Consequences of your approach to parenting

[TimTamsandTea]

So MIL and I were discussing parenting styles today.

She wondered whether she 'deprived' her children by not playing with them and ruling with a rather iron fist.

After this very rare statement of doubt in her parenting choices, she was quick to say that she felt the current generation of parents (including her son and I) were far too indulgent and rattled off all the awful consequences of raising ds in this particular way.

I neatly put an end to the conversation by stating that:
*Parents do what they think will work in the best interests of their children.
*No one approach to parenting was perfect or suitable for every child.

But it got me thinking.

While I am comfortable with my approach to parenting, there are bound to be unintended consequences of this approach.

Have you ever wondered, if only for a moment, that what you think is right may infact turn around and bite you?

For example, I don't believe in the 'just because I said so' answer. I was raised in this manner and view it as a negative assertion of power.

Ds is only 2 but when I say 'no' to something, I give him a simple reason for saying no.

I feel that this approach demonstrates that we make decisions on ds's behalf based on reason not on power. That the decisions we make for him may not be well-received but are well considered and something he will come to respect. I also hope that this approach teaches ds to seek reasons for the things that happen to and around him.

But sometimes, I wonder whether I am creating a situation where I will end up explaining myself to ds at every turn. Whether I am inadvertently teaching him to be disrespectful.

Does anybody else envisage or have fleeting concerns about their own approaches to parenting?

[The C Team]

Mines a touch stupid. But here goes,
I would love to raise DD with the belief that no matter how life pans out she is free to do whatever she chooses so long as it makes her happy (much like I'd assume most parents would anyway). However, DH's family was raised in the same manner and, aside from his sister, they are all lacking in direction. The worst is the second youngest brother who flat out refuses to gain any form of employment and wants to stay on the dole living at home forever. MIL accepts this because that's what he has chosen and what makes him happy.

Sorry, not sure if it follows the guidelines to your question but it's one of those things where you want your babies to be able to do anything they want and yet not just sit home and do nothing, iykwim?

[BabelFish]

Yes I wonder about it. Especially as my daughter is going through a very, very difficult phase and I have always credited her beautiful nature and behaviour up until now to our parenting philosophy.

I have been through rather a lot of self-doubt lately but on reflection, I think that was due to various things that have been tough for us lately.

I have to remember that she is our eldest and so with every new phase and stage we are doing something we've never done before. And I have faith in our beliefs and methods.

Will we make mistakes? Without question. Will the repercussions of those mistakes be detrimental to their lives and futures? I hope not, with all my heart.

[Mummabear]

Does anybody else envisage or have fleeting concerns about their own approaches to parenting?


ha ha, only on a daily, if not hourly basis. But surely that's a sign of good conscious parenting in itself, to question yourself, hold yourself accountable & be able to objectively examine your parenting choices. Maybe we should be more worried if we were complacent & thought we had all the answers???

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[Guest1234]

ha ha, only on a daily, if not hourly basis. But surely that's a sign of good conscious parenting in itself, to question yourself, hold yourself accountable & be able to objectively examine your parenting choices. Maybe we should be more worried if we were complacent & thought we had all the answers???

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:yes: :iagree: with this.
We do what we can, what we feel is best, and we can only go with that and hope for the best.
It doesn't mean we don't doubt ourselves, but that doubt can lead to a person building on what ever they doubt, and becoming better, if they feel they need to.
We are all learning, every day, with this parenting gig, its not easy, and nothing is a given, but as long as we know we are doing the absolute best we can for our children, then that's the right thing to do.

There is consequence for EVERYTHING, and its out of our control.


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[MicE]

I question my decisions daily and have the following philosophy. I may not be the greatest mom but to my DS I am and I'm the only one he knows. And at least he will have something to complain about if he goes to therapy.

On a serious note I give my DS a lot of time. I do indulge him but I have also set boundaries. He is in the terrible twos and find I am saying no an awful lot. I also explain why but he gives me a blank look and screams. I think that might be because he doesn't like my answer.
When he gets punished I explain afterwards why he was punished and that I still love him.
If there immediate consequences that may teach him a lesson then I may let him learn the hard way. Eg our driveway is very steep. For a few months DS keeps trying to go down on his push bike. I keep stopping him. The other day I didn't have the energy thought well time to see why mommy says no. Anyway you can imagine the tears afterwards. Now he takes his bike out and says hill sore. So looks like he learnt his lesson.

