately we've already had to tell a few people that we're not having any house guests for a while after the birth, as we'd like some time to settle in with the new baby. It will be great to see you if you are staying in the area though."
Or something like that...? Good luck!
I think you need to tell her you would rather not as ur dp will be there and you guys want and need ur time together. Good luck
You'll just have to tell her and be very clear about it. yes she'll probably get upset but you'll never get that first few weeks back with your newborn and DH. You don't want to look back at this time and feel resentful because your mum ruined it for you, you want to enjoy it. So just tell her straight out and don't think about it again, concentrate on your bub.
i get along great with my mum, but still couldnt have coped with her staying after DD.
thank you all so much for support, i know im going to have to tell her. im just really scared because the last time i said i didn't really want her to stay (it was the days following our wedding- our honeymoon time..) she lost it and wouldn't talk to anyone for weeks and said things like she might as well die... but she just couldn't understand that we just wanted to be with each other after we got married.
maybe i will try and say it like i don't want people around during that time because its our bonding time.. i just hope she takes it ok.
My brother's wife recently spoke to me and said my mum made it so hard on them, and pushed her so much into breastfeeding the right way and told her she wasn't doing it right, so she gave up and went onto formula.
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