If we question our parenting skills we are never going to be consistent. We know what's best for our child and as long as there is love we should be fine.

[iMischa]

i question myself now i'm on bubhub. every few weeks someone will post something about 'someone they know did this' and everyone will be shocked and write why its so bad, and here i was thinking i was doing a good job, when really now i might have given my child 'an issue' in the future. >_<

both of my kids dont fit in the mould, one things works for one, and not the other, trying to figure out a way to meet both of those individual needs without making the other feel as tho they are missing out, or...that there is unfair treatment going on is REALLY hard.

at the end of the day they both run to me for hugs, the biggest one tells me he loves me the mostest in the whole world.

i can't be doing that bad if this happens right??

[SimplyMum]

Yes, I wonder the same thing and parent in the same way. There are also other decisions that I have made that I wonder if they will be the correct decisions made in hindsight. I have also come to the same conclusion- we do what we think is best at the time given what we know. This is what I hope to teach DS. To have understanding.

I very rarely say 'because I said so' but have used an around about way of saying 'because I'm the parent'. I did have the same view that I wouldn't use it but certain things have come up where this has been the only appropriate thing to say. For example, 'little Jimmy can watch Transformers (M rated), why can't I? He's younger than I am'. And I've had to say that 'I'm not his Mummy so I can't tell him what he can and can't watch, but I am your Mummy and I don't think that movie is appropriate for your age'.

I also worry about how the decision in reg to DS father is going to pan out/effect him. I wonder if he will resent me in the future, but I can't parent in that way. I made the best decision I thought possible given what I knew. DS is unfortunate that he must live with the decisions made by myself and by his father until such a time that he can make his own decisions.

[MothersMilk]

Of course i worry, i am just making up this parenting stuff as i go.
I do the best i can and my girls are very happy little people - i figure that must mean i'm doing something right :yes:

[FearlessLeader]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

[Me&MrMagoo]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

Ditto ...

[kar]

Fearless, I agree to a large extent. Obviously we shape and guide our children but so much, IMO, is just who they are.
I often get "oh, F is a credit to you". My stock response is "he's a credit to himself".
Because if he turns into a feral tomorrow it wong be because we are doing anything different!

[loveshack]

I've read the book 'Brain Rules for Baby' which is based on actual research done on the human brain,and it explains a lot of things with regards to growing a smart,happy and moral baby.In regards to setting rules,it says that we need to tell children why they are being punished for something.Set rules and explain why they're being set.eg.Be careful with hot water,because you could get burnt,as opposed to just saying 'be careful with hot water' .
And we need to praise effort rather than intelligence,to develop smart kids.If you keep telling your child that they're intelligent and that's how they could solve the picture puzzle,the child will take their intelligence for granted and get confused when they're not able to solve it the next time.Praise effort,so that they know they have to keep 'trying' to get it right.
This book has helped me so much because it's based on how our brains actually work.

[Liddy]

In all honesty I think no matter how you parent there are going to be 'mistakes' made. I think my parents did a fairly good job at raising me but even so now I see so many things which I wish was different about how I was raised. I wasn't abused but there is still things that effect me today from the way I was bought up.
And that is exactly what life is, there is no perfect parent.

One of my favourite quotes of all time is "there is no such thing as a perfect parent, but there's a million ways to be a really good one." And this statement is so true, people are raised in all different techniques and cultures doesn't mean any 1 technique is 'right'. It's just 'different'.
I've made many mistakes as a parent already, and I question myself daily about whether i'm making the right choices for my kids.

But at the end of the day I do realise I will be making mistakes.
Growing up my family was a closed book so one of the biggest things DH and I are trying to do is raise a family which is very open about everything. I want my girls to be able to come to us and talk about anything without fear of judgement/punishment no matter how bad it is. Growing up my brother and sister and I never told our parents anything and because of that we weren't really 'close'.

[bumMum]

Yeah sometimes I do. I have worried a lot that allowing ds to be in our bed so much means he is still gonna be doing this at 8 and to be quite honest I think he is! Its not just that but in general we don't raise our voices much or have any hard and fast rules or consequences and although he is pretty well behaved I think he possibly thinks he is the boss here. But I am trying to learn how to be "firm and fair" like my mum was as I have decided it is probably a better approach. I think no one parenting approach has it all or is perfect and no matter what we all grow up imperfect and with some bad traits that are no doubt caused by something our parents did wrong lol. In general I believe I have made mostly good choices (fingers crossed) but yeah I do worry sometimes that there will be some horrible consequences to my parenting !

[bumMum]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

That's true. Even when you look at one family two siblings can be completely different people

[Benji]

My parents were incredibly liberal and soooo easy going. While my brother and I turned out fine (in fact, I don't think my brother has ever even smoked a cigarette) and their style of parenting worked very well, I know it caused them a lot of stress when I was a teen because I walked all over them.

OP, my DS is now almost 5 yo and I find myself saying "because I said so" after explaining it and him still questioning me, I get tired of the constant and I mean CONSTANT talking and questioning from him so because I said so when I say it isn't me being a tyrant, just my way of getting him to stop giving me a headache :p

[Benji]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

Must admit before I was a parent I had the belief that if you treated people well from birth that we would have a very well functioning society with helpful members... boy was I wrong!! Kids are BORN with their own personality and there's often little you can do to change it. My DS is willful and so long as I keep him on the right track he uses that stubbornness for good instead of evil :p but I do believe he was born with that personality trait.

[MothersMilk]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

You male a good point :yes:

I must admit i do find it a bit odd that many people seem to think that 'good parent' = a child who sleeps well/is polite/eats their vegetables etc. There are plenty of good parents who have children who don't sleep well and are very difficult. It really does have a lot to do with the personality of the child.
I have two children and they are pretty much opposites in personality. One has always been full on, loud, ball of energy, stubborn etc and the other is so placid and quiet, gentle etc. Nothing different in my parenting just two different little people.

ETA: Reminds me of when you have a baby and everyone asks 'Is s/he a good baby?' which i discovered is code for 'Do they sleep through the night' - i always thought it such a weird question, of course my baby is 'good' it's a gorgeous baby but no she doesn't sleep

[Mummabear]

That's true. Even when you look at one family two siblings can be completely different people

So very true. My boys are complete opposites in so many ways. I have one great eater and one extremely bad eater. One great sleeper, one bad sleeper. One who listens to my rules and shows respect, one who thinks he's the boss and shows no respect for our rules most of the time. One is loud and one is quiet. One is agressive and one is placid. Same family, same love, same rules - two individuals. They are their own people. All we can do is try and guide them, ultimately they are going to be who they are meant to be, it's our just to help make them the best possible version of that person.


OP, my DS is now almost 5 yo and I find myself saying "because I said so" after explaining it and him still questioning me, I get tired of the constant and I mean CONSTANT talking and questioning from him so because I said so when I say it isn't me being a tyrant, just my way of getting him to stop giving me a headache :p

I now do this too with my 5 year old. At the end of the day it often comes down to me using the "because I said so" because I am the parent, and he needs to know that sometimes it is just not acceptable to constantly question authority. If I feel that the situation warrants an explanation (which is most of the time, I like to think that my children are being educated at the same time as being disciplined), then I will give them a reason, but otherwise they need to respect me enough to listen to me. This has worked well for us so far - my DS1 (5 years old) will now mention to other children that "sometimes our Mum's say no to something because they love us and they are always trying to keep us safe"- very proud mummy moment when I overhear this one (usually said to his cousins!)



Must admit before I was a parent I had the belief that if you treated people well from birth that we would have a very well functioning society with helpful members... boy was I wrong!! Kids are BORN with their own personality and there's often little you can do to change it. My DS is willful and so long as I keep him on the right track he uses that stubbornness for good instead of evil :p but I do believe he was born with that personality trait.

Completely agree!

[SassyMummy]

I worry that I'm teaching my daughter that as a female, she is inferior. I worry that I allow her to mix with people who send this message, and I also worry about the other messages they will send - and what messages I send to her by mixing with them.

I am the "crazy hippy," of the family. On DP's side, I am even more of a hippy (in their eyes). I mean, put me next to a REAL hippy and I'm not the slightest bit of a hippy, but for these 2 families, I'm the best example of a hippy they have in their lives...

As you can imagine, with me being a "crazy hippy," their viewpoints and opinions are a lot different to mine. I can shelter my daughter from some of their harsher opinions NOW but what about when she's a teenager? I can hardly do anything about it then. I don't want her to grow up listening to their cr*p opinions about stuff - I want her to be a more compassionate, empathetic person than she would be if she followed their lead.

As for the "inferiority," thing I'm worried about, that's because she spends a lot of time with me, and I'm all about pleasing others. I do a lot of things for DP. I feel happy doing them... but I don't want her to think that it's the role of a woman, rather than something I (who happen to be a woman) am simply happy to do.

I also have to be quite strict with DD - she will be really lazy if I'm not, and won't ever attempt to do anything for herself... so I have to lay down the law. I feel bad doing it, but feel I'll teach her to be a lazy and reliant adult if I don't... but at the same time, I worry she'll look back at her childhood and think I was some b*tch always bossing her about.

[bgbgbb]

I had my parenting style thrust upon me when our eldest was diagnosed with special needs. He needed very firm boundaries, with an emphasis on routine. Because we devoted so much more time than the normal mother to his therapies and appointments, I had to claim some downtime for me, or I'd go mad. So the kids learned to respect the fact that there would be times when mummy needed them to be quiet so she could have some peace (I also found that having some ME time made me a much calmer mother when I did go back to being mummy).

Then, because of the sheer number of them, they have learned to self-entertain and to be responsible for cleaning up their own mess. They have learned to earn their pocket money by doing household chores (God help me if I had 6 kids who expected me to tidy up after every one of them). They learn to help out their younger siblings, which has taught them how to recognise others' needs.

Other parenting choices I have made because I have seen friends do the opposite and it drives me crazy. For example, I do not let my kids interrupt me when I am on the phone (unless its urgent) as I am totally sick of having conversations with friends that last 30 minutes, with 25 of those minutes devoted to them interupting me to talk to their kids. I figure if they are too busy to talk to me then call me back another time.

Its interesting how my parenting style grows from year to year. Having school age children brings different issues to having toddlers and you need to learn to adapt accordingly.

[jaq]

This is an interesting one for me - I've recently become a triallist of a new parenting system/method, and it has me thinking about the nuts and bolts of parenting and how it all works etc.

The conclusion of come to, and I don't think anyone gives it enough thought, is that you need to parent for YOUR child. Not children, either, but EACH child you have will require a slightly different approach, or a very different approach if they are very different kids.

Your parenting ethics or beliefs don't change, and the basic goalposts stay the same - no smacking, no verbal abuse, no negotiation (or whatever), - but the way you apply these in everyday life has to be different because what works with one doesn't work with another.

This has been underlined for me in the discussion among the trialists of this method I'm implementing - there are a few 5 year olds, and we all face very different challenges and are seeing different results from using the same system. My DD1 is a social manipulator, who needs to be in charge of her life, and pushes back at any attempt to exert authority over her. She reacts far worse to "punishment" of any kind than she ever behaves of her own accord, and I have seen a complete about face from her since implementing a system that puts her in charge of the consequences of her behaviour.

My DD2, however, is younger and needs firmer boundaries, and is also a sunnier, less complex personality. Giving her control would not have the same effect, because she would be a bit threatened by it.

So what I am saying is that you have to examine your methods, and your own beliefs about parenting, and look at how they impact on your kids, and adjust to suit. Even if you believe smacking is fine, smacking a child that is having issues with hitting others, for example, is NOT going to get the results you are looking for. Similarly, explaining everything to a child who is a negotiator is going to be problematic when they will try and talk you around EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. (Trust me. I know.)

I think two things are absolutely critical - playing close attention to how your children respond to your parenting, and being willing to change, adapt, or try new things if you are concerned about something. Changing our own patterns can be really hard to do,

[bgbgbb]

This is an interesting one for me - I've recently become a triallist of a new parenting system/method, and it has me thinking about the nuts and bolts of parenting and how it all works etc.

The conclusion of come to, and I don't think anyone gives it enough thought, is that you need to parent for YOUR child. Not children, either, but EACH child you have will require a slightly different approach, or a very different approach if they are very different kids.

Your parenting ethics or beliefs don't change, and the basic goalposts stay the same - no smacking, no verbal abuse, no negotiation (or whatever), - but the way you apply these in everyday life has to be different because what works with one doesn't work with another.

This has been underlined for me in the discussion among the trialists of this method I'm implementing - there are a few 5 year olds, and we all face very different challenges and are seeing different results from using the same system. My DD1 is a social manipulator, who needs to be in charge of her life, and pushes back at any attempt to exert authority over her. She reacts far worse to "punishment" of any kind than she ever behaves of her own accord, and I have seen a complete about face from her since implementing a system that puts her in charge of the consequences of her behaviour.

My DD2, however, is younger and needs firmer boundaries, and is also a sunnier, less complex personality. Giving her control would not have the same effect, because she would be a bit threatened by it.

So what I am saying is that you have to examine your methods, and your own beliefs about parenting, and look at how they impact on your kids, and adjust to suit. Even if you believe smacking is fine, smacking a child that is having issues with hitting others, for example, is NOT going to get the results you are looking for. Similarly, explaining everything to a child who is a negotiator is going to be problematic when they will try and talk you around EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. (Trust me. I know.)

I think two things are absolutely critical - playing close attention to how your children respond to your parenting, and being willing to change, adapt, or try new things if you are concerned about something. Changing our own patterns can be really hard to do,

A really good point. One of the problems we are currently up against is the fact that #3 & #4 are quite a bit different to their older siblings (they are more 'challenging') and so what used to work for the older 2, doesn't work for the middle 2. So I'm having to find ways to parent the middle 2 in a stricter style, whilst not showing favouritism for the 'easier' older 2. God knows what happens when the twins get to toddler stage!:eek::eek:

[Mummabear]

Great post Jaq. Really well said and extremely great points.

[AndrewTheEmu]

I worry im teaching DD bad eatting habbits.

I usually feed her in her chair infront of the TV. Mainly because it takes her so long to eat and i want to watch TV while feeding her. But if i face her away from it she spends the whole time twisting and turning to try and see it so i just let her watch. Its not possible atm to eat together at the dinning table which is what i really want to do. She eats breakfest/dinner long before DH or I (trying make 8 month old DD wait for food is almost as impossible as cooking dinner/preparing breakfest by clicking my fingers) Lunchtime I try to have lunch with DD but sometimes she wont even wait for me to have mouthful before demanding her next one. so yeah, i worry im teaching her a bad tv/eatting association.

[trishalishous]

i know that some of our methods might be harder in the short term (cosleeping for example) but im confident that it will pay off in the end.
im another who doesnt believe that 'because i said so' is a reason (maybe from being a teacher, and justifying decisions to students)
im very confident that our children will have manner and eat everything, as thats the behaviour we model (plus chinese people eat some gross stuff, so DD will be exposed to that)

[Gandalf]

I think considering the consequences of your parenting is the only way to 'critique' them - there may not be a perfect way to parent, but some ways really are better than others (especially for the individual child).

So looking at the child, considering how it needs to be parented, and adjusting yourself to suit is, imo, one of the best things a parent can do. :yes:

[and thank you bgbgbb - i think its always interesting to hear how parents with larger families adapt to try and suit all the different children :goodvibes:)

[twotrunks]

Ooh OT but jaq can you tell us about this parenting method? I work in the field and would love to know more :)

On topic, I do wonder about it, and I think we are already seeing consequences, such as the "australian idol" phenomenon: parents who overused praise making self absorbed falsely confident kids. I think every method will have consequences, positive and negative.

[SuperGranny]

hi, this is an interesting topic. I have had four children, so I have had to adjust my parenting to suit their individual personalities, and I have also made adjustments, as the dynamics change. What you do with the first and only child, is different to what you might do when you have older children and a newborn to deal with. Also with the internet, you can be exposed to an enormous number of new people, and new expierences, when I was raising my children there was only the small group of friends, and family to share with. I can now say that I have four adults, and we all get along just fine, so I think I did an ok job. It is all a learning time, from the moment they are born, so I think so long as there is a healthy discussion and willingness to adapt, parents will do a good job on the whole. Marie.

[FearlessLeader]

the other thing we have to remember is that our parenting doesn't occur in a vaccuum, so to go with Marie's eg of aussie idol, it's not just 'the parents' who are fostering a sense of entitlement in our kids but the rest of society. When the message of every chikdren's show seems to be 'you can be whatever you want to be if you wish hard enough and work hard enough', and every kid gets a prize at pass the parcel, of course they begin to believe it, even if their parents try to teach them otherwise. It's like the princess thing, you can raise your girl in the mst gender neutral environment possible, but send her to kinder and she'll be asking for a Bratz doll before you know it. And if she doesn't it's probably got more to do with her personality than what she's learned at hpme.


Please excuse typos i'm pushing a stroller :o

[MsMummy]

God, I'm always thinking about this.

My latest concern is that I'm not creative enough and don't do enough imaginative play, and that will affect his creative abilities later on. Like I'm dooming him to be a tax accountant.:D

I don't know what to do about behavioural stuff. He's 2, and has just started that difficult phase, and just laughs or does something defiant when I try and encourage him to stop. I snapped the other day and put him in his room, and then he urinated on the floor and looked joyful when I started squealing with shock. It's hard to decide whether you're creating an oppositional monster or whether a laissez faire approach will result in a child (and, later an adult) with no boundaries.

ETA: actually, any poor behaviour always arises when we're not paying enough attention, as he wants a reaction (ie. attention). But does that mean I have to pay attention to him every second?

[Pajamarama]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

:iagree:

And I too have a little giggle at the parents who bang on about how "perfect" their child is, never cries, never misbehaves, sleeps 13hrs a night from the instant they brought them home blah blah blah... especially a few months down the track when perfect little Johnny mutates into devil spawn overnight for no reason :laughing:

[Maybelline]

Best book (my dad recommended he is a Pediatrician ) Taming Toddlers (revised updated) ..that is now my bible..until the age of 4..then who knows...

[jaq]

Ooh OT but jaq can you tell us about this parenting method? I work in the field and would love to know more :) .

I'm not sure how much I can say atm - I will invite the woman who has devised it to post. What I will say is that it is based on teaching children the difference between positive and negative behaviours, and reinforcing positive choices with additional priveleges.


i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

I would argue that while some people overthink it, a lot of people don't think about it enough. And some people - like me - have challenging children who force them to find new strategies. I was concerned about specific aspects of my daughters behaviour - extreme anger, for one - and was looking for something to help her learn to manage her own behaviour, rather than me impose more control over her. (That hadn't worked, and I was sick of the power struggles). So you could say I had overthunk, or you could say I realised I needed help and knew where to look for it.

I agree that personality is a factor, BUT ... the way a child is parented is going to have a vast impact on how that personality is channelled. DD1 has the sort of brain that could invent the nucear bomb ... I'd much rather she find the cure for cancer ikywim. All children have personality issues that mean they have opportunities to jump one way or the other in their future life ... a bully, or a great leader? Easily led, or a good team player. Different values, different life lessons = different choices by the same personalities.

As to your point later about society, their is a level of influence that is inescapable. (Please don't get me started on Bratz dolls. I think I may foam at the mouth.) But knowing HOW to influence your child's behaviour, and how to encourage them to think for themselves about their choices is going to put your child is the best position to determine how far that influence will go. (DD1 has only asked for a Bratz doll once. I asked 'are you sure? They're pretty boring - look at all the things you can do with THIS one .... and she hasn't asked again since.):cheerleader1:

[FearlessLeader]

jaq i think values are another thing we can teach our children, but that they won't necessarily take on. Sure your DD may cure cancer, and that'd be great. But ahe may decide to chuck it all in, move to nimbin and be a bar maid, and i'm sure you'd be cool with that too, if she decides she doesn't value education as much as you do. And if she does end up building nuclear weapons i would be the last person to shake my head and tut tut your parenting skills.